A WW? (6)

[j20a00g]

So you say you have detached but then you mentioned asking her to do things, asking her to go places, making her special meals, doing things around the house, having relationship talks, considering telling W that OM's gf reached out , etc...... you are also constantly monitoring her emotions and reactions to things. May want to re-read the threads on detaching

Also, I strongly cannot recommend enough to you that you don't go back to that MC. Your only reasoning for leaning towards going is for your W benefit and your W only wants to go to hear further validation your M is over. Why would you want to support that?

[AndrewP]

So on that I think I'm going to tell my W that his girlfriend reached out to me. It'd be the conversation I'd want her to have with me if the roles were reversed. It's a strange point in our situation to have it but I think it's the right thing to do. A M can't be built on secrets, right?

lt0402 - it sounds like you are doing great on the positive attitude and being comfortable in your own skin.

This one bit I'm not sure about. I totally agree that A M can't be built on secrets but that doesn't mean telling all the details. Look within yourself and examine your motivation on this. Is it to make your W jealous? You're not intending on continuing the connection so is there actually anything to say. Would you have let your W know about this pre-BD?

Just asking.

[j20a00g]

Important to also look that you are talking about doing something that you view as "building" whereas she has no interest and will view it as you destroying more than you already have. What would you have to gain by getting involved in that circus?

[Surfer]

LT,

Don't do anything for her mate. If she moans about cleaning. Say, okay, its clearly something you feel strongle about, I won;t clean any more. Happy days! She has OCD she won't hold out long.

She going to try and engage you in arguments to give her an excuse to leave, force you to leave, or engage you. Also, to do the whole man bashing'.

Do not engage. Just look at her and validate if you can. Look right into her eyes and show zero fear. Say as little as possible and get out of her way as fast as possible - do not slip into arguing in front of the kids or not. No weapons hot. She will aim for this in my experience.

Don't tell her about the GF. I had an attractive girl 15 years younger than me ask me if she could give me her number twice a couple of weeks ago. I told WW she said you should have - she was cross as I said no, I am different to you. I have integrity. It didn't make me feel good or her.

There is no point in doing anything which makes your R worse. That includes arguing.

Keep strong mate. Been there. It gets easier.

Surfer.


Just have utter respect for you. Don't let her drag you down to her level.

[DonH]

Wow, your considering going back to that MC that was a train wreck is shooting off warning flares for me. I so totally get how difficult all of this is but it gets really dangerous when someone thinks they are doing well with their sitch but in reality they are really not and don't see it. That's a very dangerous place sort of like if you are asleep and someone has broken into your house, you have a fighting chance versus you are fast asleep and thinking you are safe. The fact that you would go back to this MC shows you are not detached and thinking clearly. Many here warned you if you are getting a MC to get a good one. You didn't do that and had a bad result. So now you want to do it all over again? Why on earth? Because of W? What does that tell you?

It's a bad, bad idea and W is still pulling your strings and running this show with you right in step as the good little H. STOP IT! Do what is best for you and the M and not what may appease your W. This is yet again just like trying to learn how to do Ds meds Ws crazy way rather than a normal way. W doesnt want to face a real C or MC so will seek out one that allows her to get away with her crap and not face her anxiety. And you want to facilitate it?

Somehow you have to break yourself of this thinking. Your default is to take away Ws anxiety and allow her to do her crazy things. This is the same - rather than do the hard work she wants to get off the hook with the same MC lady that let her off last time.

Very bad idea!

[hawker]

Hey Lt...thanks for checking in...sorry my Cowboys beat your Redskins on Turkey Day..

I agree with J20 and surfer about not doing so much for your W and I wouldn't go back to that MC and don't tell her about your old GF contacting you....that is just my 2 cents.....

Glad you continue to bond with your D!!!

Hang in there!

[Surfer]

LT,

We did MC. MC told WW she was the problem. Didn't like it. Your MC doesn't sound like the right one. Not sure ours was. Fact is, your W does not want the R so personally I would give MC a miss - just based on personal experience, I think MC is only for two trying to save a M. Your WW is on a rollercoaster right now and wants out. Sorry if that's hard to hear but it's true. Accept it. I did eventually, but left it so late I had a horrid time. Accept it and move on. Be strong, then she has a chance of seeing the man she would be a fool to leave.

All you have to do - is be you! How hard can that be? Just be that 'you' that you have started to be. That 'you' is a great guy, a loving H and Superdad.

Detach so you can be confident as she rides HER rollercoaster, but do NOT engage/get on it......she will use your emotional swings against you.

Zero rollercoaster riding. Just give less of a sh!t. Care fore her and be kind but a bit of "sorry roller coasters are not my thing - enjoy the ride if they are yours" goes down perfectly in this sitch.

Surfer.

[mvgfwd2]

What are you trying to accomplish with telling her about an old GF that contacted you? Don't do it.

Your W likes that MC because the MC validates your W's view of ending the M. She must be needing a boost for her desire to leave. Don't do it. Pick a pro-M MC and only if your W and you are truly wanting to fix things and have a M. Otherwise, it is a waste of time like many of us told you before the first time.

Detach, 180s, and GAL needs to be your focus, not your W.

[MoveFrwd]

Haven't gotten any thank you's for the work I've done there, but didn't expect any anyways.

W didn't make anything for thanksgiving this year. I didn't expect her to so I bought stuff for me to make for us.

Only thing W does to acknowledge it is move the stuffing to my portion of the fridge (guess that says she won't eat it) and complain that I tore up the sponge when I cleaned. again, wasn't expecting any different so no biggie.

Not really a fan of that but I'll see where this goes. Again, not holding out a lot of hope, but I'll dip my toe in the water and see if anything comes of the MC.

I asked W if she wanted to watch a movie on Friday evening. She of course said no. I thought she would, but I don't want her to have the excuse that I'm not offering at times.

Doesnt sound like youre keeping your expectations in check. Stop expecting the negative and just 'do'.

[ForGump]

LT-

Happy belated TGiving. Sounds like you kicked a$$ in the kitchen. I must say I've been doing the same in the kitchen myself.

I think you write very openly and honestly in this forum, which leaves you vulnerable to a lot of critiques from various people. That shows some resilience and strength on your part.

What is your W's motivation for wanting to go back to MC? Is it purely to vent?

I think I've said this before, but your W sounds like she suffers from a pretty serious anxiety disorder and likely other related issues. You're one hell of a spouse, and I don't think she'll be the type of person you deserve until and unless she admits to and deals with her disorder(s) in earnest. Would you agree?