Hey HaWho, thanks for explaining what the “Russian send off” was, LOL. I didn’t even notice it in Bttrfly’s post. For some who speaks Russian, hehe…
I’ve been reading all you posts and I really have nothing to add here, as far as an advice. You are a trooper… for handling all of this for so long… It sounds very exhausting… Sometimes I am wondering if you would be better off if he moved out like he said he wanted to do… But, then I remember that it would put a huge financial hardship on your family… At the end, you’ve got to decide what is better for you. And I will support you in whatever you will choose to do.
I hope there is less madness this week and you will need to cook less, since he would not eat your meals anyway, LOL. Hang in there, HaWho.
M:50 H:52 S28 (my S from previous marriage) M:17 + 3 BD: 06/12 S: 06/12 - H works in another state
Hi Huddy, Mleigh, Esame and Bright - nice to hear from you all.
After a crazy few days, the weekend ended peacefully. That might have something to do with the fact that I was an hour away from h! S13 had a tournament on Sunday and I went alone with him. I pulled out of the driveway on two wheels! I did not realize how much of a break I needed.
While at the tournament I sent h a few pics of S13 and sent him a few updates on how he was doing. And h texted a few times asking how S13 was doing. I cracked one joke that old h would have pounced on and laughed about. But MLC h is a lively as a potato. I don't think he even got the joke. Oh well, MLCers have zero sense of humor.
I had a great day.
When I returned home, I came in cheerfully and asked how everyone's day was. H was at the table with S11. As soon as h answered he dashed off to the dorm room not to be seen again the whole night. Loud music soon followed. (And this morning it was blaring at 8AM. He's a real cool teenager!!!)
The distance was so good for me. In fact, I decided one day very soon I will take a road trip during the day, by myself, to recharge my battery.
While away, as nutty as my life has become, in hindsight I am glad when certain crossroads came up, that I made the decisions I made. I am so thankful that I did not agree to anything that dishonors me.
In a few weeks I will be two years post BD (just threw some confetti onto myself). Picture me spitting it out of my mouth and that about sums it up. LOL!
Thank you SO much to everyone here. Special thanks to Job, who has earned her front row seat in heaven by helping me!!!
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
The beginning of this is the hardest, I promise. I read everything I could find on MLC. And even now, I often re-read old info and new things click for me. That helped me tremendously. All the people here helped me a LOT, too. Job, especially. It helped so much to talk to people who believed in this thing.
I haven't told a single friend about this. I live in a tight knit community and am by nature a private person. (Although that'll surprise you because I post SO much here. I'll tell you why in the next paragraph.). Plus, it is my kids' father and I don't want it getting out to my kids' friends.
Because I have a live-in MLCer, one of the ways I have tried to give back is to post a lot for those coming behind me and for those who are here with MLC spouses who have just vanished. I think little is known about true MLC in the real world. Maybe my posts will help others or those coming behind me?
Why do I think he's still here? I can't know for sure. I have theories. His dad walked out on him as a kid and I do think somewhere deeeep down he knows he'll totally screw his relationship with his kids if he does leave. He has never forgiven his dad. Also, maybe because I took ALL pressure off him? I could see he was nuts and I didn't want him doing too much with my kids in the early days. He lived like a guy who rented a room from me. No lie. Lastly, I believe he stayed to recreate his childhood home to grow up again. Weird, I know but I see proof of it ALL the time. If he ever wakes up, I will ask him to explain as much of this as he can when he is ready.
What keeps me going? My marital vows. I knew there would be "bad times" but gosh, I never expected THIS. Also, I went through my own depression (but it was lollipops and unicorns compared to MLC) and my h stood by me. I do remember how he treated me. He was kind but aloof, gave me space, tried to help in constructive ways (but I had no idea I was depressed). My depression and what led to it humbled me to my knees. I truly realized bad things can happen to good people.
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
Do you ever question if things would be better if you were free to find someone else. Not that I want someone else. But i wonder in this one life, shouldn't we have the courage to find someone who loves us and supports us fully?
I love my husband, and I would do anything to keep him and our marraige. But sometimes I wonder if I am nuts to stay in this nightmare.
Well, I am free to find someone else and so are you. (We're lucky this way as still in some countries in this world women have very few liberties. I can't even imagine not being able to drive a car or leave the house without a male!!)
As for having someone who loves me and supports me fully? I think my h had shown himself to be that. He did stand by me in my depression and that must have been hard. (Although if we are keeping a score card, let me just pencil in that what I am doing with his depression is waaayyy harder. LOL!)
I've known him for almost 20 years now. As hard as the last few years have been, ultimately, it's still just a blip in our time together. He slipped into anger/denial around 2012. The last 2 years of his crisis were particularly hard and painful. (The first two years of his crisis were just very confusing and stressful.) So for 2 years out of 20, it's been bad. That's pretty good!
The way I look at it, it's kind of like looking at the lines in a tree trunk. You can see a tree has lived hundreds of years and that 10 of them were made difficult due to drought. But the tree lives on and grows taller.
Does this mean I'll still be here 5 or 8 years from now? Who knows?!? I have learned to let that kind of thinking go. I think about time in much smaller chunks now.
Personally, even if my h filed right now, I wouldn't change my life too much. I would not date and I would not introduce my kids to anyone. I think that would really confuse my kids. It would take them years and years to heal. I guess I could date secretly in years to come but that's not fair to the person I would be seeing.
The question of courage is an interesting one. It also takes tremendous courage to stand by someone as he falls apart, without letting it destroy you or your kids.
We're all here to support you no matter what. Before you do anything though, just slow down and read a lot about MLC and the impact of divorce on kids so that you make a decision from a place of knowledge and not a rash decision. I know impacts of divorce is what motivated MWD to write DB and DR.
I am not trying to push you one way or the other. As I said this is a supportive group. But I am saying you don't need to make a decision today or tomorrow and you really should not make a decision with reading a lot first. This way, you can have a clear conscience with whatever decision you do make.
Let me know if you have any other questions!
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
Thanks Hawho. I appreciate your insight. In all honesty I am not close to leaving him. But I just keep asking myself "why not"? Because I love him. "Why" . He is verbally and phsyically abusive. For my kids? Yes. He is a good dad to them, but what kind of role model am I? I have lived with him 16 years, married 10. Even when times were good, he was very selfish. But I thought I was a good wife putting his needs ahead of mine. Now I just feel like I was a door mat and allowing myself to be more of a door mat.
I am trying to be introspective. Signed up today for a Brene' Brown class. Guess I lost myself along the way. I will find what I can change for me.
Let me jump over to your thread and we'll carry this conversation on over there.
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
Just popping in to give you all an update on the laptop situation. Remember h lost his and then accused us of stealing it? Recently, h asked me if the kids and I use our laptop. He said if not, he would take it over rather than buying a new one to replace the missing one. I told him that we do in fact use it and I advised (very politely) that he buy his own. Guess he never found his.
Otherwise, after the text spewing he gave me last week, he is being PA with meals again. He is back to not eating anything I cook and most times now makes an excuse not to join us for dinner at all. Then he goes and sits in the stinky dorm room instead. H still spends way more time in his room than S13 does. But the gap is closing...
Last night the landline finally rang! S11 answered. It was h calling to talk to S11. Guess h wants to remind s about the usefulness of his gift.
Kids have games this weekend. H has been back to ignoring me and all parents at these events, just like he did in the spring. He puts his headphones in (like in the spring) and only watches when his own kids are playing. I know friends notice the oddness of it all and I am so thankful people are too polite to ask me about it.
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
