A WW? (5)

[sandi2]

Okay, I guess I'll spew about spewing. I suppose it may be just me, but I have a problem understanding why you should validate her while she is smashing you into hamburger meat. Perhaps it depends on what you say in your validation. I understand when she is upset or worried, or even having a melt down about something else. However, when the W is wayward..............her spewing is usually a personal attack on her H........which is a side effect of her disrespectful mindset.

When I hear H's say they validated the disrespectful spewing WW in a repeated scenario........it is difficult to see change in how he addresses her bullying him again & again. For example, the meds are a trigger for your W, and it's like she was sitting on the clock while watching you. After five minutes, she couldn't resist, and she unloaded on you.......once again. This is a repeated scenario.

If she is spewing about the MR (in privacy and not in front of the children), or if it was texting........I might be able to understand it. Maybe. To tolerate the same form of bullying, especially in front of the children, is not acceptable for the H/father who is the head of that home/family. And then turn around to meekly validate the WW, (maybe in front of the children.....IDK), just doesn't seem to be a solution to stop it. But again, that's just my interpretation, and most H's don't explain the details of the validation. Most will say, "I validated her", and then the rest is left to our imaginations. .

In your case, It0402, you should expect it at med times. Frankly, I believe she keeps you glued to the bullseye and she looks for any & all excuses to shoot you down, and make you appear incompentent.

To me, the first time she came unglued over the way you administered OTC meds, you could have calmly told her you could see how upset she was.....yada......yada. But when this continues like clockwork, and it's more of a bushwhack instead of motherly concern....then if I were the H, I would probably speak with her privately, and I would tell her in an adult language that she was to lay off and not do it again. But let me add, in your particular situation, here, think I understand you being somewhat cautious.....if you know you are going to divorce. You have a very irrational, angry wife, who would use anything against you to get full custody of her child. I do not know how you've lived in that environment!

IMO, every woman knows how far to push her H. She will verbally test the boundary lines to what he'll tolerate from her. I think most women can tell by the tone of voice the man uses, and the look on his face.......when he's had enough and don't push it. Even my soft spoken H has his limit, I discovered. He does not yell, curse, or degrade.........and of course, he has never been physical. I can just tell when I had better lay off and shut up. It's the way he looks at me and that body language, plus his voice takes on a serious tone that lets me know I am pushing the limit. If only he had done that in our earlier years!

There is a time to say nothing and walk away. There is a time to validate. There is a time to set a boundary against bullying, and enforce it. The key is to be in tune with those times and to apply the appropriate response. With all the wives he had, it's no wonder King Solomon prayed for wisdom!

[mulesqb]

She wants to talk about the custody piece and I tell her I'm

not willing to do less than 50/50. She tells me I'm being selfish, am only thinking of myself, and she cannot go a full week without seeing my D (who's being selfish?). I hold my line there and she progressively gets nastier and drops an "f" bomb. I tell her I won't speak with her when she is talking to me like that and I leave. She screams behind me that I'm such an a-hole. I flip my laundry into the drier and she comes in the laundry room 5 minutes later. Speed about how unfair I am and how I'm putting D in a horrible place and W knows D will pick her in front of a judge. Spews a bit more then turns around and walks away.

You did great here lt...I wouldn't even acknowledge some of the BS she is throwing out. But she is clearly talking to D about you and probably bad mouthing you which is not what a good mother would do. She should be shielding her from the situation, not involving her and not trying to get her aligned with her...just terrible..

in turn, I go to her and tell her that I've given this situation a ton of thought and the best thing for our D is a 50/50 split. I'm happy to take full custody and W can do the 2hrs and evening visits and every other weekend side of things if she would like (what she thinks I should do).

Again, great job..

W starts crying about the week on week off and how she cannot go for a week without seeing D. W tells me how D doesn't trust me, she only likes being around me when we are having fun. W tells me how horrible of a person I am and how it's ridiculous that I think D trusts me. I validate with I hear you, but I don't agree with you for most of it. We have about 10 minutes of actual productive talk where she opens up about her fears in all this, but we end up back in spew land. She says there is no way a judge will grant 50/50 and I'm only hurting myself by refusing to negotiate away from that.

