Quote: Well, it takes two, and one of use just wanted to be roommates for the vast majotity of our marriage.
Was it like that before you got married, or was it a gradual decline? I knew my H had sexual issues before we married, but I thought it was a lack of confidence combined with guilt from his very-Christian mom because we were living together. Stupid me!
There was desire and modest passion in him before marriage. He was not comfy with intimacy before marriage, said that he would feel better about it after marriage. The bit of desire and passion that he did have plumeted after marriage.
I can remember before our 1st anniversary starting to ask what was wrong? No response other than silence.
I have done so many 180s I can't count. Each time he claims to want to work on the marriage. I have to admit, this time he is more thoughtfull ie: a few hugs here and there and a kiss good night and hello/bye (peck of a kiss) but that has been it. We are still in separate beds. And the really sad part is now I don't care if he changes or not, and even sadder, I would leave if I could afford to. I now have no desire for him. But I have desire, just not for him anymore
We are getting shafted twice. We have spouses that do not want sex OR affection. Michelle explains it in the SSM. Women that do nat want sex, ofetn avoid affection as well since they are so closely related. These are the absolute toughest case to fix. Dr. Laura even says that women like this are HOPELESS. I really hope she is wrong, but I have seen no examples on her to prove her otherwise.
CeMar, I have a theory that I'm clinging on to desperately. I believe that sex can build desire for affection and for more sex. I guess I'm lucky in that my W has come round to the idea (after many years) that ML is not that bad even though she has no desire for it. She has no excuse anymore - the children are older, we are financially OK, we have a nice house and cars etc. I am hoping that if I can get to once per week she may even quite look forward to it and maybe that can lead to enjoying affection and sex. Just a theory. SD
SuperDave, I think your theory has validity; and as I recall, Michele says something similar in her book. Last week, I had an epiphany or revelation in which I realized that I'd been blaming my husband for problems in our marriage but didn't see or want to accept responsibility for my own unkindness and unloving attitude and behaviors. Michele writes about a couple where the wife doesn't realize how hurt and rejected her husband feels when she turns him down for sex. That could have been me but with some other issues thrown in. Tomorrow I'm going to start a thread similar to your journal showing what's happening in my marriage now that I'm trying as hard as I can to meet my husband's needs, especially for sexual intimacy, and, as Cemar says, to really desire my husband (in other words, not to just go through the motions as though scratching an itch).
In just 4 days, the results are stunning to me (long intimate conversations, lots of affection from him, a couple dozen roses from him last night, a more relaxed and happier husband, and lots of soul searching and remorse on my part). We never had a problem with sexual hangups or physical problems; I simply thought I was too busy or tired or I was irritated at him. He'd been rejected so often (although I didn't see it as rejection) that he often didn't ask. When he did ask, the sex seemed to be very good; it just wasn't as often as he really wanted.
Anyway, I've been initiating every night for the last few nights (and offering and giving foot and back massages, too) and have apologized for rejecting him in the past (I feel like I could never apologize enough, and he tells me that it's water under the bridge and not to worry about it).
I love him and he's a very good, considerate, and skillful lover, but I've seen sex as me doing something for him. Until last night. I woke up late at night (actually early this morning) and wanted very much for him to want me.
And, I realized what Cemar's been talking about. It wasn't that I simply wanted him to have sex with me (although the sexual desire was definitely there and surprisingly strong). I needed him to want me. He woke up, asked me what I wanted, and I told him I wanted him. We made love, which was wonderful, but I laid there afterwards with tears running down my cheeks (I didn't want to keep him awake because I didn't even know why I was crying).
And, I finally realized after more than 20 years of marriage that what kept me from allowing myself to truly desire him through our marriage was that it made me feel vulnerable, that this went far beyond mere sex and involved trust and intimacy and emotional vulnerability.
And, I wonder how in the world he was able to tolerate his own feelings of being rejected and still love and stay married to me. I don't know if this will make any sense, and I'm still trying to figure out what's going on; plus I'm starting to feel a little anxious about being vulnerable. My biggest hurdle over the next few months will be to stay the course and not push him away as in the past when I start feeling too vulnerable.
But, to get back to your point, after only 4 nights of us making love and being more affectionate and loving with each other (and to his credit, his behavior has been very reinforcing and everything that I want deep down), my sexual desire for him has come back with a vengeance. Now, all I have to do (all I have to do?) is to keep from ruining things like before. And, this is going to have to be something I take responsibility for because I see now that I have the real problem with intimacy and trust, not him.
Even if you're on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there. Will Rogers
To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly be broken. C. S. Lewis
I just wanted to thank you for sharing this with us. I stopped reading this in the middle and started crying, it was very touching.
Quote: And, I finally realized after more than 20 years of marriage that what kept me from allowing myself to truly desire him through our marriage was that it made me feel vulnerable, that this went far beyond mere sex and involved trust and intimacy and emotional vulnerability.
Sex is very vulnerable, isn't it? And I suspect it is even more so for women than for men.
What makes sex vulnerable to a women? I have a feeling trhat my wife is similar. Trust and intimacy are also issues with her. Look at the poor guys, I guess we are vulnerable. If we try to initiate and get turned down, we have just received a crushing blow to our self respect. We ge turned down MOST of the time. So you LD women are DESTROYING your husbands one piece at a time. But if you women start initiating sex with your HD spouse, you will probably never be turned down. SO what is this VULNERABLE thing? I need to understand this so I can better understand my own wife.
And by the way, from what I have read, the more sex a women has, the more she will want even more sex. Women that have mastered the desire for sex have a far greater capacity for sex then even the most HD men out there. There are only so many orgasms that a man can have in a week, but there is no limit for women. Practice makes perfect for women.
