A WW? (5)

[lt0402]

Cheesyt, nope, W anchored herself down and the winds didn't sweep her away! On the "girl" stuff I do get worried I won't know how to help my D with some things. I've no doubt I can figure them out, but I'd prefer to be prepared. So different being a girl than a guy!

The rewriting of things and the convenient forgetting of stuff seems to be a staple of our WWs. If it doesn't fit their story then drop it or make it fit. At this point we really shouldn't pay too much attention to it I guess.

Rich, I'm really seeing that convincing my W her perception is skewed is very much a lost cause. You're right that nothing I say can change her views. At this point it seems like this is about minimizing the damage to my D and myself. If the W is going to change her mind, it seems like it will not be because of something I say. That realization is both frustrating and comforting at the same time. Almost feels like a burden has been lifted off me.

One of the best things to come out of all of this though is my booming R with my D. I think we both make each other so much happier now. My ability to communicate with her is leaps and bounds above where it was before. Seeing how happy my D is every day gives me hope that all will be good in the future.

Going on 5 months of in house S now. It [censored] more than just about anything I can imagine. A handful of us on here are going through it and I find myself hoping it's helping to make us stronger people in the end. I think it is, but I guess we have to wait and see.

Journaling...

Getting more focus on work recently. I've got a project right now that I know will make my company so much better so it's helping me channel some of my energy and aggression constructively. It's good to have some focus on work again, just to get some balance.

Took 2 hrs off work today to do lunch with my D at her school. Had an awesome time and we got to joke around a lot and laugh. D got new rubber bands on her braces yesterday and chose the two colors of my college. Got to love my little football fans taste in colors! Made me very happy.

Got out of work a little late so no gym. Got home, did family time on the couch for dinner then D and I played some iPad together while W did her iPhone. W and I read on the couch while D did her 20 mins of reading then we all joked around for 15 minutes before bed.

W asked for one thing from me around our investment accounts. Gave it to her earlier today. My Ls are working up my docs and I meet with them to review in 2 weeks. Keeping them in the loop on all of Ws requests. We will see if W provides the agreements to me this week,as I was supposed to get them last week. I don't think she's stalling. I think she wants them done asap.

Doesn't really bother me as much as it had in the past. I think I'm at a point where I feel indifference to the outcome of my W and I. It's my D and custody where my focus currently lies. I can work to control that outcome. My W will need to make her own decisions about her and I. I'll not allow myself to be toyed with by her anymore. If she wants in then she can work on it. Not holding my breath that happens though.

A lot of good posts recently talking about not wasting your time with people who don't want you for who you are. There is always someone out there who does want you for who you are. I see my W now fits the former. I won't settle for anything but the latter.

[hawker]

Sounds like you are in a good place LT...that is so awesome the relationship you are building with your D!!! So I take it she had Redskin bands on her braces! hahaha....I agree that we can't control our WS but we can control our actions and feelings in response to what they do or don't do. There is someone out there that wants you for who you are...I along with everyone here thought we had found that person but they are there no more.....don't settle!!!

[Surfer]

LT

Sounds like you are starting to level off and really stabailise. FWIW my relationship with my W only started improving say 2 months after she left. When I have kids more and she has less financial support I believe there will be more loss for her and more respect. In the meantime I am giving less of a sh!t. Happy to talk but also happy about a life where I rarely see her and just have fun with the kids.

Keep that chin up and keep up with the gym!

Surfer.

[lt0402]

hawker, yeah, I'm excited about my R with my D. It's the one good things that's coming out of all of this. I'm with you that I'd thought I had found that one person, but the more I learn about relationships and the more I see how my W is now, the more I question that. Not looking to settle for something that's not beneficial for both W and I!

surfer, I still have my ups and downs, but the magnitude of them is waning. I've been able to fight back the outright disrespect from my W, but there's still a ton of resent and contempt lingering with her. Unsure how that ever clears itself up. At this point I'd give it a marginal chance of ever going away. Been slacking on gym time, but got back into the swing this weekend. That's a definite need as I need to build back up my energy!

Thanks to both of you for the words of encouragement! Now some journaling.

