Roist & j20... I know I kind of slipped to the F-Z again, but we have always been husband and wife and best friends...it's hard to totally cut. I did not respond with any personal opinions, I just validated her feelings toward her family situation and told her that it isn't up to me to tell her and her family how to fix things.
Even though I don't want to totally cut ties with her, I do see the validity in doing so to show her that I won't always be there in that capacity, even though we will always have a parental role together.
I had only been to her place 2 times before that and had only stepped right into the door...never went all the way inside. I was kind of shocked when she invited me in. It is a nice place, but I am totally shocked that my W wants to live there. I'm not saying she is snobby, but she likes the nicer things in life. It isn't what you'd call the Ritz. For her to leave our place and want to live there, tells me that she is struggling for sure.
Me 49 W46 T25 M22 S22 D18 S13 W had EA Apr-Jul 2016 Dropped Bomb 7/9/16 ILYBINILWYA HER DIVORCE IS FINAL...8/18/17 Dropping the rope to SURVIVE & THRIVE!!!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Truth speak....ready? It has nothing to do with the place. It has to do with you not being there! Your old wife may not have ever lived there before...this woman that looks like her would rather live in a box as opposed to with you.
Gotta detach man. You talking about being best friends and such for the marriage...awesomene. We all were. Stop living the past to validate you allowing her to use you as a doormat. It's as simple as this...if you are cool with being her friend, keep doing what you are doing. If you ever want to be her husband again, you very well may want to change course.
34, xw33 M-10, T-18 2D (8 and 5) Ilybinilwy-1/16 EA/PA- 7/15-present (with my former best friend) Trial apartment-2/16 (also when she considers us separated) W moved out-8/16 W Filed 11/21/16 D final 1/30/17
When in crisis, they are their own mirror image, i.e., the opposite of the pre-crisis individuals. So, she liked nice things pre-crisis...now she'll live in a cracker box because this is how she feels about herself right now. I'm not surprised to read how she left a nice home and has gone to something that could be considered a step down in living arrangements. She's quite content w/her current living arrangements and it's all about no responsibility and your presence isn't there. It's her safe place for now. However, all of that may change as she begins to grow up...time will tell.
"j" is right...you have to detach and allow her to come to you. Follow her lead and if you can be a friend to her w/no expectations...then that will be great. While she is out there finding herself, your life's journey has started and you have time to do those things you've never dared to do before and to finish up projects that you started and never finished. Continue to work on yourself, be her lighthouse in the storm and be the safe haven where she knows that she can come if she needs to.
I know it's difficult, but try not to focus so much on her. Stay positive and always take time to do something fun and nice for yourself. Be the man any woman would be a fool to leave.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
SBJ job has dropped some serious wisdom on your doorstep .. read that one twice.
Reading along with your sitch I am going to just throw out the vibe I am picking up here. People are really trying to get you to detach .... there is a good reason for this. Your W is in crisis and in a way you are all to eager to eat up any crumbs she might give you, this is a round about way is you pursuing her ... like job mentioned in the above post, you have to flip the table and she must come to you. This is where the mirror work comes in because let me tell you, you have to become a pillar of strength and the light for her to look towards in this. IF ... and its a big IF, you can be her friend without expectations then do so .... for us guys its really close to impossible as we use the 'friend' thing as a covert contract to get in and create something more. Watch yourself here. I told my MLCr I could not be her friend because a friend would be happy for her and OM, clearly I did not put up a tent in that camp. Can you?
If what you say is true, that you both were the best of friends during the marriage, then that's something that comes with you being her husband ... she fired you from that job. She can not miss you if you are not gone, she can not think about what she has lost when you are still filling that need. I learned this early on .... IF there is an OM, let him try to take that job over .. ALL of it, fill ALL the needs and not just the sexual side. Typically the OP's do not want ALL the responsibilities just the fun stuff.
Listen to job, find a project around the house ... heck go into that one room where she insisted on that ridiculous purple color and repaint it in a color YOU wanted. I have seen a few here turn the M house into a canvas that helped them heal ... its a constructive GAL activity that has a sense of accomplishment that would do you good.
