Surfer - The Limbo Dancer

[PsySara]

Surfer,
It's funny you gave that advice because I literally suggested that axact thing recently, that he come up with a fun activity for us to do. Of course this was after he shot down multiple options I brought up. I made sure to keep my tone light and happy and he gruffly replied he would think of something. So we shall see.

For now I am working on making our marriage a good place to be. It's a bit of a schizophrenic experience as one part of me is still struggling with resentment and bitterness while the other part is fighting tooth and nail to DB.

[Surfer]

Sara

Okay. I totally understand the schizophrenia!

Keep going.

Surfer.

[Surfer]

I am in need of some advice. I have the kids and I can't sleep. My mind is whirring. WW had kids for first part of holidays. Now me. They have been spending time with WW wayward friends. I really don't like this but I can't do anything. I know that but I feel vexed about this. They are total stirrers and it unnerves me for my DB understanding efforts and the future prospects for my M and mostly my kids security. Kids mentioned WW is looking for a house???

She has 6 months to run on a leased property which is slowly burning up our savings. She has been there for 6 months. I would need to sell out H to buy her something but she is not progressing the mediation she instigated.

We are getting on we'll. much better infractions lots of talk about kids. Historical events have seen this behaviour from her when she is cake east it but it does feel better.

I don't think there is an OM but I don't know. There was and EA poss PA.

Part of me, the angry side - that I keep surpressed as fights won't help now; they will push all the wrong buttons - wants to get a separation agreement drafted, force her to mediate or me instigate a D etc. But part of me does not due to the improved R.

However as long as my W is in touch with her wayward friends I will struggle to trust her.

She has been quite helpful of late with D8 presents for B etc. So on the one hand.....and then I know I am having a bad sleep night and anxious but anyone with experience here? The point is part of me wants to just write a cheque and say goodbye to her. I knew it's not that simple but......It's like the schitzophrenia PsySara mentioned.

I almost want to say......okay if you don't have the balls to do this I do. But then this is not my journey and why would I do the heavy lifting etc. But fast forward 6 months. She says I have found a house I want to buy. I just say, how you don't have any money to fund it....? She will have to D. How does that work in the DB world? Or do you say okay. Here's a cheque.....

This last point is important. Any thoughts or experiences on this bit in particular?

Surfer.

[Surfer]

So it all came to a head today. Great chat with W yesterday evening when picking up kids. W knows we are going to the coast in the north west of England. It's cold.

I realise that no coats are packed for the kids this am when about to go. She flips and says it's too late in the day to ask - I need to go in an hour, she is at work then she says she'll sort it. I say thanks validate a bit. Then she calls again and starts getting very 'told you so', 'you never', 'you always' (I'm starting to get a Bit p!!sed as she knew we need coats and didn't pack and is blaming just me for this - it's 50:50 and I am getting miffed at the attitude I Am getting). I set boundaries, she escalates I tell her I willl speak later. We speak later but she escalates again, I set boundaries. I then say S ought is enough. I don't want to be near you. I will but coats out of the mine I give you each month. She complains I reinforce thdon't boundary - explain the consequence and tell her it's too late. We have to leave. W is fuming, so am I.

We text something and nothing too and from but it culminates with me telling her we need to get this limbo moved on. I want 50% custody and the rest needs sorting. So pack in the games and get on with it.

It feels good to be getting this out and I could not care less about it. I have no anxiety or rollercoaster feelings. I am however getting bored with the games of the WS. I find it redicous. I really do want custody sorting, to pay her off and then see her disappear out of my Life at times. She is too untrustworthy, self centred etc.

Surfer.

[doodler]

I then say S ought is enough. I don't want to be near you. I will but coats out of the mine I give you each month.

Surfer,

I concur!

On the bright side, the lack of coats will allow everyone to chill. Good luck on the trip.

[Surfer]

Doodler. Typos all over my last post. Rubbish with an iPhone. My fault not a bad workman blaming tools!

So tucked up with D8 and S6 in a nice hotel room. Don't know how many times I have said 'go to sleep'. They are excited bless them. Paid for trip for grandparents who are across the hall too. Fun day ahead tomorrow at a pleasure beach then back to parents and home. miles of drive today and tomorrow but all is good.

It's like having 4 kids with me with parents. In their 70's but retires for a while so very routine based etc. LOL. Lovely though.

I am getting bored of this horsesh!t. It's not the lies per se (I never had an afffair - she doesn't get that even an EA counts and can be worse) it's more the atttempts to history rewrite and gaslight. I rarely say but I want to say "look you retard, You are out qualified, out smarted, out fitness, out kinded and I have always been faithful to you as my W and been honest.....WTF are you thinking. I am by nature Darwinian. I will adapt and thrive. How can you possibly think I will fall for your horsesh!t?" - this being the 100% that the WS says and 50% of what they do. I rarely even say much. Today I set some hard boundaries as to be frank (and he must have been an honest man by all accounts) I want to give less of a fcuk and I do. I don't want to despise her ever. But she looks more like a Fcuking clown every time she does this.

It mainly revolves around a combination of positions, typically loud lies

- spew (noise)
- history re-writing (lies)
- gaslighting (lies)
- propaganda to others (history rewriting) - aka lies

You can't trust someone that lies

I am sick of pretending I want the WW. My W might have always been the WW. IDK, but the odd thing. If it wasn't for the kids. Bags packed and gone. I am not Brad Pitt but you know she is no angelina - then again TBH at the moment I'd be backing Anniston.

