The Phantom Cyclist - Journey Leg 3

[CT1118]

If you wish to reach out to me outside of this place I can open a window to a room where I can be found.

....

In absolutes, know that I am the snake not far from the plane wreck.

[AndrewP]

Coly23 / HaWho / 2Lady and of course CT1118 - thank you for visiting and your supportive comments.

In the last couple of days I've gained in strength I think. I've been able to deal with some things in recent days that would have caused me great problems even a month ago. I was in my corporate office yesterday which I haven't visited for months. A number of the people in the "C-suite" are people I've known for years as they've moved through the organization and we've maintained a work appropriate friendship. My own role is one step on the ladder below them. They all are very worried about me I think. The person I report to was very concerned about my health and pestered me quite a bit especially since there was a fire drill that required me to go down 13 flights of stairs. He also pestered me a bit about my eating and general health. I was able to deflect most of his questions and assure him that my physical health was pretty good but that it was an issue with appetite. In the afternoon another person from that level stopped by my office for a visit. Regular pleasantries were exchanged and despite my efforts to deflect the conversation she started asking about my family. First D24, then S22, then about W. She was concerned but understanding when I said that "it's complicated" and "I'd rather not talk about it" and changed the subject. It was a bit awkward because after some other small talk she just sat there I think burning to ask more and I ended up suggesting that there were some things I needed to take care of and she went back to her own office. I made sure to stop by when I left and do the usual goodbye I would do for her.

So - the executive team knows now that I'm physically fine but having marital problems. Fortunately this is a very "humane" company to work for and I expect no fall-out. I suppose I could have lied and made up some sort of story about how W was doing fine but I just can't bring myself to lie.

Unsurprisingly no news of any substance from W. Her Facebook feed continues quiet but with a decrease in activity and a bump up in the "I'm depressed and confused" posts. She hasn't checked my Snapchat feed for a few days and is missing out on lots of pictures of the cats which I send to S22 (they're his cats) and D24 (who loves cats) and my story so they can look at them again if they wish. The SIL army has been active in the last week or so sending me messages of support. I wish they could be a bit more practical in some of their support by offering me a cuppa and such but they are all pretty busy with their own lives.

Time to get out of my PJs now I think, put on my sparkle and get my errands done. The lady who runs the bake-shop has been sick for the last couple of weeks but is now back and I can get my fresh scone for my lunch today again finally. The weather is fair and I can hang my laundry out to dry and I have the new night-stands for the MBR from Ikea to assemble. It will be nice to have a pair of them again - it looked so odd with the big empty space on the other side of the bed where W's nightstand used to be.

PS - CT1118 - thanks but I think that my spirit is now back in my body and doesn't need to fly free. The rose is doing the best she can without her glass cover I think. She does have 4 thorns.

[AndrewP]

Hi - my name is AndrewP and I am a lousy DBer.

Actually I think I'm not doing too bad. Additional confession time. In addition to the text begging and pleading with W to come back that I admitted to earlier (dead silence) I did reach out to her for some other things that were not R related at all in the same few days.
- I sent her a Facebook Messenger message asking if she had a copy of a recipe I wanted - immediate response that she would look but I had also contacted D24 and she found it easily. Responded to W with a "thanks - got it". I was surprised at the quick polite turnaround.
- W has a very unique vehicle. I saw another of the same year, make, model, colour in a local parking lot. Sent W and the kids a SnapChat picture. W opened it within minutes. No response expected or received. She always talked about how unique her car was and was always happy to see one similar. Seeing one that was nearly an exact match I hope brightened her day.
- Sent W an email asking her to make a charitable donation to a cause both of us believe in and that she volunteers to that has just started their campaign. I referenced "family money" and how I had always relied on her in the past to take care of these things (which is true). I also used the word Please. 3 days later a polite but brief message saying that she would take care of it. No mention of "our money" being used or if I'll see the tax receipt. I'm glad that this cause is being supported though. I honestly expected no response at all although I did hope for the response I got. A bit warmer one would have been nice but wasn't expected.

Since then I've gone quiet again. I realized early this morning why W possibly hasn't been lurking on my SnapChat stories. I accidentally had the person I had "not" wanted to see the stories (a friend of S22) be the only one who could. Switches were set backwards - no harm done though. I snapped a picture this morning of the MBR including the new bedside tables with a comment about the new furniture generically aimed towards anyone. W saw it within a couple of hours so she's still stalking me there. I need to continue to be careful about what I post. Rightly or wrongly I look at this as a chance to let W know that everything at home is fine, that I haven't found someone new and that I'm doing reasonably OK on my own. It's up to her if she looks, I'm not pushing it on her. She actually has to go out of her way to look in fact.

