The sorrow of it all

[Vapo]

You are not alone buddy...

Stay strong...

[Dawgs]

It's been a long time, my friends. Some of you remember my situation so I won't rehash it. Custody is all done and done as is everything else. Although she is raising holy hell about being taken to the cleaners. Oh well, she made her bed.

But at the same time, part of me will always love her. I know, crazy right? As bad as everything that went down and continued to trickle out months after, part of me still does. I only see her at exchanges...sometimes there is a flash of her old self and we get along great, and sometimes she's from another world. I still mourn for the loss but in a much different way, now.

It's the children that I'm worried about. But I'm doing the best I can to minimize their damages and give them the best life that I possibly can. Their mom only sees them every other weekend, and only on Saturday and part of Sunday. Sigh.

[doodler]

It's the children that I'm worried about. But I'm doing the best I can to minimize their damages and give them the best life that I possibly can. Their mom only sees them every other weekend, and only on Saturday and part of Sunday. Sigh.

Jeep74,

Thanks for the update. Why do your children see so little of her?

[Dawgs]

As for me, I decided to take a sabbatical in everything but being the best Dad I can. I was talking to the most amazing woman, but I need to get myself straight first because it isn't fair to her.

And then there is the monkey wrench. Some will remember the discussions on Harley Quinn. Well, that door somehow flung open again. So I guess this part of my story needs to be filled in, too.

Not sure where to start, so I guess the beginning is best. Back in 2006 I met what has to be one of the most awesome women that has ever crossed my path. I'll call her Harley Quinn - due to her penchant for costumes and a certain one she wore for me...but that's another story.

In early-2006, I "met" Harley through a friend. At the time she was stationed in Iraq with the Army. Over the course of almost a year we traded emails, phone calls, and video calls. I still have every single email she sent in a now little used account. At the time, Harley was 26. During our many conversations while she was deployed, I began to become attached to her, so to speak. Maybe developed feelings is a better term. She also expressed interest but never came out and said it, and I sort of got the feeling that maybe she was just young and carefree...at the time, I was 35. However, Harley was - and still is - fiercely loyal to whomever she is in a relationship with.

She returned to the States in October of that year. The weekend after she returned, the friend that introduced us threw a party where I finally got to see her face to face. We talked for hours and hit it off immensely - so well, in fact, that she wanted to go out the next night. I won't go into details of that date, but it was awesome and the night ended with, well the reason I call her Harley Quinn. So began our relationship.

Looking back, the way our relationship grew the way a real, honest one is supposed to. Even though we saw each other several times a week, we still talked on the phone/messaged/emailed just like when she was back in Iraq. My feelings for her grew and grew, to the point where I loved her and wanted to take it to the next level. But all the time, she never said how she felt - but yet the undertone was there. So time passed and I thought the carefree attitude was still there, but I was wrong...very wrong and paid a steep price for it. Harley had about a year left in the Army and started talking and asking my advice about what she should do - I even have the email about it...this will come into play in the present, and now that I go back and read it, it was so blatantly obvious that she really was wanting me to do was ask her to stay with me. But, that's jumping ahead of this so let me get back on track.

Fast forward to SEPT 2007. Still with Harley. I dropped hints but she always said later. So I was getting discouraged - I wanted more in this relationship, but I think part of me thought Harley wasn't wifey material. Maybe it was in my mind, back then, that getting my brains screwed out on the first date wasn't indicative of wife material...or maybe I just thought that Harley wasn't into the idea of marriage. After almost a year of exclusiveness, I wanted more and thought of marriage but was afraid to ask. I'm not sure what led to what happened next.

One day on my lunch hour, I was in a bookstore where I was approached by this gorgeous woman. We talked for a bit and she asked if I wanted to get drinks sometime. At that time, Harley was out of town on TAD so I said sure. This was the first and only time I have ever been unfaithful to anyone...Ever and never have since.

So drinks led to dinner. And it kind of roller coasted from there. This woman was really into me. One night we got drinks at a local bar, when one of Harley's friends saw us. Well, you can imagine what happened. When she returned the next week, it was one of the worst things I have ever seen. Just plain awful. And that played on my mind for years. I ran into a friend of hers a couple of months after that, and she told me Harley had re-upped to get away. Ugh.

The new woman, my well-documented ex, and I kept dating. In 2008 we were married. But my thoughts never ever really left Harley...I put her away in a little box on the shelf and really only opened it on certain dates and such.

Fast forward to 2011. I get an invite on LinkedIn from Harley. So I accepted. But the conversations weren't there. Over the course of the years, I sent messages but she'd never answer. However, after each job change/update, she would send a congratulations message and nothing else.

At the time, I thought I had a good marriage. But still, Harley would sneak in. As ya'll know, this year my wife and I divorced. We have two beautiful kids, too.