Been hovering in others threads the past few days. Haven't really been ultra motivated to get in here and put down details. Unsure how I feel right now, but I know that I'm tired and mentally/physically drained.

Part of me wants to take the reins on this S thing and shove it over the finish line. W hits me multiple times per day, every day asking for this detail or that. Some of the stuff I only have access to (work stuff) and some of it we both have access to via our mint.com account where I've always tracked our finances.

W continues to be a drag at home as well. I can't do anything right, she won't have a conversation with me, she won't even respond with a yes or no most of the time when asked a question. I've gotten rid of most of the eye rolling, "joking" about me with D, and other overt disrespect, but this attitude stuff still lingers.

For example, W and I agreed that I'd do the evening routine one night each week (homework, dinner, meds) after I went to my Ds tennis lesson on Wednesdays/Thursdays. Come home Thursday and start working on homework w/ D and W tells me that it's not my night to do it, bc I'd been home Monday (Columbus day holiday). I tell W that's not what we agreed to, but she's adamant I'd used "my one day" that week. I re-send her the text where we agreed to things, but she doesn't budge. Now I'm going to need to setup a firm schedule for that to let her know fully my expectations.

Then yesterday, W gets upset about the washing machine. Tells me that every time I use it it breaks the next time she uses it. I show her what I'm doing, it's no different than what she's doing, and she still is mad that I'm "breaking" the washing machine. No apologies from me, but I will probably look to get someone out to look at it.

Yesterday evening, my day to do my Ds meds and Food, W gets upset bc I don't put probiotics and fiber into Ds water for dinner. I'm out in the garage after and she comes out to talk. Tells me that's the reason her and D don't trust me and I need to come up w/ a way to remember to do that stuff and D will get really sick if I don't. First, I know D won't get sick. Second, I tell her that while I understand her concern, I continue to tell her I need more hands on experience w/ "her" routine if she wants me to follow it. She gets upset and says there's no way she'd let me do it more bc I can't follow simple instructions. She says I can move away and do the routine anyway I want if it's that unimportant to me.

I've got a 4 day business trip coming up next week and W was pressing me yesterday for what time I'm leaving on Sunday. Who knows what that's for, but could be for a trip to see OM. We'll find out later in the week I guess.

All of the above are why I'm tired and feel ready to pull the ripcord at times. It's almost like I'm sick and tired of the unnecessary drama. I'm really starting to rip back into the past few years of our MR and it's tough to see my W ever opening up to correcting our issues. It's discouraging and I feel like there's no headway from anything that I do currently. I'm not saying that in a sad and frustrated way, just more of a weary onlooker kind of way. I find myself at what I believe to be the gray between detached and dependent, but with more of a leaning towards detached. Swings at times, but most swings have been toward detached.

The counter to all of the above is that I still love my old W. I still love my D. I still love my family. New W is attacking all of that and I find my inner being wanting to defend until the end.

I am reaching a place now, though, where I'm not slowing the process. If W needs info then I provide it, but I also provide it to my Ls if I haven't already. Based on Ws questions, I believe my Ls are ahead of hers in regards to finances. Should have my first draft done next week. Hers was supposed to be to me 2 weeks ago. Unsure when they will get it done, but based on her pressing me for details, it seems like she's going full speed ahead.

I still don't want this D, but I'm at a place where I'm ok with it if that's what it comes to. D and I went out yesterday and hunted pokemon at a new park and had a blast doing it. I did feel like my energy level was low though and it wasn't as fun for her as it could have been. Need to keep working on myself. D and I also spent a bunch of time together Saturday morning, before she hung out with friends and Sunday afternoon when we were relaxing after our morning trek. D is an amazing kid and it's exciting to watch her grow into her own.

I've convinced D that we would have a great time going to the mountains I'd scouted out last Monday. Hoping to get up there before it gets too cold her, but may need to wait until the spring. Think we're going to go back to the park from sunday next weekend so we can go do some stuff we didn't get a chance to. It's going to suck being away from D next week for 4 days though. Worries me leaving her w/ W for those days as well. I'm convinced that W and I are a good mix for D and having only my W around imparts a decent amount of negativity and stress on D.

