I agree with Painter about the previous attempt to validate her feelings. When you are sending typed messages, the tone could be negatively received. I believe you mean well, but at times, it comes across as though you are mocking her. So, yes, better that you took that sentence out.
The only other suggestion might be to change "getting 5 boys ready" to just "getting the boys ready". She knows how many kids you have, and previously, she had the full time job of getting them ready for activities. From what I remember about your early threads, you left those type of thing to her, and you brought home the paycheck.
I agree that you should have taken her off your phone plan.
You are doing a wonderful job with your housefull of little men.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
H-46 XW-38 T-7 M-6 S-9,8,8,6,4 S 11/30/15, I filed 12/8/15 EA 2/1/16 D dismissed 3/24/16 PA 3/18/16 confirmed 4/22/16 XW files for D 4/1/16 - D final 11/17/16 Finally moving forward...
You're doing great, brother, continue to preserver.
M 10yrs T 13yrs BD #1Oct 2015-PA between WAH and COW BD #2 April 2016-WH resumed PA, she broke it off Jan 2 2017 WH says he wants divorce April '17-Letting go 2018 D busted DD8, DS6, DS3
Between work and getting the boys ready for Halloween we had a full day. I realize that you miss them. I will have them contact you tonight. I'm sorry it took you by surprise, I thought I was clear when we spoke on October 17th that I would take you of the plan at the end of the month.
I call xW's parent's house line last night. Gave the phone to S8. No answer. xW calls back 5 minutes later and speaks with boys. S4 does not want to talk, I ask him to at least say hi, in the meantime xW is talking away, he says hi mom and gives me the phone back, I tell xW S4 is done talking and that I have to go, she says oh with a very bad tone as soon as she heard me and I hung up.
Today I feel ill, reviewed the judgment of dissolution and made comments back to L. Getting into specifics of drop off and pick up times. I also ask to put in a statement that no boyfriends are allowed to take kids to activities without the parent that has parenting time present or without the other parent's consent. My Ls are fighting me on this when xW was the one asking for background checks of babysitters over the summer. I am getting very frustrated with this whole situation.
H-46 XW-38 T-7 M-6 S-9,8,8,6,4 S 11/30/15, I filed 12/8/15 EA 2/1/16 D dismissed 3/24/16 PA 3/18/16 confirmed 4/22/16 XW files for D 4/1/16 - D final 11/17/16 Finally moving forward...
It has been a rough week. Have not been sleeping well. Still having a hard time not thinking about xW.
xW sent me a text with her new cell phone number and asked if I could download an app for texting since she does not have international calling and text.
Last night she send a text asking if boys were up. I kindly replied that they were sleeping. Then she asks if I can have them call her before they go to bed tonight. I replied with please text at 730 pm. Then she thanked me for using the free texting app. I just replied no problem.
About an hour later she sends the following text:
Not to harp on this but what is going on with your transfer? Are you moving here or not? If you really are I think you should consider sending S4 so that he can go to Kindergarten. He has already missed 2 months...any longer and he won't be able to catch up and he'll be behind a year.
I did not respond.
Today she send the following:
xW: Not sure why you can't just talk to me instead of getting your lawyer involved xW: Your dime I suppose. xW: I'm taking a look at the division of property tonight. I'll send it back by Sat. So we have to move the items out by the end of this month? We'll have to coordinate a day when we can both be there so I can have access to have the movers collect my things. xW: You have to file the paperwork to have the subsidy moved over to your account. I'm sure you don't want to have to provide me with all that sensitive banking info. If you fill it out and bring it with you on the 11th when we exchange the kids I'll be more than happy to sign it. xW: As for my half of the storage rental for this month and S6's subsidy for the month of October (and probably November) we can deduct it from what you owe me from the sale of the bedroom furniture. I'll propose that to the lawyers...seems to make the most sense... Me: What bedroom furniture? That furniture was mine pre marriage. Me: It seems that there are still many issues that have to do with money. Me: xW I cannot file the paperwork for S6's subsidy. I do not have your account and am not authorized to use it. This is not my responsibility to transfer. xW: No there aren't any issues... it's ok if you don't understand what I'm talking about...your L can explain it to you.. xW: As for the subsidy, you have to put in YOUR account info so that they know where to send the money. Fill it out and I'll sign. I can send you the TD account number but I'm pretty sure you don't need it. I will be closing that account at the end of the year anyway.
