Court date set, still holding on (csabo part 2)

[csabo]

I don't know. I don't really have one.

[csabo]

Also, I don't think I'm really overanalyzing every little thing he does, it's more like "is this a positive sign" than "what specifically does this mean".

Like, he hasn't talked to me for 2 days and today he sent me a video about miniature cows. I'm more thinking, "it's a good sign that shows he's thinking of me" than pondering the meaning behind it so much.

Is that like, too much still? I'm trying to notice and appreciate the little positives.

[csabo]

I do have a question though. I'm so not sure how to treat him. For example, today he bought new clothes, I guess to look more attractive when he goes out to try to get women (he didn't say this specifically). But he was very excited to show me his new clothes. Like, that's a bit of mixed signals and I don't know how to respond.

I told him he looked nice, but that he shouldn't be fake. I don't want to be rude but I don't want to encourage him to try dating other women but I don't want to tell him not to and be pursuing/controlling.

[j20a00g]

Be less present. Also, "I told him he looked nice but that he shouldn't be fake".... why? Why not just "you look nice"?

Treat him cordially and be polite but not overly nice. Get the demons out of your head (ie "I guess to look more attractive when he goes out to get women"). At this point, you were fired from being his wife. Focus on you only.

I'm. It going to lie I literally chuckled when you said that you aren't analyzing everything he's doing or saying and then you posted 2 posts full of analyzing him.

What about you? What have you been doing or working on for YOU?

[csabo]

Well, I said I didn't think I was OVERanalyzing everything. Then I posted an example of what I meant. As in, yes I still think about it but not giving myself anxiety attacks by constantly thinking about it. Does that mean I shouldn't think about it at all? I'm just trying to notice and appreciate when something positive happens.

I've been doing things for me. Making friends, working out, blah blah blah. I'm still just tripping up when I have to interact with him so that's where my questions/discussions are focused. I don't mean to make it seem like he's the main focus of my day to day life.

[j20a00g]

Well, I said I didn't think I was OVERanalyzing everything. Then I posted an example of what I meant. As in, yes I still think about it but not giving myself anxiety attacks by constantly thinking about it. Does that mean I shouldn't think about it at all? [/[b]b]I'm just trying to notice and appreciate when something positive happens.

I've been doing things for me. Making friends, working out, blah blah blah. I'm still just tripping up when I have to interact with him so that's where my questions/discussions are focused. I don't mean to make it seem like he's the main focus of my day to day life.

Yes, try your best to not think about him/the situation at all. He doesn't want you as his wife. You think he's thinking of you as often as you of him? You mention trying to appreciate positives but at this stage, they can be very very misleading. I would avoid any and all things that appear to be positive as it may give you false hope.

Focus on those things that you are doing to improve you! When you HAVE to interact with him make it short and civil. That's it. Seeing that you don't have kids it should be far easier than for many.

[Rose888]

I think I was doing better at DB'ing before he got drunk and said he missed me but that he wasn't coming back. It kind of felt like the break up all over again. You're right, Surfer, I need to get back to working on detachment and focusing on myself. Thanks.

j - about d&d, I was worried that if I quit playing he would see it as me being weak/avoiding him/withdrawing and being depressed. But if I kept going despite his presence it would show that I can be my own person regardless of him. But I'm not sure...

Can you find a new D&D group? Or form one?

That would allow you to show you are your own person without having to see him regularly.

[csabo]

Yesterday (Oct 31) was my birthday. I found out (through snooping, I know, I know...) that he had a "first date with a girl from a dating site" for breakfast yesterday morning. He said it was "disappointing all around" and that that's what he wanted.

So, it is upsetting that he's on dating sites, which I knew already, but a little weird that he wanted the date to not go well. I'm not sure what he wants.

Trying to just live my life and not worry about it. I know I should stop snooping, but it's addictive and sometimes it feels helpful when I can find out about upsetting things before he tells me so I can have a breakdown without him seeing it. But I suppose if I stopped snooping, maybe the stupid things he does would get less upsetting?

I only have 2 months left to get him to at least pause the divorce...

I'm not sure what else to do since I did manage to make progress and get him to say he misses me, but then he "took it back" and I'm kinda feeling like...what if that was it? What if that was as good as I could do and it wasn't good enough?

Trying to detach...I got super sucked back in when he said he missed me.

But, I did get drunk with him and some friends on Sunday, we were at d&d and the group got me a bottle of amaretto for my birthday, and I didn't act clingy to him or tell him I loved him or that I missed him or anything like that. I didn't even hang out with him when we got home, I had my friends come pick me up and I left the house again. So, I think that was a step in the right direction again.

[j20a00g]

Ok. Couple of points/

Why are you talking to him at all about dating? Quit allowing him to friend zone you! He's looking for your replacement, why discuss it with him?

You specifically said "I did manage to make progress and get him to say he misses me".....
That's progress? I know we discussed goal setting before. Is that your goal? For him to be your buddy?

[csabo]

We don't really talk about him dating. He didn't tell me he was on the dating site, my friend saw him on it and told me, and I found out about the breakfast date because he was messaging his friend about it online and I logged into his account and read the messages. He actually tries to hide it from me.

Well, I mean...I don't know, I guess. From him saying I want a divorce, I never loved you to saying leaving you is really hard and I miss you seems better than him saying yes I made the right decision I don't miss you at all.

No, it's not my end goal but seemed like a step towards getting back together. I don't see how him missing me is being buddies. How is he going to want to come back if he doesn't miss me?

Maybe I haven't made any progress at all, then. It's been 4 months, and that's the best I've gotten.

I appreciate the responses and advice, I don't mean to sound argumentative or anything, I'm just not understanding entirely.