DO NOT VALIDATE...repeat...DO NOT VALIDATE..why would you? Do you really agree with her that you're a horrible person that your D can't trust...absolutely not...how about.."it's unfortunate that you feel this way. Going forward I certainly do not need you to manage my relationship with our D. And I would appreciate you not discussing my R with her as it's not helpful during this very difficult time for her."

And regarding the 50/50 discussion. She doesn't know what she is talking about so I would end the conversation and not give her the time of day over it.

W brings up 2 weeks ago when she says I broke a promise to D about taking her to school. I let her go for a bit,but she keeps coming back to it. (This is the promise W made to D on my behalf, unbeknownst to me). W says D told her I made a BS apology to her and D doesn't trust me to live up to any promises as I so clearly broke that one with D. Problem with that is that D is the one who told me W made that promise and D told me I wasn't around when she did. W keeps beating on it and using that as the reason D would never trust me.

Stop engaging in these conversations...they are not helpful in any way. Put an end to them. "Sorry you feel that way, but I don't agree" and then walk away.

Finally I tell W what D told me. W tells me I'm full of [censored]. That's not what happened. I am a liar, etc. I calmly tell W I know what happened and I'm very confident in the trust between D and I.

Again lt, you really need to stop engaging in these conversations.

W then pokes me about moving out. She says to me "can you at least admit that I'm the primary caregiver for our D?" She keeps asking that question. I tell her we are 50/50 parents and both take care of the needs of our D. That makes her angry, she calls me delusional, and she keeps asking that question. I continue to tell her that I do not agree with her on that.

Sorry you feel that way. Then leave. Let her spew. Not your problem. This is the damage that she has caused. Let her sit in it by herself.

I tell her that I am just about he most rational and honest person she could be dealing with right now. I say she has told me the MR is over and while I won't push this forward, I won't stand in the way of her doing that. She tells me to stop playing the victim, she cries more about how awful it's been for her and D having to deal with me. How she is trying to get D out of this horrible situation I have created. How D continues to ask for me to live elsewhere. How if I were reasonable I'd move out for 2 months and leave her and D here. I tell her we can get an apartment and do week on and week off until the house is sold if that's what she needs but I will not do anything less than 50/50. She then says we need to tell D. I tell her I'm unwilling to tell D until we see the co-parenting counselor and discuss with her. I ask W when her appointment is and she says they won't call her back so she doesn't have one. They came back to me asap when I booked mine. Unsure what Ws deal is there. W says there is some other reason I won't tell D right now. I tell her I'm unwilling to tell my D without a well thought plan that's been vetted by the counselor. W says D will be ecstatic so we don't need a plan. W then agrees to do it after we see co-parenting counselor.

Rinse, lather, wash..repeat. Stop engaging. She's projecting. Stop giving her an audience.

Hammers again on the primary caretaker thing. She gets pissed. Says the conversation is over and she can't talk to me anymore. All I do is disagree with her. All I am is angry and picking fights all the time. She wants to have dinner and not think about me for the rest of the evening. She tells me I can speak to her on text if I have anything else to say to her. I try to ask a question, she gets more mad,so I just get up and leave.

See above..

W then texts me 5 minutes later with more questions around our Roth IRA and our family trust documents. It's nuts. W did try to drag me down the path of our MR being fixable and why I thought that. I'm unwilling to have that discussion anymore.

So, I'm neutral here. I didn't let her pull me down the nasty path she was going. I probably should have cut the conversation at the start but I felt like I was ok having it. I will not bed from my 50/50 split of custody bc I know that's best for my D. My W is not someone I want my D around all the time now. W is not stable enough to give D what she needs by herself. I'm a rock and I will be there for my D through this. I won't let my Ws emotions/irrational behavior de-stabilize D. I used the "I'm sorry you feel that way but I do not agree" phrase so many times that by the end my W told me to stop saying that.

You are just having way too many conversations with her. That's the biggest issue here.

Curious on thoughts? Should I have just told her to beat it at the start of the conversation? She still seems off balance. She is still telling what I believe to be lies about Ds and my relationship. I found myself worried she was recirding the convo too based on the primary caretaker question. Maybe I'm paranoid.

