Tried to link my old thread, but as per usual it might not work...
So I'm naming this chapter of "True Romance" The Crystal Palace, after something my FIL told MIL. He described the way he thought of our marriage as a beautiful palace, sparkling and precious. And he is in pain because his own son shattered everything, without any consideration for anyone but himself. When MIL told me I was devastated, but I told them to not take things personally, H does not mean to hurt any of us, he doesn't know what he is doing, he is in his fog. I'm so sorry they have to go through this, I think maybe from now on I need to sugarcoat what I tell them, this is not their fault.
I have not replied to the last posts in my thread yet, but I will do as soon as I get a chance.
"There's nothing sadder than a conman conning himself"
“There is freedom waiting for you, On the breezes of the sky, And you ask "What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, What if you fly?”
Thank you so much for your replies and support. It means a lot to me.
Originally Posted By: Kyh
I hope I you don't mind me asking but have you tried dietary therapy? My s had a miraculous turnaround when we eliminated gluten and dairy. After a few days off gluten he spoke to me, it was amazing. We were able to reintegrate dairy and soy after some time but he still has issues with gluten.
I'be been thinking about this, but S10 is a really fussy eater and it would be extremely difficult to completely cut gluten off his diet. I will try to reduce it as much as possible for D2 though, thank you for the suggestion.
Originally Posted By: ciluzen
I am sorry that you are without a support group where you are (friends, family, etc). I get that...times 10 when you have young children with special needs. Can you maybe find or even create a mom's or parents' group for those with kids on the spectrum through a local events or meetup site? Maybe even enlist the aid of a health agency in spreading the word? It might be a way of both making new friends and gaining some support for yourself. Worth a try!
I'm not sure if I'm ready for a support group or something similar but I have been making some progress into making friends locally and I have started getting loser to people at work and also my next door neighbor.
Originally Posted By: ciluzen
You aren't alone in this. You do have support here and people who look for your name and care about you. I know its not the same as in real life, but that will come. You just have to find the energy to make that happen. It will. It will get better!
Ciluzen, thank you so much for all this ^^^
I know what you mean, I think the support we get here is amazing, and I do feel like I'm among friends.
Originally Posted By: Huddy
My S was picked up at the 30 month stage, so, it's good to get an early diagnosis.
Huddy I think that I was not prepared for anything to be picked up so early as D2 seems to be thriving and is a very happy two year old. I am very happy I raised my concerns with the Health Visitor though, I thought I was paranoid but clearly I was right to mention those little niggles. Looking back if we lived in the UK when S10 was meant to have his 30 month check maybe he would also have an early diagnosis and we could have avoided the heartache that followed. Then again I would not have been able to "accept" an early diagnosis, it took me ages to see that S10 needed help, I thought that he was just quirky.
Roist - thank you for your kind words
HaWho - you are right! He does "crop edit and retouch" anything that doesn't fit his plan. When I mentioned that our situation will have an impact he was genuinelly surprised, like he didn't know what I was talking about! Insane!
Today I have a meeting about a VERY exciting project. My manager put me through for a training course which will lead to gaining a qualification to teach people about not wasting food and the benefits of local produce. It is a pilot scheme for a national project, so it might have a huge impact. H will pick up D2 from nursery and will look after her for a few hours, that will be lovely for her.
"There's nothing sadder than a conman conning himself"
“There is freedom waiting for you, On the breezes of the sky, And you ask "What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, What if you fly?”
Hi Esame, I'm here too for D2 support. My only bit to add at this moment is that ASD girls' challenges are different than the boys. You probably know this.
me 42 H 32 T 7yr M 6yr BD 5/2016 ILYBNILWY Separated 7/2016
Thank you for your reply Altair. I don't know enough about girls with ASD yet, my head is all over the place at the moment and I didn't really look into it yet.
Yesterday was a pretty bad day. I had a huge setback in my DBing efforts and broke every rule in the book
Basically H looked after D2 the day before yesterday so that I could go to my meeting. When aI came home I felt like he was checking on me, asking if I was working that morning, if I get paid for word and on top of his usual anger and hatred there was a hint of criticism. I was nice at the time, but I later realised his attitude was because the house was messy (which it shouldn't be, I totally agree). I had a horrible week with the baby's assessment and kids playing up and it was messy. Nothing extreme, just not tidied up before going to work, so the beds and living room were not done. The kitchen was immaculate. I felt awful so I asked him to please not criticise and to try and support me. He usually ignores all messages but he replied and his reply was full of vile. Apparently he is not happy with the mess the kids have to live in, because they will grow to be messy unorganised people. I should be better with their discipline. And if I had concerns about D2 being on the spectrum I should not have had any children after S10 was diagnosed, now that we do we should just deal with it. I found that to be disgusting behaviour and I burst into tears shaking when I read it. I replied very strongly that he shouldn't give me parenting advice while he is the one setting up the kids for failure. I asked him to try two rI with me so that we can rebuild a friendship for our kids. He then sent me photos of the mess. He took photos. Apparently he didn't criticise he just expected and apology. I thanked him for his feedback and apologised, there is no point in this fight. But I am so upset. And angry with myself for engaging in discussion with a bully.
