S11 is just fine mate. He's handeling this like a pro.
As for the red flags. Nah she's not sending any signals. But with a mixture of what I've read here and other searches she's in the thick of a doozie. It's a shame really because I know what's coming for her. And I won't be there to pick up the piecies.
She is/was the perfect storm. And it's coming. It'll take a while yet because she's still seeking that perfection. You get that. And when it starts to crumble she'll transition from replay to depression. Which is what this has always been about. What a sad, sad state of affairs.
Last edited by job; 10/17/1604:31 PM. Reason: deleted reference to another site name
Me:43 Her:42 M:14 S:9 EA started 2014/03 (or there abouts) PA started 2014/05/30 BD:2014/11/05 I left 2015/10/01 I returned 2015/05/02 She left 2015/06/10 OM still on the go.
Oh and the original article I was talking about is in psychology today. Read them both. Very enlightening.
Me:43 Her:42 M:14 S:9 EA started 2014/03 (or there abouts) PA started 2014/05/30 BD:2014/11/05 I left 2015/10/01 I returned 2015/05/02 She left 2015/06/10 OM still on the go.
Your latest posts regarding your son resonated with me. My eldest is on the autistic spectrum (he was diagnosed with Asperger's but it is all under the same umbrella term now isn't it?). I'm worried about him because it will be harder for him to understand what's happening, his word is very much black and white at the moment, with no room for greys etc. I think you and your son are dealing with things "like a Pro" as NDY put it. I also think you dealt with your wife's messages appropriately, I think she wants the best for your son, and really there is no need for a text war. I'm going to try to deal with my husband's parenting advice (usually comes in the form of lectures) in a similar manner, let's hope that it works.
"There's nothing sadder than a conman conning himself"
“There is freedom waiting for you, On the breezes of the sky, And you ask "What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, What if you fly?”
NDY, The individual (two names together) that you were referencing earlier was once a poster on this forum and some of her threads are still around. However, because she has her own forum, out of respect for Michele and the work she does, we do not reference other sites or provide links to such sites on Michele's forums.
As for your wife going from replay to depression...nope. She was already in depression when she hit the first stage. In fact, the depression had already begun 18-24 months prior to the bomb drop. The stages aren't linear. They can bounce from denial, anger replay depression and withdrawal and back again. Acceptance is the only stage whereby they actually begin to wake up and sometimes fight tooth and nail to come out the other side and then if they return home, it takes another 18-24 months for them to feel comfortable in their own skin and under the same roof w/their spouse again.
Depression is the main ingredient of a MLC, i.e., they go hand and hand for both men and women. The stage of depression that is referenced all over the place is the very deep, dark depression and they tend to really look awful during that time as well as withdraw from the things that they use to do and/or like.
Again, the stages aren't linear and replay will take as long as it takes to work thru. Sometimes this is the longest running stage of them all. The stages and timelines that my friend referenced are guidelines only. Each person is unique and so shall each crisis be unique. Some are shorter, others are longer and then there are those that remain stuck.
Found what I was being referenced to! Glad that your S is coping OK. I know you can't be there for her when she pulls out, and I know the reasons, but I'm glad you are having some peace.
Hi Esame
Yes, it's all just referred to as the Autistic Spectrum (or ASD), but labels still exist in an unofficial form (for my S it's ADD).
At the moment, I have to provide the best, most loving environment whilst he is with me. I can argue my piece with W, but she isn't in 'listening' mode, I don't think I'll have any luck. I don't know about your H, but my W delivers her sermons when she's leaving, trying to sting me and leave me with a bad feeling. I now just let it ride over me. It's the best way.
M 45 W 52 SD22 S9 D8 BD 6 April 2015 Not living together 4 Dec 2015
@Job Thank you for taking the time to respond to me. I appreciate everything you said. Thing is that I'm not sure if my ExW is in MLC or not. She displays many of the characteristics described in both the homework you provide to noobs and from other sources.
