This used to be way easier - and a lot more fun!

[DonH]

Past due for an update. It's been a really rough week. I am really struggling but not sure I'll be able to explain why - it's pretty complicated to the point I even am not positive why. The sum total is sort of like life is passing by while I watch. I am participating but it still in some ways feels like going to an amusement park while sedated. Yeah I'm there, yeah it's fun but it's not the full expierence. Does that make any sense?

Let me try harder, okay on the plus side I celebrated my 7 year sobriety date free from opiates on the 2nd. While that's pretty cool, I totally Forgot until two days later. Not that I'd "celebrate" but still. I've taken a total break from trying to date. Not sure what that's accomplishing. Then I see both Doodler and Ginger having success - which I'm very happy for them, I really am, but then also I'm like seriously? WTF was or am I doing wrong? 10 years later and still? Really?

Then I have a friend I've gotten somewhat close to who has 4 months of opiate sobriety - which for her is an accomplishment. She is married to a friend of mine who has not been the best husband but has put up with a lot in the past three years. So with only four months in, she tells me she has decided to seek a D from her husband - never mind she knows not to make a life decision this soon into sobriety. But that's not all, as she has started an EA/PA with another addict she met in AA, oh but there is more in that her female sponsor had dated him as well! It's the crazy stuff that WW do to the guys here. Not only is this going to effect her family which includes a D8 and S11 but for sure will risk relapse. It's the worst things she can do. I don't think I can stand by her anymore.

Then add to that my work situation is really getting to me. This is very involved and complicated but trust me, it's getting to me. A discussion with the newly hired executive director nearly had me quit. While I am Semi- retired at 53, I can't fully retire. Then add I have a drug conviction from 7 years ago for illegally obtaining opiates and I have to be carefull as some employers don't see any difference in a "crime" due to a medical addiction and a bank robber.

Add them all up and I spent several days on the couch doing nothing. Thankfully I have a band trip this weekend out to Cleveland. I'll be seeing and staying with friends I've not seen for over a year so I hope it's fun. I perform 4 hours but the other 70 will be like a regular weekend getaway - with two married guys and one who met his latest GF on Father's Day.

All I can keep thinking is, damn I wish I had a significant other to talk to. Then again, I've wanted to reach out to V as we never did connect after Doodlers threat (though I did try). I should contact several other friends. I just have no ambition. I'm also wonder how/if taking a break from dating is doing me any good? Or have I just not had a date since July?

While I'm not concerned yet, it is starting to feel a little like the start of depression I had 9 years ago. That really sucked and I don't want that again. I know I need to GAL, I'm just struggling to make it happen. I just keep thinking, crap, I've wasted the last 10 years. I know that's not the truth. I know there would just be different highs and lows. I also know clearly why all those surveys report that people who are married or in an R are happier than those who are single or divorced. I would totally check that box. I so want my life back.

With that I am going to do my best to snap out if it this weekend. Hopefully I'll report I have when I return on Monday.

[WenikiTiki]

Hi Don!
I haven't been on this site in awhile. Your posting touched me. Yes, it should be easier. Sure isn't. I fight depression, too. You need to always remember that depression comes and goes. And yes, work on the GAL!
I sure hope you feel better!
Wendy

[Ginger1]

Don, I'm sorry you are feeling low. When multiple areas of our life don't quite as we hoped it could kick our butts.

You did not waste the last 10 years of your life! You got clean, you bettered yourself and made a life for yourself! It's not years "wasted" just because we are single. Else I wasted the 8 years of my life. And I don't feel I did.

Hey buddy, I get wanting a significant other to talk to. If I'm going to believe my day is going to come, so are you.

I hope you had a good weekend in Cleveland!!!

[doodler]

Don,

I'm sorry you're feeling badly. I've been there many times myself, and I know that simple statements like, "be positive" don't do anything to help and seem to actually exacerbate the problem.

The one thing that really helped me during my divorce was that I always had some future project in mind (generally a home improvement project) and I always tried to give it a special artistic twist that would make it different than the ordinary. That kept my mind actively engaged all the time (even when I was at work). It became an obsession, and every day, I would work on the project until I was exhausted. I wouldn't sit on the couch until I was so exhausted that I couldn't stand up any longer. I was usually sweaty, stinky and dirty, but I was happy.

