"but I was just mad that they're no longer going to work for the reason I bought them."
What do you mean by that? You bought them to save your M right? Pretty pessimistic for a guy who just started. That's the fear talking. Get over it.
It took over 3 years for things to START getting good between my W and I. First thing to do is get rid of your fear. Patience is key.
Yes I bought them to save my marriage. But the way she's acting, and things she's said make me think she will never come around.
Yes, I am just starting out with this stuff. Of course I'm pessimistic. Honestly, I don't think she ever loved me. I think she was with me because she needed me around. For the first several years we were together, I was the sole provider. Now she has a job making way more than I do, and she's realized she doesn't need me anymore so magically she doesn't love me anymore and kicked me out. So, honestly, pessimism and negativity are all that's in my head right now.
Its good to see that you have slowed down. Next step is to STOP all together. I've been there, I know how hard it is - you feel that its the only remaining connection to her. But she is right, it is an invasion of her privacy. You're not going to see anything positive and it'll consume you.
I was (still am) co-dependent also, and I understand your pain. Everything, you're whole life revolved around your W - reach out to your friends and family and try and gain a better sense of who you are.
Try not to hit the bottle - numbing the pain will only mask it. You need to try and process it and work through the issues. You have to live the rest of your life as you and you need to learn to be ok with who you are.
"its time to move on", "time will heal everything", yes I agree, comments that don't really help at the moment. But they are sentiments that are said by people who care. Think about it, what COULD they say that would be positive?... People don't know what to say to you, they want to make things better, but no-one has a crystal ball and no-one knows how this will pan out (even you).
Keep your chin up and continue to concentrate on your kids, then when you feel you can, edge more into working on you (b/c the kids will pick up on your low mood). Little by little my friend.
Keep your head held high and deal with one day at a time.
I do plan on stopping the checking of things. One thing I cannot stop is the reading of her emails. She sent an email to my son's teacher, saying that i purposely didn't give him his adhd medicine just because I knew it would make her nights harder. I have to keep checking the emails, because I want to make sure she doesn't say more lies that could prevent me from seeing my children. As far as the phone bill goes, I will try not to look anymore at that.
Yeah, everything revolved around her in my life. It's so hard, but I am reaching out to friends and trying to find a sense of who I am again.
I don't drink because I don't like myself. I'm a confident guy. I drink because of what she did to me, and because it stops me from obsessing about it.
I'm not upset with people saying those things. I know they care about me, and I know they see how badly I'm hurting and want to help. It just [censored] hearing those things all the time.
My kids have always been my number 1 focus. And they will continue to be.
I've been trying to take my mind off things. It's just hard. My mind is active all the time. Last night, I was having a great dream, and then I found myself in the state of not asleep but not awake, still having the great dream, but now with a narration monologue about everything I was thinking about throughout the day. So I can't even escape it with sleep anymore.
Yeah, the dreams thing [censored]. Ive been divorced for a while, separated even longer, and I still occasionally have dreams about my ex.
Originally Posted By: WntHope
I want to find something that makes me happy. Unfortunately, the only thing I've found is the bottom of a bottle. Drinking numbs me, and allows me to stop thinking, so I've been drinking a lot more lately. But hey, at least I'm enjoying my surroundings and time with my friends when I'm inebriated.
I would advise to knock this off. Going through the rest of your life numb from the alcohol isnt great for you. It can also negatively impact the custody discussions. Consider if your W never comes back. How do you want to live your life?
I guess my question/point is that time itself wont heal you. Only you can do that.So what are you going to do?
I wasn't finished with that last post, and I don't see an edit option.
But about her perspective, I know she sees me as crazy. I know she thinks I'm stalking her. I know she thinks I invaded her privacy. But I had a reason to, obviously. I honestly don't care if I made her feel bad because of it. She told me it's my fault because I went through the cell phone bill and found out. Sorry that I ruined your attempt to hide your affair.
I was more referring to this: "I'm obsessive, paranoid, distraught, destroyed."
These arent typically traits you want in a partner. If they describe you, then why would she want to come back? So how can you change these behaviors and personality traits?
I've been trying to take my mind off things. It's just hard. My mind is active all the time. Last night, I was having a great dream, and then I found myself in the state of not asleep but not awake, still having the great dream, but now with a narration monologue about everything I was thinking about throughout the day. So I can't even escape it with sleep anymore.
Yeah, the dreams thing [censored]. Ive been divorced for a while, separated even longer, and I still occasionally have dreams about my ex.
Originally Posted By: WntHope
I want to find something that makes me happy. Unfortunately, the only thing I've found is the bottom of a bottle. Drinking numbs me, and allows me to stop thinking, so I've been drinking a lot more lately. But hey, at least I'm enjoying my surroundings and time with my friends when I'm inebriated.
I would advise to knock this off. Going through the rest of your life numb from the alcohol isnt great for you. It can also negatively impact the custody discussions. Consider if your W never comes back. How do you want to live your life?
I guess my question/point is that time itself wont heal you. Only you can do that.So what are you going to do?
I'm hoping the dreams stop with time.
I never had planned on drinking all the time for the rest of my life. I used to drink before this, I'm just drinking a bit more often now, but that will pass as well.
[quote=darknesI was more referring to this: "I'm obsessive, paranoid, distraught, destroyed."
These arent typically traits you want in a partner. If they describe you, then why would she want to come back? So how can you change these behaviors and personality traits? [/quote]
That's fair. You're right. I wouldn't want to be with someone obsessive, paranoid, and destroyed either. I understand. I've been working on letting go. I don't check the phone records anymore. I don't constantly wonder what she's doing or who she's with or anything.
wnthope, not super healthy to be drinking so much.
can't lie, I drink more often too. Most of the time I go to the bar after work, just to have something to do. Have a drink or two. Talk to random people (so not like me)
I do think the dreams will stop with time. time is our biggest friend. and patience.
The one thing that has made me mad today, more than anything else so far, is last night, this guy she's "in love with" spent the afternoon with her and my kids. They played, took them to the park, ate dinner with them, the whole nine yards.
She agreed yesterday to not bring him around the kids. But yet, I had to find this out from my son (no, I did not ask him. After I woke him up, he said "Mom's new friend is cool" so that's how I found out)
She said she's also already planning a future with him...
I'm just so angry. All the time. She's happy, and with someone new, and everything is going great for her, and I'm over here seething with rage over everything she's been doing.
