The Phantom Cyclist - Journey Leg 3

[AndrewP]

Andrew, are you exploring the abuse question in counseling?

Because if you were abused, then I don't want to do anything to encourage you to get back together with your wife.

Domineering is one thing. I think that often the dominated person can change the situation by changing himself or herself.

Abuse is different.

Rose888 - Thanks for writing. Whether I was an abused husband or not is a difficult question that I will indeed talk to my IC about because that will impact any future relationships I may have.

Perhaps I was self-abusing? She certainly was controlling and dominant but not domineering if that makes sense. I was trying to explore this a bit because certainly the way that I had to check in / out with her and that she controlled pretty much everything sounded like the acts of the dominant partner in an abusive situation. I didn't "feel" abused. Most of the time I felt loved although often taken for granted and sometimes taken advantage of. Her control over me increased dramatically when her A started which is when I really started to question it. At that time she not only made even more sure she knew where I was for each moment of the day but she also took over our banking saying she was "helping me" by removing an errand that I actually enjoyed (I thanked her and didn't make an issue of it). Previously she would question me in some detail about any female friend or acquaintance I might mention and after the A started she was even more aggressive on that. I still remember clearly explaining that a new Facebook friend was in fact a 72 year old woman with whom I shared a common love of cats and knew from work.

I'm not sure how to explore this in the written word. I know that one very good friend I have had for decades who is the only one that I've talked to about my marriage to that amount felt that I was abused and highly controlled.

Where I think I was trying to go with my post though was that as a generally passive person who was always eager to please and dependent on my W for feelings of self-worth in my marriage I need to find tools to be better able to stand on my own two feet. Outside of my marriage, in "the real world" I do fine and have a lot (W thought too much) confidence in myself. With my W - I was and still am jelly.

Does that make sense?

[AndrewP]

Ok - I'm going to be good this time and ask for advice before doing anything.

Presuming that W doesn't stop by the house and pick up her recipe book and the related boxes today should I dig it out and arrange to have it sent to her? I pretty much assume that she won't come into the house easily. I actually think she's afraid to. I know the cameras have always freaked her out especially if they record sound. She was always bothered by my dash-cam for example.

Pro - I'm a nice guy.
Con - I'm a doormat.

[dream]

If I were her, I would make every effort to get my stuff out of there today while you are at work. If that's not possible, I'd figure out a time that I could get it, while you're gone. She had no problems moving her stuff out previously, why would the cameras stop her now??

I don't think you should say anything to her about this. She can reach out to you if she would like to make arrangements or something. Don't send the book to her. She is a grown woman who can get it herself. Stop bending over backwards for her.

[Sotto]

Yes, I would agree. She's a grown woman and if she wants to come and get stuff, she'll do that. I don't see any particular need to help in that regard. Certainly don't obstruct - but otherwise I would leave it and her alone.

Do you think you may be looking for excuses to be in touch - perhaps to try and show her she has made a mistake? I don't really think it works that way and things do need to run their course. Your time will be much better spent focusing on you and moving forwards..I know you're doing your best to do this and it isn't easy.

[AndrewP]

Thanks dream / Sotto for your comments and kind words.

I'm away from home for about 13 hours a day 4 days / week. W lives in the next village over (I think) and is across the street from the house at least twice a week. She usually works from 6:30 am to about 2:00 pm and has days off mid-week when I'm away. She has lots of room in her car for stuff. She also still has her keys and knows where the spare keys are hidden. Opportunity has never been lacking for her for all these months.

We did have a text exchange after she and her brother "gutted" the place and then said that she had more to take out. I told her that we needed to agree before she went back in on when she could access and what she could take. Other than the next day when I suggested that she take the toaster and toaster waffles (I don't eat that sort of junk) she's never returned. I honestly did expect her to be in and out of the house quite a bit - another thing I've been wrong on. There are still some family heirlooms from her family that were overlooked the first time plus a bunch of every-day things that she presumably is feeling the lack of.

It's things like this that make me feel that she's really suffering in some ways and is confused / depressed. More than one person has suggested that she's acting like a spoiled, entitled teenager rather than a rational grown woman based on my descriptions of her actions. Mind you, she's trained me to jump every time she said "frog" for almost 30 years so my lack of immediate obedience is probably confusing her.

I also posed this question to the SIL army. SIL2 used a bunch of exclamation marks on her - ahem - much shorter answer that said the same thing.

Do you think you may be looking for excuses to be in touch - perhaps to try and show her she has made a mistake? I don't really think it works that way and things do need to run their course. Your time will be much better spent focusing on you and moving forwards..I know you're doing your best to do this and it isn't easy.