This woman does not want to do any work. Her texting app has pictures of her all done up posing. She is the most narcissistic person I have seen. The selfishness just continues, not the woman I married and she is not the woman I would want to be with right now.
I guess I need to continue to set a boundary with her. She has ignored my request to set a schedule to speak with the boys and just calls when she wants. I am I asking too much for her to agree to a schedule? I sent her an email before about not calling my work phone and she has ignored it.
Anyway enough rant and raving. I hope everyone has a fun weekend.
H-46 XW-38 T-7 M-6 S-9,8,8,6,4 S 11/30/15, I filed 12/8/15 EA 2/1/16 D dismissed 3/24/16 PA 3/18/16 confirmed 4/22/16 XW files for D 4/1/16 - D final 11/17/16 Finally moving forward...
Continue to put your boundaries in place, show her you have dignity and strength. The smallest but most consistent changes are noticed. Keep all the monetary issues on paper. There is an online (free) communication tool called TalkingParent. It's a good way to document all interactions between spouses during divorce and can be utilized by the lawyers. It is very helpful when documenting who is acting in the best interest of the children.
M 10yrs T 13yrs BD #1Oct 2015-PA between WAH and COW BD #2 April 2016-WH resumed PA, she broke it off Jan 2 2017 WH says he wants divorce April '17-Letting go 2018 D busted DD8, DS6, DS3
So Friday night I took about 1000 steps backwards. XW and I were texting back and forth for 2 hours. I broke every DB principle.
XW: Hi maybe you misunderstood I was talking about meeting halfway tomorrow or Sunday Let me know what day works
Me: Neither, I am busy.
XW: Ok well I guess we'll be charged until you're free Look if it's not this weekend then we're looking at a mid way exchange on either the 19/20th. Your call. I don't have anyone available to drive me back from London if it's not other of these weekends. You're more than welcome to come and pick it up from here if there's a more convenient date and time. Just let me know so I can coordinate. Thanks. And please have the boys call me.
Me: XW, I understand that you must be very busy with an active social life. Glad to hear that. Guess we will have to continue to resolve things thru lawyers.
Me: The boys are home if you would like to call.
XW: If in all I incur long distance charges When you ask me to call you I do Show me the same courtesy As for the car return it has nothing to do with my active social life I have to coordinate a ride home
Me: Then return it as the dealer requested.
XW: I am trying to do that You're being uncooperative We can send this to the lawyers to work out if you wish
Me: I have a full plate. I am sorry you feel I am being uncooperative
XW: I'm sure you do. Like you wanted
Me: Absolutely Am i calling your cell for the boys to talk to you?
XW: Please and thank you
Me: For the record this is not what I wanted.
XW: Ok Jim it's been noted You can seem to grasp that this is happening whether you want it to or not If you want to continue to make this impossible that's fine You're the one that filed in the first place. You're the one that kept the kids from me. I told you I would never forgive you for doing that but you didn't seem to comprehend the results of your actions I can't fix what you broke I want to get you the car back I literally have no way home So work with me Or we can go through lawyers and judges again You cut my phone off You don't respond to my texts or emails You don't want it like this But you are making it like this
Me: Really, let it go XW. The past can't be fixed. You are smart enough to know the impact of your actions also. I had a purpose for working so many hours. I feel my perspective was never understood.
XW: I know Jim. All you want to do is going around crying to everyone validating your side of the story Don't really care anymore
Me: We are both to blame. The fact that we did this to the boys makes me sick. It is not about me. It is about doing the work that os required to be in a marriage.
XW: The marriage is over. Now this is about doing the work that is required of us as parents
Me: I am. What are you doing? Nothing. No job, just took money.
XW: You've all but cut me out. Not much I can do
Me: You chose that when you filed.
XW: I chose not to be married to you anymore That didn't mean I chose not to be their mother In your sick mind it's all or nothing
Me: You chose to break up a family. Read up on it. You are the psych major. You should know the impact this has on them I didn't run away.
XW: I left you because you're a drunk and a verbal abuser A narcissist that can only see how things affect him
Me: Ok yes I am a drunk and a verbal abuser. You are a narcissistic manipulator
XW: Uh huh Whatever you want to tell yourself
Me: You don't care what divorce does to a man. Years off my life which the boys lose out on also.
XW: All you want to do is rehash the past Place blame Deal with reality
Me: Not rehashing the past.
