Good luck today. No relationship talks and keep your expectations very low.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Thanks everyone - currently terrified and trying to decide what to wear. I've decided on pants - yes - pants will definitely be involved.
job - I presume your comment was for me to not initiate any R talks but if she does then to listen? The Christmas stuff could have waited or been handled via text so I'm expecting her to initiate an R talk.
Just playing through some scenarios in my head so that I have my script down.
Scenario 1 - No R mention. Thank her for the visit and move on with my day.
Scenario 2 - She wants things to end. Express sadness and tell her to talk to my L. No negotiating done over coffee.
Scenario 3 - She is still confused and wants me to hang around as Plan B. Validate and say that I'm living my own life day by day and can promise nothing.
Scenario 4 - She wants to come home. This is the tricky one. She knows that the only "real" condition I had was for the A to be over and that she would be faithful again. The plan here is to suggest that we take things slowly and at her own timeline and that she stays in her own place for now. I will also mention that we will need help on this path and that rebuilding mutual trust will take some work. Even though I've written up a few things about how reconciliation might work I won't hand that over saying that we need a professional to guide us. I'll ask her to do the leg work on picking that professional but offer to help if asked.
Scenario 5 - Entitled princess wants her stuff and wants me to deliver it. Say no.
Scenario 6 - Unknown. Drink a big STFU smoothie instead of coffee.
How does that sound?
One of the big concerns that I have is that since I have had no visibility into her situation I have no idea if she's "fully baked" and actually ready to come home. How can I tell?
Fingers crossed that I don't screw this up. On the other hand - I have absolutely nothing to lose here. I've accepted Scenarios 1,2,3,5 and 6 all along. I need to remind myself of this before I leave.
Still - I think the brown pants will be called for. W and I were always very physically affectionate - enough to make others gag - holding hands and cuddling. A bit personal here but she would often lay with her head on my chest just listening to my heart beat and stroking my beard (in the winter when I would usually grow one - none at present). I've got a nice fuzzy grey sweater that S22 helped me pick up that I think I'll wear as well. I think it makes me look "huggable". I'm also planning on leaving my wedding ring at home. Even though the odds are close to zero that anyone other than me will see it I'll also make sure that the kitchen is cleaned up after lunch. I usually do that after making my work lunch in the evening (working from home today).
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Hi Andrew, I agree that you have nothing to lose. For all of us, it pretty much lost at BD. The question is more whether we want to re-find or re-try..
Scenario 1 - No R mention. Thank her for the visit and move on with my day. (Yes - coffee with a work contact...for example.)
Scenario 2 - She wants things to end. Express sadness and (my advice - don't mentio the L just now. If she wants things to end - I'm so sorry you feel that way. D isn't my choice, however if that's what you want, I won't stand in your way.) No negotiating done over coffee.
Scenario 3 - She is still confused and wants me to hang around as Plan B. Validate and say that I'm living my own life day by day and can promise nothing. (I like the line - really, it's more complicated than that now...and we both have some decisions to make here.)
Scenario 4 - She wants to come home. This is the tricky one. She knows that the only "real" condition I had was for the A to be over and that she would be faithful again. The plan here is to suggest that we take things slowly and at her own timeline and that she stays in her own place for now. I will also mention that we will need help on this path and that rebuilding mutual trust will take some work. Even though I've written up a few things about how reconciliation might work I won't hand that over saying that we need a professional to guide us. I'll ask her to do the leg work on picking that professional but offer to help if asked.
Scenario 5 - Entitled princess wants her stuff and wants me to deliver it. (Let her know she is welcome to collect some stuff and arrange for this to happen. It may suit you to deliver, rather than have her in the house - IDK?)
Scenario 6 - Unknown. Drink a big STFU smoothie instead of coffee. (Yes, listen for 75% of the time and don't try too hard...it's just one coffee after all..)
Good luck and I'm sure you will be fine, however things unfold Andrew :-)
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Me 49 W46 T25 M22 S22 D18 S13 W had EA Apr-Jul 2016 Dropped Bomb 7/9/16 ILYBINILWYA HER DIVORCE IS FINAL...8/18/17 Dropping the rope to SURVIVE & THRIVE!!!
I just got back. We talked for about 2 hours - mostly about nothing.
It's essentially Scenario 3. From what she was saying (I didn't pry) it could appear that OM is no longer in the picture. She's having a rough time of it by the looks of it and is actively seeking help. She says that she spends her time alone.
It was decided to leave Christmas plans with S22 up to S22. I did verge on to R talks a few times and took a quick chug of STFU - sometimes rather obviously. W smiled a few times and even laughed when I told her about my "adventures in housekeeping". She came prepared to talk about separation and dividing things up but since I said that I was OK with how things were especially since she was undecided we decided to avoid paying lawyers fees. We did go over a few of the things but I made it clear that I didn't really care right now about dealing with them so we didn't. I did tell her that the future was in her hands and that I would abide by her choices.
We did talk about me moving on to a new R and she said that "she wouldn't blame me". I told her that there was no line of replacements.
She is going to come into the house and pick up at least some of her stuff (winter coats etc).
I managed to get through it with only using 2 tissues. I think she remembered and liked the man she saw. She said that we'll do it again. I told her that my social calendar was pretty open and that she could reach out to me any time.
Did I do "perfect"? Nope. Did I portray a man who was happy, confident and moving on with his life? Nope. I was a man who is reluctantly accepting what has been put before him and isn't fighting it. Someone she can trust and rely on and who still cares for her deeply.
And yes, I got a hug at the end after she walked me to my car. I didn't reach out for it but she turned around as she was leaving and offered it. I didn't try for the kiss.
So - very depressed and trying to work through her issues. I think she was happy about how the visit went.
PS - She told me that she's checked my Snapchat from time to time (Hi darknes!). I acted surprised.
Even though I'm tempted to send her a follow-up text thanking her for her time I don't need any new 2X4s right now.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
I think you handled the meet up very well. For now, let things settle w/her a bit. She needs to have some time to think about the meet up and what was discussed. It's not necessary to follow up w/a text message right now.
Allow the man upstairs to work on her and let's see what he has in store for her. Miracles do happen around the holidays. Stay positive and continue moving forward.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