Can I refuse to answer this without advice from counsel

The consensus seems to be this far to leave her alone. My last message to her was (I think) pretty clear that it was up to her to get whatever she wanted and where it likely was so I don't need to add a "refusal" message.

The next hurdle on this will be next month when she wants her snow tires which are in an outside shed and presumably her warm winter stuff which is in the front hall closet.

[MoveFrwd]

Mind you, she's trained me to jump every time she said "frog" for almost 30 years so my lack of immediate obedience is probably confusing her.

I wonder if it isnt more confusing to you to break this kind of habit.

[dream]

Perhaps when she said she would like the cookbook, she didn't mean that she wants it NOW, but that she wants it and she doesn't want YOU to keep it for yourself. So basically, take whatever recipes you want out for yourself and leave the book for her to get whenever she decides to get the rest of her stuff.

I don't see anything that suggests she is suffering or confused/depressed.

Anyway, I agree. Let it be. If she contacts you about the winter stuff, we can talk about that then!

[Sotto]

Hi Andrew, yes I would agree - don't worry about the winter tyres. If she wants or needs something, she already knows that she will need to get in touch and arrange that. Until or unless she does, do try to put it out of your mind.

I would say, it's best to shift from initiator to responder role. So, there's no need to initiate anything with her and put all your energies into rebuilding after her departure. If you need to respond to anything, you can always post for advice first. This is a work in progress and I know it is hard to shift your attention from her - but it can be done with time and persistence.

Do you have any nice plans this weekend?

[AndrewP]

I got back from my IC appointment a short while ago and had a nice fresh scone for my lunch from the bake-shop around the corner. The owner is very sympathetic and we chatted a bit. She's a really nice lady and quite kind.

Originally I was thinking of posting a fresh summary of my sitch but my session was so good and I have a lot to process and examine first inside myself. Sadly this is probably my second last one that I am eligible for with this particular therapist (referral by my doctor). I'll have to decide if I will chance finding someone else who is as good.

darknes - my IC and I talked a fair bit about my codependency which is what I think you are referring to. Sort of a "well you recognize the issue so work on it" kind of conversation. I very much have a bunch of unhealthy patterns that need to be broken in any future relationship be they with W or not.

dream - Buried waaay back in my bicycle tour are some conversations with vets where they indicated that based on what I said that W is very likely in the midst of a MLC. Key components that they looked for were depression and confusion which W certainly had leading up to her leaving. I don't have any direct knowledge but wouldn't be surprised if she functions fairly well most of the time. One of the things that helps me keep standing is telling myself that she's "not well" and I do see signs of confusion and depression in her interactions with our children and what I see on Facebook.

Sotto - I'm an unreformed planner type. I always try to look ahead at what might happen and being more than a bit of the "fix it" type wonder what may be coming that I'll need to deal with. The key thing here is that these are all things that I shouldn't be dealing with. I'm actually rather pleased with myself with my response about the cookbook - other than the inserted R talk for which I continue to hang my head in shame. Dropping that topic where I left it is the best tactic. I hope for myself that by recognizing what bumps might be in the road that I can wheel my bike around them. We'll see how well I do - I'm certainly not a pro at this My plan at this point is that if she contacts me again about anything that she left behind I'll respond reminding her that she still has her keys and is welcome to come pick whatever up whenever she likes including if she asks again about the recipe books. Sort of the "not my monkeys" thing.
This weekend may well be quiet. I'm working from home today because of my IC appointment and defrosted a mystery lump of meat for dinner. It turned out to be 2 quarter chickens. I need to figure out what to do with them. I reached out to D24 who is an excellent cook for ideas. Perhaps slow roasted with a Marsala and sherry sauce. The rest of the weekend should be quiet. Laundry, groceries (including my fresh roses and a visit with the lady who sells them), ironing etc. I've reached out to SIL2 about visting her, my brother and my infant nephew on the weekend as well. I'm also hoping the weather holds and if it does to go for a hike in one of the many forested areas around me. How about yourself?

[AndrewP]

Sorry for the long post - feeling a bit bad at the moment. Nothing of consequence here - just needing to write. It's rather rambling and disorganized as a number of my posts tend to be. In some ways I envy other travelers who can post briefly about their sitch, get helpful actionable advice and move on. That doesn't seem to be my fate.

Buggerit. I was looking for an old picture of W and I to remember the good times in a backup while I was also looking for a movie to watch tonight. I saw some "memes" that she was saving in January that pretty much nail down to the day when she fell for OM. It hurts but it didn't shatter me. I had originally thought it had happened in February but no, it happened just around New Years when she was making such a big point at a party (which confused me at the time) of how faithful she was.

