I am really scared when I read a lot of the newcomer stories. I am very afraid to become attached to someone because I feel like it is inevitable that they will cheat or villify me to justify leaving. I am afraid of entering into a dysfunctional relationship and not being able to recognize that it is or becomes dysfunctional.
I am definatly afraid to get close to the guy I have been dating because his FOO issues are major. He is very open about these issues and about his vulnerabilities , (which is night and day different from STBX) but it scares me.
in a very weird conversation, he said to me that he would forgive his wife of 30 years if she was to cheat on him. And of course I debated this. I took this to mean that he would be capable of cheating on someone he was with for a long time and that he doesn't share the same values on fidelity that I do. I asked him if he would be capable of cheating on someone he was with for so long, and he said he would like to think that he would not, but couldn't answer definitively because he has no way of knowing the circumstances..or something like that. This answer, while honest made me detach too.
I read somewhere that we tend to date people we are comfortable with. And that the people we are comfortable with are often the people that share certain traits with our exes. This guy has a more indulgent and addictive personality, like my ex and that scares me. I don't smoke and I drink very rarely, so wouldn't it be smarter to date some one similar? Although my closest friends are pretty big drinkers, eaters, partiers. Does that make them more accepting of cheating?
I feel like I am actively looking for red flags with him and I could end this at the drop of a hat because of those red flags. (Of course DBing has trained me to stay cool, and none of these thoughts are ever revealed) I think new relationships are usually filled with good feelings and endorphin highs, but I am certainly holding back.
I even wonder if the reason he likes me so much is because I hold back...and if there is dysfunction in that?
My ex was a very black and white thinker. He wouldn't entertain or acknowledge or validate thoughts or ideas. He hated talking about politics, religion, ideas or "what ifs" with me. BThis new guy enjoys conversation and discussion. He has said that talking is an aphrodasiac to him. We have very long conversations that are often silly and imaginative and he shares things he probably shouldn't with a girl he's trying to date. He is funny and makes me laugh which is a plus.
But I guess I have to get to know him better to determine if there is real potential. He has been very respectful, and a gentleman through and through. I'm just not sure if he would be capable of long term faithfulness.
Apologies as I am not familiar with your thread, however it sounds like you are doing well. I understand your fear. I think it is totally normal albeit terrifying. I can relate 100%. I know you aren't supposed to hold back per se, although, I do think taking things slowly and being observant is wise.
I think we can't help but analyze things or wonder why this person likes us even though we logically know we are good people. Flawed of course..as is everyone. Enjoy the conversation and let the chips fall where they may. Difficult I'm sure.
I had to chime in to V's list. According to my ex (and both of these things were said through huge sobs), I was guilty of "being too logical and he didn't understand how I could function being so logical" and apparently I had a fatal flaw. He absolutely couldn't stand the way I eat tacos. Which happened maybe twice a year. Sigh. What are you going to do?
Glad to hear the new guy is respectful. Enjoy it:)
3 kids BD 12/15/13 (IDKIILY. ) Rope dropped Cirque du Soleil style D final 9-9-14 "Some people are born on 3rd base and go through life thinking they hit a triple." Barry Switzer
Loving this stroll down memory lane sharing all the crazy rationalizations from our crazy exes. Hearing this crap hurt so much at the time, but is hilarious now. I wish DB had a "like" button
V and JJB, it was so nice to actually meet you.
The same!
V
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
I love these forums, but I have not been good about writing in them lately.
Just been really, really exhausted. End of year crunch time at work, and of course I left some things for last minute so I'm trying to get caught up with that. Had some minor, but annoying illnesses and injuries (fractured ankle, diffuculty eating cause of cramping) that slowed me down and kept me from my major stress relief outlet...exercises and running. I'm struggling with my son who has lots of issues with sensory integration and most likely adhd. Parent teacher conference was not fun...in process of getting help and have been incorporating some very helpful behavior strategies from a great child social worker I am seeing. I have to get things out to the divorce lawyer and I just don't have the energy to sit and do it.
Still trying to cope with my anger at husband. It's not easy, when I feel like my life is not going smoothly. I am angry because
1. I am living in a chaotic home with my parents. My parents mean well, but are driving me crazy, I am 38 and really want calm and independence, and financially I don't see a way out. I have a decent job, but the region is just too expensive.