So - while I've gone dark again except for those bits that W seeks out I'm wondering if I should perhaps reach out to her every week or so about something generic. There are actually lots of things I would like her advice on that I've been trying to figure out for myself. From the evidence of her Facebook feed her social circle has shrunk but she's still taking notice of the sports team that OM is keen on and she didn't care about before so I presume that OM is still in the picture. Plan A is to resume the complete quiet and let her see me getting along relatively OK via SnapChat, Facebook and when she drives by the house.

In other related news I have all the forms filled out to change the beneficiary on my insurance and pensions. I'll be sending them in tomorrow. I talked to both S22 and D24 about what I'm doing and why and they agree. I told them that I wasn't going to go out of my way to let W know but that if she asked them that it OK to tell her whatever she wants to know. I will have no secrets from her but that doesn't mean that she needs as frequent and detailed of updates as what I write here. My will should be done in the next week or so and there might be a question from W about the L bill. Or perhaps not. I'm waffling about putting into our books as "L fees" and be mysterious or putting it in as "L Fees - will and power of attorney". I'm figuring on the second - again being open, honest and transparent. If she wants to see the contents of those documents though I'm planning on starting with a gentle refusal. I put her asking for that at an incredibly low chance anyway.

On my drive home last night I had a great 2 hour Skype call with D24 (hands free of course). She's doing pretty well and settling into her new home. We talked about all sort of things but a bit to my surprise we did talk about my situation and W a bit. I had somewhat expected her to tell me that I was crossing a boundary and I would have stopped. I didn't press but the indication that I've gotten is that she's not heard anything from W since July when W called her to tell her she's moved out. I can't say as I'm too shocked. D24 also mentioned that after she had a problem with her SnapChat account and set up a new one and re-added W that she never got added by W. Which means that possibly the only reason W checks SnapChat is to watch me. Even pre BD W always expected to be the one to be called and when she left she said she was leaving to escape the "noise" implying that she didn't want to be contacted by anybody. D24 is also going to go over all the other documents related to the estate and my living will etc and make sure that she understands what my wishes are and will make suggestions to make things clear. So much easier to do this while still alive. My eldest brother got slightly snippy at me for planning all this out because he doesn't see the purpose behind it (no kids - plans to live forever) but I and S22/D24 I think feel better knowing that everything is neatly organized.

On the AndrewP possibly doing something stupid or possibly not world but trying to have a life area I had a very nice chat with the lady at the flower shop last Saturday. We're now on a first name basis. Being as I in some ways want to generate a bit of interest I don't wear my wedding ring when I go in to that shop and haven't for a few weeks. In a funny way she's stopped wearing the fake sort of ring that some women do and started wearing more realistic ones - possibly real. In any conversation there's no mention of her having a significant other - he's conspicuous by his absence in fact. There's not difference in the conversation despite the ambiguity about marital status which is nice. I'm not necessarily on the hunt and she's a really nice person who I'm starting to like. Regardless of what happens in the future she may become a friend.

Anyhoodles - that's about it for now. Probably keep with the fairly sparse updates unless something happens which is pretty darned unlikely. I think my situation is getting ready to hibernate over the winter.

Thanks for reading everyone!

[MoveFrwd]

A few thoughts:

While we were out I asked him what his thoughts were on me dating.

So what are your thoughts on dating?

I hope you know that you can walk right back into our home and my arms any time.

If you dont want to be treated as Plan B, why are you still allowing yourself to act as Plan B?

I am working on finding the pride and confidence I had in myself again which was one of the better fuels in knowing that I am W's "ONE best choice". Perhaps I'll spend some time this weekend looking at old photo albums and remembering. Any other ideas that don't involve me getting arrested looking in W's window would be welcome

Yes. GAL The sh!t out of life. Thats how you can gain confidence!

For the rest of the world I feel that I have to put on a bit of an act which is tough when you are hurting inside so badly.

Saw this as well the other day and thought Id ask.

What act, exactly, are you putting on? Just that W is maybe with OM? I imagine by now most know shes moved out, right? Sorry for being hard-headed, but Im interested to hear again your take on this.

[AndrewP]

darnkes - Thanks for the visit and the insightful questions.

So what are your thoughts on dating?

I'm definitely not ready right now. Presuming that W doesn't come back by March/April I may be by then. Reality does happen though and while I'm not open to it at the present things might happen.

If you dont want to be treated as Plan B, why are you still allowing yourself to act as Plan B?

Always a difficult thing for me on those rare times when I'm communicating with W - twice since she's left that I've mentioned our R at all. I'd probably be better off chugging down some STFU. To be frank I'm afraid of making it look like the path home is too hard and by overcompensating on that am perhaps making it look too easy. She's still not seeming to take any steps on it though. I might dispute (and also be wrong) that I'm acting as a Plan B. The only way that I would accept W back is that if she decided for herself that I am her ONE BEST CHOICE and that she was willing along with me to do the hard work necessary. It's much too early to be communicating that to her in any way shape or form though I think. I have to wait for the squirrel to come out of the tunnel before I can try to teach it any tricks

Yes. GAL The sh!t out of life. Thats how you can gain confidence!