Yes, you should put an end to it. Unfortunately this will become a business transaction if it moves to a D. You need to keep your thoughts to yourself and be mysterious. Let it drive her crazy. This is what she has caused. This is about you changing and becoming a leading man. Be above her. Less words., more action. More detaching. More Strength and Honor.

I'll continue to do what I believe is best for my D, rehardless of how W views it. I'm doing that bc it's the right thing to do and my D deserves the best shot at stability she can get. Going to bed, but I'm doing so with a clear conscience and at peace mind. I know I'm doing the right thing for D. W has to have some inkling that she is not. Who knows. Thanks all!

Stop trying to read her mind. That doesn't matter.

The takewaway here: Stop validating any negativity towards you. Let her own that.

Stop engaging in so much R talk with her.

Don't let her manage your R with D.

A loving parent wouldn't include her D in R conversation. Your D needs to be protected from that or put in therapy/counseling immediately. It is damaging to her. TRUST me on that.

Any custody talk is left to Ls.

You can handle this lt.

Strength and Honor.

Mules



[/quote]

[JRuss]

lt, man, I really feel for you having to deal with all of this. Mules is right -- you can definitely handle this -- but it must be exhausting. Hang in there!

[ForGump]

LT, your W sounds unhinged. Not a lot you can do when she's not in her right mind.

Don't settle for anything less than 50-50. If your W can't go a week w/o seeing her D, maybe you can agree to do the 2-2-3?

Your W manipulating your D about the divorce (e.g., "she'd be happy if you moved out") is just not right. I'd ask your L if there is any recourse/repercussions for that kind of behavior.

Sounds really tough ...

[lt0402]

Sandi, always feel free to spew about spewing around here! It's my nemesis and I could use the support against it!

So, it's strange. In these extended conversations I find if I validate I'll eventually get to tidbits of useful information from my W. When I say validating, it's pretty much nodding, listening, repeating some of the relevant things, and asking questions sparingly. When it's uncontrolled spew about me I either warn her that I won't hang around for it, or I leave and say we can discuss when she's more controlled. That one really gets her riled up, but it does calm her down typically and she becomes more docile. I'm not great at staying out of the fray, i.e. Me coming back into the conversation with her, but I think I'm building some skills that will be useful. Hell, if I can validate in these conditions, I figure it's got to be a breeze in the years to come. I even had a female colleague tell me how much she appreciated me listening to her and allowing her to vent during my trip. That's a first for me.

I suspected, after the fact, that my W was waiting to pounce on me for not doing he meds on time. She came down and made a big show of slamming cups and drawers and stuff. Ignored it, but unsure if I should have addressed it or not. My W says my D doesn't trust me as her parent. I don't believe that, but if there's any truth to it then these little W freak outs are one of the larger causes. Still trying to figure out the best way to address it. It's teenager behavior, and I'd think that typically that behavior would be ignored. Open to thoughts.

My W has stopped the disrespect, for the most part, in front of my D. Every now and then there's a comment dropped by W that's backhanded, but nothing like the start of this thing. The most recent one was my D saying to my W that they should "pants" me (Wierd sense of humor in my house, think it was on some tv show). W said "nobody would want to see that". I let it go, but compared to the start of this where she would tell D "Daddy is an idiot" in a "joking" way, it's much more tame.

I think you are spot on that I'm in her crosshairs at all times. One if her biggest complaints was that I couldn't take care of my D. I've come to realize that, to her, meant I couldn't follow the meticulous, and somewhat unnecessary routine she had formulated. I know from recent experience that I'm more than capable of caring for D and that we have a lot more fun and less stress without that routine. I'm coming to believe that W hits me so hard on "not being able to follow the routine" bc it helps her keep me "incompetent" in her brain and continue her stance on S. I'm also coming to realize that the routine does not benefit my D. It only benefits W in her alleviation of her own anxiety, stemming from her anger and OCD issues. D and I have been living with routines for years, solely to placate W not having to address and work through her issues. Sad it took me this long to realize it.

At this point, I'm convinced we are going to divorce. I'd like to work this out, but there's no chance we can without my W doing a major overhaul of herself. I still have work to do on me, but at least I'm taking steps forward. I think W has a fear of seeing and addressing her own issues, whatever they may be. I think that dooms any hope for R at this point.

