I wanted to add my bit about detachment. Just thought of it, so feel free to edit or polish :-) I think of the "act" of detaching much like dieting, in that it is a conundrum, and the more you focus on it, the worse it will be.
When people go on a diet to lose weight, the focus becomes on eating less, which in turn causes them to think MORE about food choices. Well, the more you think about food, the more likely you are to eat or crave it! Well if you are craving food, and then deprive yourself of it, this perpetuates a negative cycle. So if you eat said food, you will feel guilty for breaking the diet and feel worse about yourself. Overall, you either lose weight with a feeling of deprivation or you eat more and thus feel like a failure.
IMHO a better approach to dieting is to incorporate healthier food choices and a healthier lifestyle in general. The more you can add things in that make you feel good about yourself and your image, the more confidence you gain. I think most people agree that confidence leads to success. So instead of dieting by deprivation, it is better to make a list of things you can have and do.
Here is a list (totally pulling this out of my bum right now): 1. Unlimited vegetables and fruits; get creative with new choices 2. Drink a big glass of water before and after every meal 3. Preplan all meals and prep for the work week 3. Try a new dance class or something more bold 4. Take a hike somewhere beautiful at least 3 times a week or even stroll the neighborhood if less time 5. Sleep 6 - 8 hours a night 6. Only go out to eat twice a week 7. Sunday is cheat day 8. Join a support group around weight loss with fun meetups 9. Take kids to park and climb structures with them 10. Start walking to errands instead of driving 11. Start checking that step-tracker on your phone (it's on there) and compete with your friends!
Ok, ok, you get the point. Doesn't this sound better than just restricting yourself of calories? And then feeling down on yourself when you eat?
So how is this THAT different than detachment?
I think you will all have more personal success and feel better if your focus is not on the act of detaching, but rather on things that are good for YOU and in your control. Over time, if you keep at it, you WILL have success.
-Blu
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
I wanted to add my bit about detachment. Just thought of it, so feel free to edit or polish :-) I think of the "act" of detaching much like dieting, in that it is a conundrum, and the more you focus on it, the worse it will be.
When people go on a diet to lose weight, the focus becomes on eating less, which in turn causes them to think MORE about food choices. Well, the more you think about food, the more likely you are to eat or crave it! Well if you are craving food, and then deprive yourself of it, this perpetuates a negative cycle. So if you eat said food, you will feel guilty for breaking the diet and feel worse about yourself. Overall, you either lose weight with a feeling of deprivation or you eat more and thus feel like a failure.
IMHO a better approach to dieting is to incorporate healthier food choices and a healthier lifestyle in general. The more you can add things in that make you feel good about yourself and your image, the more confidence you gain. I think most people agree that confidence leads to success. So instead of dieting by deprivation, it is better to make a list of things you can have and do.
Here is a list (totally pulling this out of my bum right now): 1. Unlimited vegetables and fruits; get creative with new choices 2. Drink a big glass of water before and after every meal 3. Preplan all meals and prep for the work week 3. Try a new dance class or something more bold 4. Take a hike somewhere beautiful at least 3 times a week or even stroll the neighborhood if less time 5. Sleep 6 - 8 hours a night 6. Only go out to eat twice a week 7. Sunday is cheat day 8. Join a support group around weight loss with fun meetups 9. Take kids to park and climb structures with them 10. Start walking to errands instead of driving 11. Start checking that step-tracker on your phone (it's on there) and compete with your friends!
Ok, ok, you get the point. Doesn't this sound better than just restricting yourself of calories? And then feeling down on yourself when you eat?
So how is this THAT different than detachment?
I think you will all have more personal success and feel better if your focus is not on the act of detaching, but rather on things that are good for YOU and in your control. Over time, if you keep at it, you WILL have success.
-Blu
I agree.
There's two different things - the PROCESS and the RESULT.
In the long term, the process is a lot more meaningful than the result. Sometimes, you'll have a good process and get a bad result. It happens. That's like going all in on aces and losing to 5s because two 5s showed up on the flop. You can't control that. But if you go with the right process, over time, it will yield successful results more often than not.
So the focus should be on the steps to achieve detachment...not on the detachment itself.
My partner asked me the other day if I was tainted by the betrayal and loss from my first marriage. I was asked whether my views on love and relationships were "damaged" in some way by the way my marriage ended.
I thought it was a very interesting question and it took me a while to be able to find words that could even approach an explanation of my feelings.
My thoughts are like this: - in my previous marriage, I didnt really understand how love works. I didnt understand that every day, both my ex and I had the choice when we woke up of whether or not to be in love. Every day, I woke up, I was making a personal choice to be "in love" with that person I was sleeping next to. Wht I didnt realize was that my ex was making the same choice every day. And so I took that love for granted. As a given.
