Budding

[Vanilla]

Msd

Those with empty souls need supply to fill them. There is some dreadful needs to sustain image. Even if he breaks with OW there will be another I feel.

To imply and let your kids infer his R with them is dependent on OW is truly horrid.

I suspect that it is in your Fin interest that WH has a stable R with this OW. And yes I am inclined to tell this truth about WH and his OWS.

I don't say too much

--------------------------

I say one of the following, the more intimate the connection to The Giggalo the more truth dart I makE it.

"I know it was full on in Oct 2014 before he left and suspect it started as early as Apr 2014"

"The last part of living together was horrid since he was doing the nasty with OW"

"She wasn't the first and certainly won't be the last"

"His choice of OW has been spectacular. At least this one has money he can leach off "

"I know it's sad, OW who trolls golf hotels foR rich men. She is in for a big surprise"

"Yes, he lives in Italy with a Russian, enough said!"

"I caught him with his hands down the back of someone's (different OW) jeans new year 2013"

"He cheated on our wedding day with the wedding organiser at his golf club. I found that out recently"

"I guess as a compulsive gambler he will have to sponge off someone"

Those are my script stories, I have added

"He received his redundancy in Feb 2014 of 95k tax free by October 2014 he was saying he couldn't afford to pay his half of the bills"

"He wants to sue me for 65k for the money he days he paid into our joint accounts to pay bills. Wigs and gowns and high court."

"He used the family iPad to message his various OW."

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If asked I am getting on with my life.

I am of the Zues school of no dating, perhaps not as vehement although I think 2 years is a reasonable time after my 5 year R with The Giggalo. I haven't worked my stuff through and the Fins isn't finished yet.

I think leaving it too long is as bad as too soon.

Chat soon.

V

[mustardseed]

I like your list, and I think it is on par with what I say. Just facts. i think it is in my best interest and the kids' best interest to stop making an enemy of OW--but denying what really happened to support their story doesn't sit well with me. The factual bullet point approach you have taken is the best way to handle it. Thank you V. As always you are an amazing support and always the voice off wisdom for me.

I am feeling a bit ungrounded lately. I don't know if it has to do with the loss of the non-r with distance guy--he occupied a lot of head space in a pleasurable way--and thinking of him helped me make better choices on those lonely days and nights when I didn't have the kids. I liked that bond--that tether. Even though we weren't in an R--thinking of him was enough. I feel like I am floating again--in an aimless windless sky and even though I am doing the GAL things I need to do I feel like I am doing it erratically right now. I am so busy during the week--then I feel like I need to fill my weekends without the kids with fun adult stuff--so I make hasty decisions just to fill that time.

I am not taking care of myself. I have put on weight. I have been spending too much money and I am just not really happy with me right now. I am seeing glimpses of old me right now--the me that H fell out of love with. I am not happy with the fact that I let XH and OW occupy head space again and my guess is that it happened because distance guy moved out of that space.

I am hoping this is all just a momentary thing that will pass. Today is the first day that I have been able to just sit--alone in my empty home and so I guess part of this flood of emotions and remorse is just a product of finally having time to let things sink in. It has been several months since I had that opportunity. I feel like I have been having a back-slide--but it might just be that I am having a moment of processing things that have happened recently--taking a break from moving forward to absorb all of the forward moving I have done over the past several months. It isn't a comfortable process but i guess it is necessary.

[Vanilla]

Msd

This is the truth, you are an amazing, wonderful woman and mother.

An R is a temporary distraction and yes probably helps. Let's get with the truth.

Only you can be you.

Only you can build the you that you can be.

You are fine as you are, nothing is faulty. Everything is fine.

Msd you are losing focus on you. Building yourself into the you that will satisfy you.

So Msd apart from a little weight gain what do you want to achieve for you?

What actions do you need to take?

V

[mustardseed]

V. Thank you. I haven't revised my goals in a while--and I think that might be part of why I am lost right now. Last year this time I was focused on finding a job, building a new home, and providing stability for the kids during an unstable time. Now I feel like I am just going without knowing where I am headed.

Ok so what do I want to achieve for me?

BODY:I want to feel good in my body again--this means I need to start moving more. I focus a lot on what I eat and don't eat but I noticed the biggest change between now and a year ago is I am not making a point to work out as much. I walk every day, but I think I need to do a little more.

I also need to cut out some vices--or at least cut down on them and keep track of when I enjoy them.

Family: enjoy their company and my role as head of household. To take the reins now that things have stabilized a bit. No more kid gloves. My kids are very good kids, sweet although the teenage attitude is starting to peak through, but I have been trying too hard to make things perfect. I think I really need to stop and just let things be real.

Work: Right now I am happy with what I am doing but I think I might start looking for something full time for next year. So I need to make sure all of my papers and resume are updated. I also am not happy with my schedule but I already started working on that and hopefully I will have a better arrangement in November.

Fins: I have to rein it in big time. Stick to my budget and trim the fat where I can. This means saying no--no to the kids--no to myself--no when I am tempted by outings that I have not budgeted for.