The only thing, throughout all of this that's changed my Ws behavior was when we had our blowup after she went to see OM the second time. I've never raised my voice at my W and I think the amount of anger in me surprised her. For a week after that she was a different person. Well kept, docile, and soft spoken to me. But I can't live my life in anger like that. That's not me and I'd be miserable. I shouldn't have to be that. I will always take pride in the fact that, even in that heated 30 minutes, I've never called my W any of the horrible things she's called me. I've never been degrading or insulting towards my W. Again, that's not me and I refuse to stoop to her level there. I'm realizing there are times to be firm and stand up for D and I. I'm getting better at picking those moments, but I still need work. I'll continue to build upon that going forward. You are spot on about there being times for each different approach. I'm still not great at that, but I'm getting there!

Mules, I'm highly concerned that W is influencing D in regards to me. Even if it's not outright vocal manipulation, I believe my Ws overreactions are having an impact on how D views me. I'm thinking you may be right in my telling her to please stop managing my relationship with my D. At this point I have no need for her help in building or maintaining that relationship. Thank you for highlighting this, bc I hadn't realized I still was viewing W as an ally on that. I don't think W deserves to be involved there based on recent actions, unfortunately.

On the part about me confronting W about her making promises on my behalf, I knew it was a mistake when I did it. It was bouncing around in my brain for a while during the conversation bc W brought it up multiple times. Unsure why I finally put it out there bc I really didn't want to and I knew it would do nothing to help. Only thing I can chalk it up to is me not managing my end of the dialogue fully and bad judgement. A learning moment, and a realization that I need to be fully engaged in controlling my reactions with my W at all times. I regretted it as soon as it left my mouth....ughhh...

Mules, your takeaways are precisely what I need. I don't believe there's anything else to gain from detailed discussion with her. The tidbits I get are small windows into her thinking, but I wonder if having those is worth the pain to get them. Very convinced that D is unavoidable at this point. If that's the case then it doesn'tmatter.

What does matter is protecting my D. Others have suggested counseling for my D. W is adamantly against it. I've pushed but haven't forced the issue. W meets with co-parent counselor this week. Our combined session will follow that. I'll lever that to plan for us telling our D and for getting W to agree to put D in counseling. I want W to at worst be neutral about it bc I worry the counseling won't help if W pushes against it.

Strength and honor are my goal mules. Honor to me is standing for what is right and making the right decisions, for the right reasons, regardless of the cost with my W.

JR, appreciate your thoughts and support brother! It's very tiring, but my D is my strength and what keeps me grinding. I need to show her a strong, yet compassionate person. I'm not there yet, but I'm getting there.

FG, I'm not sure if she'll ever be better. She really has work to do on herself if she ever wants to be at peace. It's sad, bc I've never wanted her to feel this way and I am unable to fix it for her. Her journey. Unfortunately, my D and I are forced to ride shotgun for a bit down the bumpy part of her path.

I offered that 2-2-3 is an option and she told me there's 0% chance she'd uproot D during the school week. I then offered for D to be with me during the week and W could do what she was proposing I'd do. She was livid at that thought. Again, I think she eliminates everything that doesn't suit her mind of the future. Very concerned how the custody piece shakes out with W unwilling to budge.

It's tough, but not any tougher than everyone else around here's situations. We all just have slight nuances of similar things. We all suffer, but I couldn't think of better people than all of you to be in the company of during this. Without y'all I don't know that I'd of had the strength to be this balanced through everything.

Know that I appreciate each and everyone of you! Now back to the grind!

[CT1118]

It0402 - how are you brother. Big drawback to being absent from here for a bit is the time it takes to catch up on friends, even then, tough to hit them all. Was just reading this WW5 thread. Man this was great:

One of the best things to come out of all of this though is my booming R with my D. I think we both make each other so much happier now. My ability to communicate with her is leaps and bounds above where it was before. Seeing how happy my D is every day gives me hope that all will be good in the future.

Virtual hug, not even a bro-hug but a real one and a salute in your direction. Awesome.