XW: Make it better for the kids Focus on that
Me: You need to deal with reality also. Parallel parenting XW. That is all.
XW: Yes that is all I have no desire to try and do Co parent
Me: When you grow up and stop running to your mommy and daddy then maybe we can talk
XW: Says the man who's father bails him out constantly
Me: Take responsibility for your actions. Whatever
XW: My parents are supportive
Me: So are mine.
XW: I am Ok In less than a week this is officially over Whether you sign or not, whether you like it or not We were discussing how to exchange the rental Stay on point
Me: I am happy that I will never have to fund your bad behavior
XW: I'm happy too Look if you want to exchange this weekend you really have to let me know now I have to coordinate my ride
Me: Do some work and take responsibility pick up the car, drive the hyundai back to toronto until you buy your own
XW: No we can exchange the vehicle
Me: Sorry busy
XW: Ok then Onus is on you
Me: Lawyers it is
XW: I already spoke to my L
Me: Likewise Boss whoever you want around. It wont be me anymore.
XW: I'm not trying to boss you around I don't have a ride home
Me: Figure it out your dad doesn't work
XW: What do you want me to do? Hitchhike back to TO? My dad is ill That's like me saying have your mom pick it up You have a mother that is supportive and a sister and brother in law and boyfriend and friends.
XW: Don't be an a$$ Yes I do And they all work and have lives You have family too
Me: I am not. You are the social butterfly that needs adult time
XW: My mom is willing to drive to London
Me: Yes they are all raising their families Cant help you. Sorry
XW: Ok Then you can come pick it up from Toronto
Me: And you will get the bill.
XW: Whatever you think Jim I tried to work with you here You're being unreasonable
Me: There is no working with you, you don't respect me. I do not need to work with anyone that doesn't respect ne. I am doing the work
XW: I do respect you
Me: What have you done Really
XW: Apparently nothing in your mind
Me: That is why you went online dating and left our 2 year old
XW: Yes Jim you've done all the work
Me: For your needs
XW: No Jim you kept him
XW: We were in divorce proceedings I moved on with my life
Me: No need for me to move to toronto then
XW: You thought you'd take the kids hostage and somehow make me come back to you that way That's your decision I never believed you would anyway
Me: XW, we will never agree on anything anymore.
XW: Just another manipulation No we won't
Me: I am doing the work that you asked. Lets see if you will do the same.
XW: Jim our marriage is over
Me: You wanted me to have the hard conversations well here we are
XW: It doesn't matter anymore
Me: Love is a choice XW
XW: No it's really not Jim I don't love you anymore
Me: Ok princess go fall in love again and again I am done wasting my time with you I deserve someone who will accept me for who I am. I was willing to do that to save the marriage even with all the actions you took You had this planned for at least a year and a half and I was the nice guy that gave you everything, never said no. Goodnight.
XW: What dealership is the rental from?
Me: Enterprise in x city. The paperwork is in the car with their address and phone number
XW: Ok maybe I can return the car to an enterprise here Or in Buffalo I'll call and find out tomorrow Keep you posted It would've been nice if you had enough sense to ask ahead of time Instead of wasting all this time and energy
Me: Ask what ahead of time The rental? I just found out today. They called and I went to get the estimate. It is not like I was slacking off.
XW: It's ok One question. Can i return the rental anywhere? Toronto?
Me: Why are you asking me
XW: That's all you had to ask Instead this turned into a bigger deal than it needed to be
Me: Well I had other issues to deal with. How about you do something for a change. Stop telling me what I could have done. YOU do something
XW: Ok Jim
Me: I am pulling more than my fair share.
XW: Uh huh
Me: Narcissist
XW: You fought for this Now deal with it You left me for a year You've had what? 2 months
Me: Absolutely I am. Keep projecting XW I don't care anymore
XW: I have no idea what you're talking about but fine
Me: You never have
XW: I don't want to hear how much work it is Or how busy you are Guess what I know how hard it is and how much work it takes
Me: Do you
XW: I do
Me: Not while carrying a full time job. What are you going to contribute to the boys over the next 15 years? Nothing financially.
XW: I know when I needed your support you told me to "shut the f up" all the time
Me: Nothing I did was appreciated. I was working my a$$ off to out a down payment on an 850K house
XW: Again, I had a sound financial plan You chose to fight against me having them Against investing their money That's on you
Me: Their money will be invested
XW: Well who cares now anyway
Me: You dont I care
XW: All that money I worked so hard at saving, you worked so hard at making You just gave it to lawyers Even now
Me: You filed XW. Enough with the i filed first.
