She moved out...now the work begins...II

[SBJ]

I know this will sound funny, but at least for now you have to shelve your love for her and make yourself a priority (probably for the first time in your life). We have always been told that we mustn't be selfish,... But this it the exact time to be selfish and to take care of yourself first.

You are 100% correct...I have been the least selfish one in our relationship for 25 years. We had a bad on-going joke that there are givers and takers...guess which one I was. I will try and focus on myself and my kids...it is dang near impossible for me to ignore my feelings for her, but I will work on "shelving my love for her" for a while.

If she reaches out to you, possibly asking you if you are happy answer her by asking if she wants to talk. When my ex asked me I said yes and no. Yes that I still had my daughters around me and that I could participate in their life. No, that I never wanted the divorce and that I had truely enjoyed being a husband. Even after that first talk don't expect or even want a sudden change. What I have seen is this usually ends up bad with the spouse running back into the tunnel. Take it slowly. Like I have said elsewhere it truely is like watching the grass grow. Enjoy the good moments when they come. Learn to read her enough to sense when she need space to process things. Continue to live your life and allow her the room she needs to heal.

I have truly enjoyed being her husband...I guess that is one of the reasons that this is so hard. It seems that I am just as disposable as a pair of shoes to her. I know that everyone says that the MLC'er is very confused, but it sure does seem that she has it all figured out.

I know you say that it is a slow process, but we are only about 5 months from BD to D filing. She has a plan that I am not involved in...so that is kind of scary to me.

At this point I am trying to prepare myself to go on without her...Something that was never on my radar. I guess I need to figure out how to keep my sanity. Rumors are floating around our small community that she has left me for this OM. It is all I can do to keep from searching out the ppl that are spreading this rumor. Even if it is true, I don't want my kids hearing it.

I just hope and pray that one day she will realize that what we had and how good things actually were.

It could be worse...some MLCers ditch the kids. If you feel strong enough, and the feeling becomes authentic, you could even actually, briefly, thank her for those reasons when you see her. Its just psychology...negative thoughts lead to more negative feelings; positive leads to positive. It does hurt and is extremely painful, but you can only control your actions and how you react to things. It takes practice, but hey! The focus is on you right now. Its part of your PMA. Its why we focus on us, and this is a way of owning our reactions to feelings and changing them. Practice makes perfect.

The pics are OK with me...they do sting, but I told my kids to send them and they know that I want them to have a blast. I actually want them to have a great time, but secretly, I want my W to realize that it wasn't as fun without me there.

She is a great mother and in know way has she shown that she will ever ditch the kids. The only person she wished to ditch was me. I guess in her mind I was the one that was standing in the way of her fantasy world.

I am trying to stay positive, but it is mentally challenging. My FIL/SMIL asked me over for dinner last night. It is kind of refreshing to know that they see what she is doing as wrong and toxic for our family. He told me that I am the son he never had and that truly makes me feel good...especially since he has another son-in-law.

Thank you all for your word of encouragement. It is a good feeling to know that we are all fighting this battle together. There is a true strength in numbers.

[SBJ]

Just a comment on something that my SIL told me that happened yesterday on their Disney trip. My W and her family (19 people) were all having dinner yesterday at a place in Hollywood Studios at Disney. My oldest made loud comment about one of the menu items..."Dad's Favorite Meatloaf". My SIL said that he yelled it out loudly and my W poked her head up quickly...once he realized, things got totally quiet at the table of 19 people. I guess that was a show stopper. I am usually the loud, sarcastic one at the dinner table...I'm glad to see that he has learned from he. HAHA!

[SBJ]

I'm not sure what everyone's religious beliefs are, but today's Gospel reading was Luke 21:12-19. After reading it verse 19 really stuck with me about all of our situations.

Luke 21:19 By your endurance you will gain your lives.

It truly takes a certain amount of courage and endurance for us to deal with what we as a community are going thru. I am finding it difficult to be thankful right now, due to the place that I find myself in, but I am extremely thankful for all of the people that have helped me with words of wisdom and encouragement. I am thankful for the 25 wonderful years I have had with my W even though she is in her state right now. I am thankful for my three wonderful children. I am thankful for my parents, siblings, extended family, and all of our great friends. There are so many good people in the world that are truly empathetic to our situations.

Give thanks in all situations...

[SBJ]

So I hope everyone had a great holiday weekend. It was rough being away from my Kids...and even the W for the last week. i picked up the kids yesterday and have enjoyed relaxing with them. Back to the bump and grind of work and school tomorrow.

I have not posted much this weekend, but have kept up on some situations. I guess I still get overwhelmed at the number of us going thru this at any given moment.

I spent some time reading from Sandi on her WW posts...can our spouse that with ink is in MLC also be WW? It seems that if they are cheating then they are wayward...right? And it seems that all we can do is GAL, move forward as if by ourselves, and become better men. If they see it and like it then great...if not then someone will notice you that may fill your needs better???

The W has been gone 4 weeks already and I am still coping with the quiet. She came by today to get her Christmas decor...I surely don't feel festive, but I will do what my kids want regarding the decorating. Going thru this around the holidays sure does stink.

[Vapo]

Well of course they can, it's pretty much the rule...

[SBJ]

I guess I was reading from someone else's POV and was overwhelmingly confused. They are thrust into a crisis and then go wayward I guess.

The W came by yesterday to get Christmas decorations for her condo and seemed odd. Maybe it's just me, but some of what she says sounds like it's from a nervous teenager. The way she speaks to the kids sometimes is like she is back I high school. But, isn't that what happens?

Again I'm tying to make sense of something that doesn't make sense...shame on me.

[roist]

No shame.It is normal to want to understand.

But there are many more productive ways of using your time.

Best wishes

[SBJ]

No don't get me wrong. I missed my kids and W for the 9 days that they were gone, but I had a good time. I got to enjoy time with my father and one of my brothers (and his family). Watched countless football games and also played golf on Friday. That being said, when I picked up my kids and was able to excitedly hug them (while the W was stand-offish) it was awesome.

I was truly head over heels in love with her, but I can see that changing now. I want to love her and have her love me, but I can see now that that is up to her. Like someone said before...she knows how I feel about her, so there is no need in telling her repeatedly, but part of me wonders if she wants me to fight for her...I don't know. She has moved out. She has filed for divorce. This is all to do with what she feels that she needs. I guess that is why it is so frustrating. It is like waiting on paint to dry.

[j20a00g]

But if you are truly detached and gal then you aren't watching the paint dry. The wall is painted, carry on and eventually it will be dry. Maybe not when you want it to be and maybe it dries a different color than you wanted but, trust that it will eventually dry whether you watch it or not

[SBJ]

You are right that I have not fully detached. I am honestly working on just focusing on me and my kids, but I am finding it extremely hard. Like you, J20a00g, I have spent 25 of my 46 years with her. It is a loss that I never imagined that I would incur. Maybe I took our M for granted, but I really thought that we'd break the D cycle in our families.

I am realizing that she was emotionally divorced from me for a long while, but that doesn't mean I was. I am also having a difficult time with all of the rumors circulating in our small town that she left me for OM. My brother, who loves in another state, heard from one of his frat brothers, who heard from a friend, that was a BIL of one of my wife's friends that she left me for this OM...I know that was a mouth full but that was the way it worked.

I still don't have any proof that they have a physical R, but I do know that they had an EA. Supposedly they ended the EA in mid-July, but she claims that there is nobody else. Again, if I were truly detached, I guess I wouldn't be thinking about that EA/PA at all...right?