Found out about W affair, she does not know I know

[MrBond]

I agree with sandi, You need to have that tough talk about the A. Be firm but not judgemental. Tell her you need to clear the air so that you can be totally honest with each other.

[Steady9]

Sandi. Thank you so much for this post. I appreciate your benefit of the doubt comment and I mean more that way today versus a few days ago. She has done a lot of thinking and revealing and I am listening. I started the book- took today and tomorrow off to work on myself and the MR. I will heed your advice and stop with telling her I do not trust. I do think she is or was WW and I am working on learning and executing "passion". I feel stupid today on this and working to get up to speed - passion.

[Steady9]

Sandi- do you think a WW can convince herself that nothing really happened and move on?

[Steady9]

Meant. Lean more that way...

[Steady9]

My W added these paragraphs to her letter to me. I have asked her to add thoughts to this document as things come up or due to some discussions we are having. Also she is interested in reading a book and thought she should read the book I picked up today. She does not know the title. I just let her know I was reading and education myself on how to have better conversations and learning from tough relationship issues. Is it ok for her to read the DR book? Or is that off limits???

-----W writing to me-----
It will also be important the neither of us does something in such a manner that could make us stop loving one another. This may be partially subjective, however a very broad example that may encompass the most is... doing or saying anything that you would not normally do if the other of us were there. This can fall under, Trust/honesty/respect section.

Your trust in me is gone, I have not been living 100% by all the above "whats important to me" items. All I can tell you, is that I promise everyday moving forward, that I will. I am confident our relationship can regain its momentum and integrity.

[MrBond]

Still need to bring up the A to her. I don't know how many situations we've encountered and some going on right now where there was an A in the past and it was swept under the rug only to have the repercussions appear years later.

[pinn]

Still need to bring up the A to her. I don't know how many situations we've encountered and some going on right now where there was an A in the past and it was swept under the rug only to have the repercussions appear years later.

Hi Bond.... can you expound on this a little bit?

[Steady9]

Ok talked about A today. It went well I would say and calm. She is disappointed in herself. She said it was stupid it was a guy she had not seen since 8th grade re connect on FB and guy had recently gone through divorce and my W was giving some advice I guess. Supposedly he meant nothing and it was not planned. Her going to home town to see him. She said she feels stupid. She said he does not even have manners..... she seems sincere.

She wants to do whatever it takes to save MR. she feels guilty and thanked me for giving it another chance yesterday and today after the more detail discussion.

[MrBond]

"Hi Bond.... can you expound on this a little bit?"

When the A is swept under the rug and no follow up is done in terms of counseling or true understanding of why it happened in the first place, the consequences of the A have a tendency to keep coming up. There have been people who said that their WAS had an affair years ago, but they "talked" about it and it seemed good, only to have that WAS leave again because they still felt "empty". We've also had cases the other way around where an A was swept under the rug and the LBS ends up having an A years later because they never did "forgive" the WAS for having the first A.

In these cases, total open communication with each other and in conjunction with a great C that can give you a map on how to get on the path to healing for both the WAS and LBS is very important.

[Steady9]

I feel like W is taking accountability during our conversations today. I do understand my part as well. I had started to be more present with her and the kids a few months ago. She still needed to work through this I guess. During the conversation she said she needed me to shake her out of it. She seems truly embarrassed-- she used that word. We have been able stay light hearted with some humor. I need to do more --she is not asking for it right now-- but from my reading and this website- I know.

I feel it is like Sandi said about the benefit of the doubt-- and this A was not that strong. Knowing we need to work together to make sure needs are met.