I need to start establishing routines again. I am good with it when I have the kids, but when I don't I fly by the seat of my pants. I am not good a sticking to plans which is fine, but sticking to a routine might help me not feel so lost when I am alone. I am always ready to just drop everything when a better option comes along or when someone needs something. With a routine I will be able to better prioritize and plan for things instead.

Social: I always thought of myself as an introvert because I'm shy and don't like being the center of attention, but I definitely do better and feel better when I am around people than when I am alone. That makes me a shy extrovert I guess. I like being around a lot of people, but I tend to break

[mustardseed]

Social: I always thought of myself as an introvert because I'm shy and don't like being the center of attention, but I definitely do better and feel better when I am around people than when I am alone. That makes me a shy extrovert I guess. I like being around a lot of people, but I tend to break

Didn't finish this thought.

I tend to break into smaller and 1:1 groups. I don't do well with small talk but I like intimate conversations. I want to feel more comfortable in crowds. Not get shy and retreat. I man I went out with is super outgoing, center of attention. Our first date he was the center of attention. I was very uncomfortable with it and a little annoyed because I like 1 on 1 attention. By the time we left the place everyone in the place knew him by name and they all said good bye to him. It was hilarious but totally not my speed. Made me think about why I am so shy--why that made me uncomfortable. I think if I want to rebuild my social life I need to learn more about what vibe I give off as a result of my shyness. I need to learn to be comfortable with surface conversation and diving into the heavy stuff so fast.

I need to get myself back out around people and make new girl friends.

[Vanilla]

Msd

Lots of need to in this.

Need to won't work with goals it creates resistance in those that must should need and havery to.

Try choose instead and convert those goals into actions, specific achievable and action orientated. Use the present tense.

So:

BODY:I want to feel good in my body again--this means I need to start moving more. I focus a lot on what I eat and don't eat but I noticed the biggest change between now and a year ago is I am not making a point to work out as much. I walk every day, but I think I need to do a little more.

Becomes

I feel good in my body again and I do 10,000 steps every day which I measure on my fit bit. I have chosen a healthy eating plan and I go to the gym 3 times a week.

Can you rewrite in this way?

V

[SH_]

Msd

I am exactly the same way...
Search Susan Cane...
Great Ted Talk...
Great writer...
Great message...

Much understanding provided...

D18 is the exact same way as I,
4 months ago cry and anxiety daily about fear and no friends..
She started with this...
Now she is still the shy introvert with a dilemma to tell friends no when they want to go out...

We don't have to change what we are...
But we can take actions to provide the social connections that complete us.

[mustardseed]

Ok V let me try again.

Body-I am happy with my body and the things it can do when I push myself. I will continue my walks, making time in the morning to get moving. I'll choose active outings over consumption type of outings.

Family: I am the head of the household. I know what is required to keep it running and I hear the needs and desires of my family but I am able to address those desires in ways that work within the needs of the household. Sometimes we will not be happy but we will get through it and make the best of it.

Work: I am doing what I love and it is paying the bills. I am spread a little thin but I have options and the challenges I'm facing are helping me carve out a situation that is optimal. I am happy with work right now and I am adjusting things to keep it from interfering with family needs. This might not be a long term situation but it is ideal for now.

Find I know what I need to do to get out of the hole and eventually ahead of the game. I'm at the bottom right now but I can take it one step at a time rather than trying to get to the top immdiately. First step-make a plan for the money I have right now and stick to it. Get through the next two months without accruing more debt.

Social: continue to date casually but don't put dates above friends and family plans. Say yes to every invite that is not a conflict of time or financial plan. When there are no invites reach out to old friends and family to make your own.

Shh-- it is difficult to be a shy extrovert. Someone told me that I probably send off a stay away vibe because I have a hard time keeping casual small talk conversations going. However deep things, heavy things, even politics and religion and big idea things that cause arguments that most people avoid I enjoy and have an easier time with. There is much less awkward silence.

But I will try to pay closer attention to the natural progression of small talk conversations and see if I can hone those skills to make it easier to make new friends.

[Vanilla]

Much much better.

Awesome.

Now the actions to add, I do this (who, what, when, where)

FoR instance the walks, are they 10 mins 5 mornings outof 7?

Do you have a monthly budget that you Follow? Allowing yourself x of mad money?

In not accruing more debt, do you check your bank statement every day at 4 pm, Monday to Friday, keep receipts? Limit cash withdrawals?

Will you have two topical items to discuss every day?

So let's find an action plan you can apply and measure yourself by.

Let me give you an example

I exercise at the gym for two hours a day for 5 days a week and I average 7500 steps in a week.

I clean my car and van once a month and have them valeted every 6 months.

I tidied my drawers the Mari Keno way and I discard oversized clothes immediately or I have them tailored to refit.

I have a monthly budget and check my bank every Friday.

I replace broken items immediately or decide the are not needed. I repair if I can. I recycle automatically.

These are measurable and I can check I am doing them.

