Update: W continues going to the twice a month meetings (large meetings) that ow also attends. Yesterday, after going over our agreement ("I promise not to engage with ow") in the morning before she headed off to the meeting, she ended up walking ow to her car after the meeting. It ended at 9:30. I didn't get the "I'll text you after the meeting" text until almost 10. A friend told me they were chatting before the meeting, too. I bluffed and pretended I knew about the stroll to the car, until she admitted it. The story kept changing. I'm sure many of you reading this know the kick to the gut feeling when you know your spouse is lying again.
I lost it. She swears it was nothing and i'm making a big deal over nothing. She swears she loves me and only me and wants a future with me and not ow. But everything starts with opening a door just a little bit, doesn't it? Was this temp checking to see if ow might want her back? Or to se if W wants her back? Why would she do this, at work, where any of my friends could see her, and report back to me? Why would she be so willing to hurt me? Her answer: "IDK".
I am worried about my response. I went back to that very dark place of low/no self-esteem. Of paranoia. I googled PTSD after an affair and I have most of the symptoms. I don't sleep, I'm pale, I easily fly off the handle, I am triggered by all sorts of things, I am insecure, I feel ugly and like a loser, I can't concentrate, I can barely hold my head up because I feel so defeated. Today she went off golfing with her friends and said she looks forward to seeing me when she gets back.
Am I making too much out of this? What am I supposed to do when they see each other in meetings at least twice a month? Was this opening the door up again? Will the welcome mat go out next and an invitation to come on in? I'm very very VERY afraid that she'll slide down into that rabbit, no RAT, hole again.
11/4/15 W revealed EA/2 months later became PA with co-worker Reconciling since late April 2016 Don't give up until it's time, then move on Be patient, strong and kind but never a doormat
I can see why this would bother you and trigger all of your memories of what has happened in the past. I would want some vets to comment on your situation but I wanted to let you know that you are a great person and you are beautiful and you are a winner!!!!!!!
W:42 M:48 T:9 yrs M:1yr BD: Feb 2016 EA Confirmed: Feb 2016/PA July 2016 D: Feb 2017
Youre signature says this: "Be patient, strong and kind but never a doormat"
Given those parameters, what is your plan? My concern for you is that your W has no fear of crossing your boundaries. Sure, youre going to get mad or 'lose it', and then hat? Time marches on, you swallow it, and you guys resume living your life.
This is what, the fourth, fifth, eighth time shes crossed that same boundary, and yet, it looks like you have no alternative besides just waving your hands around, getting upset and hoping that she will change her behavior next time.
I think if you want her to change her ways, then you need to consider what YOU will change first to get that kind of response. Frankly, repeating a mantra, having a check-in text and checking up through your friend networks sounds super controlling. It has to be up to W to make her own choices. And then you need to decide what your limits are for you to be healthy.
Today I had a bad feeling and so I checked W's email. Keep in mind that we have this agreement that she will not write, call, text, trip over or send OR receive smoke signals from ow. Well it turns out she sent ow an email on Sunday. Some list of good wines. No comment just the list. That's what I know. What is it that I don't know? Clearly I cannot believe all the pretty words. They could be meeting on the sly every day for all I know. So, since I usually wave my arms and get upset this time I'm hiding out at a friend's house. Turned off my location services on the phone so she can't see where I am. Haven't heard from her in 8.5 hours. I will go home in the a.m. And am afraid at what I will hear. I have told her so many times how bad it hurts when she contacts or speaks to or trips over ow. I have screamed and yelled. Last time I said. No more screaming and yelling. I'm withdrawing. Keeping one foot out the door. So that's why I didn't go home. But I so afraid of what will happen when I do. If it's another BD IDK what I will do.
11/4/15 W revealed EA/2 months later became PA with co-worker Reconciling since late April 2016 Don't give up until it's time, then move on Be patient, strong and kind but never a doormat
Oh and about that "bad feeling"? It came on me after I received a notice that she turned off Find my iPhone. I'd laugh if it didn't hurt so much. Her excuse? IDK how that happened!
11/4/15 W revealed EA/2 months later became PA with co-worker Reconciling since late April 2016 Don't give up until it's time, then move on Be patient, strong and kind but never a doormat
Hi NYG, I'm sorry this happened. And I would agree that turning off 'find my phone' doesn't just happen. I do think in your sitch that there has been some pretty regular pushing of boundaries and it does sound as though some kind of contact is ongoing with OW.
So, what are you going to do now??
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
