Yes, if your WH truly believes he couldn't keep his pants zipped because you were no fun during 9 months of pregnancy ... well, let's home that silly thought is something he'll disavow once he returns to reality.
Anyway, you seem to require that he feel true remorse in order for you to go forward with him. Is that really a requirement? Sandi seems to say wayward spouses take a loooong time to feel remorse; that they might even come back into the relationship but not feel remorse for a while.
Also, what do you (or he?) mean when you say he feels regret but not remorse. What's the difference? Not being argumentative. Would like to understand.
Wish you peace & sleep.
Me: 50, MLC/WW 45 Young kids Nov 2015: BD1 Apr 2016: BD2 Jan 2017: W filed Feb 2017: D final
People have different ways of saying sorry. Try reading when sorry isnt enough. It's the 5 languages of apology.
In a nutshell, the 5 languages are: 1. Expressing regret: I am sorry 2. Accepting responsibility: I was wrong 3. Making restitution: How can I make it right 4. Genuinely repenting: I want to change 5. Requesting forgiveness: Can you find it in your heart to
Which of the 5 would really speak to you? Is your H aware? (Not sure if right now is a good time to let him know. Prob when you go MC together?)
Which has your H spoken?
If I remember correctly, at different points of the pendulum swing, your H has expressed 1 and 2.
Personally, at the beginning of piecing, I feel that 3 is quite promising. 4 and 5 may come very much later.
You can call me Dory/ Grl.
As a wise fish once sang,"Just keep swimming!"
It's no use to go back to yesterday because I was a different person then.
ForGump makes a great point here. He might not fully express things the way you want him to. You need to prepare for that with you IC.
I re-read the infidelity chapter of DR last night this really resonates with what you are saying. It is also something I struggle with. Never any apology or explanation of what happened just all denied. I have seen the texts and tracked the meetings though.....anyway I digress. Try having a re-read.
The weight loss is stress and anxiety. You are going over and over things. The only way out of this is talking or writing your thoughts out. Your H might not be the best company for this at the moment. The other thing is getting really drunk, no only joking. Tried that, it never works. The other thing is exercise. I know you are super busy but as H is home could you get 20 mins a day? It will really help you - to sleep too.
I remember living separately together. It was at that stage where the spew was horrendous and relentless. You remember those days (I sense you days are slightly better than that now) anyway, every day I took that run. For weeks, months I don't know. It helped me burn off the cortisol. It helped me 'see' I was so, so messed up. Give something a try. Perhaps it you could set something up between Kids and H for their bonding time. It's not just you that needs to repair relationships they do too. It will give you a break.
Also, on the not sleeping thing. I totally get this. I ready something on line about boiled bananas. Or perhaps that just me I am bananas. I am going to try it as I am struggling and whilst the vino will get me to sleep the calories are a waste of time....
I'll let you know how I get on!
Take care Sara. Get as much rest as you can, have a long bath, go for a walk, run or even just walk with him and the kids and hold hands. It's tricky I know.
Surfer.
M46/W40/D8/S6/T20/M12/Separated 6/2016,W takes kids Issues2009 Wpartying w/g.f's2013on EA2013PAdeniedWleavesMBR ImeetAP/EAhalts VariousBDDates MFCourse WSpew EAresumes I halt Wrages DBIng4/2016
Anyway, you seem to require that he feel true remorse in order for you to go forward with him. Is that really a requirement?
Yes it is, because then I know he understands the gravity of what he has done and that he must fortify his boundaries so it never happens again.
Quote:
Also, what do you (or he?) mean when you say he feels regret but not remorse. What's the difference?
Regret is when someone feels guilty and filled with shame. They are horrified that they did something bad. It is a self-focused thing. Remorse is the understanding that your actions have affected another person and brought them great pain, it is the desire to rectify and seek forgiveness and restitution to alleviate the harm you caused that other person. It is not self focused but rather a recognition that you must attempt to right what was done wrong.
Dory, So far WH has said he was sorry but his actions do not bare that out. He appears to be embarrassed and ashamed of what he has done but unable to do anything to change imself or to attempt at making it right with me. He refuses IC, MC, speaking to an Imam (he cancelled the appointment) and really balks at anything I suggest to deal with this affair. He's stuck right now and his method of coping is to repress and then forget about it. I can't move forward with US if he does that, it means that he's learned nothing and will likely repeat his behaviors.