I have eating goals and health ones too. They are very specific and I keep them on excel spreadsheets. I am of course not suggesting you go that far!

So 6 weekly chiropodist
6 month dental
Etc.......

I could choose to add hairdresser and nail salon to it, at the moment those seem like indulgence.

Doing great Msd, just a little further with this then it's cracked.

V

[mustardseed]

I had a date cancel on me tonight, so I will devote this time to working through this process V.

Glass of wine in hand (probably a violation of my body goal) and a delicious dinner I made from one of those food delivery teach you to cook services (under 600 kcals and cheaper than the take out I would have gotten so we are good). It is a nice date with me evening.

I'm even listening to old 70s and 80s love songs--my parents are always listening to this station and I found it online so whenever I feel like I wish I was there I turn it on. It is so wonderfully cheesy--but the lyrics and nostalgia really pull on my heart strings.

So my action plan.
Body--I already walk 15 minutes in the morning 15 minutes in the afternoon and evening and for at least 2 hours on weekends (usually at least 6 miles once or twice). My dog requires it and I love her for it. But I want to try and wake up earlier to get in at least one 3 mile walk on week days. It is getting dark too early. When my hours change I can maybe do sunset walks rather than sunrise walks. So I need to start waking up at 5:30.

If I can't walk--I can do dance parties for one at home I guess, for at least 30 minutes. I can't get to the gym. Can't afford it and won't get myself there if I am too tired. Also, I will start logging my food again on MFP at least 3 times a week.

Family: When a request comes up, rather than ignoring or flipping out or saying yes when i know it will stress me out, I will tell the kids--right now I can't give you an answer.

We had a talk about this last weekend when the kids told me that I ignore them when they ask me things. I told them, the problem is that I constantly have two lists running through my head--the schedule list, and the money list. When you ask me a question that effects one of those lists it sends me into panic mode. If I answer when you ask I will come across like a raving lunatic. IF you give me time, we can figure it out.

Then I gave them the analogy of cleaning off a messy desk. You set up a system and start going through the clutter one at a time. But when people keep handing you more things the only thing you can do to keep yourself from flipping out is to stick it on a "deal with later" pile. Funny thing was after I told them this and everyone had a chance to cool off D came into my room and cleaned off my cluttered desk, asking me where to put things and putting post it notes on all of the piles she created. She is so cute.

Work: already in progress. Got new cases with a better schedule and better hourly rate (which means I can cut down on the hours a bit)starting November. spoke to the client I will be dropping and sending an email tomorrow to tell the agency that I need to drop the case.

Fins: I use an envelop budgeting system that I love. It worked magic when I was trying to get our family budget on track (although H resented me taking over things, and it might have been a big reason for my marital breakdown--it worked).

So I have monthly targets but I only budget money I already have. That means that my budget is not always the same from month to month. Right now because I am playing catchup, it is hard for me to keep realistic amounts in certain categories, but my first step is to start right now with what I have. So far I am doing ok with October. I am short on cash this month because I was late on submitting some billing so I still haven't received August or September pay for my cases--probably why I am so stressed right now, but once those checks come in I think I will be back on track. My goal is to stay within my spending limits for the next two months--putting anything extra into a buffer category.

Then after I stabalize the spending, I will start throwing as much as I can to the debts. Because my pay is variable I also have to make sure I continue to fund my buffers for lean months. I know what my average monthly income needs to be to make ends meet. I need to be careful to save any months when I make more than that amount for those months I will be making less. This means i have to stop playing whack a mole with my categories knowing I can deal with excess later. Even if it is true, it should only apply to non-negotiables like rent and electricity.

Social: My calendar has been pretty full, but only because I am dating and that is not what I want to be relying on for a social life. I have my relatives and when there is something I want to do I reach out to them first because I can usually find someone interested and I don't take it personally when I get the brush off. Then I have my old closest friends who I can also be rejected by without taking it personally. They never want to do anything. It is the newer friends that I have met that I am worried about coming across as clingy or annoying. Especially since they are almost all connected either to my Ex and his job, or my old job and both situations I am still unsure about where I fall in the gossip mill. So if I reach out or run into someone and they seem genuinely interested in getting together, but then things fall through I can't tell if it is because they are really too busy or if it is because they really don't want to be around me. One thing my ex told me during one of our many fights is that I am delusional about my relationships with people. Implying that I think I have friends who aren't really my friends. That stays with me--and the fact that most of my old "friends" are also her friends I can't help but wonder. When I see people whose company I always enjoyed at school functions, but OW is with them, I am faced with the isolation of knowing that none of them were my friends to begin with.

But then, on the other hand, my old friends from before XH are connected to his family, and they are still loyal to me. He rejected them. So I guess the reality is that he isn't really right that I have no real friends, just that the past 10 years our social life was built by him in the way he wanted it to work. Keep me just close enough to feel secure, but never on the inside with his crowd.

So making new friends is essential. Disconnected from old job and XH. I am going to start with people I work with. I already have connected to a few people when we are one on one, but now I have to stop being shy and withdrawing when we are in groups.