I really think that getting up and moving around, even when you don't want to, is key to remaining engaged.

[Vanilla]

Congrats on the sobriety Don.

Doing great sweetheart.

Let it unfold in time, as I once said to darling Greengrass, it only takes one gorgeous adorable person and you are up and running.

Only one.

Yes I know it's finding her, and you will.

Sending you rainbows.

V

[whatisis]

Hey Don, congrats on the sobriety! I'm a recovered alcoholic and know what an accomplishment it is to be straight. I haven't touched a drop in over 30 years. My younger brother just went through the same rehab centre I did...it was kind of weird being back there visiting him every Sunday. I guess addiction is our family bonding exercise lol. Anyway, dating is tough. Online can be kind of brutal. As you've said elsewhere, people think 'cuz it's online that it's not the same as in person. I find that in real life, you meet somebody, it goes south, you lick your wounds and a few months later try again. In online it's coming at you from all directions. You're dealing with multiple people sometimes and it's difficult. I'm pretty sensitive and believe in treating people the way I want to be treated so I acknowledge people and if I don't want to continue I give them the courtesy of letting them know nicely. It would be easier just to ghost people but I can't do that to others...I know I hate it when it happens to me. Anyway, I've had one relationship in over 8 years of being apart and it last about 15 months, otherwise it's just me and my turtle. What has been a saving grace for me is my church ( I know, here he goes lol). I actually converted to my denomination through my last relationship...I didn't keep the girl but I kept the faith I'm very involved with the activities in my church and hang out with my church friends a lot. I feel like I'm part of a family. If I miss church due to illness I have 9 or 10 people contacting me to see if I'm Ok. That's huge for me...I've never felt so loved in a group like this before...and no, we're not a cult lol. Of course, not all churches operate this way but I am thankful that I've found one that does. Sabbath day is the highlight of my week and I look forward to it! Anyway, I don't know your faith background but I found it extremely helpful to connect and get involved. So, hang in there...this too shall pass

[DonH]

While I've been shooting my mouth off over all sorts of other threads here, I've not updated mine in several weeks. I started to - twice actually - but never got far. Hopefully the third time's the charm.

Thanks for all of the comments! Oddly enough I don't think all that much about the addiction past - not that I'm "cured" or anything (there is no cure)just that it's well managed, including with some medication, and I'm doing very well there and hope to for the rest of my life. Still, I do appreciate the comments and compliments.

So my last major post was about 2.5 weeks ago prior to a weekend trip. The weekend was awesome! I had so much fun seeing and staying with some friends I've not seen for over a year. My stress and anxiety were nowhere to be found. I felt totally myself. Then I came back home... Hmmmmmmmm, perhaps that's a sign.

Clearly GAL helps and works - and I've already known that. My struggle is doing it. Nearly without fail every time I'm hesitant of doing something or have to force myself, once I go I'm so glad I did and always think, "I need to do this more." Part of the problem is lack of opportunity. I try, I call, I eamil, but people have lives and are often busy. Plus, most of my friends have spouses and families. The other stumbling block is my schedule. I'll sometimes go a long streak - just had one - where I'm busy every weekend with band gigs. I then lose routine touch with friends until I get to a patch, like now, where I've got open weekends again. It then just comes down to if they are open or not.

At least I'm not feeling that impending depression thing that I was fearing, but I clearly still feel stuck and I've been trying to do a lot of thinking and reading about it. Where I keep coming back to is it's as if I'm returning back to my earlier years. When I was in high school and college I rarely had a GF. I had a lot of friends who were girls, I had girls I was interested in but was often friend zoned. It wasn't really until I was about 27 or 28 where I became "me" or at least the me I wanted to be and enjoyed the most. I don't know how to explain how it changed or even what all changed but I was just much more confident, dated a lot and never thought about any of it - I just lived. That went on right through meeting ExW and honestly up to the day that the bomb was dropped on me. Since then, it's been a regretion back to nearly feeling like the guy I was in high school and college. How did this happen? How did I lose my confidence? I'm still happy on balance, I certainly am sad less, upset less, struggle less than I did when I was married but I also seem to enjoy life less. I don't have the big downs, the fights, the worry, the stress of a R and family but I don't have the good things that come with that either.

