Hi all, Journaling. Had DB session this week and IC, advice pretty darn similar: he's too much in his own spiral to work on much right now. So, back to not initiating, but will respond lightly to a text should there be one, and meetings and such should wait. Everything should wait while he goes through his depression. So, it's been 5 days of not hearing from him. I'm sad but immersing myself in extra work projects, ran 2 miles today, reaching out for holiday plans. Steeling myself for future hibernation (although, right now, I think it's like 85 out)
me 42 H 32 T 7yr M 6yr BD 5/2016 ILYBNILWY Separated 7/2016
Hi Altair, im sorry that things seemed to have stalled a bit wih your sitch. I can see that there are a few of us from Newcomers who had the BD around the same time where nothing seems to be improving very much.
It's good that DB coach and IC are on the same page. Maybe that's what your H needs, some alone time to face his demons and you need this time to regroup and think about you and your needs.
Wow, is it really that hot! I'm very jealous and agree that it's certainly not hibernating weather! Get out there and be the best, awesome, fun loving Altair again!
Me - 47 H - 45 D-16 M - 6 years Separated - May 16
Don't leave me behind can't you see me I'm shining... (Years & Years - 'Shine')
Hi Coly, Yeah, just because we were communicating I didn't think it was forward motion. I can sometimes sense the lack of respect, the resentment towards me even though he was being nice to me. DB coach wasn't surprised, helped me find the positives (not ready for MC doesn't mean NO MC, and even though there were divorce conversations he did say there's still a chance to work things out) and give him space...
me 42 H 32 T 7yr M 6yr BD 5/2016 ILYBNILWY Separated 7/2016
No I guess your right Altair re communication. I need to think that way to as well although any communication from H at the moment will be a bonus for me!
If he does ask you to meet up will you suggest it's not a good idea or say that you are doing something else?
Me - 47 H - 45 D-16 M - 6 years Separated - May 16
Don't leave me behind can't you see me I'm shining... (Years & Years - 'Shine')
Coly, excellent question. (I think to reiterate for anyone reading our stories i will say this) You and I don't know if there is an OW. not much evidence of such AND we didn't snoop plus now we can't. So much of DBing is for people with spouses in affairs-- we can't exactly relate- although people assume--and they might be right-- so are we doing the right thing is the question?
He hasn't initiated a meeting in over two weeks so, I have no idea if he would. He's pulled back again. It seems.
me 42 H 32 T 7yr M 6yr BD 5/2016 ILYBNILWY Separated 7/2016
That's true Altair, we don't know if there is ow involved but in a weird way I wish I knew because then there would be a reason why my H has dropped me like a hot potato. And also like you say at least we would know if we are doing the right thing in going dark and setting boundaries.
It will be a tough call if your H does want to see you. Personally in mho I would arrange to meet him if he asks but on my own terms ie date, time, place so it doesn't look like you are jumping at his invite.
Still nothing from my H and although Pinns's post gave me some hope I still feel that this might be the end if the road for me.... :0(
Me - 47 H - 45 D-16 M - 6 years Separated - May 16
Don't leave me behind can't you see me I'm shining... (Years & Years - 'Shine')
A MLC doesn't necessarily mean that there is OP involved w/your spouses. There are some who use work, drugs alcohol, sports, cars, technology, traveling, etc., as a crutch during MLC. My father used fishing and gardening as a way to heal his soul.
You are doing the right things if you are going NC and only contacting him if there is an emergency. If he contacts you, be civil and kind, but do not initiate relationship talks. NC is for you, just as boundaries are for you.
When your h is ready, he'll contact you. Have faith in yourself and what your marriage stood for pre-crisis. Trust the advice that we give you...it does work.
Yes, it is very difficult work and that's why you need to dig deeper for patience. The crisis didn't happen over night...it took years in the making and it will take a long time for your spouse to recover from it.
Let me ask you this (and I want you to think about it for a while)...what would you do if your h was in a coma and didn't know when he would wake up? What if he woke up and didn't remember who he was or was different personality wise? What would you do if your h suddenly died? The reason that I'm asking these questions is to help you think outside the box.
The old h is gone. The h you see now is the mirror image of the old h (opposite). Just as your old marriage is dead. When the time comes and you reconcile, a new relationship will begin and both of you will have changed quite a bit. You can't go back to the way things were because of all the changes that you both have made. If you do, your relationship may not survive. The relationship will be a work in progress each and every day.
Yes. There's no going back to that relationship, for so many reasons. i believe his IC right now is getting intense, going into his childhood. He's never had counseling about it-- and he never really spoke about it. This was long overdue, and I'm really happy he is getting IC and wrestling with his demons. At first, I wanted to be there for him through this, support him, but that's not how it worked out.
me 42 H 32 T 7yr M 6yr BD 5/2016 ILYBNILWY Separated 7/2016