It's tough, but not any tougher than everyone else around here's situations. We all just have slight nuances of similar things. We all suffer, but I couldn't think of better people than all of you to be in the company of during this. Without y'all I don't know that I'd of had the strength to be this balanced through everything.

If there were a physical door to the newcomer forum, this should hang on a plaque over top of it.

I am not here to advice, I see you in good hands. Just wanted to have your back for the moment and let you hear the applause.

[ForGump]

I think she eliminates everything that doesn't suit her mind of the future. Very concerned how the custody piece shakes out with W unwilling to budge.

It looks like you & your W simply don't agree on the basics, so it will have to be decided by the court. I hope you have a good L and you've been consulting her/him about this, so that you are ready to make a strong case for a 50-50 custody.

I'm sorry to hear what you're going through.

[mulesqb]

Mules, I'm highly concerned that W is influencing D in regards to me. Even if it's not outright vocal manipulation, I believe my Ws overreactions are having an impact on how D views me. I'm thinking you may be right in my telling her to please stop managing my relationship with my D. At this point I have no need for her help in building or maintaining that relationship. Thank you for highlighting this, bc I hadn't realized I still was viewing W as an ally on that. I don't think W deserves to be involved there based on recent actions, unfortunately.

On the part about me confronting W about her making promises on my behalf, I knew it was a mistake when I did it. It was bouncing around in my brain for a while during the conversation bc W brought it up multiple times. Unsure why I finally put it out there bc I really didn't want to and I knew it would do nothing to help. Only thing I can chalk it up to is me not managing my end of the dialogue fully and bad judgement. A learning moment, and a realization that I need to be fully engaged in controlling my reactions with my W at all times. I regretted it as soon as it left my mouth....ughhh...

Mules, your takeaways are precisely what I need. I don't believe there's anything else to gain from detailed discussion with her. The tidbits I get are small windows into her thinking, but I wonder if having those is worth the pain to get them. Very convinced that D is unavoidable at this point. If that's the case then it doesn'tmatter.

What does matter is protecting my D. Others have suggested counseling for my D. W is adamantly against it. I've pushed but haven't forced the issue. W meets with co-parent counselor this week. Our combined session will follow that. I'll lever that to plan for us telling our D and for getting W to agree to put D in counseling. I want W to at worst be neutral about it bc I worry the counseling won't help if W pushes against it.

Strength and honor are my goal mules. Honor to me is standing for what is right and making the right decisions, for the right reasons, regardless of the cost with my W.

Hi lt,

Please don't beat yourself up over these things. I think you are a good man and doing a great job. I always felt the hardest part of DBing was being the moment and know the right DB response. I was terrible at it. It's much easier on this side reading about your interactions and then trying to help.

The way I improved was to try and anticipate situations and how I would respond. That was far a long in the process for me and probably way too late.

I know you feel like this going the D route. But honestly, I think the biggest thing that needs to happen is true separation for you guys. You're just around each other too much, you interact too much and engage too much.

I am concerned about your W's interactions with your D. That is not a sound woman. She should not be spewing about you in front of her. She should be shielding your D from whatever she can. That is parenting 101. And that is where I can definitely speak from experience as my fiancee has 3 boys and I have 3 boys.We all live together. Her boys were completely shielded from her sitch and mine were not. There is a HUGE difference in their self confidence, self worth, anxiety. Kids shouldn't be drawn into a Divorce/Sep. I hate when I hear people say they are resilient. That is the biggest BS I have ever heard. I truly think they internalize their feelings. And when they finally come to terms with their feelings, it is not pretty. Your W is causing serious damage to your D but is too selfish to care. I know some here have recommended therapy for your D and i can't agree more. I took one of my boys to therapy every week for 6 years. Things came out of him that I could have never imagined.

I love what you said about Strength and Honor. Use it to your advantage. I used to whisper those words to myself all the time. It helped me get through some incredible situations.

And as always, keep being yourself. And keep improving yourself. Do it for you and do it for your D.

You can handle this lt. But you need to start making some changes. I hope you agree.

Strength and Honor.

Mules

[CT1118]

I always felt the hardest part of DBing was being the moment and know the right DB response. I was terrible at it. It's much easier on this side reading about your interactions and then trying to help.

