A review of finding out about A and telling W

[j20a00g]

You are talking 3 weeks right? You knew 3 233&/ ago?

It took her a while I'm sure to get to the point t where she would toss the M to the trash and have an A. I just don't see how it could be remedied in 3-4 weeks.

Where the heck is sandi?

[Natus]

While i hope its true but it does send up a lot of red flags.

The problem now is you might drive yourself crazy with wondering if this is real or not which may actually harm any progress.

I suggest keep at it but also detach: as in not invest to much mentally and emotionally. Instead focus on you.
- your monitoring of electronics is for verification only not for snooping / spying.
- What are you doing to create a better version of yourself, focus on yourself cause if you keep focusing on her she will end up resenting you for it no matter how many books shes read.
- How is your GAL? Met up with your friends?met new friends? rekindle an old hobby? got new hobby?

[Steady9]

I am restarting a hobby, used to play guitar and sing, ... so doing that, and-- running and lift weights. Still less talkative than the old days, I do not talk about work like I used to... but I am friendly. A few times in the past days, she simply asks what I am thinking about or something. One times said, not about me I hope.(and I think she meant, hoping I was not thinking negative thoughts about her). I simply said nope...

Taking some time off of the talking for a few days but today, my W described the past few months, like it was dream, not real, and then said, not to make light of it. She then said she will work to make it up to me and just wants to be together...She said, I won't let you down...

[Steady9]

We talked for an hour tonight---I talked a little about the sex again of course, but in the context of what did this guy have that was worth a divorce. Did he have more money, better looking, fun friends, great lifestyle, etc.... I already knew the answers here (no for all of this)

She said it has nothing to do with this guy, it was destructive behavior in here, she points to her head. I have not brought up that the marriage is/was at risk when you sleep with someone else. This is a known way to break up a marriage. Why did you want a divorce.

Again, have not brought this up in a couple of weeks---she said the she just did not put it in that perspective, never thought we would be divorced.....

[Natus]

Do those things for your enjoyment. Its not about her, Its for you.

[Steady9]

On this one--I share some ongoings--to see if others have seen similar behaviors....

In my case, my W and I appear to be getting along reasonably well now... and then after a week or so went by... I want to remind about the seriousness of the event--even though she say that she will not let me down.... when I bring up the idea that an A easily can result in a divorce... this seems to get her to rethink and talk some more... so we do not sweep under the rug... also I learn more about what she was thinking or "not" thinking at the time.

Before I read about WW, I had no idea that a W could just drift away, isolated, alone, or lost, and make poor decisions... and then maybe snap out of it (or the red flags like folks have suggested)

[Natus]

Someone whose further down the road will have to comment on that.

All i can say is that my W when caught seemed willing to work on M, saying she wants to earn trust back etc, said the right things but her actions never followed through and she became resentful of the transparency that she agreed to.

Turned out not too transparent in my case cause she still saw OM at her office.

Well we are separated now coming to 5 months. Shes overly nice to me, texts me when she out of town and buys me stuff but i genuinely think she just want to keep me on the hook as friends, I dont see any signs of fog lifting or whatever.

[sandi2]

I think you both need to attend therapy to heal after an A. To be your own doctor could be risky. The more you occasionally ask her a question about A/OM, the more she will become agitated and will resent you. You deserve to have your questions answered, and she will oblige for awhile, but then will become touchy about it and want you to just get over it. It needs to be discussed, but you need a professional to guide. She may not know exactly how to answer some of your answers. The professional will know how to ask the right questions, and hopefully, your W won't retain resentment. There needs to be healing, or the MR just has a scab over the wound.

It does appear she is going faster than most, but it doesn't mean she's not sincere in wanting to save the M. Something may have happened that got her eyes opened. If she's not sincere, it will show soon enough. However, the A was not her root problem, and if the root is not treated, it will sprout again. That is why you need MC to work through these issues while she is willing to save the M.

[Steady9]

Thanks Sandi--I can see the perspective about me asking too many questions and could lead to resentment.

My W told me a story of how she was bothered about how I interacted with her and my son at a basketball game....about a year ago... My son was nervous about playing and I was not supportive enough and too pushy. I had forgotten this story and she remembers it clearly... This must be one of the foundational stories that made her pull away from me. She did not talk to me about it with me .. until just yesterday.

I am planning to not ask anymore questions and in this exchange I was saying that I read that couples become distant over lack of communication or some things that happen causing a lack of closeness.

Of course I would have preferred she simply raise her hand and say I have a problem with this but instead she slept with someone.

I do think she was "trying" to end the A before I let her know I know.... But who knows how long they would have talked... What got her attention was me saying that I was prepared to divorce.... She did not understand how I went down that path so quickly, she was hoping that I would never find out and she would end it before I found out and we had a good foundation.... She said that after she had sex,,,, she felt bad and just hoped I would never find out about it....

Each day she spends time evidently thinking about what happened and how she hurt me.

She is happy that I am giving her a second chance.

Let her know it may be better for her or us to see a C versus us talking about it at this point, don't think I have any more questions.

It appears the sex is just not significant for my W (with the OM) in general, money is more important --meaning, she did not spend any money on this A and if I had an A, she seems to be "as" interested if I spent money on her and if she would win me over emotionally with time.... versus the sex.

I think my W is happy to be over this and back home....and will continue to monitor...

The answers she has provided have been helpful and I just struggle with the past 6 months of lying and the sex act itself. I am reading about forgiveness and letting go.... I think I can get there.

Again the most amazing thing is..... If my W is back to normal, the way she was 5 or 10 years ago, what an amazing thing. I evidently was not the best H by not being the best father at times and being as supportive as I needed to be and not mirroring my W feelings and thoughts..... and now with this A, all of my sins may be forgiven and we start over. Her A in her mind is a greater sin than my lack of skills as a father and H... Now she is being fantastic to me. And wants me to not D her and marry her again. (of course I needed to find out about the A and let her know I knew, or she would have buried it)

I am trying to get my head around it... but I think many people would say this is worth it. We were not mature enough to have a "conversation" before the A.... but hopefully this event will be an opportunity to form a better R moving forward.

More to come

[Vapo]

Hi Steady,

I see your resentment gauge is climbing, please do hear the advice to talk to a professional. A MC is a must IMO. You need a guide to help YOU get over it. Money well spent IMO...