Me and Midlife Wife and Midlife II

[Mach1]

Your actions do not match your words and IF I can see it…..so can your W.

Are you referring to the fact that I went on a date? Also understood if you are. If not please expand.

Simply ??

Words= you want to save your marriage, and aren't ready to date...


Actions= you go out on a date....


And a WAS can smell that, like a drug dog on a Cheech & Chong movie set...

[CT1118]

Your actions do not match your words and IF I can see it…..so can your W.

Are you referring to the fact that I went on a date? Also understood if you are. If not please expand.

Does that explain the constant questions? ex. "are you going on a date tonight?" "you look great, going on a date tonight?" "what are your plans this weekend?"

I don't answer these questions with anything but moving on with what was happening already in the conversation, they usually come during the "see ya later" part of exchanging our son.






Simply ??

Words= you want to save your marriage, and aren't ready to date...


Actions= you go out on a date....


And a WAS can smell that, like a drug dog on a Cheech & Chong movie set...

[Mach1]

Does that explain the constant questions? ex. "are you going on a date tonight?" "you look great, going on a date tonight?" "what are your plans this weekend?"

I don't answer these questions with anything but moving on with what was happening already in the conversation, they usually come during the "see ya later" part of exchanging our son.

It could...

I don't think that it is a bad thing ...

However, I wouldn't exactly say that it's a sign either...

Why do you think that she is asking those things ??

I just wanna hear what you are thinking....

[CT1118]

It could...
I don't think that it is a bad thing ...
However, I wouldn't exactly say that it's a sign either...
Why do you think that she is asking those things ??
I just wanna hear what you are thinking....

I think if I try to answer that I would be mind reading, and I am trying my best to be a day at a time. However, when I do allow myself to ponder it, I arrive at a few options: She is hoping at some point I will just say "yes, I am dating someone" to relieve her guilt from hurting me and for her dating someone else. -Or- she truly does mean the compliments and she is trying to figure out what motivated the changes b/c she is not in a place in her mind right now to connect the fact that perhaps, I made deliberate changes in myself, on my own and unprovoked by another woman b/c I saw/wanted to change things I did not like. -Or- she is really does wish to take a step towards me, but currently still feel too damaged, unready, confused, ashamed, etc. to feel like she can. That is all I have arrived at. I am not sure I back a particular horse, and I do suppose some hybrid of all of the above could exist on different days.

On the same lines of things I am not reading into are her deep hugs she has been giving me, the occasional cheek kisses, and the recent occasional "I love you"'s she has been dropping.If it was still June, I could still explain it, b/c at that time I thought the A was over, as she said, and I was still fixing/supporting/saving, but now, that is not happening.

I do validate per the Wonka roadmap I adopted from my early days to the board. I have rescued recently, but only as it involved my son. Ex being this past weekend when I drove through the flood water to pick him up so she did not have to drop him off (I have a hi-wheel 4x4 Jeep as I said, she does not, it was safer transport for my son, plus I had already been out, her car would not have made it). But on the flip, she called me tonight with "hey, how are you. I know its last minute and not your childcare night, but if you could take him, I will watch him an extra..."etc. I said no, I had things I had already planned to do.

So like I said, I am not sure where her motivation comes from and while I do allow thought on it, this is far from obsession or salivation in her direction.

[ericmsant2]

CT

what do those arrows pointing upward mean?

The arrows are used to point upwards. Usually because there is a reference that I am making on that specific quote. For an example see below.

I think if I try to answer that I would be mind reading, and I am trying my best to be a day at a time.

This ^^^^ one of the best things I have seen you post. Love it. Exactly what you should be doing. One day at a time….and no mind reading.

I have rescued recently, but only as it involved my son. Ex being this past weekend when I drove through the flood water to pick him up so she did not have to drop him off (I have a hi-wheel 4x4 Jeep as I said, she does not, it was safer transport for my son, plus I had already been out, her car would not have made it).