The way I improved was to try and anticipate situations and how I would respond. That was far a long in the process for me and probably way too late.

Mules/It: If I may (and I may not, as I am not resolved nor complete in my sitch) I had a brief Kubrick fascination in my life, I once read that every detail in his movies was on purpose, everything - clothes, paint, of course dialog...it all had purpose. When I began reading DB and the DB forum, the above made a whole lot of sense, found in questions like "what is your purpose", "what was your goal", or the obligatory "what you could have said...."?

To get to the point, being in the moment of DB is tough and I was not expert (still not), but anticipation (different from mind reading, I will say) seemed pretty crucial. I would use my journal to write possible answers I may have to choose from and re-read them. And then re-read them. And then...re-read them. I pulled it off successfully a few times and it went better than flying my by the seat of my very emotional pants. On the surface, this may sound dishonest, but I don't think so. As the artist wishes to present an honest piece, is it not logical to rehearse a part? This was not fake to me, because I was rehearsing possible outcomes for the truth I did believe in.

Anyway, this was a post about self tactics and not directly related to your sitch It0402, but if "it made a difference to that one" as the starfish story goes...

[lt0402]

Ok all, been away from here for the week. I find myself reinvigorated in my work and have been finally able to focus on things there more fully. I haven't lost sight of time with my D or working on myself, but am finding what I think is a healthier balance between work and my situation. Not a bad thing, but I've got to be sure that I don't swing back to where work consumes me like before all this was happening. As I look back on those days, I think I may have been using work as an escape from the issues w/ my W that led up to our S. On that note, some responses and then quick journaling. I really need to get caught back up w/ everyone and see where everyone is.

CT, you sir, along w/ many others here have my full respect and your virtual hugs mean a lot to me brother! Thank you as always, for your support and kind words!

FG, you hit the nail on the head in regards to my concerns for the immediate future. My W is inflexible in her custody views and inflexibility only lasts until something breaks. My L has been very helpful to frame things and I think she is positioning us correctly to address my Ws Ls. It is not a battle I am eager to fight, but it is one that is worth fighting as I believe it's detrimental to my Ds development as a woman to be full time w/ my W. I've dug deep to make sure I'm viewing that as unbiased as possible and I honestly believe that is true. I will continue to make the right decisions for the right reasons and follow through with them. Strength and honor as mules so aptly puts it.

With that said, having my L actively engaged relatively early in this process has been amazing in regards to giving me clarity and stability. You all were right that it was the correct decision. Knowing the facts about how this thing works, and not buying into Ws bullying and misconstruing of the process has helped a lot.

Mules, not beating myself up over stuff like I used to. I'm at a point now where I know I'm going to make mistakes and I'm ok w/ that. That said, I like the thought of working through potential scenarios and practicing a response. I took that advice and have been working on it throughout the week while commuting to and from work. I was doing this a little before, but am really trying to expand it now.

Unfortunately, I do think the D route is the final path for this. My W is too anxiety driven and is unwilling to address those issues. It's impossible for me to see a way for us to be together so long as that's the case. Not just bc she doesn't want it, but also bc I'm unwilling to tolerate the atmosphere and exchanges created bc of her anxiety and my responses to it. I deserve better than that and so does my D.

I'd love to be with my W again. I'd love for our family to be back together. I'd love to put every ounce of effort I have into saving our MR, like I feel I've done the past few months, but I think it all fails w/o addressing those anxiety issues. Don't get me wrong, I will not stop trying as hard as I can to be a better man and father. I just am realizing that my changes alone will not be enough to save my MR. My W also needs to do a lot of heavy lifting and unfortunately I don't know that she'll ever be eager to address that. [censored], but I'm coming to grips with that now.

I appreciate your thoughts around the welfare of my D. I fear for my Ds stability, the same as you did/do with your Ss. I see the anxiety in my D at times and it kills me. I'm working hard to make a less structured (sounds crazy to say) environment for my D and break down some of the rigidity my W has created. Effectively allow her to be looser and more free from concerns about doing things the "wrong" way. This is leading to more anxiety from my W, but again, I believe it's the right decision for the right reason. My D seems to be happier w/o fear of what my Ws response will be. My W and I have our co-parenting session next week and I'm going to work on getting her to agree to put our D with and IC during that.

