I find my self in complete agreement with CeMar that DESIRE is the Holy Grail of happiness and have been puzzling how to get there. I have started reading "His Needs, Her Needs" which is interesting because it is the first book I've read that I don't identify with and believe that most of us SSMers would not identify with it either. The book is based on the stereotypical assumption that men crave sex and women crave affection and that a man can get sex by giving affection and a woman can get affection by giving sex. OK that is probably true for the 80% (or whatever it is) of couples who fit the stereotype but one thing that is obvious from reading this forum is that we are all very similar and our Rs do not fit this stereotype at all. In our cases it is the HD (man or woman) that craves both the sex and the affection and the LD spouse craves neither. The book says to the man “Give more affection and get more sex” but if we give more affection it has the opposite effect on our LDWs. The book says to the woman “Give more sex and get more affection” but the more available she makes herself the less her LDH wants her. Understanding that our traditional (and instinctive) methods are not working we concentrate on LLs and do all manner of household chores, gift giving, quality conversation etc. none of which creates a feeling of desire in our spouses. The worry is that it is a genetic trait and there is nothing that can be done to restore, nurture and grow desire in a person that is genetically incapable of feeling it. SD
I think your confusion is coming from the way you define 'affection.' I'm willing to bet that the 'affection' you are thinking of is different than what the author is talking about.
Let me ask you. If you replaced the word 'affection' in that book with whatever Love Language you think your wife might be, would it make any more sense to you?
I wish I could Corri but as yet I don't know what if any LL she leans towards. I have a feeling it is probably "Great wealth" but that is a tough one to provide. SD
"Have sex for the sake of having sex. Any other reason, i.e. money, affection, presents, etc... is just plain stupid. Do it, and do it often!" Didn't it seem like that was the way it was when you were dating?? I would give my right arm if it could be that simple again.
Do you have the 5LL book? If not, go out and get it. Read it in private and see if you can figure out her LL. Then you can start trying things with her to see how she responds... and she won't worry about the psychobabble 'crap,' you know?
There could be something to the Quality Time, Quality Conversation, so start there. Be more empathetic. Really listen to what she says... when she is talking to you, look her in the eye, physcially lean toward her when she speaks, don't interrupt, but encourage her to expound more on her thoughts... compliment her on her perception of things, tell her you never thought of something that way, how interesting... affirm what she is saying, and try to build on it, kind of like Cemar did on the LD Space thread to my post... use kind and encouraging words with her, and stay away, for now, from anything that has to do with the 'physical,'... just see what happens.
It may not be THE thing for her, but if it is... then you know, hm?
Corri, I have the 5LL book and have tried them all. Of course my interpretation of them may be wrong. For example I do quite a lot of housework but I feel that is not really an act of service in a romantic sense like say cleaning her muddy boots without being asked. She gets annoyed if I mention "Love Tank" and any other psychobabble term so I have to tread carefully. She does respond to Quality Time and I enjoy conversing with her. We are best friends for sure but her desire for me is low but I have a feeling that things are getting better. We are having a lot more sex (every two weeks for the last two months instead of once every three months) which I managed to negotiate in the rather cold light of day but it is a start that I feel can be built on. Today is sex day but she is having her period and she would rather not but I'm sure she had a glint in her eye when she requested I not initiate anything tonight. I am quite happy overall although it is a bumpy ride. SD
I dunno. Sometimes I look at all you HD'ers who have been going through this for 10-15-20+ years and wondering if I should still get out while I have a fighting chance at a sex life with someone else.
Quote: No, do not ask for a platonic realtionship, it is hell..and I cannot do this any more, so we are getting a Divorce. He made the decision not to work on the marriage, I've tried for years, and nothing has worked. I deserve a man that love me like a woman and a wife, not as a roommate or a mother.
I'm so sorry it's ending in D for you. I completely understand how you've gotten to this point. What was your H's reaction when you told him you wanted a D? Did he really just not care at all - even at that point? It's so sad.
I moved out for about 2 months, moved back in due to holidays, son being home, yada, yada, yada. Absolutely no change in him except the wall went up higher and is thicker.
Talked to him about what he wanted to do. He does not and will not change, will not even consider therapy with someone trained in sexual dysfunctions (went to C for 3-4 sessions, C suggested specialist in sexual dysfunction, H stalled to make appointments since therapy was through his insurance.) "It's all just psychobabble anyway, " is a favorite saying of his.
Essentially to him, if mariage is so much work, why bother? His statement that he never, ever wanted to touch me again sent chills down my spine. Why? Because he never has any desire and, well, that's just fine with him. Thanks for thinking about me and my needs, you b@st@rd!!!
He wants a D because he does not want to find out or even explore his a-sexuality. He might find out somethings about himself that he cannot handle. Like there are some emotions in there? Think Spock. Very intelligent, witty, shy, but NO EMOTION. Never wants to touch or be touched.
I just can't do this anymore, and I know I have not pushed but I was not emotionally ready to file and move forward. Been going through some very serioud grieving fo rthe death of what little bit of a marriage I had, and trying not to blame myself for it. Well, it takes two, and one of use just wanted to be roommates for the vast majotity of our marriage. Yesterday was our 16th wedding anniversary and no acknowledgement.
Unless both people agree, a platonic marriage is utter hell..
I agree, a platonic marriage is hell. Not for the LD spouse, they like it that way! My H watches so much TV sometimes I just want to throw it out the window. I got home early today, about 3 hours before he did, and I had no desire to turn the boob tube on. As soon as he walked in the door, the remote got picked up and it was turned on. He will spend hours sitting in there watching Sci-fi or something else, but won't spend any time on anything else that doesn't suit him. I asked him to read SSM back in Janurary. I have seen it move to different places and the bookmark is about 1/4 of the way into the book, but now is under a bunch of stuff on the table.
I maintain that if the LD spouse doesn't want to work on the marriage, its not going to work. JMHO