For example, the 18 - 24 month guideline you provide fits perfectly with her. Back in 2013 two life events took place that I still think have a large bearing on this mess. First she turned 40, then not long after her father passed away in horrific circumstances. About a year after his passing she went from a loving caring fun woman to suddenly in a full blown affair. Equally though in the few times I've seen her (I went very dark and haven't laid eyes on her in a long time) she looked anything but terrible. I know some people can bury their depression and can make it look to the outside world that they are fine but on the other hand perhaps she is fine and MLC has nothing to do with this.
This could all just be me trying to make sense of this. It would be easy to label this with a condition, makes for an easy scapegoat but I equally have to accept that she just wanted out.
@Huddy - sorry for the minor hijack. Back to your sitch.
Me:43 Her:42 M:14 S:9 EA started 2014/03 (or there abouts) PA started 2014/05/30 BD:2014/11/05 I left 2015/10/01 I returned 2015/05/02 She left 2015/06/10 OM still on the go.
Hijack away - we're all in the brown stuff together!
I, like you, was very wary about calling it as a MLC. Like you, I see no obvious signs of depression (well, not now, but at the start) and she seems as if life is just dandy, but I think I've read on here that MLC'ers become very good at hiding the signs, and convince themselves that everything is OK, when it's not.
In my sitch, the most obvious sign is W having the tummy tuck and teeth whitening. Then there was the 'you're taking it out on me' speech when I went away with the kids, and they told her how much of a wonderful time they had and she just saw red.
Maybe it's how we, as either a LBS or sane spouse, are interpreting the signals is the problem and maybe, as we don't see out MLC'er that often (more in my case, as you are pulling off going dark well) that the outward signs being given are a smokescreen to hide the pain. Probably one for job/j3b/wonka to comment on having seen the other side of an MLC.
M 45 W 52 SD22 S9 D8 BD 6 April 2015 Not living together 4 Dec 2015
Your spouses could very well be wearing masks around you. They can appear happy as clams and when alone, could be "Debbie Downers". If you don't see them very often, then you have no way of knowing just how depressed they are. Depression can take on many forms.
I'm linking a thread that I created many, many years ago that might prove helpful to you:
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
This isn't my thread so I'll make this brief. Thanks for posting that link. As you say I can't tell either way if my ExW is experiencing any of those emotions or not. So I'll default to the position that she's genuinely happier where she is. The simpler answer is usually correct.
I came back here to find out how my good friend Huddybis doing. And now I find myself getting sucked back in. The Expectations and the negative thoughts are creeping back in. I had let it go. Now I'm clawing it back. And it's unhealthy for me.
I had let it go and now not so much. It's dragging me down so I'm taking a break again. I can't keep cycling. I need to be away from here.
Huddy. Text me mate. I'm always here for you. You know this.
Peace and bye.
Me:43 Her:42 M:14 S:9 EA started 2014/03 (or there abouts) PA started 2014/05/30 BD:2014/11/05 I left 2015/10/01 I returned 2015/05/02 She left 2015/06/10 OM still on the go.
At the moment, I have to provide the best, most loving environment whilst he is with me. I can argue my piece with W, but she isn't in 'listening' mode, I don't think I'll have any luck. I don't know about your H, but my W delivers her sermons when she's leaving, trying to sting me and leave me with a bad feeling. I now just let it ride over me. It's the best way.
I'm sure you provide a lovely environment for your little boy!
Weekend just gone was the first time H shared his patenting wisdom with me, I think prior to that he felt that him leaving has no impact on anyone, and that pursuing his happiness is all "fine and dandy". S10 being unhappy at school (for the first time in months) must have been a wake up call, so he is now coming up with plans to visit counsellors (for the kids) and telling me off about everything he is unhappy with.
When he told me I must have looked at him like he grew a second head or something because I actually thought he must be joking! Anyway, like you, I'm trying to not pay too much attention to it, and instead recognise the good things he still does.
"There's nothing sadder than a conman conning himself"
“There is freedom waiting for you, On the breezes of the sky, And you ask "What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, What if you fly?”
