Hey Andrew, sounds like coffee went well. What would we do without that little roasted bean!
I hope you are right that OM is out of the picture. At lest that complication will be removed should the fog start to lift. I like the fact that she would like to meet up again and she walked you to your car too!
You did great Andrew. It sounds like you were shining your light towards her little boat guiding her unpressured towards calmer waters...
Me - 47 H - 45 D-16 M - 6 years Separated - May 16
Don't leave me behind can't you see me I'm shining... (Years & Years - 'Shine')
Sounds like you had some positive vibes come out of the encounter. My prayers are with you both.
Me 49 W46 T25 M22 S22 D18 S13 W had EA Apr-Jul 2016 Dropped Bomb 7/9/16 ILYBINILWYA HER DIVORCE IS FINAL...8/18/17 Dropping the rope to SURVIVE & THRIVE!!!
Being D'd 10 years at this point It's been a long time since I've actively DB'd. I don't know the total details of where you are in your sitch but of all I read in your post about your coffee meeting, I'm not so sure telling her there was nobody in line waiting for you was a good idea. I also would not have told her you have an open schedule for her should she want it. Is this not the exact opposite of what MWD teaches? It's one thing to say you'll wait with D but a whole other to show her she can take as much time as she wants and you'll be right here waiting. Time after time it's when the H starts to move on, gets a GF, etc that things finally take a positive turn. If she is struggling in doing this, that's good! You want her to worry that you might find someone else or not be interested in the future. You sort of threw all that away. You can't undo it now but in the future I'd really rethink this whole take your time because I'll be right here waiting for you thing. I really hope Sandy drops by with some input.
DonH Midwest Me 56 WAW-EXW 55 Met 11/95 / Married 5/00 Bomb 6/20/05 / She Filed on 6/2/06 / Divorced on 10/9/06 4 who'd qualify as GF since D & dated about 25 women since D
Hi Andrew, it sounds like that went pretty well. I would concur with other posters above about not making yourself sound available and don't follow up AT ALL - okay??
You do not need to be the one doing any chasing and prodding here. So, carry on just as you are and assume you may not hear from your W again for a while...
Well done - I think you showed good self control during that interaction.
Pleased it wen't okay
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Last edited by job; 12/01/1610:09 AM. Reason: Edited posting for roist
R 25 years M 14 years S11 & S13 Working on it alone since Oct 2014 M in trouble a lot earlier (~2 years) Feb 2016. 1st R chat in a yr. Next R chat Aug'17 Still together
Yes I agree sotto. I think the point was when these people really drop the rope and really embrace life without spouse then the WAS notices and may want back. Those people are no longer trying/wanting to save M.?
GF are not a good idea if wanting to save M. They can be a catalyst for change in WAS but that is not a game I recommend. Plus most lbs need more time than they think to be able to be healthy in another R. Best be fully ready so working on self is priority IMO.
R 25 years M 14 years S11 & S13 Working on it alone since Oct 2014 M in trouble a lot earlier (~2 years) Feb 2016. 1st R chat in a yr. Next R chat Aug'17 Still together
I'm not so sure telling her there was nobody in line waiting for you was a good idea. I also would not have told her you have an open schedule for her should she want it. Is this not the exact opposite of what MWD teaches? It's one thing to say you'll wait with D but a whole other to show her she can take as much time as she wants and you'll be right here waiting. Time after time it's when the H starts to move on, gets a GF, etc that things finally take a positive turn. If she is struggling in doing this, that's good! You want her to worry that you might find someone else or not be interested in the future. You sort of threw all that away. You can't undo it now but in the future I'd really rethink this whole take your time because I'll be right here waiting for you thing. I really hope Sandy drops by with some input.
Don - I don't think that Sandi2 comes by the MidLife Crisis forums.
I can't imagine getting a GF as a "tactic" to manipulate my W into coming back. How unimaginably cruel to whatever poor woman is brought in to a relationship only to be crudely dumped when her usefulness is expired. Sorry - I know that some people on these forums have suggested using these sort of scare tactics but I completely reject them. Perhaps that's not what you were suggesting right here but I've seen it suggested elsewhere and it has indeed been suggested to me and I've then been insulted when I rejected it then as I reject it again now.
Thank you everyone else for stopping by and your supportive comments. As job suggested I'm going to lay quiet now. Overnight I came up with dozens of different things I wanted to say to W or things that I could do to "help" but each time I "heard" job's calming words and also saw in my mind the face of my W from yesterday - a woman who it appears has come face to face with her personal demons and is trying her damndest to stand her ground. I think that she knows that the lighthouse is there but I am so very proud of her for facing these monsters on her own.
The future is an unknown country. I did indeed let W know that I am open to a new R with someone else so she would be aware that a clock of some sort is ticking. Shoving that in her face would not help her in her demon-fighting. Thinking about what job has written over and over and over again - and what eventually sinks in - it is very obvious to me that my W is still "baking". Pulling her out of the oven early would create a lot of damage to her, to me, and to our family.
Am I following official "DB" protocol? No clue - and I don't really care at the moment. I feel that I'm doing the right thing - letting my light shine and letting W find her own way to whatever destination she gets to. I'm in no hurry right now. This interaction has added a big pile of fuel to the fire that I hope will keep me going. I still think that this is going to be a long winter.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Andrew, Don was just using the girlfriend thing as an example. Not suggesting you go out and get a girlfriend as a tactic. That would be cruel to that other girl, you are correct. He was making the point that a spouse comes back when the LBS truly moves on. Saying there are no contenders lining up is not making it known to your W that you are open to a new R with someone else. When you say 2 contradictory things, THAT looks like a tactic. Better yet, say or imply NOTHING about your personal life.
I agree with Don- telling her there is no one lined up and you have an "open social calendar" (which by the way, reads exactly like "I have no life, I'll be sitting here waiting for you") come by anytime you want, will hurt your chances rather than help. Don't take this offensively, but what is attractive about "my ex is waiting at home with no women interested in him and no life waiting for me to finish up my affair and come home"
And why are sitting around with an open social calendar? There is a life to be had out there! You seem to have some interests, get involved in them! Join a book club, volunteer.... step out of your comfort zone!
Fine if you aren't following the official DB protocol, but I am known for my bluntness- are you really letting your light shine? I want you to think about that question.
That's great she came out to have coffee with you. But standing doesn't mean standing still. please remember that.
