MLC H at age 32, maybe single mum with a toddler S

[Maybe]

Hi zues, I appreciate you following my post and giving me valuable advises. I have to report I still can't see myself being where you are anytime soon. I keep saying I am too scared to hope, now I understand it's because I do hope. I remember reading J3B's post saying his motto is I may quit tomorrow, but today is not the day. I will learn how to love in a distance. I am allowing myself to be happy with what happened yesterday coz if i don't recognise and encourage H when he shows behaviours that I appreciate, then I am not "monitoring results" and recognising progress.

I will continue to believe none of what they say and half of what they do. But I haven't been happy about us for a long time. I am happy that we are communicating, and able to say we appreciate each other's effort in a very difficult situation

[Zues126]

Thanks for the reply Maybe.

My question is this- what would you do differently if you 'quit'?

If you let go of what your H is doing and stopped rooting for him to come back towards the M, what would that change in your behavior? Would you stop trying to improve yourself? Would you start seeing someone else to comfort yourself? Would you tell him off because you no longer cared what he did so you want to hurt him like he hurt you?

In my opinion, there is no reason not to quit. In fact, I think quitting is a great choice...provided that you are quitting holding on to H. If you can quit while still making good decisions for you, while avoiding the burning of bridges, and while being your best self, well I feel it is the best for you, AND it is the best chance you have of letting him complete his journey as he won't have to create more distance to get away from you (you'll give him the space he wants).

I don't know if I said that very well, but this is what I see as the eventual next stage. Giving up hope while still walking the DB path.

[Zues126]

By the way, these are just ideas to think about, not trying to criticize or bulldoze you. I do applaud standing by your M and think you are absolutely right to do so. That wasn't my point. I'm just trying to help you start to think about ways that detaching and standing can go together. I don't want you to suffer longer than is required.

[fightin]

Hi Maybe, detaching is hard. I'm still not completely detached, but I'm trying to act as if. Acting as if meaning living my life like I'll never have my W back and that's okay. Working towards learning to be alone and not defining myself by my R. I think that is helping me to detach little by little because I'm making a deliberate decision to act as if every day. I don't know if that helps you at all, but I know it has helped me so I just thought I'd share.

We're all going to make mistakes on this journey so don't beat yourself up. Just keep trying each and every day and try to keep in mind that no matter the outcome you'll be okay.

[Rose888]

Hi zues, I appreciate you following my post and giving me valuable advises. I have to report I still can't see myself being where you are anytime soon. I keep saying I am too scared to hope, now I understand it's because I do hope. I remember reading J3B's post saying his motto is I may quit tomorrow, but today is not the day. I will learn how to love in a distance. I am allowing myself to be happy with what happened yesterday coz if i don't recognise and encourage H when he shows behaviours that I appreciate, then I am not "monitoring results" and recognising progress.

I will continue to believe none of what they say and half of what they do. But I haven't been happy about us for a long time. I am happy that we are communicating, and able to say we appreciate each other's effort in a very difficult situation

You can notice his behavior without letting it affect your mood.

You can detach and monitor at the same time. Detaching is so, so critical to a healthy relationship. It's worth the effort to learn how to do it.

[bsb]

I think not believing anything they say and half of what they do is key here. I'm trying to learn this myself. Just like we are not in the right state of mind our spouses are not either

[Maybe]

Hi zues,

Thanks for your effort in "getting through me":) I largely agree with you, that really standing for a M is not to pursue, but not to retrieve either. Fighting does sound controlling, and yes my issue is that I can't bear having my son traveling between 2 homes growing up, I can do my best to influence but the result is out of my control. If I am to decide to quit, I guess i might move back to where I am from so my son can grow up with family around, not always a one on one companionship either with dad or mum. But I don't want to do that just yet.

I will try hard to detach. I haven't, but I act as if in front of him. To fightin, thanks for sharing that. Let's both work on it while cheering each other on:)

Thanks bsb and everyone else to jump in and "have a go" at me. I need it! I am a very stubborn girl, something else to work on:(

[Maybe]

Hi Rose, and everyone else who recommended detachment,

I am reading DR again about last resort technique. My interruption is that like detachment, it requires one to pull back, GAL, and when S is interested, be interested but cool, and wait and be sure of S is reinvesting again to start investing yourself. Pretty much just mirroring your S, and let S pursue if that is their wish. I understand that detaching is the answer, and GAL is about putting the focus back on me. DR talks about having Goals. My ultimate goal is have my family back. I know some may think I am using children as an excuse to hide my fixation on H. Well, maybe, I don't want to argue with myself what I want and don't want. I have a million reasons why I want H to come home. I had never doubted that he is a good man. Even with the lies. He was supportive to me for the last ten years, I WILL try as hard as I can not to interfere his journey. But at the moment, I want to act if he is just being away at the moment, and yes I will use this time to better myself. And I am a lot more comfortable with the interested but cool approach, coz detaching is still confusing for me.

[Rose888]

A lot of people seem to confuse LRT and detachment.

Last Resort Technique is something you do as a last resort--after you have tried other things and they have failed. LRT is not something you need in a healthy relationship.

Detachment is something that helps in a troubled relationship BUT it is also an important part of a healthy relationship. You don't stop detaching when your spouse comes back and you are all pieced together.

Detachment is about you being responsible for your own mental health and happiness.

What does it look like? For me, it's about not looking to H to make me feel better when I make a mistake or expecting him to help me deal with the consequences. It's about not telling him I love him when I am doing it in the hopes that he will say it back and soothe my neediness. It means when his day is going badly, I don't get sucked into his stress and worry either by trying to solve it for him or by becoming stressed and worried myself. It means paying attention to how I want to spend my time, and making sure I am not compromising that too often if he doesn't want to do the same thing.

In addition, when the relationship is struggling, it means not reading his mood in the light of our relationship. His bad days and good days might have nothing to do with the R, so I shouldn't interpret his behaviors and moods as signs for good or bad.

Detachment has nothing to do with warm or cool. I am warmly detached. (We're piecing.)

[Maybe]

Firstly, thanks rose for your reply. I had since done more reading on detaching. I think I now know what you mean. Great that your H comes to his sense after only 3 months.

Okay, updates. I was having some bed days again. Both me and son are sick, not fun coz son is so young. Went out everyday to keep upbeat and busy. Comes Monday H texted about not wanting to come on unusual time. This is after I suggested him not to visit on Mondays coz he always cancels last minute. He took it as in me keeping son away from him. Then 2 hours before him coming I received the text. Still was disappointed even knowing I have to detach.

Then today he picked up son from kinder coz I work Tuesdays. He asked a few times how I am doing. Eventually he said how are you doing really, mentally. I literally lol. I said I have good and bad days, being ill doesn't help. Mind you I said it with a smile, but still, probably should lie? I said what about you. He said he's miserable. He also mentioned he's not liking where he lives. He moved his computer back coz it's not working. He just took it last week. He always gave me a hug when he left and realised I just wanted to get to my seat and moved away. He said goodbye multiple times, seemingly reluctant to leave. I am sensing he's having thoughts about moving back. Again, I am watching carefully without jumping to conclusions.

He also seems to be doing his hobbies, visiting his mums, and having a laugh with me here and there. Read from the MLC forum that these could be signs of him coming out of the tunnel. Yet, still reactive towards things I said, still making plans to party, still seems to lie. So yeah. Not hopeful, GALby joining a dance studio tomorrow. Yay!