So, that's it. I'm ok with my future. I'd like my W in it, but if not, then I know my D will be in it. Continuing to work on me. Some good reading on Trust in relationships and how it relates to game theory and probabilities. Right up my alley and I feel like it's helping me build some skills for the future, or at least better frame things in my mind.

Thanks all for your support as always!!!

[fade]

A big, big red flag in your last post is you agreeing to basically watch your kid for 1 night a week.

95% of of the time, a divorce settlement will codify the status quo. That is why it is so important to set the status quo of you being a 50%+ parent to the extent your work schedule allows.

However, you have agreed that you are a 1-night a week parent. God forbid you even put this in writing where she can use it against you. This is a huge mistake! If she has this in writing, you need to have a lot more things in writing to refute that you are a 1-evening a week parent. And absolutely stop asking your wife for help with your D. You can figure out how to brush her hair on your own.

You need to document being a 50% parent. There is no point arguing with your wife over who will add the vitamin nonsense to your daughters water. But you need to be present with your D most days, in the home, or much preferably at the library or the park playing pokemon, etc. And then write all of this down in your daily custody journal!

Finally, promise me that you will re-read this thread in a year. Because I promise you that you will not recognize the guy writing this, nor understand how he could have put up with such nonsense. Its time to pull the plug on this situation, and you should push your lawyers so you do it first.

[DonH]

I have to agree with fade here. It's almost like dealing with an abused spouce or someone living in dysfunction and after a while it becomes normal so what really is normal no longer makes sense. It's nearly as if your W could say, "LT, you don't know how to take care of D. You have to hop on one foot while twirling your underwear on your finger before your pour her milk." And you would answer "help me to understand W so I can learn how to do these things correctly." I swear that's how crazy things have gotten and you somehow continue to let her lead you around by the nose like this! You have to stop allowing her craziness. She really is the crazy one here who has fabricated an alternate reality and you are falling for all of it. You know how many kids have ZERO probiotic added to their water and yet they don't get sick? Yet your batshit crazy wife tries to tell you that you are going to get D sick and you stand there saying "I'm sorry." See why I say it's nearly like you are an abused spouce in the depths of dysfunction? We are back to where we were with doing the meds "correctly". I don't want to be mean but do you really need us to tell you how crazy this is?

You really need to man up here or never mind getting w back - you will lose your D 90% of the time. How can W have respect for someone she belittles on a daily basis? Again, I don't want to join W in berating you but you have to call her out on this nonsense! At this point if it's W talking about taking care of D, it's likely nonsense. Who makes W right about all of it and you wrong? Who? Only if you allow it, my friend - only if you allow it!

[lt0402]

Fade and DonH, tough but good and needed feedback. Home late from a GAL tonight but will respond tomorrow.

Quick journaling. Got home from pool tonight. Good time and good break from things, though I remain exhausted. Walk in the door and W asks if we can talk for 2 minutes. First she goes into a story about how a college friend is coming home to visit about 3.5 hrs from here. It's about 1hr from OM and in his state. She'd like to go down Saturday to see her and some other friends and come back Sunday. Exact same MO as previous two trips to see OM. She tells me she's not sure it'll happen, blah, blah, blah. But she may go if it does. Same lead up she did to the last two times she went to see OM.

It was strange. Almost like she was asking permission. I'm not mind reading, but common sense is she is going to see OM. It doesn't hit as hard as it used to, surprisingly. However, I'm wondering if there's someway I should react to it. Either with her or with the Ls. She's a very smart woman, but she's a horrible liar for some reason. There's about 50 other ways she could have spun this and previous visits to not make them seem like what they were. Open to thoughts.
W was extremely nice and not combative in this dialogue which is vastly different than any other dialogue we have had the past 2 months which have all been spew. She acted the same way when she tried to lie about OM trips #1 and #2. If this is a trip to see OM it'd explain why she's been pressing me so hard for D info for the agreements lately. Also explains why the past 3 weeks she's been eating almost nothing and exercising more than usual. Not going to detective mode. Just noting the inconsistencies and looking for opinions on how to react.