I would not have called this rescue. To me, I call it….going to make sure that you spend time with your son.

But on the flip, she called me tonight with "hey, how are you. I know its last minute and not your childcare night, but if you could take him, I will watch him an extra..."etc. I said no, I had things I had already planned to do.

IMO, I think was good on many levels. My only question/comment would be…. If you really did not have anything planned – then it is a tactic (still sometimes not a bad move).

So like I said, I am not sure where her motivation comes from and while I do allow thought on it, this is far from obsession or salivation in her direction.

Great place to be.

As far as the Wrangler, I had a 2013 (was my second one – I had a 2009 too) 4 door with 33’s, brush bars, fog lights in the front and on the brush bar, light bar on the top and small lights on the side. It was black…all black…with nice black rims. I still miss it but I really do love the ride I get in the Grand Cherokee. I would like to see if future models have a bit more power….ya know….throw a Hemi in it.

[AndrewP]

I had a 1998 Wrangler TJ. Lots of fun but it cost a fortune to maintain especially with the miles I drove. I never drove it aggressively off-road which was a shame. Not an issue for you people in the banana belt but it was nasty in the winter. Several times including once with an on-coming transport truck the rear skidded out on ice and I literally went spinning in doughnuts down the highway. Very scary stuff.

I replaced it after 320,000km with a Toyota Echo which actually did as good in deep snow as the TJ.

[CT1118]

Eric/AP - thank you for the replies. I do want to let MACH1 know I am still interested in his reply as well.

Eric, thank you for clarity on the arrows, I have wondered for a while and never got around to asking.

CT

I think if I try to answer that I would be mind reading, and I am trying my best to be a day at a time.

This ^^^^ one of the best things I have seen you post. Love it. Exactly what you should be doing. One day at a time….and no mind reading.

Thank you, and I did not even say it with any anticipation of pleasing my mentors

I would not have called this rescue. To me, I call it….going to make sure that you spend time with your son.

Yes, I would add not spending my time with him in the hospital for his hypothermia - I lost count of how many vehicles I saw wrecked/abandoned/flipped on that day with people standing around like "I can't believe my family sedan would not drive through 3 feet of overflowing swamp water".

IMO, I think was good on many levels. My only question/comment would be…. If you really did not have anything planned – then it is a tactic (still sometimes not a bad move).

So, this was good too, b/c I had just shared with a close friend this same day that I had bailed her out of a couple jams recently and I would not have if these jams did not posses the direct possibility of affecting my son's life towards the negative. Then later that day, I got to walk my talk. I did actually have something planned - I had planned to write a paper for a Graduate class which was due today, drink half a six pack, and then watch some HBO. I could have easily achieved the above after son was in bed, but, my son was not in trouble if I said no...so I did. She accepted my rejection cordially and without obvious disappointment or argument (something I may have received a couple of months ago). In all fairness to you via my answer, I have used a statement about having plans when I really didn't in the past, certainly as a tactic.

So like I said, I am not sure where her motivation comes from and while I do allow thought on it, this is far from obsession or salivation in her direction.

Great place to be.

Yes, but as a "compared to..." I had a very hard week - the last week. I was physically and mentally exhausted for many reasons. Some of them were my sitch, extreme GAL effort, but a whole lot were just work and how it has blown me up as of late. I hit a low in my efforts at life in general and felt very fed up; as in an "I am so GD tired" low, not a depressed low, it blurred my vision figuratively speaking. So why I caveat your comment - you are correct, I do feel where I am in this sitch of myself now vs my old self in indeed a great place to be...I cannot help but notice the ups and downs of where I am today still happen. However, they are different from before detachment.

Before detachment my ups and downs were emotional, needy, and generally just a sad reflection of the man I know myself to be. This period of me felt unrecoverable at times. Now, the downs, well, in short I do believe I am learning to accept the emotion, see it as natural, see it as normal, let it move through, know it will pass, and then get back to the positive progression after I let the engine cool.