Surfer, I will likely start going to the gym and doing some running. The preschool my children attend has a gym, pool etc., I need to make a schedule and spend an hour a day (3 times a week) running on a treadmill. Hopefully this will create some healthy hormones to bring my mood up and help me work through some stuff. I also have scheduled IC for myself next Wednesday after work. I already gave a head's up to my WH and let him know I would be late that day.
I was up last night due to the baby and then phone calls (I was on call for admissions.) I am pretty tired today but WH came and took me out to lunch. It was nice and we both are glad we went. Tonight he went out and bought a desk and chair for his man cave (bonus room) and plans on starting a study regimen for his boards. I think I need to start doing that as well as board certification gets me a bump in pay. I made sure to be wearing an very classy/sexy dress when he came back from chopping and he immediately dropped everything and asked what our plans were for the night. I coyly responded, "Just hanging out, I guess." Usually WH would be fixated on constructing his desk and chair and spending his time away from us. (he gets really tunnel visioned when he gets something new) But instead he asked if we could watch something on tv and we watched a new series.
My LL is Quality Time and he knows it, it really surprised me to see him spending time doing something I enjoy even though I know he was itching to put that desk together. Step by step we may do this DBing thing.
M 10yrs T 13yrs BD #1Oct 2015-PA between WAH and COW BD #2 April 2016-WH resumed PA, she broke it off Jan 2 2017 WH says he wants divorce April '17-Letting go 2018 D busted DD8, DS6, DS3
I am loving your progress. Both of you. Your LL may be this but your achillies heel is fatigue also cortisol. Both are linked of course. Watch the man cave thing. Keep him out of that as much as possible by doing exactly what you did with dressing nicely. Chatting etc. It's acting as if I know right now. But it is working it seems. Focus on his LL too and remind him of what he was organising - when you are looking your best and have his attention remind him you are looking forward to it.
Then get it arranged. This could be the start of date night - don't forget date can be a chat on the sofa, in the kitchen et. But take it really slow. This is a new relationship don't forget.
Got to sleep.
Surfer.
M46/W40/D8/S6/T20/M12/Separated 6/2016,W takes kids Issues2009 Wpartying w/g.f's2013on EA2013PAdeniedWleavesMBR ImeetAP/EAhalts VariousBDDates MFCourse WSpew EAresumes I halt Wrages DBIng4/2016
Keep on keeping on, Sara. You have the gift of time and the gift of your H's physical presence. You have the grit, the resilience and the wisdom.
You know what it is you're fighting for. For your M, for your children, for your grandchildren. For future happy memories with your H and children. For not having to worry about who is going to sit where during your children's wedding. For not having to worry about the logistics and emotional dynamics of blended families.
It is not just love you're fighting for.
Please understand that I am not, and will never ask that you be a doormat, throw all boundaries to the wind, and sacrifice yourself in the fight.
Take care of yourself first. Arm yourself with the necessary physical, emotional and financial support. Be an improved version 2.0 of Sara. Keep on even keel. Don't get onto the wrecking ball.
And then you can fight for your M.
You can call me Dory/ Grl.
As a wise fish once sang,"Just keep swimming!"
It's no use to go back to yesterday because I was a different person then.
Thank you, Surfer and Dory. I find myself struggling with anger and resentment now that he is home. He still says wayward things, blaming me for looking outside the marriage, still controlling. Last night he asked me t look something up on my phone (he was driving) I started to look it up, he said use my phone, I started to use his phone, he said use Google maps, so I did that, and then he got angry because I wasn't doing it like he wanted me to.
I shut down and stopped talking after he took over. HE later asked if he offended me, I told him I felt he was being controlling. His response was I was doing it my way and not his way. I said, "When you ask someone to do you a favor then they can do it their way." He disagreed and said you should do favors the way someone wants you to, I said all that mattered was it was done.
Cue argument that ended in me going to our bedroom and slamming the door and putting the baby to sleep. I am struggling with this anger, this rage. Right now I feel that he should show some remorse, some insight that his way can sometimes be wrong. It really all comes back to the affair, I don't think he really regrets it or views it as a truly awful thing to do to your spouse. Now he is acting the exact same way before the affair, petty and criticizing every little thing I do.
Don't give he baby the toothbrush.
You're Googling wrong.
etc., etc.,
Sigh, I need some space today.
M 10yrs T 13yrs BD #1Oct 2015-PA between WAH and COW BD #2 April 2016-WH resumed PA, she broke it off Jan 2 2017 WH says he wants divorce April '17-Letting go 2018 D busted DD8, DS6, DS3
