Here we go again....

[doodler]

I think I like the 172's a little more.. I have always thought the Pipers look cooler though so I am going to take it up a few more times to get a little more comfortable in them.

matw,

I agree, the low wing Pipers look better than the Cessnas, but I always preferred the Cessna stall characteristics. And the downward view is better in the Cessna. I did fly a Piper Tripacer a few times; it has a high wing (it's a fabric covered plane). It didn't really have a good clean and definitive stall. When you'd do a full power stall it would just do a stair-step kind of thing and never fully break. It was weird but kind of fun; just stay on the rudder pedals and bob around the sky.

[DonH]

Okay one more aviation story, perhaps two. The first plane I owned was a 172M with an STC for auto fuel. We charged ourselves $21/hour to fly wet which is how I got my instrument. I flew that thing all over the Midwest including with ExW and kids. Had Loran and basic IFR which I actually shot several ILS to minimums in actual (200 foot ceiling and 0.5 vis). I think we were up to $35/hour when I sold out for about $4,000 more than I paid in. It was some of the most cost effective flying and best times of my life. Then I bought into the Cirrus SR22. It had it all - IFR certified GPS, datalink radar, storm scope, moving map, synthetic vision and full auto pilot. Plus of course the parachute for the plane. although it would fly itself on a coupled approach to minimums I never did it in actual nor much actual IFR. I did fly a couple 100 hours in it though. We charged ourselves $85/hour, only problem is when I sold out out three years later instead of a 40% increase I lost nearly $5,000 on my share. I loved both planes at the time. Thing is, I just don't think I could go back to a bare bones 172 at about 125 mph after flying 210 mph plus with all of the bells and whistles of the SR22. But, the costs have really gotten up there.

Which brings me to the even better story of how I got my license for free. So I was 28 when I started flying. I may have been able to afford what then was about $4K to get a license but I just could not justify it. However, what I am great at is the art of the deal. I was chief engineer of an AM radio station that happened to be the producer of a nation syndicated radio show called Aviation Today. They were bought by the origional Flight Training Magazine, now published by AOPA. I also owned and still do own a recording studio. Among other things, we did jingles, commercials, production, etc. Sooooo I proposed that I create and provide their show theme and jingles, as well as provide other studio services. They would give a flying school free commercials on the radio show, and the school would then give me free flight training. It worked! While I had to hire some musicians, etc, fir the jingle, I did most of the work myself and it was still a great deal. And that's how I got my pilots license "for free."

Damn, I want to get back in the air. That needs to happen one of these years. V, the lady from 10 hours away that I'd love to date more was working on her license a few years ago but has not yet finished. I so hope God has a plan here.

[doodler]

I so hope God has a plan here.

Don,

God has been telling you to pick up the phone and call V and tell her that you'd like to ride her in a plane. You can hope or you can take action.

[matw]

Guys I am loving all the airplane stories. I am so excited to continue working on my pilots license. I schedule my flights every Saturday and look forward to it all week. Yeah its a bit steep now a days to go flying and I think to get my private will cost me right around 10 to 12k depending on how I continue to do. I eventually want to get IFR and Commercial rated. I would love to become an instructor as well. Its such a fun(expensive) hobby!


journaling...

So last night was my first night alone in the house. My kids were with my W in her new apartment. It was a little bit harder than the previous two nights when I had the kids but wasn't unbearable.

One strange thing that did happen was my W does a lot of work from home and needs the internet. Well at her apartment they messed up the install and left her without internet. I offered her to go to the house and work there if she wanted. She did and when I got home it I realized she had done a lot of cleaning, dishes, and the laundry. I am assuming mostly out of habit she is did that but it seemed strange that she did. They fixed her internet yesterday so she won't be coming back over to the house anytime soon.

Anyways when I got home and was planning on doing everything she already did I was pleasantly surprised. I got ready for the gym and went over to get my workout in. When I got home it was really quiet in the house. I am used to two boys (9 and 10) plus a little girl (age 3) running around playing. So I think that got to me a little bit. SO make myself dinner and packed my gym bag for an early workout the next morning. Then I went upstairs and laid down in bed watching some Netflix.

I am talking the W only a little bit and usually its when my kids call me that she will get on the phone and chat with me. We really don't talk about anything important just how the kids are doing and stuff like that. I try to make sure I am not the one to initiate contact and will end it first if I can. So I will just keep going one day at a time and see where this takes us.

[matw]

So last night I wasn't sure what I was going to do. I missed my kids and really didn't want to go home to an empty house. I then decided I would go to a kickboxing class. I used to really be into kickboxing even doing a fight a couple of years ago. I decided to stop back in April so I could concentrate on lifting weights and losing some lbs. I have really been missing my trainers and everybody that does the kickboxing. So I said screw it and went to a class last night. Oh I haven't sweated like that in a long while! Sore today and this is from a guy that lifts weights 6 days a week.

