I agree with Darknes and I think it is important to let go of some of the stuff you are concerned about. Your W chose to leave and that's up to her. What you choose to tell people and when is up to you. And if you choose to tell them she left and is having an A, that's up to you too. And if there are reactions from that for her - well that's for her to deal with.
I do think it's important to get to a point where your enmeshed lives become separate and you have a full and whole life of your own. From your posts, it does seem as though more social contact beyond the forum or your immediate family, could be beneficial. Have you thought about making some plans in this area and not even thinking about the impact that may have on your W - just doing it because it may be something you would enjoy?
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Hey Andrew, happy Halloween weekend! Slice the main brace, man the.... oh I don't know what I'm talking about!!! Anyway, enjoy your pirate-ing this weekend!
You are right the rubber band on my wrist is getting lots of use! I think I'm starting to feel worried for you as I hear the concern in your posts about how your actions will effect your W and any outcome. I just thought maybe speaking with her, not about R, just being friendly might help. Like when you almost fell over her that time but chose to make your escape. That would have been a great time to engage with her and show her your changes. However, I don't really know what I am talking about as I'm in the same position as you! Maybe the NC thing is giving me cabin fever and making me say stupid things!
However I do agree with Darkness and the others on here that you should do what you feel is best for you and not what your W or anyone else thinks. If you are looking for a reaction then it's not right for you or you are not ready. For example, as you know many a time I just wanted to pack H's stuff up and tell him to come and get it. I know that he will just say 'okay, when'? but that's not the reaction I want. So I know I am not ready to let go. I am leaving it until I am either ready or he asks to come get it himself.
FB, is really no big deal, in fact I think it's the work of the devil! If you are keeping your wedding ring on because you feel married then there's your answer...
I'll be over later for my chocolate.... :0)
Me - 47 H - 45 D-16 M - 6 years Separated - May 16
Don't leave me behind can't you see me I'm shining... (Years & Years - 'Shine')
darnkes / Sotto / Coly23 - Thank you for the visit and the comments.
Coly - I have some bags with extra candy in them including a handful chocolate coins for special visitors. If I see you I'll make sure to give you one. You deserve it.
BTW - "splicing the mainbrace" means that the crew all gets the day off and a double ration of rum. No rum for me this year (there historically was). Even though I enjoy a nice rum (Appleton's) or scotch (Oldbury Sheep Dip) there's not been any hard liquor in the house since W left and even before that for more than a year I rarely indulged.
I'm confident that W knows all about the changes that I've made which I've tried to make sure that I've made for "me" not for her or our MR. She's watching me on SnapChat and I presume Facebook plus we have numerous people we both encounter regularly. She also may be in regular communication with S22/D24 but don't know that for sure. I chuckle sadly to myself sometimes on how fortunate I am to have this community to help guide and heal me and help me with detachment but she has no similar supports. I don't know who is around her these days but in the past it seemed to be mostly fire-starters and enablers. The way she's watching me means that she hasn't had darknes pestering her to detatch and GAL I do occasionally wonder if she's followed me here though. I'm not hiding all that hard.
I'm in an odd spot I think compared to you Coly because I actually don't really want to talk to W right now. Not as a friend certainly. Yes, she was my best friend for more than half of my life and while I could find lots of things to say about my life, current events, our friends etc I don't want to talk about that to her. Not sure if that makes sense or not - a comment I'll make a bit later in this post might add some context.
This might not make sense but by training / inclination I am a scientist / engineer type. I actually studied to be a Mathematician. Looking at my situations / W's MLC as a project and the "system" as job has explained it to me (several times) I can fully accept (even if I don't understand) that just like Schrödinger's cat that interfering in any way with W and her journey could compromise the results. While it has been my position all along that I want her to come back and if she walked in the door right now I would accept her back I honestly only would want her back if she has come to a place where she can again be a loving partner who wants to be with me because it is the choice she has made. That is the core reason I think why I am keeping my own head down and holding on to "our" secrets. I don't know what would happen if I didn't and rather than mess with the process I'll hold it inside even though it is painful and continue to work on myself. Holding the secret or not does indeed make very little real difference to that.
Originally Posted By: darknes
Do you consider yourself married?
darknes - You have identified in this one sentence the ONE key thing that I am struggling with. I honestly don't know the answer to it. I do feel less married day by day but it may be like a favourite blanket that I don't want to let go. I do still feel love for my W but it also gets more distant day by day. That doesn't scare me as much as it used to. I don't think that hard thought, meditation, or discussions with others will help me with this. I think that just like J3B counseled me quite a while ago, it's a decision that I need to make each and every morning when I get up and then again perhaps through the day. I'm close to a tipping point perhaps but can't see well enough in front of me in the fog to know how close I am or if perhaps I've already gone past this point. Time will tell in time but is giving no answers right now. I feel that I will know when I, like many other LBS' am done. Today I still hope that W returns before that day comes and changes my direction.
PS - minor update. I had a call with S22 last night which went reasonably well but was awkward a couple of times. W went down to see him last Saturday. I felt a twinge of inappropriate jealousy / resentment. I was happy for her and him though that they saw each other and had a good visit (I didn't pry). S22 also said that he's coming home for Christmas and stumbled more than a bit and never actually said it but it would appear that he and W are planning on spending time together as well. I'm going down on Nov 11th to have dinner with him.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Hey, AndrewP! I silently lurk in the shadows, reading your thread (thought I'd go with an ominous Halloween intro). I love your Halloween plans...it's my favorite holiday, so I'm quite a bit jealous of your decorating and ability to pass out candy (next year for me!). My Halloween stuff, mostly witches, ghosts, and pumpkins, is still in storage.