XW: Deal wit it Jim
Me: You gave 70K to lawyers and you could have had a diamond ring but u did not want to talk u ran away
XW: I don't love you. I don't want to be married to you. I don't want to be financially tied to you.
Me: Likewise
XW: Talk about what? Are you insane?
Me: No u are
XW: You filed for divorce and took the kids from me
Me: A mother would never leave her children
XW: There's no forgiving that
Me: These boys came from a broken home and now they are back in a broken home
XW: That's what you believe so you took them hostage to keep me a prisoner
Me: Ur free Do what u want i dont care
XW: Well you're doing your best at making it awful for us all The kids are unhappy
Me: Yes I am. Always the bad guy. U do no wrong
XW: They told you they wanted to live with me
Me: No they are not. They are happy and with a stable parent
XW: Ha
Me: Do u work Do u contribute to them financially
XW: Is that what you want Money from me XW: Sad
Me: No. I don't want anything from you
XW: Good then stop
Me: I should have stayed with the divorce the first time
XW: Sign the "censored" papers already Yeah I guess you should've
Me: Its not agreed on times and everything
XW: Saved us time
Me: 60 overnight a year mom
XW: Ah well
Me: U burned that money
XW: What?
Me: Their money
XW: You burned It
Me: Ok xW whatever
XW: I wanted to write this out Without lawyers You're an a$$ and everyone told you
Me: Then u should have written it. I wasn't going to do it for you
XW: Not to go through lawyers I did You never responded
Me: You stole my money you and your mother
XW: You're insane No one stole anything from you
Me: I will never forgive you or ur family for what they did.
XW: All my family ever did was help you You feel better getting this off your chest?
Me: I don't want to know you anymore. Really? They helped us not me. And you and them just took it monetarily.
XW: You're family was awful, truly awful to me
Me: 100K. 50% interest ha! You never listened to your father and let a few things slide.
XW: I'm not discussing this anymore
Me: There is always an excuse with u Goodnight
XW: As for the furniture I'll get back to you What about the agreement do you want to change? The drop off times? Like you want it to be 8pm and not 5 pm This is so ludicrous Jim we're divorced I don't know why you can't deal with that reality But for the kids I would recommend you put your big boy pants on and be civil and courteous and make it the best possible situation for THEM
Me: I am XW. This is what you want. I am civil.
XW: Ok
Me: I am looking out for me and the boys.
XW: No you're looking out for you
Me: Goodnight
XW: I don't think you care about them at all Yes what fits my schedule
Me: Goodnight. Not talking about this anymore. We can just email if you continue and I will uninstall this app.
XW: We have to work so that it fits in both our schedules
Me: That is why the schedule needs to be set in stone. I will follow it precisely.
XW: I know you will Completely inflexible Sad It is set Jim You agreed to it in mediation Anyway, no trying to reason or be logical with you
Me: There is no reasoning with you
XW: I am reasonable And flexible
Me: My world no longer revolves around you
XW: It never did Jim
Me: Ok XW
XW: It should revolve around the boys
Me: I get it so it is what it is
XW: And what's best for them
Me: It does and it will be fixed. That will be the schedule and that is what we will stick to until each child is 18
Me: You wanted this
XW: I wanted it to be amicable
Me: So deal with it.
XW: But your incapable of that
Me: It is amicable.
XW: I am No it's contentious XW: And awful For the boys
Me: No you want what you want with no consideration of my input and feelings
XW: No I know your feelings And your input Your way or the highway It's fine
Me: Stop putting the boys in the middle and using them. If you cared about the boys you would understand that they want a mom and a dad living under the same roof
XW: No that's what you want
Me: Yep now it is my way or the highway
XW: And that will never happen Not with us
Me: Ok
XW: Not ever again
Me: Good because I deserve so much more
XW: They wanted to live with me But you didn't care It was never about them It was always about you
Me: They can but not for the price you want. I am not a fool
XW: Ok well that's that
Me: Glad u have a home for them
XW: You'll pay double that in child care And waste all their money
Me: No I wont
XW: No I don't Can't afford the house
Me: I ran the numbers. I don't have to fund your nails or hair or clothes and shoes and I will save thousands
XW: Ok great So I guess it works out then
Me: That's too bad. U said your parents were going to gift it. What happened to your support Nice huh
XW: Makes no sense for me to keep a house that big if it's going to sit empty
Me: Agree So sell it after a year and go move in with ur boyfriend. Guns and motorcycle two things u never want the boys to touch You were opposed to those things and now you are dating a guy that has both.