Another funny little thing is I took my wedding ring off while I was there and accidentally left it behind. Now my W isn't wearing hers right now but I told myself I would keep mine on until we decide if we are going to divorce. It feels strange not having it on right now and will go get it today after work. Part of me wants to keep it off.. but a bigger part wants me to keep it on because I did make a vow to her. If we do end up getting a divorce on the day that it becomes final will be the day I stop wearing my ring.

So I did make a little mistake this morning and did a little pursuing behavior. Texted her some small talk and nothing really important. I immediately regretted it after I texted her because I am trying to go dim. I guess I was just feeling a little lonely this morning not having the kids or her to talk to. I need to work on taking a deep breath and not giving into my emotions like that.

I am excited I get my kids tonight and will have them until Friday night. I really do see myself being a great father and they are the most important thing in this world to me. When they are with my W they constantly text and call me to talk. When they are with me the hardly ever text/call their mother. She has a hard time relating to the kids and goes back to her ability to develop deep relationships. I know it makes her angry/jealous but my therapist told me to tell her when she brings it up - I am the go to parent right now but it doesn't always have to be that way. What are you going to do about it? In the past she has told me they only like me better because I let them do whatever they want then she changes her story and tells me its because they respect me. I can assure you that I do not let them do whatever they want and I am actually pretty hard on them.

[matw]

So I made a couple of mistakes yesterday... This is going to sound really stupid and I realize I shouldn't have done it. Anyways on Facebook my W had her profile pic of the two of us after working out. I always took a little comfort knowing it was on there and usually the first thing people see when they look at my W in Facebook. Anyways she changed it yesterday to a picture of our kids. Of course I start freaking out and not being able to handle it (told you this was stupid) and text her saying those are some nice pictures you changed your profile to. She said thanks and we start having a little small talk via text for awhile. Nothing serious but feels really forced. Anyways I felt horrible for allowing it to bother me and even more that I texted her... So I realize I have a lot of work to do.

So last night was awesome. I had my kids and we just hung out. I love my kids so much and don't know what I would do without them. You can tell the separation is taking a toll on them but they are being strong and understanding. Hardest part is my D3 always asking where is mommy? And having to explain that Mommy lives in her apartment now. We do a modified 2-2-3 so I have them for the next 3 days and then they are off to the W for the Weekend.

This morning my W calls me when I am on my way to work. Originally it was about bills that our going to be coming out of our joint account. Then we continued just chatting about things for about a half hour. No real serious talk or anything R wise. Just what she is going to do with our boys this weekend and how her job is going. It wasn't all that important but it felt good to talk to her. I made sure I didn't ask her what she did last night or anything. I did ask if she wanted to hang out on Sunday which was pursuing and I need to stop that. I have to wait for her to ask me if I want to hang out with her.

So another thing that has been on my mind lately is do I want this marriage to come back together?? Everybody that is close to me is telling me I should just be done with it. Especially since we already did this before via the first divorce and separation for 3 years. Now emotionally I do want this marriage to get back together and am willing to work on it. On the other hand I have to wonder will this keep happening if we did get back together.. is she capable of being in a long term relationship with me? I do know that right now I am not ready to give up on it and that's shown to me by how much I have not detached. We never know what the future holds... I guess I just need to continue one day at a time.

[matw]

Another thing that I have been thinking about is something my therapist told me...

ME: I am so worried about being alone
Therapist: No your not.. your worried about not being with your Wife. There is a difference.

That sort of hit home with me... Am I that addicted/co-dependent/emeshed with her that I would rather be a doormat for her rather than work on myself and eventually find a women who appreciates me.

Its amazing all the thoughts that run through your head.. a year ago if you told me I would be separated from my W and going through this again I would have laughed at you. And here I am again...

[doodler]

Am I that addicted/co-dependent/emeshed with her that I would rather be a doormat for her rather than work on myself and eventually find a women who appreciates me.

matw,

I don't know the answer to your question, but I can tell you that when I reflect on what transpired in my own situation I often get angry. A lot of the anger is anger directed toward myself; it embarases me that I allowed my WW to walk all over me for so long. Is that codependence or just fear of the unknown? I don't know, but there's no question that I needed to grow a pair.

[matw]

Hey doodler,

Your right I really need to grow a pair as well. It amazes me how much I let her walk over me out of fear/being alone/etc... It sort of feeds off itself. I need to continue working on myself and learn to be happy with myself. I have given her so much power over me that I could literally laugh (then cry lol). I need to realize the woman I knew is gone and our marriage is no more. No matter what I do right now will ever bring that back. I might as well start doing things for myself and being happy.

[sandi2]

It seems to me that every mistake you make is b/c of your dependency on the MR.

Have a question for you......does this schedule with the kids show you having them on weekends most of the time?