2. Ex did not come to parent teacher conference. I offered to split thanksgiving day so he could see son but he did not want to because his mother would not be around. He has son on weekend of New Years eve and is asking me to take him that weekend (I will have son home all week from break). And this makes me so mad. It makes me mad for our son. he sees him less then 4 days a month voluntarily, and his mom is the one doing most of he work. I am mad at his mom for enabling him, and I am mad at him. My son is not easy and I struggle and I feel like I'm doing it by myself.
I know the answer is to be greatful and appreciative for what I do have. It could be worse. At least With sole responsibility comes sole power to make decisions the way I want regarding son.
And the truth is, during our marriage my ex was never really a partner anyway. These 4 days a month are more of a break then I ever had. And his child support check is more then I ever had too. I was paying for most of sons expenses and all my expenses by myself. We never had a home, despite husband having a good job and there was never economic transparency.....and this is what I am really mad at. That our marriage was so bad and I was so frusturated and he was never a partner. He was Just someone who slept all day and worked. And now I look back and feel like all those years (except for my son) were just a big waste of my life.
Jujub, I hear and can see where you are coming from but I'm sure that during all the years you have spent with H, they weren't all that bad. It is hard to see the good things because we are so hurt. In time you will see it wasn't all that bad because if it was you would have left.
I know with Christmas upon us it is hard, although you are going to spend it with people you love. Unfortunately not everyone is as lucky as us.
I know it must be frustrating to live in your parents home still and want space of your own. I know you are a successful professional but the truth is, unless you are rich, to it is almost impossible to live on one income in your region. I barely make it.
You should be mad that he is asking you take son on his time. How sad for him he cannot take care of his own son without his mother's help. Your ex is a child. He never grew up. He still needs to be coddled. I hope you said no to New Years eve. he needs to figure it out. You need your time to yourself to reenergize.
I would try to turn that anger into pity. He's not a man, he's a child who's enabled by his mother. Friggin sad.
Yes, we can still appreciate what we DO have, while still feeling the loss of what we don't have.
I also feel nothing is a waste of life. Like you said, you had your son, you built a career, you grew, he did not. You didn't waste your life. Shed as much of the crappiness of the past that you can. Move forward with the good stuff you got going on in the present and the future.
I am going to try turning anger into pity ginger. Maybe that will help me. I am still over consummed by anger and I don't know how to handle it cause it's not helpful to me to constantly be mad at my ex. During our marriage I was constantly mad....he was uninvolved and selfish but that anger did nothing to help. Things were unfair and imbalanced in my marriage and I was constantly frusturated and angry because I had a right to be, but it did nothing. My complaining was twisted to be seen as someone unappreciative. My ex was not ever present in our family. I wonder if that's his personality or was it that he just didn't want to be with me?
I am dating someone else now, that wants to spend more time with me but settles for every other weekend. That is really really nice and of course I am making comparisons.... I was showing him some snow toys I bought for my son for Christmas, and he was joking about how he wanted them cause he would have fun playing in the snow.
I remembered how the winter before husband left, he did not once play with my son in the snow, that season. Instead he slept for most of day while son and I would knock on windows from outside to try to wake him up. When he did do something with us, he would end it quickly or start so late. he could only invest a small amount of time before he wanted to leave and run an errand or work,
So It is so true that my life is no different then before. I realized this early on in my situation. Our marriage was me getting angry and fighting with husband because he wasn't invested and committed to being in a family. I see the difference between him and someone that is invested now. I look at how his dad was like thatwith his family and I think my ex wanted that or didn't know better. And I kept trying to fight it.
So I am up early cause I am frusturated with New Years eve situation and would love advice.
I had plans to spend New Years eve with friends and new guy. I only see new guy every other weekend. Ex has asked me to take son on New Years eve,
I am annoyed with request for these reasons. 1. Ex is being super nice and I hate it when he acts like that to get something. I recognize the pattern with me and how he would do that with his mom and it annoys me cause I feel manipulated and used,
2. For thanksgiving I asked ex if he wanted to share and take take son for a bit so he could see son on holiday (he didn't want to because his family was not around). For Christmas he is taking son for part of day so they can celebrate holiday.
When he asked me to take son on New Years eve, he worded it as "do you want to share the holiday. I will take him New Years day and you take him New Years eve". new years eve is not really a holiday you share with your 6 year old. It's a night where people go out to party and drink so say it like it is.... I am not a f'in fool, so why word it that way. It really annoyed me. He wants a favor. He only sees our son 4 days a month but would rather lose the day or change the day so he could go party.
Now I am going to take son. I worry that ex would get a babysitter and I prefer to know that son is safe at home on a night that involves a lot of accidents and drinking, But I am mad at the blatant manipulation.
xx