I agree that I need to start making some changes. I feel like I'm at a point now that the situation no longer overwhelms me. I've come to terms with it and am ready to go wherever it takes me. On a scale of detachment I currently lean closer to detached than I have at any point in the past. I realize that will swing back and forth, but the swings are no longer nearly as violent as they used to be. As for changes, I'm open to suggestions you all may see, but I'm focused on continuing to build my R w/ my D, re-focusing on my career after the past few months, continuing my grind at the gym, and building my skills at GAL and meeting new people. That last one is where I've been slacking recently, but I've got some things going on that will help there.

I just finished running a charity drive for the past 1.5 months for our team of about 100 folks at work. The third year I've done it and it was fairly successful in raising a large sum of money for a good cause. Everyone also had a great time doing it and on a selfish note it helped take my mind off things and helped make me feel like I was doing something good. Now we're kickstarting another one and I'm leading 35 guys at work in a Movember (no shave November) team for this month. Already starting to see the beard kick in and we'll have a multitude of happy hours and other random guy events throughout the month. a couple months ago I told myself I wasn't going to do the movember thing again this year. Thought about it a lot and realized it was bc I was worried what my W would think (she doesn't like it when I have facial hair). I also realized that I enjoyed it last year and I wouldn't let concern over my Ws feelings keep me from doing something I enjoyed. So bearded LT it is for the month of November and maybe December! It's amazing how much such small things can lift your spirits and push you forward!

CT, great advice and I'm starting to peel through situations in my brain to anticipate and practice. So many iterations, but I agree that it puts you in a better spot to respond, as opposed to flying by the seat of your pants. No different than other things in life. There is no substitute for practice in regards to being prepared.

Some quick journaling for an update:

A lot of fun with my D this week. Halloween was a blast, though my W took D out for 1.5hrs trick or treating w/ 2 other moms and 6 other girls. It's ok though, bc I got home early enough to see D in her costume and spend some time with her before they went out. I also got to spend a bunch of time with her after trick or treating before bed. A bit disappointed in W bc D and I usually would do at least double the time W did w/ her on Halloween. D and I always do costumes that complement each other. This year D was a ghostbuster so I dressed up like slimer from the movies. Last year she was indominus rex and I was the guy that got chased the whole movie. the year before that she was jaws and I was captain quint. It's a fun little tradition we have and I look forward to what she wants to do next year!

W sent me some texts this week about Christmas presents for D and we went back and forth planning that. Felt good to work on something w/ her again, but it didn't translate to how she acted at home. no surprise there.

D was home sick for tues/wed/thurs so I spent some time chatting w/ her via text during the day. she sent me some pictures she drew on her ipad which were awesome and I caught some pokemon as they showed up around the office and kept her in the loop. It was fun getting to talk to her during the day since that usually doesn't happen.

on the L front, I got an email from my Ls today w/ the final, barring a few tweaks, S agreement we put together. They also attached the S agreement my Ws Ls just sent over to them, but my W has not mentioned to me.

The gist of my Ws agreement is that I see my D every other weekend and that's it. We both have joint legal custody, but W has primary physical custody. I pay spousal support into perpetuity. W gets a slug of the existing assets. Ask for the world I guess. Anyways, it's been delivered to my Ls by her and I guess opens up negotiations. We have our own in pocket so I'm waiting to discuss w/ my Ls how to proceed now.

It was surreal reading through it. Almost like all my work to provide stability for my family was being unraveled in one simple document. A decent amount of typos, misspellings, and bad word choices too. Almost added insult to injury.

That said, it didn't weigh on me emotionally. I'm not sure how to describe the feeling. I feel prepared to address it though and I think that's giving me some comfort. I'll be curious to see if my W brings it up to me this weekend. who knows.

D and I go out tomorrow to a museum complex near here for some fun and pokemon hunting. That's after I do my run in the morning, which I haven't done since Monday bc of work. I'm really looking forward to both of those as I need them right now to loosen up and relax.

Will catch up with everyone else and get back to being active around here. I feel horrible for not having been here for ya'll this week, I just needed a bit of time away. I do appreciate everything from everybody on here!