- By doing that, I learned bad habits. Lots of them. I equated it to getting an A without studying. If I take 7 tests and get A's without studying, whats my incentive to study for the 8th test? So, I stopped studying in my previous relationship. I stopped working on being a good partner, and as a result, my ex woke up one morning and didnt chose not to love me anymore.
- So, I said that my view on love isnt tainted. Im not any less "in" this relationship than I was in the other one. But Ive "learned my lesson" about what can happen when you take another persons' love for granted. Ive learned how relationships can fail. Ive become smarter in how I love.
So, no, I dont think that my abilities to trust or to love are broken or tainted. I choose instead to believe that they are enhanced in that I can administer those gifts onto someone else in a way that is healthy and sustainable.
My partner asked me the other day if I was tainted by the betrayal and loss from my first marriage. I was asked whether my views on love and relationships were "damaged" in some way by the way my marriage ended.
I thought it was a very interesting question and it took me a while to be able to find words that could even approach an explanation of my feelings.
My thoughts are like this: - in my previous marriage, I didnt really understand how love works. I didnt understand that every day, both my ex and I had the choice when we woke up of whether or not to be in love. Every day, I woke up, I was making a personal choice to be "in love" with that person I was sleeping next to. Wht I didnt realize was that my ex was making the same choice every day. And so I took that love for granted. As a given.
- By doing that, I learned bad habits. Lots of them. I equated it to getting an A without studying. If I take 7 tests and get A's without studying, whats my incentive to study for the 8th test? So, I stopped studying in my previous relationship. I stopped working on being a good partner, and as a result, my ex woke up one morning and didnt chose not to love me anymore.
- So, I said that my view on love isnt tainted. Im not any less "in" this relationship than I was in the other one. But Ive "learned my lesson" about what can happen when you take another persons' love for granted. Ive learned how relationships can fail. Ive become smarter in how I love.
So, no, I dont think that my abilities to trust or to love are broken or tainted. I choose instead to believe that they are enhanced in that I can administer those gifts onto someone else in a way that is healthy and sustainable.
There was a facebook post by a guy named Billy Flynn a few weeks back that went viral across the internet. My partner asked me my opinion of it.
As background, this is the gist of the post: This guy (maybe mid 30s?) has two young sons and has been divorced for a short time. I dont know all of the details of the breakup or their relationship; those werent posted. Anyway, he posted that he had gotten up early for his XW's birthday to take his boys to bring flowers and a gift and prepare breakfast for her in her house. When questioned, he replied that he was raising two men and he wants to set a good example for them in how they relate with women in the future.
My partner's opinion is that this is an incredibly thoughtful gesture. That these actions should be celebrated as model for how to teach young men to treat the women in their lives.
I said that I couldnt disagree with this more. In my opinion, the proper way to treat the mother of these children would have been to stay married to her. In my opinion, there are three scenarios:
1) She pushed for the divorce - in this case I feel that he is using his kids as a way to remain in her life. He's being a doormat and a pursuer and those arent traits he should be teaching his boys.
2) He pushed for the divorce - in this case, I feel bad for this woman. He wanted to be away from her so badly that he divorced her and yet he wont actually leave her alone. From the tone of his post, it doesnt sound like this is the case though.
3) They 'mutually' decided to divorce. I hate this the most. If they still have a relationship where she feels comfortable with him coming in to her home and cooking breakfast, then they never should have gotten divorced in the first place. Its an incredibly selfish act and teaches the children all the wrong things about relationships.
Overall, I felt it was a horrible message to send. In my opinion, there should be no such thing as an 'amicable' divorce when kids are involved. If there is enough good feelings to divorce amicably, then the people should be putting the effort in to repair the marriage. Its so frustrating to me how easy it is to get married and to get divorced and stories like this help reinforce that divorce is 'easy' and 'friendly' and 'good for everyone'. I found it disgusting.
Wonder if anyone else saw this and had any reaction to it?
There are a couple other scenarios that could make it ok (e.g., XW woke up late to the true nature of her sexuality but is otherwise totally amicable with XH, and he's accepted it), but generally speaking I'm exactly in your camp, darknes.
(Sometimes I think these are just made up things written by people who want to be able to say they penned something that "went viral", but if it is real, I'd bet real money it's your No. 1 at work).
Me: 46 W: 44 Married: 17 Together 21 D13; S10 BD: 03.03.15 (Not attracted to you) Almost 2 years trying, alone, to save marriage Status now: Divorced (effective 06.13.17)
