Oh, I was DEFINITELY a rescuer with XW and before - I wanted to fix her abuse from her ex-husband, save her from drowning debt, be a father to her kids (they only saw their dad 6 weeks a year). I would say SO is the first relationship that wasn't a rescue attempt - I didn't find out about her past until after we had been dating some time. Believe me, it's why I suggested we step back, and then went dark after the crap - I don't really have those tendencies after counseling and my personal growth, but I wasn't going to tempt any triggers.
I guess as far as her seeing someone, it's an odd scenario. If it was an EA/PA, and she was in love, and making plans for a future, that would be the more quintessential WAW thing that I would expect. But she was ADAMANT to me, even at the last that he was a great friend, nice guy, but they were NOT in a relationship, she wasn't sleeping with him, and she did NOT know what their future held - she actually said, "Even now, he just introduces me as a friend". And I wasn't asking for details, she went out of her way to share them with me. It almost sounds like he got friend-zoned, to use a modern phrase! Like I said, her friend told me that he was just a bland, no-conflict, very mild-mannered rebound.
I don't even care honestly - I know it's what the WAS does. Find something to pet their emotional needs, even if it WAS an EA/PA. I think she has enjoyed my pursuit honestly. She is still attracted to me, and has said so - has described me as handsome and sexy, has spent entire days just talking to me, sent me pics of her, etc. She was getting her cake, definitely, so I put a stop to it.
Regardless, I did tell her that I wasn't going to communicate about a relationship while she was seeing someone regularly and exclusively, and calling them "dates". She actually said she wanted to see me, but didn't want to hurt OM - basically she was calculating how to have BOTH of us.
Good move, stopping the flirting while she's seeing someone else.
Sounds like all you can do -- and should do -- is move on with your life, and give her the space she needs to sort out what she wants out of life. She sounds majorly confused.
Me: 50, MLC/WW 45 Young kids Nov 2015: BD1 Apr 2016: BD2 Jan 2017: W filed Feb 2017: D final
Good for you on standing up!! I know it's hard but like you said, give her space and let her figure it out. No contact has to be the hardest thing to start but hopefully it gets easier.
Kinda funny - Thursday morning I was REALLY missing the SO. We haven't talked in over 2 weeks now, and I went through Thanksgiving and then just it kinda hit me; mostly because we had made some fun plans for the holidays.
Then.... some guys asked me to go out for wings and Thursday night football, and I had a great time. Then today,I worked a half day, because I picked up my kids' new puppy - who is adorable! They had the best reactions (early Christmas present) and absolutely are in love with her. Then I went downtown in my little town for the Christmas tree lighting with some friends, and got some pizza on the way back.
Now, the pup is sleeping at my feet and I realized that I have a pretty awesome life. I guess sometimes I wonder if SO is happy, thinking about me, not thinking about me, but then I remember that my wondering won't change anything.
GAL! Detach! No temperature checking! No ping-pong in my head!
Glad you are having a good couple days!! Pups tend to do that. Mine lab is 7 months old and he has helped me so much when I get down. He's sleeping by the fireplace as I type. Hold old and type of dog? Like you, I wonder all the time but it does no good and you're right it doesn't change anything.
It's a German shepherd mix - a rescue. But the sweetest little thing! I broke the dark by sending SO a picture of her and just said, "My new pup"; she LOVES puppies.
Got no response. Didn't really expect any, but it [censored]. Weird to me how she used to be the most loving compassionate kind person, and then kinda just goes dead. I guess the "alien" concept really applies...
Regardless, I did tell her that I wasn't going to communicate about a relationship while she was seeing someone regularly and exclusively, and calling them "dates". She actually said she wanted to see me, but didn't want to hurt OM - basically she was calculating how to have BOTH of us.
So, I went dark.
Got no response. Didn't really expect any, but it [censored]. Weird to me how she used to be the most loving compassionate kind person, and then kinda just goes dead. I guess the "alien" concept really applies...
How is it that you perceive that she was a loving compassionate person when she was calculating how to have two partners?
I read manipulative selfish person in your statements...
bippy, As I read your thread I perceive that you may need to do some more work on yourself and really understand dbing.
I have seen comments from you that indicate book knowledge, but your actions are speaking louder... You indicate you are a rescuer... You indicate that you understand that this issue is hers... You say you went dark, but you send a text with an expectation... You should be moving on and focused on you, but you share much thought swirling about her... She is clearly not in a good state of mind for a healthy relationship, yet you want to continue after her.
I don't see that you indicated how long after your mMR with xw, that you moved into a relationship with this one? How long was it. Be honest and step in front of a mirror and ask yourself..." Am I ready to be in a relationship or do I have some more work to do?"
I am not judging, but I see many fail to do the work on themselves before jumping in again...perhaps this is why 2nd marriages have a higher D rate...?
I wish you luck, but thus far I see a very cheeseless tunnel in your thread here, and you have set up camp.
Me 46 Former W 46 D19 D7 BD Feb 2016 WAW moves out 4/16/16 D final 6/1/2017
It's time for me to start changin' the way I look at the world......and at myself. ~James Howlett aka Wolverine
As a recovering Fisher, I totally feel the text picture was fishing. But hey, we slide and then recoup, right?
M 10yrs T 13yrs BD #1Oct 2015-PA between WAH and COW BD #2 April 2016-WH resumed PA, she broke it off Jan 2 2017 WH says he wants divorce April '17-Letting go 2018 D busted DD8, DS6, DS3
