all the information that comes out in the beginning of separation is going to be hard. try to stay busy and not think about it (I know it's incredibly hard)
((hugs))
Thanks. You're right. It's ridiculously hard. I don't know why she's doing this. She has lied to me constantly, saying she didn't want to be alone, and she wasn't pursuing anything with anyone, but then today I find this out...
I get that (the checking). You know its wrong and deep down you know that you're not going to find anything that you want to see. I did some of the same and saw only half a story and then over analysed everything and ended up at a conclusion that was so far off the mark! Try and stop doing this, this is what I mean by being kind to your self.
Focusing on the kids is the best thing you can do (try and take a positive that you still have access to them - there are some that have to fight to get what we have).
Concentrating on yourself is very difficult. I have massive guilt and regret issues. I was also so codependent on my W. Its difficult, but do try. Ensure you eat and try and sleep as best you can.
Take advise from friends and family with a pinch of salt - they will want to help you (b/c they care), but unless they've been through this, they won't know how you feel.
Post here - even just to get things off your chest.
Chin-up and keep on trying.
I'm definitely focusing on my kids, I love them more than life.
As for the checking of things, I have definitely slowed down. I used to check every hour or two, but now I check like once a day, so I know it's slowly going to get to the point where I don't check at all anymore.
I was 100% co-dependent on my wife. She was my world. She was my best friend, the person I told all my secrets to, the person I went to when I was upset or angry or lost or anything. It's SO hard not to talk to her all day every day.
My friends are hit and miss with their advice. Some are super angry at her and are telling me I should just go find someone else like she did. Some are sympathetic, but don't get it because they've never experienced it. I keep hearing "with time it will get better" and "just move on, she's not worth it". It's not helping, and it's getting annoying, but every time someone who knows sees me, they ask about it. So I can't just shut them out and risk losing them too.
I have been focusing on the kids, but I can't focus on myself because, frankly, I just don't care about myself right now. It's going to take time for that. Theres no time like the present. Stop making excuses and starting doing things that will: - bring back your confidence - take your mind off of what WW is/might be doing - help you to meet new people and do new things Do not wait on this. Its far too important.
I overanalyze everything. I never used to, but these last 2 months have changed me. I'm obsessive, paranoid, distraught, destroyed. I'm doing things I KNOW I should absolutely not be doing (reading her emails, checking the phone bill logs for texts and calls, etc. etc.) but I can't stop doing them because then my brain goes nuts. Think about this from WW's perspective. Why would she want to be with someone thats those things? You need to take the time to re-find who you are as a man. Now, at least, you know, and you dont have to keep checking those logs.
I've been trying to take my mind off things. It's just hard. My mind is active all the time. Last night, I was having a great dream, and then I found myself in the state of not asleep but not awake, still having the great dream, but now with a narration monologue about everything I was thinking about throughout the day. So I can't even escape it with sleep anymore.
I want to find something that makes me happy. Unfortunately, the only thing I've found is the bottom of a bottle. Drinking numbs me, and allows me to stop thinking, so I've been drinking a lot more lately. But hey, at least I'm enjoying my surroundings and time with my friends when I'm inebriated.
I wasn't finished with that last post, and I don't see an edit option.
But about her perspective, I know she sees me as crazy. I know she thinks I'm stalking her. I know she thinks I invaded her privacy. But I had a reason to, obviously. I honestly don't care if I made her feel bad because of it. She told me it's my fault because I went through the cell phone bill and found out. Sorry that I ruined your attempt to hide your affair.
Im sorry to hear that the situation has gone this way.
That said, I would STRONGLY advise you to read those books anyway. Even if it doesnt save this marriage, it will benefit you tremendously in future relationships with your current W or whomever.
Trust me, I will still read them, and hopefully they give me a way to let go and move on, but I was just mad that they're no longer going to work for the reason I bought them.
If it's any consolation, there are a number of people who have saved their marriages here even when there was another person involved. But only you can determined how strong you will be during this period.
Really? Even with the one who walked away in love with someone else? I just don't see us coming back from this, and I'm so scared.
"Really? Even with the one who walked away in love with someone else? I just don't see us coming back from this, and I'm so scared."
My W was in love with someone and came back. There are a bunch of stories here that show the same.
That gives me some hope. If you don't mind me asking, how long was the whole process? She originally wanted to file for divorce after Christmas, but today she told me she was going to file way sooner cause I mentioned us still being legally married when she told me it was none of my business who she's with and what she's doing with them.
Its good to see that you have slowed down. Next step is to STOP all together. I've been there, I know how hard it is - you feel that its the only remaining connection to her. But she is right, it is an invasion of her privacy. You're not going to see anything positive and it'll consume you.
I was (still am) co-dependent also, and I understand your pain. Everything, you're whole life revolved around your W - reach out to your friends and family and try and gain a better sense of who you are.
Try not to hit the bottle - numbing the pain will only mask it. You need to try and process it and work through the issues. You have to live the rest of your life as you and you need to learn to be ok with who you are.
"its time to move on", "time will heal everything", yes I agree, comments that don't really help at the moment. But they are sentiments that are said by people who care. Think about it, what COULD they say that would be positive?... People don't know what to say to you, they want to make things better, but no-one has a crystal ball and no-one knows how this will pan out (even you).
Keep your chin up and continue to concentrate on your kids, then when you feel you can, edge more into working on you (b/c the kids will pick up on your low mood). Little by little my friend.
Keep your head held high and deal with one day at a time.
M - 36 / W - 32 S - 3 Together - 18 Yrs / Married - 10 Yrs Bomb Dropped - 4th Sept 2016 Moved out - 4th Sept 2016