Each to their own on that. I'm working on loving the man I see in the mirror which is what works for me. He gets out and about and does his own thing more and more as time goes by. I believe that it was you that wrote the accurate insight that I've gone from waiting by the door to sitting in the next room reading a book. I'm almost to the stage where I'm out and about doing my own thing and she has to find me. Not quite there yet.

For the rest of the world I feel that I have to put on a bit of an act which is tough when you are hurting inside so badly.

Saw this as well the other day and thought Id ask.

What act, exactly, are you putting on? Just that W is maybe with OM? I imagine by now most know shes moved out, right? Sorry for being hard-headed, but Im interested to hear again your take on this.

It's a graduated scale.

- I have maybe 6 or 7 people who are very dear friends and / or close family members who know everything and I can talk openly about everything with them.

- S22/D24 know about everything except the A and OM (I believe). I can talk openly to them about pretty much everything except anything to do with the A / OM.

- There are about 3 people in the village plus the lady I buy my flowers from that I've talked to about W leaving to whom I can talk about my "adventures in housekeeping" as I call it. To go back to your first question the lady at the flower shop is a potential dating candidate but she knows this is new hurt for me even after 8 months and I'm slowly getting to know her as a friend. You can't blame a man for thinking fondly about a tall blonde lady with bright blue eyes and a charming shy smile who is also kind but also rather reserved around me.

- I would guess that about 25% of the people in my village know and if we are passing the time of the day I say nothing unless they do the concerned version "how are you" to which I usually answer "One day at a time". That number may be higher if you count people who have heard rumours but don't have facts. W herself is keeping things "very" quiet as far as I know.

- People that W has talked to about leaving have been (in some cases literally) crossing the street to avoid me so there's little or no conversation there. They do still see me wearing my wedding ring, not dating and taking care of our home and grounds.

- For the rest of the world including social media I am married, don't mention anything about W - including to close mutual friends. I wear my wedding ring, don't talk about my personal life and avoid any conversations that might go anywhere towards my marital status. The greater bulk of the people I interact with daily have no clue that anything is amiss and I intend to keep it that way both because it is a very private matter and to also not cause stress for W. I've told W that it's her story to tell and not mine. Things I used to talk about regularly about how great W is and what she's accomplished, the great care she takes of me or the fun we've had together have completely dropped out of my conversations and anything I post on social media. In some ways I'm dreading Christmas because a lot of S22's friends usually just stop in for a visit whether he's here or not and I'll have to explain that W isn't living here anymore and that they need to keep it quiet.

On the other side of this, if I were more open about W leaving and the fact that it was for her own reasons and that to the best of my knowledge that I did nothing that caused her grief or wanting to leave then I would get more support and sympathy from friends, neighbours and acquaintances. I'd also get people trying to set me up with their sisters and cause noise and grief for W along with people prying for details out of genuine concern and general nosiness. Working from the assumption that she is having a MLC and is suffering from confusion and depression, according to the advice I've gotten here and from what she's asked for, and from what I feel in my own heart the best thing I can do for her is to leave her to quietly complete her own journey for as long as I'm able to keep standing.

Even though I'm an introvert I - like D24 am a very "public" person and not a shy quiet person at all. We just don't like crowds. W on the other hand although an extrovert who likes being around groups of people but is an extremely private person. So out of respect for her privacy as well I'm keeping the lid on things.

[Ginger1]

If you dont want to be treated as Plan B, why are you still allowing yourself to act as Plan B?

Always a difficult thing for me on those rare times when I'm communicating with W - twice since she's left that I've mentioned our R at all. I'd probably be better off chugging down some STFU. To be frank I'm afraid of making it look like the path home is too hard and by overcompensating on that am perhaps making it look too easy. She's still not seeming to take any steps on it though. I might dispute (and also be wrong) that I'm acting as a Plan B. The only way that I would accept W back is that if she decided for herself that I am her ONE BEST CHOICE and that she was willing along with me to do the hard work necessary. It's much too early to be communicating that to her in any way shape or form though I think. I have to wait for the squirrel to come out of the tunnel before I can try to teach it any tricks

I for one know how hard it is to STFU. I told my ex everything on my mind. Mostly because it was years of pent up anger towards him. Anyways, it really is the best approach.

In on breath you say "know you can come back home into my arms at anytime"

Well you dispute being plan B by saying you would only take her back if you are "her one best choice" and committed to making the marriage work. Well, that's not "anytime" so it's better off not saying anything as that is pretty contradictory.

Like I said, being silent is hard regarding the R is very hard. But it's a must right now.

[AndrewP]

Well - this was unexpected.