I've dabbled back OLD but other than exchanging some emails that's about it. Had an interesting experience this past weekend although I have no clue what went on. Was with the same band Friday and Saturday at a new German Beer Hall type place. I've seen this lady before but don't know her or the friends she's often with. They were in on Friday and I got the sense she was interested. That was slightly confirmed on Saturday when she came back with just one other friend. So I thought I'd follow what I thought was her lead. Well either I did something that turned her off or she was never interested in the first place as it went nowhere. Wash, rinse, repeat - back to the high school rut.

Have an open weekend other than Sunday and hope to push myself to do something. I've been wanting to following up with V (the women I've dated a few times over the past year who lives several states away) but just don't have the ambition. Have a list of a half dozen others I really should and want to reach out to. I keep thinking I'll do it tomorrow. I need to just DO IT. I know this. It's just hard to do sometimes.

Regardless, I am anticipating a fun, fun time over the extended Thanksgiving weekend. I'll again be out of state and with many friends - combined with some music performance things including being in a band of very high quality players for a show - need to bone up on my site reading skills - something I also have not done much of since high school.

I don't know that I've done anything other than ramble but at least it's an update. It's been a long 10 years where very clearly, this used to be way easier and a whole lot more fun!

[doodler]

Don,

Does your band do the Trent Reznor/Nine Inch Nails stuff?

[doodler]

Don,

Oh well, continuing on my Nine Inch Nails riff; I don't like country music, and I've never been a Johnny Cash fan, but I love his rendition of "Hurt." I think it's better than the NIN version. And, I really respect the artistic risk that Johnny Cash took when he moved beyond his original genre.

I think the Linkin Park song "What I've Done" would make a good rendition song for a more traditional bad. It's an eerie song and I think it has lots of potential for a remake, but I'm not a musician, so what do I know...

[DonH]

It gets a bit different on the other side of the stage. Now, I'm not like some super-star or something but do a fair share of larger things complete with "green room", back stage "security", sounds companies, etc. That said I also do a fair share of random bars with 50 to 200 people hanging out, corporate events where we somewhat blend into the background, some table to table or expo hall or what have you "strolling" things - that's usually on upright string bass rather than sax which is what I do mainly. I also play a pretty decent variety of styles. I don't think I've done Nine Inch Nails all though I have to tell you, many of these I know more by tempo/style and what key it's in - ie, "that slow ballad in F" LOL. One of the bands I do a lot with does a few Johnny Cash tunes.

Anyhow, what I'm trying to get at here is after being in this industry since I was 15, having done, I'm guessing at least 2,500 "gigs" in my lifetime perhaps over 3,000? it really does become a "job" of sorts. Now that said, it's also one of my chief social outlets as how many jobs do you get to drink on the job, socialize, etc.? It is sort of the ultimate in combining "work" with "fun."

You would think I'd meet more people this way, and honestly I do. Again, like so many things in my life, I used to meet many of those women I dated through bands. But again like the rest, not as much these days although it was on a band road trip that I met V - which, BTW, I left her another message and shot her a text earlier this week with no response. Not sure what's up with that as it's not like her. But, there you go.

I continue to be in and out of a funk. I am having to push myself to stay busy and do things. I've got a slow weekend here - only one gig at a bar Sunday evening. Meeting a female friend for dinner and drinks on Saturday. She's about 10 years younger than me, never married, a lot of fun, but we've not taken things anywhere even though it's sort of like a date when we go out - well a date without much physical contact anyhow - which LOL is how some of my other dates go, so what's the difference? She has not had a BF in several years, just like me with a GF. I need to contact a few other friends as well and catch up. Then I'm off back to Cleveland again for the Thanksgiving holiday for again fun with some music thrown in - including something I rarely get to do, be part of a show band for an awards event. I've not sight read music in a while but that's exactly what I'll do when I get to rehearsal on Friday. I'll meet the other musicians, many of which I know, some of which I've never performed with, they will throw the music at us for the various components of the show and we'll play it. It's fun to have it all come together in 24 hours and then we'll perform it in front of nearly 1,000 people on Saturday. I'm going out there with the husband, very soon to be ex-husband, of the woman I spoke about a few weeks ago. Talk about a crazy story - they were separated three years then got back together and have been since February 2014. Rather quickly this time they have split again only they are on a very fast track to D. He's my age, she just turned 40. Wild. He is an awesome wingman, however, so....

And that's my life for the next week or so.