Thanks, HH... you're right.. it really DOES help knowing there are people right here who DO understand where I'm coming from, and aren't judging me or faulting me or telling me it's all in my head. There were WAY too many years when I felt TOTALLY alone...
Wow wow wow wow...HH, my W said to me a couple months ago "I'd like to get more intimate"...KABOOM. I was out of the ED and back to getting my nuts stepped on, rejected, and humiliated.
The similarities in our sitch is scary.
Anywhere is walking distance if you have the time
-Steven Wright
Everytime I read "ED" I'm initially thinking "erectile dysfunction." Wonder if there's any way we can differentiate between the abbreviations for emotional divorce and erectile dysfunction.
Hey Dave, I'm not tryin to pick on you...don't you hate when people start their messages like that, lol. BUT!!!!! Ah, you knew it was coming.. But, I understand that you have swept your old behaviors away that contributed to the demise, but what I was really asking is this: Do you think that you have successfully eliminated those old behaviors but perhaps substituted them with others?
I think that it is all too easy for us HD people to sit back and think, It is all 'their' problem and I am waiting for it to be fixed.
Well you know that this is not going to happen. And that's in regards to sex or finances or whatever the problem might be. Is it possible that your new "vigilance" on this topic is the NEW contributor? Or is it possible that there is something else?
All I'm saying is that there ARE things that I do to contribute to my own situation, even now, after all these years of trying to find a permanent resolution. I still haven't learned! UGH. But if I'm having a day where I want to bash H and just am reading into his every little action (and there's a lot to read and I suspect that I am right on, with most of my ASSumptions), then I also force myself to scrutinize my own behavior and sure enough there is ALWAYS something there that needs immediate attention.
That was my challenge to you. Is there something that you are currently contributing to the situation? Cause all you can really do is focus on yourself...focusing on Mrs. Dave is a dead-end road. You will be disappointed in what you see, or don't see. It is inevitable.
Oh and speaking of the emotional divorce, hey, I'm not sure I see anything terribly wrong with it. Maybe not a FULL divorce but this is a time of transition for both of you and there is no need to open yourself up so much that you are hurt by the lack of big strides (and only see baby steps) and therefore shut down even more than you would have. Just do whatever feels natural at that moment.
It's such a double-edged sword, isn't it? On the one hand I wish there was nobody else on the planet going through what I'm going through. On the other hand, I am SO relieved to have found you all. I think it's really helped me to post here rather than taking stuff out on H.
After another he-doesn't-get-it conversation with H before bedtime, I laid awake for 2 hours in the middle of the night last night and, in my groggy state, it was almost like I could FEEL myself trying to put my heart back in the ED box and part of me was saying "no, no, he'll change this time, he'll read the book, really he will" and the other part was saying "lock that heart back up and throw away the key, stay in this marriage for the kids and forget about having any passion". It was at that point I really, truly felt I was going insane. I came *this* close to waking up H and begging him to help me because I thought I was going to lose it.
Then, of course, I played "the conversation" over in my head again. What he would ask, what I would say, his response about me being obsessed with sex, him falling back asleep, me feeling even more crazy than if I'd just not woken him up, yadda yadda yadda, blah blah blah, my HD life and welcome to it.
If only our LD spouses knew of the hours we've spent in bed while they're asleep, wishing they would somehow magically wake up and want to ML to us right then and there. I think the worst part of the whole HD experience is the wishing and hoping.
DBR told me yesterday I needed to do a 180, but I couldn't last night.
- Heavyheart, who is feeling hopelessly in love with her husband, but hopeless about their marriage
Quote: Everytime I read "ED" I'm initially thinking "erectile dysfunction." Wonder if there's any way we can differentiate between the abbreviations for emotional divorce and erectile dysfunction.
I was kinda thinking that too. How 'bout EMD for "emotional divorce"? I'm fresh out of brilliant ideas today.
Yes!!!!! Too many hours awake pondering everything. I can't seem to put my heart on the line this time. I can't seem to find the strength to fight for my marriage as we have been through this before, and I find I do not desire him anymore
Its as if we are just comfortable living like roommates. Five years ago I would have given anything to have him want to make things better. I know I am as much to blame as he is for letting him pull everything away from me without a fight, but after the first 2 times I just could not put my heart on the line again. I don't know if I ever can. He has hugged me and given me little peck kisses, and I feel nothing but friendship. I know I should tell him all this, but I can't bring myself to hurt him that way.
I do know all the sleepless nights you have layed awake, I did that too for years. I hope things get better for you and H.
Thanks Annette. How long have you been married? I can definitely see myself getting to where you're at. That's one of the late night ponderings I was having last night. I was thinking about DBR's WAW and how she says she doesn't even desire him anymore, and WISHING I could just get to that point with my H. As much as I want a passionate/sexual marriage, I've often prayed that God would just take away my sex drive and let me live peacefully as roomies with my H. Things would definitely be easier if we were both LD.
I'm so sorry you have gone through the sleepless nights. It is hard, as an HD woman, to feel like there isn't something wrong with you because society says it should be the other way around.
HH, We have been married 21 years. We went through a period where everything was ok, I was busy with the dogs and my son, but still remember times where I literaly begged him to ML with me. I, too, have at times prayed for my libido to disappear. It doesn't seem so hard now that I really do not care if I ever ML with him or not, but want that with someone else. So sorry you have to go through all this too. I agree, its horrible to be the woman and be the HD spouse. I thought something was terribly wrong with me at first, but am so glad I found this website and the SSM book. I now know there are many more of us out there. Keep yer chin up.
I have had basically a platonic marriage for over 10 years and it is still hell, but of a very unfulfilled sort. You know that you won't be touched, held, kissed, carressed, and God Forbid, ML to, except with GREAT reluctance. This is not a marriage but a business realtionship and I and others like me deserve to have our marriage vows honored by our spouses. They won't so why should we?
I often ache so much that I am in pain, I burn for affection, or even acknowledgement that I am a woman. He won't go to counseling, his hormonal levels are just fine, so it is psychological with him.
You lose yourself in the doubt, the anger, the unfulfilled life that you know is within you but can never come out. If you even make the mearest hint of intimacy, not includung sex, the wall gets higher and thicker.
No, do not ask for a platonic realtionship, it is hell..and I cannot do this any more, so we are getting a Divorce. He made the decision not to work on the marriage, I've tried for years, and nothing has worked. I deserve a man that love me like a woman and a wife, not as a roommate or a mother.