Fast forward to SEPT 2016. I get a new job and update my LinkedIn. Also get a congrats message from Harley. I decided to message her on FB. It took several weeks before she replied - and that was after several messages from me. At first she was very short, but opened up. It led to me giving her my number and her calling - that was the first time in almost 10 years that I heard her voice. We talked for about an hour. She now lives in California and I am in Georgia. Emails/messages/calls and eventually facetime followed and I must say, the conversation flowed as if we never stopped talking. Old memories were opening up. She ended by saying "you never know what the new year will bring." She was always kinda cryptic like that.

A few weeks ago, I sent her a rather lengthy email - one expressing regret and hope. A week passed and she never replied. A couple of weeks later or I got a letter in the mail, well rather a letter in a letter. In the envelope was a note, and an old letter postmarked 2008 - one of those return to sender types - apparently it was sent after I moved back then. The note said "I'm not sure." That's all it said. The letter, however, was a different story. In it was so much pain and so much heartbreak. I never have read that much emotion in a letter - all seven pages of it. And I read it over and over that night. There appeared to be tear stains on it. Also, in the old letter were two tickets that were dated SEPT 2007. In the letter she had told me she saved up for a long time to purchase the tickets. It seemed that she wanted to have that serious talk about us - and that she wanted to get married and maybe she was even going to ask me. I was floored reading that. I never knew. Never. Never had an inkling that she loved me. I must admit, it tore me apart reading that. You see, even though I felt that Harley wasn't wanting something serious at the time, she was the perfect girl for me. I just never knew.

So I tried to call. No answer but left a message. Same thing the next day. That night I get a rather lengthy email stating that my email (the one stating regret and hope) shook her and brought up the feelings of the betrayal. Said that she wanted to give it a go but that betrayal was too much. Said that she wanted to keep talking. I also have looked at her FB page over the years. She has a son, who looks to be almost 10. In the email, she said I have someone I want you to meet one day. And left it at that.

So here I am. With a heart that's broken in more ways than one. The woman that should have been was right there all along...I just never knew. I was that close. That close.

Oh, I forgot - in that email, Harley told me she had looked at my FB over the years. Said that she never married, either, and that she didn't want to go through that again. I do miss her, to be honest. But 10 years is a long time. Very long.

So here I am. With thoughts about this new one whom I been talking to (for a second go around) and then the monkey wrench comes in. It's not fair to the new one. Shite, its not fair to anyone.

[Dawgs]

Thanks for the update. Why do your children see so little of her?

Because that was her agreed-upon settlement in mediation. She didn't fight it and we didn't go to court. She would have lost big time - even her military career...

[TxHubby]

Damn, my man, that's a heart breaking story. I don't think your M ever had a chance because you loved Harley all along. Yours is a great cautionary tale for people to NEVER CHEAT ON YOUR SIGNIFICANT OTHER. Look what it cost you? Oh well, that ship has sailed and I believe you have given your pound of flesh over this. Hopefully you're a Godly man and have asked the big guy for forgiveness and help. He's very forgiving and amazingly helpful.

If it helps you share speak from the heart to Harley about what you have learned from all this and how you've grown. I think she wants to be with you or she would have stayed no contact. Advice? You've been through enough. Offer your heart, love, and LOYALTY to Harley and if you're lucky enough to win her heart for a second time then spend the rest of your life earning that and thank the man upstairs for forgiving you and doing you a solid. Good luck with all of it. I sincerely mean that.

[Dawgs]

Thank you for the kind words, TxHubby!

I know it may seem odd, but I loved both. You see, I never thought Harley was into it - but my ex, well, she played a good game. But I grew to love her, too. Different than Harley, but I gave her everything that I had. At the time - and yes, still do to an extent - I did love Harley, but I put her in a box and up on a shelf and took it down on occasion.

Maybe it wouldn't have worked, but I disagree - I fought hard for my marriage. I genuinely believed in my ex and what we had. Maybe I was fooling myself on some ends, though. But it is what it is.

That's what is so great - yet so bad - about hindsight. It's always 20/20. Always. Maybe our marriage didn't start on the right foot, but it grew. And yes, Harley always loomed in the background.

[Dawgs]

Oh, and TxHubby...

In that email I sent, I expressed the regret of how things went down and hope that we could talk and all again. That resulted in the letter and subsequent email. However, I did get a quick email yesterday saying we will talk soon - along with a pic of her and her son on this past Halloween.

Me and the big guy have had quite a few talks...

[JRuss]

If her son is about 10, and you were with her until at least late 2007 (nine years ago) . . .

[Dawgs]

That's the kicker. From the recent pic she sent yesterday, he does appear to be that age now. He could be younger, could be 8, 9, or so - I'm not the best judge of kids ages, although he looks a little older than my oldest.

I'm afraid to ask for what I may find, either way. I do know she is very independent and at the time was climbing the ranks through the Army. She has always been one to do things on her own, too.

But that's not a conversation over email. I'll wait until either face to face or over the phone. Maybe that's why she kept "tabs" on me, so to speak. Will find out soon enough, I suppose.