While I know what all of you guys say is true, it is effing difficult. I know it can be done, but that is truly a 180 for me. I was always the one that was eager to do what she wanted or needed. Now I'm having to find a way to tell her that I cannot and will not fill just the role of friend. I guess it is time to rip off the band aid and just tell her that. I have made it a point to not call or text her first for anything. She has called and texted very little as she has pulled away.
I think j20 told me that weeks ago..."She has fired you from the role of husband." I guess that has to sink in thru my thick skull. Thanks for the "2x4"...again. At this point I don't know for sure if there is anyone else in the picture, but I know the possibility is high due to the stats of MLC.
It totally stinks that this is going on at all, but it seems that the holidays are extremely hard. I simply dread having to go thru this between Thanksgiving and Christmas.
Thank you guys for all of the support.
Me 49 W46 T25 M22 S22 D18 S13 W had EA Apr-Jul 2016 Dropped Bomb 7/9/16 ILYBINILWYA HER DIVORCE IS FINAL...8/18/17 Dropping the rope to SURVIVE & THRIVE!!!
It is hard. Until you do detach a bit. Then you start to realize it's actually harder and more painful to hold onto this mess.
As for being friends, I am in the "it's not possible" camp. I think you can be friendly, just as you would be to your crazy next door neighbor. But even if there is no affair partner, I have not found it impossible to be true friends with a MLCer. Friendships are give and take. The MLCers regresses emotionally. For you to maintain a friendship with a teenage minded person, you'd have to regress yourself. An MLCer is too selfish to be a friend, that's why they dump anyone who disagrees, even slightly, with them!
I don't think you really need to tell her you can't be friends. This will probably lead into a r talk and that is bad all around as the focus needs to be on detaching. You could just show her in your actions.
And yep, they sure do become the polar opposite. My h used to be so house proud. No he lives in complete and utter squalor. He has not cleaned his bathroom since April. And before that, he had it cleaned at XMAS.
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
HaWho...thanks for the response. I know that we all love our significant others and that is why it is so hard for me to detach from her.
I will definitely work on the detaching thing...I want to get thru this, but this is harder than I imagined.
As for the polar opposite thing is concerned...it's not as if her place is totally bad, it's just not the same as the home she has spent the last 11 years building with me and for our family. I want to try and preserve that for our kids and possibly for her should she come out of the fog in the future.
I think you are right about just showing her that we cannot be friends...although she has this in her head that that is what she wants. I do not think that I could just be friends without wanting to have more with her.
Also on the opposite front...I know it has been less than a week, but I feel that I have become a bit OCD in my home. She and I had an unwritten agreement that I'd cook and she'd clean, I'd shop and she'd do the laundry, I'd bath the kids and she'd help with homework...then I'd do all of the yard work and such. Having to do it all is alot of work and I have had to make sure that it gets done right away. It is alot for a single parent to do, but it is possible.
Me 49 W46 T25 M22 S22 D18 S13 W had EA Apr-Jul 2016 Dropped Bomb 7/9/16 ILYBINILWYA HER DIVORCE IS FINAL...8/18/17 Dropping the rope to SURVIVE & THRIVE!!!
Re her new space--My understanding is that MLCers are casting around for what kind of a life they want to live. Moving into a completely different space seems to fit that mindset.
Sort of the "burn it all to the ground and start fresh" approach rather than a remodel approach.
It may be temporary, or it may indicate a new stage of life.
Me: 44 H: 44 Kids: 20, 16, 16, and 10 Together/Married: 22 years H announced he was emotionally detached and considering D: 4/4/16 H announced he is going to try to stay and reconnect: 5/1/16
Well, no surprise that she would want to be friends. This way she would not have to live with the guilt of what she has done. Don't be so available to her. Try dropping the kids off, not going in and see what happens. If she texts you soon after (when you didn't go in), don't answer for the day. You deserve better than to perpetually be on call for her. You don't work for an escort service.
My h wanted things, too. He wanted to live at home, eat dinner with us and sleep at home. Except on Saturday nights he wanted to sleep around at a rented apartment. Then he wanted to return home before the kids woke up Sunday, pretend he'd been home all night (what a phony!) and then eat breakfast with us!
Can you imagine me sitting there cooking him pancakes after he'd had a romp in the hay with some tramp!!! Point is: they try to take what they can and what you let them take.
By the way, how come you're not angry? Or are you?
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