No I am nearly out of here. PP made me think. My life is about to change. A lot. Perhaps not even in a DB way.

I am happy. I don't want her, would if she could come back, but not likely I think
Kids are happy. I can build and spend a fortune to make them secure now. W
Always squandered too much.

I am pondering my staying the course any more. I don't need her resentful way. She needs to shape up or should off.

Surfer.

[Surfer]

Journaling,

Had a fairly good nights rest. Kids are happy and we are about to go for a swim.

I have calmed down after yesterday's roller coaster and have thought about it. She basically pushed my buttons in a negative way. But I let her. I am usually so good at resisting the temptation to get involved in the roller coaster. I am cheesed off that I did, I should have respectfully declined and validated more. But sometimes it's so hard and you get drawn in we are human I guess.

So plans. Am I still p!ssed off at her ways? Yes. The squandering of money, the lies about all sorts etc. Do I want her back, no not at all, but there is no need to have a poor relationship. I need to foster a better relationship. I will get us back on track for communicating better now but I need to learn when she is weapons hot and trying to start a fight and provide some of that much loved down out repeetative criticism, 'back out of the room' (there's a WW in there) and come back when it's safe.

It's like waiting for a werewolf to change back at times!

Time to have fun with the kids.

Surfer.

[doodler]

Surfer,

I'm glad things have calmed-down. Don't beat yourself up over yesterday's tiff; sometimes you've just got to let it out and there's no stopping it.

Have a great swim! What's the water temperature?

[Ginger1]

So it all came to a head today. Great chat with W yesterday evening when picking up kids. W knows we are going to the coast in the north west of England. It's cold.

I realise that no coats are packed for the kids this am when about to go. She flips and says it's too late in the day to ask - I need to go in an hour, she is at work then she says she'll sort it. I say thanks validate a bit. Then she calls again and starts getting very 'told you so', 'you never', 'you always' (I'm starting to get a Bit p!!sed as she knew we need coats and didn't pack and is blaming just me for this - it's 50:50 and I am getting miffed at the attitude I Am getting). I set boundaries, she escalates I tell her I willl speak later. We speak later but she escalates again, I set boundaries. I then say S ought is enough. I don't want to be near you. I will but coats out of the mine I give you each month. She complains I reinforce thdon't boundary - explain the consequence and tell her it's too late. We have to leave. W is fuming, so am I.

We text something and nothing too and from but it culminates with me telling her we need to get this limbo moved on. I want 50% custody and the rest needs sorting. So pack in the games and get on with it.

It feels good to be getting this out and I could not care less about it. I have no anxiety or rollercoaster feelings. I am however getting bored with the games of the WS. I find it redicous. I really do want custody sorting, to pay her off and then see her disappear out of my Life at times. She is too untrustworthy, self centred etc.

Surfer.

I've got to ask. Why was it W's job to pack or to even remember coats on your trip with your sons? Her reaction was not respectful, not excusing it, but I do think it was out of frustration.

I understand if you asked her to pack the coats and she forgot. But you just figured she should know it's cold on YOUR trip with the boys. She didn't even go, right?

I love when I see a dad wants 50% custody. But know when this happens, you are going to be fully responsible for making sure the boys have what they need on your time. She isn't just supposed to assume and make sure during exchanges that's she's giving you what you need.

A good time to practice direct communication.

[Surfer]

Thanks doodler.

Had a swim this morning in the hotel pool with the kids. There was an outdoor one but way too cold - even though its heated. 14c outside.

Ginger.

Thank you for your comments.

I am always fully responsible for them I cook, clean, iron, bath, play. They are happy and well cared for. I have learned to cook the right things in the right way so it's healthy and they eat it. W used to block me from that. Never known why. Chicken, mushroom and bacon pie (with a big sunshine shape on the top) with white sauce, green beans, Carrots was the night before last and S6 had 3 helpings. Don't get me wrong - he wouldn't touch my lasagne. LoL.

I guess what I am saying is there is no reason a dad can't care for kids just as well, if not better, IMHO than a mum. Dads just need to step up to the plate. There's so much enjoyment in being close to your kids. I love it. I do understand the need to make sure I can cope though as the kids and stability must come first and this must not be about me putting me first so I do have a leg headed perspective on this in reality.

In terms of was it my W'S role to do that. No it wasn't. However, she packed some things (shoes only) and said you need these. She knew she had their coats. I didn't remember to remind her or get them myself. That was my fault. But it's a two way street. What I really felt should happen was for me to call and say could you drop or could I pick up their coats please? That did happen. However, and yes possibly out of frustration, it became a reason for her to spew. I am just going to presume I should not rely at all on her to be organised and I will be totally on top of their wardrobe. I don't then need to worry about it. I had just hoped we wouldn't need two separate wardrobes of clothes and she might have seen that the spew at me should have really been 'oh yes neither of us remember led, never mind we can be grown up and sort that, it's no big deal and we have certainly dealt with worse'. The problem is my W still feels she can be disrespectful to me and I can't and won't accept that.

Lessons from your post. Don't assume she has any role to play. She has sacked you as a H. Don't assume she can co-parent reasonably 100% of the time. Don't get frustrated if she can not. Just adapt and move on but don't loose your cool. She is trying to pull you onto the roller coaster.

Forget thoughts of divorcing her. Let her do it. Let her do the heavy lifting. A D won't solve the issues in any even. You will still need to co-parent. Just learn to DB better and stay off the roller coaster.

Keep contact to he absolute minimum.

Surfer.