Well, you may not 'invite' him to come closer, but you don't stop him either. Omission can be just as much of an invitation as actual encouragement. You aren't STOPPING him, so he moves in closer.
Anyway, right or wrong, you have found your courage to face your anxiety, and THAT is the big battle. Finding ways to comfort yourself and encourage yourself through the new channel is the trick.
You know, when my H and I finally got on our road to recovery, I went back to see my shrink about 3 months later in an all out panic. He asked me what was wrong, he thought things were going so well. And I said, well, they are. That's not my problem. The shrink was a bit confused, of course.
I said to him, 'how do I keep from f'king this up?' I mean, you put me in a sea in the midst of a typhoon and I can navigate those waters, NO PROBLEM. I am having one hell of a time sailing in calm waters. It's almost like I'd be willing to create a storm of my own just so I know what the hell to do!!"
Welcome, my dear, to the sea of smooth sailing.
And that is when he delivered his advice to me on battling the interior demons. Like I said, your feelings are coming at you from years and years of solid training. What you now have to do is move your focus from 'without' to a focus on 'within.'
You know intellectually that the path you are on currently is the one you need to take. Your emotions are screaming at you, NO, NO, DON'T GO THERE! RETREAT, RETREAT!!
You just have to rewire the circuitry. Go slowly with yourself. Acknowledge what you are feeling, but know that just because you are 'feeling' something does not mean you have to ACT upon it. All you can do is practice. Tell your H what you are feeling and experiencing, what you are tempted to do and what you really WANT to do. Give him a heads up, and proceed slowly.
Your willingness and determination to GET OVER it all is what will make you victorious. You are going to be fine. You are now aware, where before you were not. You have all you need to succeed. Trust yourself.
I've thought a lot about this, and the problem in our marriage wasn't one of me pulling close or letting him get close and then pushing him away. I know that's a cyclical pattern in some relationships but not in ours. Our biggest problem was that I never let him know or acted in any way as though I wanted or desired him and that I had such low expectations of marriage from the beginning that I never thought we'd have a good marriage.
When I was in high school and college, I used to listen to my friends talk about how much they loved their boyfriends and couldn't live without them. I simply couldn't comprehend what they were talking about. While they seemed to worry about finding somebody who would love them as much as they loved in return, I found myself wondering if there was something wrong with me that I didn't see any reason for all that angst and wondered why you'd want to love somebody so much that they could hurt you (nobody ever called me an incurable romantic).
I loved my single life after college as an Air Force officer. I had a good job, independence, respect, money to do as I pleased, lots of travel opportunities, and apartments I loved. There were plenty of great guys around to choose from, and I had a few serial monogamous relationships that usually ended when the guy would start talking about marriage. I wasn't interested in marriage; all the marriages I saw while growing up were miserably unhappy. Even after we married, my husband and I lived apart because we were stationed approx. 100 miles apart and were able to only spend weekends and holidays together. During the week, I could concentrate on my job as could he. Then, we'd get together on the weekends at my apartment or his house and have great sex (we often ended up on the floor in the front foyer Friday evening), but looking back, I see that he always initiated and I responded. Then, I got pregnant and left the military and moved in full-time with him expecting to go back to work after our first son was born; but I found that I didn't want to leave him and became a stay-at-home mom (major adjustment in thinking and goals for me).
Sex was still very good between my husband and me but was becoming much more infrequent. I was often tired and not always feeling good about myself. My husband would ask or try to initiate and I'd sometimes turn him down thinking that was normal (most of our married friends joked about how sex stopped after the wedding ceremony or after the birth of the first child). But, when we did have sex it was good even if I wasn't in the mood to begin with. A few years ago, things really improved sexually when the kids were all in school and my husband had a job where he could come home at lunch. It was great because we weren't tired like we usually were at night, and we didn't have to worry about kids knocking on the door or hearing us. Unfortunately, he has a new job now with a commute, and our lunch sessions are a thing of the past for now.
Both my husband and I grew up in chaotic families, and we both prefer calm and order. We are each other's best friend, we know each other's deep secrets and the things that we don't feel comfortable sharing with other family members.
As I've said, my epiphany came about when I realized that I had hurt my husband not only by saying "no" but probably more so by never trusting him enough to let him know I wanted him, that I really do love him. And, so, because I had such low expectations of marriage and, like the dog that's been abused as a puppy, was always expecting to be hurt again, I tried always to keep a "safe" distance between us albeit not intentionally or knowingly. It's just what felt comfortable or safe to me.