There was also a catalogue for spices that was left in our house mailbox for W. I'm figuring on not bothering to contact her about it. If she wants it she can see it in our bookshelf - not that she's likely to darken the door of the house any time soon.

I've had conversations recently including today with my IC where the word "fair" and "deserves" were used. As in people telling me this isn't fair to me and isn't what I deserve. Well - fair is a 4 letter word and people don't get what they deserve. You get what you get and have to deal with it.

I know that job who is a wonderful big-hearted person writes that this is all in God's hands. For someone like me who is rather agnostic but tries hard to respect other's beliefs I can appreciate that sentiment. This is also in my own hands and in W's hands. I honestly don't know what to do or where to turn right now which is why I was thinking of writing a situation summary. Yes - I want my W to come home and for us to be a family again. I'd be willing to accept a D too if that is what she wants because it would give me closure of a fashion. In the last while I've been feeling more and more lost and directionless. The fuel that I had to feed the fire of standing as Jack_3_Beans recommended to me is running low.

dream who is another person who I greatly admire wrote today that she doesn't see how W is confused and depressed. Well - I'm sitting here right now all alone except for 2 cats weeping in a big house that used to be a home so I at least am confused and depressed.
There is no way to know for sure where W is or how she is feeling but we can reasonably assume that she spends a lot of time alone in her apartment which is who knows where. 7 months ago and even perhaps 3 months ago she thought she had a new life ahead of her with OM and that she could split from her old life. She imagined that she would continue to have a good relationship with her children and even with me (I think). She also probably thought that she could forever keep that she had an affair secret and preserve her reputation in the community. Her children as far as I am aware have not heard from her in months. The wide group of friends that she used to have has shrunk dramatically and (according to what I see in Facebook) seems to have now come down to one fire-starter friend and people she knows through her that she previously didn't like. And OM? No clue but he seems to be remarkable by his absence in her public life. Funny thing, in many cases that I read about women at W's stage of life starting an A it is with a younger, more dynamic man than what they had. OM is 10 years older and from the limited knowledge I have of him is that he is even more boring than I am with narrow interests in a local sports team and perhaps golf. For those who may be interested, he lost his wife to cancer not too long ago, has three grown sons and several grandchildren as well as being a respected member of the business community in the small city he lives in an hour away from here. There is no way for me to know why they've not publicly hooked up or why W hasn't moved in with him. There must presumably be some barriers to this happening at this point. I'd like to think that W is having second thoughts but can't know. This may also go along with W not filing for divorce and leaving so much of her possessions behind. Even before she left, starting towards the start of June they seemed to be spending little time together and really only getting together once a week or so then and only for a couple of hours at a time. W would leave me a note that she was "out to dinner with a friend".

So - yes - I feel sorry for W even if she did bring this catastrophe on to us pretty much on her own. Since my love for her is so strong I know that I can forgive all of this, perhaps even if she doesn't come back. Is it all crashing down around her? Is it all crashing around him? Them? Speculation while a former entertainment of mine isn't something that I have a lot of energy for these days. It also doesn't make a d@mned bit of difference to my own circumstance.

And yes - I saw a number of photos that W had taken of us together in 2015 which is what I was looking for where we were very much in love with each other. I did feel good because the 50+ lbs that I've lost are certainly very noticeable and even though I think I looked pretty good then, I look better now. I also now am helped to remember that love we had for each other. I still don't understand what happened to her that took her down the path that led to OM. He had been chasing after her having lunch, drinks and being a kind sympathetic person for several months before she fell for him. Looking back and knowing that while I do like myself that I am a flawed individual who generally tries to do his best there still is nothing that I can point to that I could have done different that would have had W not take the path that she did. Some readers may dispute this but it is what I believe. Believing this helps me not self-flagellate and try to heal, grow and yes, move on.

If you did read this, thank you. If you have other, constructive ideas about what to do with the spice catalogue, even if they are ideas a la Doodler (who I don't think visits my threads here) I'd be interested in hearing them.

Time for me to figure out what to make with the quarter chickens that I have I suppose. I have a nice bottle of Cabernet Sauvignon to go with it and am thinking of watching The Wizard of Oz, singing loudly along with the songs which our family would usually do when we were all together. Perhaps the cats will join in tonight. It was looking for my digital copy of that movie that led me to the backups. W took pretty much all the great classic movies with her when she left ignoring which ones were my own favourites and that I had hunted down. I chose to not make a fuss. I just need to figure out how to play the digital copy which is on now my phone on the Apple TV box.

Peace be with you all.