Second, earlier today I told her last week I'm going to my Ds parent teacher conference in 2 weeks. She is welcome to come to, but I'm definitely going. After the first discussion above, W brought up the idea that we allow D9 to stay home alone while we are both there for an hour. Complete reversal on that and not my overly controlling W. Unsure what that's about. She asked my opinion, again unusual, and I told her I'd think about it and we could discuss later.

Strange. I feel nothing with regards to her trip right now. More confused about D thing and shocked by Ws inability to craft a real story. W told me she wouldn't go visit OM so long as we were still M but I never really believed that.

Co parenting counselor tomorrow for me. They want to meet us individially first. W meets them later in the week. Be interesting to see how that is. Maybe I'll run the above by her. I also have my IC on thurs so we will see what he says to.

Will respond to fade/don in the am. Thanks guys, know that you are extremely appreciated!

[Surfer]

LT

Your W is my W 5 months ago. See today's update. Don't disparity. Basically she is nuts. I bet she looks nuts too at times. If she looks, she sounds nuts, etc guess what....she is. Temporarily. Or should I say totally illogical. I've had it all, from putting too much toothpaste on the kids toothbrushes to the washing, ironing, dishwasher OCD. Forget it. Don't do what she tells you to do. Just say, okay, you know how to do this your way I just do it normally - I am clearly struggling. Let her do it. Don't struggle. But most importantly do not enter into an arguement with her. This is her modus operandi. She needs to make you out to be the bad man. It's also part projection too I think. Anyway, just avoid it. If she starts off nice and changes to attack, exit the convo. Pronto. Nothing else to add. Just set a boundary and exit (sorry this is not working for me). She will spew the feck out but if needs be, leave the house. So - hate her crazy was done.

Now the OM trip. You know the drill she is going anyway. Just don't make it easy. Don't call her out on it either. If it does not work for you say no doesn't work for me. If it does and you get time with the kids - take the time and don't give her it back if she asks for it.

Don't pay any mind to what she is up to or who she is with. She is anWW and you don't want her. You want your W.

Now bear in mind. If you WW does turn a corner - again see my sitch today. It could of cours be BS. My W could be manipulating - not too sure she as she is getting consistent - it let's see. But if she does. You still do not want her back. She is going to have to be putting in some serious work.

See the way I see it, now I understand more, is you are not on the back foot. You Are very much on the front foot my friend. You just don't know it because it doesn't feel that yet. You it will though. Trust me. I wouldn't be surprised if she moves out at some point. She may not. But she may. Don't fret if she does. Best thing that happened to us. Certainly to me and the kids given her personality 5 months ago. Her R with the OM will, most likely fall apart.

You MUST get down the gym, get fit and confident and be superdad. Your only jobs. All sounds like leisure to me - Oh yes on top of that you need to go out with friends and have fun! Could even date if you feel it's right. You mean WTF......???? Even that is like a dream on a plate. Or you could sit about worrying which pot of boiling water has the bunny in......I know what I'd rather do.

Hang in there mate. Hang in. You are doing great. Just stay off the rollercoaster.

Surfer.

[mulesqb]

Hi lt - I hope it's ok that I jumped in here. Just wanted to throw you some support. Here's the thing. From what I am reading the in-house sep is your biggest obstacle. I did it. It's so hard. Any problem she has with you is multiplied 10 times over. And you are seeing way too much of her and really hanging on every interaction you have with her. It is holding you back from working on yourself, becoming more attractive, giving her true space and GAL. This is not any fault of yours but I think it is what is draining you so much. It's throwing the situation in your face constantly and hence your thoughts are always about the R.

I was there. It is the absolute worst. The day my XW moved out was unreal. I had dreaded it. But the minute she closed the door behind her the entire house decompressed. All the mental and emotional drain started to heal. It was at that point that I started to slowly but surely become the person I wanted to be. It removed the biggest obstacle in the way.

It sounds like you are working on S but in the meantime can you put more space between the two of you?

I know this is an incredibly tiring and draining process. But keep working on you. That's what counts right now. Your future starts from there. Start working on being the attractive version of lt that you want to be. You can handle this.

Strength and Honor

Mules

[Surfer]

Mules you are bang on. I have never seen the in house separation thing work. I totally agree with the decompression. Happened exactly the same. Healing began. You

Surfer.