Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Spent my night bawling my eyes out in IC. I think I used all her tissues. I let some of that deep stuff out. Most of it revolves around betrayal. I won't get in the details, but she looked at me and sincerely said she thinks I am quite amazing and I should never give up my hopes. It meant a lot.
Why things have happened in my life the way they have, I don't know. But I just have to keep rolling with the punches. Who I am right now is fine. Is better than fine. Is a great person.
I am so sorry that you spent the night bawling...but your IC is correct. You are amazing and you continue to grow each and every time an obstacle gets in your way. Ginger, you are stronger than you think and you've been such an inspiration here. I've enjoyed watching you grow and your postings have helped so many on the forums.
The old saying "things happen for a reason"...that is so true. Keep moving forward because you know what? You are right where you need to be at this time. Yes, my friend, you are a great person...don't ever doubt that again! No one is perfect...after all if we were, we would be bored to death w/nothing to learn.
Enjoy your day!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Job, your encouragement means a lot to me. I'm needing it right now. I was speaking to a friend from the boards and I was questioning what I have to contribute and he pointed it out to me. I'm one of the very few who didn't go on, marry, have a new long term R and start over. I have real true scars from the D and A that have healed, but are gashed open anymore. But they are scars nonetheless. I've been raising my D alone practically from birth. What I have to give is my experience in survival. The reality of it all. I'm proof even though at times I am sad and lonely, that it could be done on my own. I'm real about my how certain things feel, because lets face it, there are a lot of ups and downs throughout the years after D. But we all make it through. And come out on the other side better, not bitter.
I just have to keep believing everything happens for a reason. I don't know what the reason is yet, but I'm pretty to excited to find out.
The cry was good and I guess it was needed. My eyes are a puffy mess, but that's ok. Tomorrow I have a half day and I'm getting a massage before I take D9 for her yearly physical (praying there are no shots) then going to a friend's house for dinner. Tonight, I have another cleaning service coming in to give an estimate. I need the help. I'm on a school break, and I ended my class with just about a 100%. Good things, mostly. I'm looking forward to making my recipe of the week tonight (it's my new thing).
As someone close to me once said, I'm going forward, never straight.
I hired a cleaning service yesterday. praise the lord. What a nice guy. The last one tried to charge me $120 for every 2 weeks, and $135 for once a month. This guy told me $90 for every month and he feels I do not need anymore than that. He said my house was in pretty good shape. I was shocked to hear that. The other service didn't even supply cleaning supplies, this one supplies everything, and will get the ring out my toilets which is the bane of my existence. Every little bit counts.
I re-read my post yesterday, and I just wanted to say if I came across as me being single for so long made it harder for me, well, that's not the case. I have so much admiration for those who make it work with a new partner after going through all the crap. It's a whole new learning curve, often blending of families, and I have so much respect for all the effort it takes. I haven't done a very good job of it, and all of those who have impress me and I hope to learn from them, should my real chance come one day. They are truly the brave ones in my book!
Took D9 for her yearly check up this year and there is no flu mist this year, so she had to get the shot and she freaked the F out. She's been going to the same pediatrician since she was born. Very very nice woman. She always does ask me as a part of her exam if her father is regularly in her life. I do, of course, answer yes.
On the way home we were talking about marriage and divorce. She asked why her dad and I didn't last forever. I had a hard time explaining that one to her without incriminating him or making marriage sound like it's something we throw away when it isn't perfect. She goes on to tell me that in her dresser drawer, her dad has a picture in there of the two of us. (as in me and her dad). I was a little taken aback, as I have all of our pictures. He even gave back the picture I gave him of us as his "paper" anniversary gift for our 1st anniversary. As far as I've been concerned, "we" completely vanished in his mind and heart. We never even existed in the first place to him. I was his trial run. I've been fine with and accepted that. But I won't lie. It felt kind of nice that he seemed to acknowledge the existence of our R and M at some point.
I'm betting you'd be surprised what he really thinks deep down. perhaps the fact he has a picture of the two of you gives you a bit of a clue. I actually still have the last family picture of ex and the kids hanging in the house. It's not in an all too prominent spot but it's there. It was taken during a cruise we went on several months before she dropped the bomb - our last family vacation. If the kids were not in it I would take it down. These are my step kids mind you. See unlike many of you, because we have no kids together I have not seen nor spoken to her in many years now. It's very odd in many ways how we could spend many years seeing each other every day and now not at all. Surreal almost. For the longest time she struggled to go a few days without seeing me (while we were dating) and now she made an effort to distance herself. That didn't happen for three or four years post D. She then had the opportunity to distance and took it. I don't miss her at all mind you and rarely think of her. I just mis what I thought I had.
Anyhow, the reason I say all of that is I'm certain exW would be surprised at what my real thoughts are and you would be. Too with your ex. I'm certain of it.
DonH Midwest Me 56 WAW-EXW 55 Met 11/95 / Married 5/00 Bomb 6/20/05 / She Filed on 6/2/06 / Divorced on 10/9/06 4 who'd qualify as GF since D & dated about 25 women since D
