I believe I suggested to wait till the following week. You did it that night. Anyway, the point is to have a transparency plan. It should be discussed with your W. Tell her you need her to be transparent, in order to rebuild trust in the MR. And also, it will help her stick to her resolve to not contact the OM. It's not for you to sit in judgement of her, but it is to help repair the MR. It's not good enough for her to say you'll just have to believe her, or not. It's not like she will have to do this for the rest of her life.
If she thinks you are just looking at her phone from time to time, she will resent you. She won't understand the point of transparency. But if she agrees to be transparent, b/c she wants a chance to prove herself and earn your trust.......then she should not have a stinking attitude about it.
Just remember, she is the one who has to earn YOUR trust, not the other way around. Many WW's will twist it around and the LBH feels as if he needs to earn her trust. No, b/c she was the cheater, not the H.
She is not the one who is learning all this information. So, don't expect her to just know what to do. Of course she isn't happy! She's not going to be happy until she goes through the withdrawal period and gets OM out of her system. If her IC is worth his/her salt, he/she will explain how affairs are addictive.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Wow. Thanks again Sandi! Your last post stuck with me and I did it the next day. Could you explain why you suggested this week instead? Since she doesn't know what to do, how does she come up with a transparency plan? What are some examples?
I have lots of books on the subject and most just say that the ws needs to be forthcoming and willing to share everything. That's not the case here and the resentment that you called out is already there.
Your comment in your previous post about ww going deeper underground and the lbh waiting around like a fool is what fired me up as I've already done that dance.
I want to let you know how much I appreciate your dedication to the people on this board.
- m and ww in 30s - s4 - m 11 yrs, t12 -ilybinilwy ~5/16 + request for OM - bd 7/16, confirm ea and strongly suspected pa - 9/16 ww claimed to have broken contact with om
Had a good ic session last night. The biggest thing was that she believes that I need to work out a transparency plan with a couples counselor especially because of ww's ambivalence. She has already referred a promising one.
- m and ww in 30s - s4 - m 11 yrs, t12 -ilybinilwy ~5/16 + request for OM - bd 7/16, confirm ea and strongly suspected pa - 9/16 ww claimed to have broken contact with om
Have an appointment with a new couples counselor next week. Communication has been better. Today she brought up looking for a job again, which throws me off.
- m and ww in 30s - s4 - m 11 yrs, t12 -ilybinilwy ~5/16 + request for OM - bd 7/16, confirm ea and strongly suspected pa - 9/16 ww claimed to have broken contact with om
This weekend involves seeing the sisters in law, who have said that they thought that the om was good for her. My ic put it in perspective, asking whether they had it in them to speak against her actions. Since the answer is no and I want to have a relationship, I should go. I can and do feel betrayed but will deal with that later.
- m and ww in 30s - s4 - m 11 yrs, t12 -ilybinilwy ~5/16 + request for OM - bd 7/16, confirm ea and strongly suspected pa - 9/16 ww claimed to have broken contact with om
The visit was fine and uneventful, as was the day in general. Maybe it's due to my hypersensitivity, but ww seems extra shady with her phone again. Going to a new couples counselor tomorrow and will see what comes of that.
- m and ww in 30s - s4 - m 11 yrs, t12 -ilybinilwy ~5/16 + request for OM - bd 7/16, confirm ea and strongly suspected pa - 9/16 ww claimed to have broken contact with om
Counselor presented two options for counseling: 1) put our differences aside and work to see what we can do 2) work out a separation agreement
I'm only there for one of those options. Will discuss this with my ic and then talk to ww about it.
Ww seems to be less involved and stuff again.
- m and ww in 30s - s4 - m 11 yrs, t12 -ilybinilwy ~5/16 + request for OM - bd 7/16, confirm ea and strongly suspected pa - 9/16 ww claimed to have broken contact with om
Holding pattern. Had some days and times that were pleasant but ww has been less involved in family stuff. She has been sick and tired a lot too but there's energy for her to go to the gym. She offered to show me some stuff on her phone after she noticed that I was bothered by it one day. She had an overnight trip with her sister to a concert that was difficult for me but we talked about the itinierary and the significance of it. My feelings about the whole situation and what I want to do can change a lot even in a day. We will go to the new couples counselor this week and I won't go again unless she will work on option one. (See above)
- m and ww in 30s - s4 - m 11 yrs, t12 -ilybinilwy ~5/16 + request for OM - bd 7/16, confirm ea and strongly suspected pa - 9/16 ww claimed to have broken contact with om
Had a bad fight last night. Short story is that there was a miscommunication that I acknowledged and apologized for. She kept repeating that it was so terrible and how could I do this. I said that I acknowledge what I did and apologize and repeating (which is what the pattern has been for our marriage) was unproductive and I wasn't going to take it. She said that she could speak her mind or I could leave. I said that she could leave and more yelling and swearing ensued. She said that she was done and didnt say too much more. This was a case of amplified anger due to resentment. I don't know what's coming but am less scared of it. Good thing I'm meeting with my ic tonight.
- m and ww in 30s - s4 - m 11 yrs, t12 -ilybinilwy ~5/16 + request for OM - bd 7/16, confirm ea and strongly suspected pa - 9/16 ww claimed to have broken contact with om