We've had a few doozies of fights over the years (mostly him yelling "WTF do you want from me? You won't let me make you happy. You won't tell me what you want, you only tell me what I do wrong." while I tell him that he's just like his father, who he admires in some ways but doesn't want to be like. Going back to the analogy of the dog that's been abused as a puppy, I think I was so hypervigilant against being hurt that I'd bite first if I felt threatened. My husband would react in pain, and I would go for the kill emotionally ("you're just like your father").
I've always thought that we had a bad marriage because that's what I expected, but now I recognize that we don't. I took Dr. Phil's Relationship Health Profile Test (link is on Tim's Postcards from the Edge thread) and scored a 5. According to Dr. Phil, our marriage is "well above the norm and may have isolated areas in which you can improve." Who'd a thunk it? BTW, the 5 statements were: 6. It's not easy to share my feelings. 13. My partner understands me (I marked false, but how could he understand me when I didn't understand me) 15. My partner doesn't like to share what's on his or her mind (I marked false, but according to the test, that's bad) 17. My relationship is what I always dreamed of (I marked false, but that's because I never dreamed of a relationship) 34. I'm no longer proud of my body (I'm a woman, I've given birth to 3 kids, need I say more? but my husband thinks I'm attractive)
I really need to thank Cemar (and HairDog, Tim, Jonathan, and the Daves) and wish I had some good advice to give. I'd read Cemar's posts about wanting his wife to desire him, to want him, and I'd think that if she simply made love with him, that should count as a gift of love (and it probably would have). But, I think I hear what he's saying. If my husband asked for sex, he was as likely to get it as not. But, my holding back from wanting him and not letting him know that I wanted him in every way as a man (sexually and otherwise) and not letting him know that I admired him left him feeling rejected by me and ultimately that I didn't love him or want him. Cemar, I don't know what to say; I don't want to give you false hope. But, I woke up last Saturday about 4 in the morning with an overwhelming feeling of wanting my husband in every way (and I'm not just talking about sex here). And, after we ML, I cried for 3 hours because I felt vulnerable (and very loved) but would rather feel that than to go back to feeling nothing or fear. The realization that I desired my husband wasn't something that just developed; it had been deeply buried under a lot of fear for many years.
Michelle (the abused dog who's creeping closer each day to the man who loves her and has proven he can be trusted and who she wants more than ever to make blissfully "dog happy")
Even if you're on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there. Will Rogers
To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly be broken. C. S. Lewis
CeMar first off, you have read SSM, there is a quote in the book that gets repeated often "if it is not working then don't keep trying the same things". You may have been sincerely trying to be more affectionate, and trying to be more desirable, but your focus seems to be only on the sex aspects of the marriage. That may be due to the lack of, but nonetheless, shift your focus.
You ask how Allies for partners may help your marriage, well like other books you will only get what you need out of the book. It just might give you some understanding of what your wife maybe going through from the effects of the child abuse. Now you might think that because she was never hit as a child, just neglected that this couldn't be the problem. Well if she was forced out of her childhood to take care of her brothers and sisters in a capacity that a parent should like you suggest. This has taken her childhood away from her and never let her live out her childhood.
When you say that she pulled the bait and switch routine when your child was born, this is her natural reaction to her childhood and what she has learned. We are a product of our parents and learn all or most of our life skills, morals, beliefs and how to love from what we were taught as children from our parents or guardians. Your wife may have been trying to tell you that but you are not hearing her. Yes, you might have taken the time to listen but you haven't heard her. Open up your mind, eyes, ears and heart… your wife might just surprise you.
As for the Rape or attempted Rape, only she knows what really happened, but stop second guessing her and listen to her, be supportive. She may have not dealt with these tragic incidents or is in denial. This is something that you will never have any control over, as she is the one that has to heal and want to heal. All you can do is be supportive. Don't tell her that this is something she has to do in order to save the marriage or you will drive her further away. I stress this is up to her.
You say that you really want that greater love and happiness in the marriage, then I challenge you to open up your mind and look deep into yourself. Start hearing what you have been saying, reflect on what other people have been saying and most importantly start hearing what your wife has been saying. Not only spoken words but also hearing her body language more.
I know that I have made mistakes in my marriage and I accept responsibility for them. I had always thought that I was somewhat open minded, but when I started to close my mouth more and open my ears and mind I began to see what my wife had been saying and I realized how close minded I really was. I had to read the book twice, as the first time I had no questions, but the second time I had all kinds of questions some of which I'm still trying to find answers for or a better understanding. The book is more geared to help you deal with the possible changes that you and your wife might be going through. If your wife has suffered like you say then I would strongly recommend giving it a chance and read it.
Hope that this will help digest what Cathy47 is saying in the other thread (if you value your kids, then value their dad)
Good luck!
Glenn