About a week ago when I was in a chatty mood after multiple months of silence I reached out to W looking for a recipe. She said she'd look for it, I got it from D24 and sent W a "don't bother but thanks" note.

First keep in mind that W is what another forum calls a "vanisher". After she left she never reached out to me for any reason and never came back into our home even though she passes right by it regularly. Possibly the new security cameras have her spooked(?) Even before she left there was practically no contact to me from her after BD2 when she'd written me out of her life (mind reading!).

This morning as I was getting ready for work I got a Messenger note from W. For context here's the conversation edited for brevity. Also keep in mind that W and her brother semi-randomly stripped the house when she moved out including most of the cookbooks.

And yes - before you comment - perhaps I should have avoided the "R" mention but I thought it appropriate in this context.

W - I don't have the cookbook with the [comfort food] recipe. It is in [blah blah blah]. I thought I had brought it, but I would like it, please. Once you find the recipe

AP - K. I'll have a look maybe this weekend. I can scan and email it to you if you like.

W - I would like the cook book.

AP - You have a key. This is your home. I put many of the cookbooks and stuff into boxes in the front porch. Or you could just come back and we could be a family again.

AP - BTW - I don't know if you check my Google calendar but I am working from home Friday.

<crickets>

So - did the squirrel pop it's head out? Will she actually come into the house and get her crap that has been obviously boxed up for months? What the heck was she thinking that I would do? That I would go through the cookbooks for this particular recipe and deliver that one book to her where-ever she is living? (She never told me where she is) all the while keeping and preserving her stuff as a shrine to her past presence? I did say that I would treat it with care and respect but I did also ask her for boxes (which she never delivered).

I think I handled this OK but there are often opinions. This is the first time in over 3 months that she's shown any interest in what she left behind. This follows my poking into her squirrel tunnel last week which I thought that my well intentioned begging had her bedded down in for the winter. I don't think she's noticed me updating my will - the cheque hasn't cleared the bank but she might have seen a reference in our books.

The intention of my response was to point out to her that she can get her own stuff whenever she likes and that I'm not going through it at her whim mining out whatever she might be interested in that day enabling her living in her hidey hole. It was also to point out that I have not blocked her out of the house at all but that I have packed up a bunch of her stuff for her to remove.

She's working today until about 2:00 and will have about 5 hours before I get home to go in and out of the house at will. I told her that I would be home tomorrow in case she thought of coming in then but didn't want to encounter me.

If she does come into the house she'll quite possibly be rather surprised at it. It certainly is a lot cleaner and tidier now (doubt she'll notice that). A lot of the clutter and stuff that she left behind is now in the front porch boxes and other than the pictures on the wall and a bit of decorating that is rather feminine it's pretty obviously a house of a single guy who expects to be single except possibly in the MBR which now again has the furniture in it for two.

Will she come to the house? My money is on no. Is she waking up from the fog? No clue. I did make sure that all the cameras were working and recording before I left including the one in the office that is pointed at the filing cabinet.

One thing that I'm really proud of is that the bulk of my reaction to this exchange is meh. I may sound excited and bewildered here but it's a small portion of the emotions I am feeling. Even a month ago I would have been stressed beyond belief and my mind would have been racing with all sort of scenarios, speculation and mind-reading. Today my biggest feeling is a bit of hope that she'll actually pick up the stuff I've boxed up plus her winter coats from the front hall. It's only about 1 load for her car.

We'll see what the squirrel does - if it does any tricks I'll update here but again - I'm figuring she's gone back into her tunnel when I didn't fall over myself to satisfy her whim.

job often mentions that the MLCer will expect the world they left behind to stand still. Perhaps W will see that I haven't.

[Ginger1]

Lets use the squirrel analogy. The squirrel pops its head out.

We try not to scare the squirrel back into the hole.

What line in your interaction do you think made that squirrel go back into the hole and not want to come back out right now?

I'm glad it didn't make you spin. That's a great improvement.

But you've got to stop dropping those "come home and be a family" bombs. Away goes the squirrel.........

[Ginger1]

A little story.

I am a nurse and I worked closely with respiratory therapy in the ICU. I became good friends with one of the RT's. He had a crush on me. He was truly the nicest guy in the world, and treated me the way a woman is supposed to be treated. I wasn't attracted to him in that way, and we met right before my H left. I was a married pregnant woman when he started.

I would feel so uncomfortable and guilty when he dropped the dating hints and I would back away because I didn't know how to handle the situation. This squirrel would go back into her hole.

She's not feeling it right now so those constant reminders are making her uncomfortable and wanting to retreat. She just wants a cookbook right now. Everything you said MINUS that line was great. That line most likely caused her discomfort and people are going to go where they aren't comfortable.

[Rose888]

Yes. It seems like the DB response would have been, "I think I'll have time to look for it this weekend. I'll let you know if I find it."