I'm going to avoid him this weekend, he is so bitter and spiteful at the moment that being around him hurts me. Why is he becoming so toxic? And why is he so angry?
"There's nothing sadder than a conman conning himself"
“There is freedom waiting for you, On the breezes of the sky, And you ask "What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, What if you fly?”
She's his daughter and he's upset. It's coming out sideways at you. Just my thought. Hang in there. And he could have gotten off his a$$ to clean instead of becoming the Ansel Adams of interior photography. Just my $.02
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
X2 Your hands are full, a healthy person would see that and help. My kids make a mess right behind what I clean. It's a perpetual cycle when they're that age and if it wasn't that it would've been something else.
It sounds like he's in the stage where nothing will please him. When my w was there she was just waiting to pounce on me for anything she could. Don't worry about the setback, it happens to us all. Take care of yourself and the kids.
Yes, rather than feeling 'got at' by him - maybe just lightly throw back at him - well, feel free to help with some tidying H if it bothers you....I'm a busy lady!
I do think that from the moment he chose to move out, this became your home and you get to decide how you keep your home - ranging from every teacup facing the same way to organised chaos or whatever...
And if he wants to visit your home, he can take it as he finds it. Also remember that we don't always get to choose the circumstances, but we do get to choose our reaction. And if you choose for this to be like water off a ducks back, shake your head and go about your day, that's up to you. Do remember that what he's doing is more about him and keep your house just as you want it.
Hope you have a lovely weekend xx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
I'm sorry to hear you had a bad day. Pat yourself on the back for being able to get up every day and carrying on with your day-to-day job. We all have relapses (mainly when we are tired). I agree with Sotto if he isn't happy, then he can help! You are doing a great job, never forget that. Not now but I truly believe that further down the line you will come out better and healthier than H.
Esame - personally, I ditto Sotto. In fact, I might consider tossing a truth dart when your h criticizes how you live.
His way of living reminds me of "pop up" restaurants, "pop up" retail, etc. Suddenly a temporary store opens here and a unique restaurant temporarily opens there, etc. And then poof, when it's not convenient at that location they pop up elsewhere.
The spontaneity is fun when it's a restaurant or a neat retail store. It's not so appropriate to be a pop up dad. And, in my opinion, that's what he does when he "pops up." And it's so convenient to critique when he is not the one raising the kids by himself.
Perhaps for you, something politely stated like: "h, when you are here, it would be great if you could help. There is a lot of work to be done. However, if you cannot, then at least do not critique as I am here working very hard to raise these kids day in and day out."
I think this is a boundary issue. He doesn't get to leave and pop up parent in your space.
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
And he could have gotten off his a$$ to clean instead of becoming the Ansel Adams of interior photography. Just my $.02
Bttrfly that made me laugh. I did say to him that he was stooping pretty low, and I felt like saying more on the matter but what would th point be?
Kyh - I agree, he is at a strange point, not much pleases him.
Sotto - I wish I could tell him that by choosing to leave he has no right to comment on the housekeeping standards but apparently if I'm not able to keep the house tidy I should work and pay the rent and then he would be the one keeping everything to his highest standards.
Originally Posted By: Rouky
Not now but I truly believe that further down the line you will come out better and healthier than H.
I already feel as a better parent than H, and definitely a nicer person. Not sure if I can "beat him" in the health category, his diet and exercise regime is that of an elite athlete at the moment, he is obsessed with it!
Originally Posted By: HaWho
The spontaneity is fun when it's a restaurant or a neat retail store. It's not so appropriate to be a pop up dad. And, in my opinion, that's what he does when he "pops up." And it's so convenient to critique when he is not the one raising the kids by himself.
Perhaps for you, something politely stated like: "h, when you are here, it would be great if you could help. There is a lot of work to be done. However, if you cannot, then at least do not critique as I am here working very hard to raise these kids day in and day out."
I think this is a boundary issue. He doesn't get to leave and pop up parent in your space.
It is a boundary issue! I spent the weekend sipping on the STFU Smoothies and quickly reapplying the duct tape, because I really wanted to say that's the next time he invades my privacy by taking pictures of the house it will be the last time he steps foot inside. But that would be counterproductive.
I think my pleading for help has worked, H did spent a lot of time with the boys, even teaching S8 how to help me with chores etc. And I made sure I praised H as much as I praised S8 (if not more), and I tried to be as nice as possible about everything. Overall it was a good weekend, we coexisted in a more civil way. H is still avoiding eye contact with me, but he has made some effort with light discussion (on very safe topics). He seemed happy with the kids too which was nice.
I had a good weekend, took S8 to a party and went running twice. The first was a quick run, as I was totally unprepared for the freezing weather, but yesterday's was lovely! I don't ever remember freezing and sweating at the same time before, but as soon as I got going it was actually amazing. The crisp winter air felt so invigorating, I really enjoyed it!
All in all it was a pretty good weekend, and I'm looking forward to the week ahead
"There's nothing sadder than a conman conning himself"
“There is freedom waiting for you, On the breezes of the sky, And you ask "What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, What if you fly?”