I too, have run across the problem of dealing with the situation of encountering people who don't realize that my H and I are separated (actually, D as of this week). My family and close friends, most of whom are new and have never met H, know what's happening. H has told his office staff and family that we were separated. Yet, aside from those who have inevitably learned through gossip, I know that H keeps up the illusion that we are still very much together, even with many people that he still sees as friends visiting the vacation home or clients at his business. At first I would feel the need to protect him since it was obvious that he had kept our separation from them, but now when they ask what he's up to or where he is when I run into them, I always start out with, "I really have no idea". If they push further, I'm honest, but brief. It is what it is, at this point.
As to FB, I think there is a way to have no status. I haven't pursued that yet, but I think I will today. FB is all about appearances and declaring things. Yet, it is easy to just post things that are important to you without it being a diary for the world to see.
Like you and most others on the MLC board, I'm still standing but not standing still. Even with the dreaded D. Even when my IC looks at me with pity and asks, yet again, if I still have hope that we can R. This is such a personal decision. Only you can know when its time to step down. I've pretty much (85-90%) let H go. Im NC until I need to interact and I make sure those interactions are pleasant, no pressure and comfortable. My adult daughters and I do not discus XH at all. I hope some day to get to the point that they aren't afraid to mention the good memories around me, though. I love that you send your children a monthly letter whether they respond or not. Your interactions with each remind me of mine with my own (oldest and youngest respond similarly).
Anyway, AndrewP, I admire your ability to stand while journeying through the deep introspection and painful challenges to yourself needed to make the best of this not so good situation. There is a certain charm and grace in the way you are standing has me pulling for you to find happiness, whatever the outcome. Its a personal journey, but thank you for allowing us to watch you go from bud to bloom.
M-51 H-54 2D-27 and 25 M-26 yrs Bombshell and IHS 7-29-15 He moved out 10-3-15 D filed 1-27-16 D final 10-27-16
Why was it awkward to hear that your son's mother visited him? And that he has plans with her over the holidays? These are good things that are happening for him.
One thing that has confused me, maybe you can help me understand it. You've said you live in a small village where everyone knows everyone. Yet, people don't know your wife has moved out? How can this be?
ciluzen - Thank you so much for the visit and the very kind comments. Reading those make me feel like I'm a better person than perhaps I actually am.
I don't know if for myself that I would continue Standing even through a D - but the future is indeed an unmapped territory for us all.
I hope you get to enjoy Halloween in some fashion. For me it's about the kids and sharing my good fortune but there's always something fun happening somewhere. My D24 is having a party and sent me a Snapchat of the cupcake decorations she'll be using. It's a shame that she's 14 hours away by car otherwise I'd perhaps be on her doorstep.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
dream - Thank you for the visit. It's always great whenever you come by my thread. I enjoy your questions because they are always so thoughtful and make me think.
Originally Posted By: dream
Why was it awkward to hear that your son's mother visited him? And that he has plans with her over the holidays? These are good things that are happening for him.
In a word - jealousy. I absolutely agree that these are good things both for him and for W. There's the grumpy old man part of me that thinks that since W has caused me so much pain that she shouldn't be entitled to enjoy herself. I try to shush him but I know that he's there occasionally also yelling at people to get off his lawn
Don't tell Colly or Altair that I'm speculating what W is up to but in some ways I think this might be a very good sign. If we presume that W is following the MLC script theoretically she's gone through replay, depression, withdrawal and this might be the start of re-connection. On the other hand mind-reading isn't my strong point and I think one of the cats has done something embarrassing in the mind-reading turban but they're cute and one of them is cuddled up on my arm at the moment making it hard to type <3
Originally Posted By: dream
One thing that has confused me, maybe you can help me understand it. You've said you live in a small village where everyone knows everyone. Yet, people don't know your wife has moved out? How can this be?
One of the huge challenges for me is that I have no clue who knows what. Yes she moved out of our home in the middle of the village but for example the local constable who lives around the corner and shops regularly at W's store didn't know for several weeks. You'd imagine the police would be on the ball about this if anyone is especially since she's a personal friend of W's. Early after W left I did ask the lady at the bake-shop what the rumour mill was saying and she said that it was quiet. I didn't know whether to be disappointed or relieved. As time goes on it moves out of people's view too I suppose. After all W living quietly above her shop in the next village and me living quietly in the family home isn't all that juicy. I've thought about getting random people to park in our driveway overnight just to create gossip but it seems that I'm not getting any doodler feedback these days. He's busy on the Surviving board and trying to remember what a patina is a suppose
To be honest, I actually expected a pretty dramatic reaction from friends and neighbours but perhaps that's my own personal need for drama speaking. W is an intensely private person and I can understand why she's keeping a lid on things. She is thought an important figure (or so I thought) in the community. I've always had a very high opinion of her and her social reach. Perhaps I'm wrong. It wouldn't be the first time.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
I basically broke every single DB rule this morning, AndrewP. Speculating about W's thinking is better than what I did!
Oh dear. Did you need some assistance patching your tyres and getting you back up and going? You and Colly are the marathon runners, I'm just a marathon plodder but we're all going forward I hope.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
I do occasionally wonder if she's followed me here though. I'm not hiding all that hard.