That said, in no way, shape or form would I feel comfortable going to that person's house to make them a 'birthday breakfast' as a way of raising my children to do what is right.
darknes,
I feel the same way. In fact, if I'm going to have a relationship with someone else, I don't want a close relationship with my xW because that would only invite trouble.
You always have some very insightful posts and continue to inspire me and keep me hopeful, even a little. I think many of the LBS's are just very frustrated and disappointed that the other half runs away from our sitches.
Amicable is a relative term based on each person's sitch.
If our S's were strong enough, the right thing to do would be to come back and work on the M.
H-46 XW-38 T-7 M-6 S-9,8,8,6,4 S 11/30/15, I filed 12/8/15 EA 2/1/16 D dismissed 3/24/16 PA 3/18/16 confirmed 4/22/16 XW files for D 4/1/16 - D final 11/17/16 Finally moving forward...
I guess I see it a little differently. I see an obligation as a contract. I'm obligated to make the min payment on my credit card until the balance is 0. Then the obligation is over.
I made a promise to my wife and children (in front of God at our wedding, baptisms, etc) that I will always be there for them no matter what happens. To add to that - there is no score keeping/declining balance and that promise ends the day I die.
So currently W see's our promise to each other differently than I do.
M:50 W:53 MR:20 D:21 S:17 S:11 BD-Sept 2015 Suspected PA Sept 2015-Confronted W & OM Dec 2015 Actually EA In house Sep:Jan/16-May 2016 W moved out:May 22 2016 OM-Intro Oct/17-On scene July/Aug 2017
My partner had asked me a while ago whether I believed in soul mates. My partner had told me that after going on probably hundreds of dates that there was no chance that I wasnt 'the one'.
My mind works a little differently. I dont believe that there is 'one' person out there for any of us. The odds of meeting that one person and being able to take advantage of that meeting are so infinitesimally low that I just cant believe everyone on Earth is settling.
In my mind, let's look at just America. From my rough calculations, there are over 42 million members of the opposite sex within 10 years of my age. If we plotted the compability of these people with me, I would expect a fairly normal distribution (like a bell curve). If I set "loosely compatible" as the middle, that will mean that Im incompatible with 50% of the population. But it also means that the 0.3% that Im extremely compatible with (>3 sigma above the mean) accounts for over 60,000 people. While some are married or in relationships, there are still a tremendous number of number that Id be an extremely good match for.
My point isnt to minimize my or anyone's relationship. I guess I just am saying that I cant live my life thinking that there is only 1 person out there for me. Im not willing to accept a lower standard, but if someone 'crosses that bar' for me, Im not going to reject it to keep searching for an elusive 'one'.
Darknes, did you show your partner your statistical analysis of compatibility? You might want to not do that okay? Lol. Perhaps also take some lessons in romance from DDJ? Oh wait, she already thinks you are the one, so nevermind. :-) haha.
Sorry, I couldn't resist. I do agree with you tho. I also miss being in my 20s when I thought my H was the only one. It was much more fun that way!
Thank you JimK for the complements, I'm gonna check out your threads today.
Doodler, I've still got your number ... Although I wonder where our compatibility level falls on Darknes' scale....
Blu
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
Darknes, did you show your partner your statistical analysis of compatibility?
Hahahaha.
Of course not in so much detail.
But I did say that while I dont really believe in 'the one', I have no interest in continuing to look to see if someone might be MORE compatible. Im happy and excited by what we have and have no interest in pursuing anything else.
That is great. I am happy for you guys. It appears that you truly understand the fundemental principles of DB and have personally grown from them. I think ultimately that is the main goal for all of us, whether we reconcile our M or not.
Blu
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
As I was browsing through the facebooks today, I came upon a posting that made me very sad. You see, back when I was married, my couple friends, my ex and I used to gather regularly for all sorts of parties or get-togethers usually as a group of 6 or 8. As I posted to AndrewP, this set of friends abandoned me almost immediately after the separation. It was as if they thought that the divorce was contagious, I guess. To be fair, they were introduced to me originally as my ex's friends, so I wouldnt expect them to be 'mine' after the divorce.
Anyway, there was a weekend getaway that these couples did for 4th of July and there were images all over social media that hit me pretty hard. There is another set going on now after this past weekend's festivities in preparation for Christmas. It hurts that I feel like I did nothing wrong to these people, but yet, Im still pushed to the outside looking in. Its just a reminder that I didnt just lose a spouse, I had a complete life overhaul where what I have left from that old life is my family and a few friends.
Im not sure theres much point to this posting, other than just to vent a little bit about being sad. But sometimes just typing things like this out help.
I'm sorry you're feeling sad. I've had similar things happen, and I don't think I was excluded because I was divorced, I think I was excluded because I'm no longer married. If you understand the distinction. Everyone else in the group is there as a couple and they're not sure what to do with a single guy mingling in coupledom.
I could be totally wrong, but that explanation soothes the soul to some extent.
To be fair, they were introduced to me originally as my ex's friends, so I wouldnt expect them to be 'mine' after the divorce.
There is your answer. Since they were the ex's friends first, the loyalties will lie there.
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