XW: He's a cop
Me: Nice example to set. So what
XW: It's not like he's an outlaw
Me: Have fun with the cop. Hunters are not bad people either
XW: He doesn't kill helpless animals
Me: Hunters are not bad people either but to you they are
XW: And he's certainly not going to have a gun at the house Or have the kids shoot it
Me: Ok Right Figure that out when u move in with him That was unacceptable in my book that the boys had to meet someone so soon. Great example you set.
XW: I'm in a serious relationship
Me: Don't text me anymore am tired of you XW and want to move on. You have no idea the damage that you caused. Great enjoy I don't want to know about it. I am uninstalling this app
XW: Ok fine whatever then since i won't be able to freely communicate with you I'll just ask that the boys call me every night before bed
Me: I want nothing to do with you. Your behavior disgusts me. Buy them a phone then
XW: They're too young for a phone
Me: I am not funding you. Let ur serious relationship fund it
XW: So just have them call me
Me: No. They are kids. If they ask me yes I will. Otherwise you call
XW: No that's not how it works I do call and you don't answer
Me: And I am going to make it clear one last time. Never call my work phone or email my work unless it is an emergency with the boys. Yes XW that is how it works
XW: Well when you don't respond to me it is an emergency
Me: What two nights that we were busy Whatever
XW: Technically that's not a justification
Me: Go find someone else to jump thru hoops for you I am done Yes it is Entitled princess
XW: I'm entitled access to my children That doesn't make me a princess
Me: Agree So you can call
XW: Jim when I call you complain they're eating or shower in You know when they're free to chat so you can call
Me: No I do not. Goodnight.
XW: Why do you text me and make me call you when I have them?!?! Okey dokey goodnight
Me: Then lets set times. That will be the only way this will work
XW: Yes
XW: Simple Have them call me every night What time works? 7:30?
Me: No u call o am not calling u
XW: Great look forward to it Ok fine I will call
Me: Lets put it in the JOD
XW: FaceTime I don't have long distance You do though
Me: Not my problem
XW: That's ok
Me: Ur problem
XW: JOD is set
Me: Nope Not signed
XW: Can't change it The judge will sign it for you Nov 11
Me: Yes i know
XW: Whatever
XW: You say this is amicable You're being so childish It's pathetic
Me: No i never did U are the child that ran away
XW: You just did Ok and here we go round and round
Me: No you want this to be amicable your way
XW: Get over the fact that it's over
Me: You hurt me and the boys
XW: No you hurt the boys
Me: Good riddens Whatever
XW: You're still hurting them
Me: Whatever
XW: You'll never stop
Me: I never tell them anything negative about you. I also dont play the victim
XW: Ok
Me: That is what u do
XW: Ok
Me: Get a job and start contributing to their future
XW: Goodbye
Me: Finally. Afraid to work
Me: What comes around goes around XW
H-46 XW-38 T-7 M-6 S-9,8,8,6,4 S 11/30/15, I filed 12/8/15 EA 2/1/16 D dismissed 3/24/16 PA 3/18/16 confirmed 4/22/16 XW files for D 4/1/16 - D final 11/17/16 Finally moving forward...
Honestly I think I would have lost my $hit as well. She has re-written history without any accountability.
However.
You totally gave her control by rising to her bait. You pursued her during the convo and she ran, ran, ran. The problem with telling a WAS/WS your feelings while they're in the fog is they will simply mentally manipulate your words to re-inforce their false beliefs about you. I did this so many times and it resulted in extreme pain for me. WH would tell me how I was responsible for his going outside our marriage, this is utterly untrue but my emotional spewing just made him double down in his fog.
So Jim, no more talks about M, about R, about anything but the kids. Down load the Talking parents software, it's free and keeps everything on a record. If you X has internet access then she can use this. So we know what doesn't work, huh? Let's keep looking for what works, for now it has to be parallel parenting.
M 10yrs T 13yrs BD #1Oct 2015-PA between WAH and COW BD #2 April 2016-WH resumed PA, she broke it off Jan 2 2017 WH says he wants divorce April '17-Letting go 2018 D busted DD8, DS6, DS3