As far as the Wrangler, I had a 2013 (was my second one – I had a 2009 too) 4 door with 33’s, brush bars, fog lights in the front and on the brush bar, light bar on the top and small lights on the side. It was black…all black…with nice black rims. I still miss it but I really do love the ride I get in the Grand Cherokee. I would like to see if future models have a bit more power….ya know….throw a Hemi in it.

Action speaks louder than words...in my opinion^^^^these are words.

You should get another jeep, you will miss it. I have an '06 with the stright 6 AMC engine, manual 6 speed transmission. Love driving that thing.

These ^^^^^ are actions.

(I hope you are getting my sense of humor at this point my friend, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery!) In all seriousness, I owned a '94 cherokee prior to two Wranglers and I beat that thing down on many a trail, she got up smiling each time - even when I hit a deer at 55mph, lost the radiator into the fan, and drove another 30 miles with the heat on full blast to vent the engine.

I had a 1998 Wrangler TJ. Lots of fun but it cost a fortune to maintain especially with the miles I drove. I never drove it aggressively off-road which was a shame. Not an issue for you people in the banana belt but it was nasty in the winter. Several times including once with an on-coming transport truck the rear skidded out on ice and I literally went spinning in doughnuts down the highway. Very scary stuff.

I had a '98 with a 4" lift prior to my current '06. It died a noble death after two consecutive weekends on the beach in Outer Banks, NC on sand trails followed by a weekend in West Virginia at my parents retirement land where I put it against granite and mud. A cylinder blew on the ride home, I drove the remaining 80 miles on three cylinders over blue highways smoking oil the whole way - got there and "pieced it out" on craigs list for 1/2 recovery of what I paid for it - only one Jeep.

[Mach1]

I think if I try to answer that I would be mind reading, and I am trying my best to be a day at a time. However, when I do allow myself to ponder it, I arrive at a few options: She is hoping at some point I will just say "yes, I am dating someone" to relieve her guilt from hurting me and for her dating someone else. -Or- she truly does mean the compliments and she is trying to figure out what motivated the changes b/c she is not in a place in her mind right now to connect the fact that perhaps, I made deliberate changes in myself, on my own and unprovoked by another woman b/c I saw/wanted to change things I did not like. -Or- she is really does wish to take a step towards me, but currently still feel too damaged, unready, confused, ashamed, etc. to feel like she can. That is all I have arrived at. I am not sure I back a particular horse, and I do suppose some hybrid of all of the above could exist on different days.

On the same lines of things I am not reading into are her deep hugs she has been giving me, the occasional cheek kisses, and the recent occasional "I love you"'s she has been dropping.If it was still June, I could still explain it, b/c at that time I thought the A was over, as she said, and I was still fixing/supporting/saving, but now, that is not happening.

Just seeing that you had thoughts about it, was what I expected...

Seeing that you are probably correct on most of those levels, was a little unexpected...

Seeing you type that it doesn't really matter about her, this is about my journey now, and IF she is there at the end, then that will be a bonus...

Was what I was hoping for....





What ? you were expecting something different ?

Ya gotta watch those expectations....

[ericmsant2]

CT

(I hope you are getting my sense of humor at this point my friend, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery!)

I do.

[CT1118]

Seeing you type that it doesn't really matter about her, this is about my journey now, and IF she is there at the end, then that will be a bonus...

Was what I was hoping for....

From a few posts above the one you replied on...

Where I know there is more than one future, in anyone of them I will be OK. I feel really good about that.

Perhaps not exactly the same as the 'hope', but a close as I have right now. Does not seem too far away.

What ? you were expecting something different ?

Ya gotta watch those expectations....

Mach - you delivered my expectations entire, Eric always does too...honest observation. Criticism and compliments welcomed alike, learning how to receive this and excited about it. From you - i heard the control loud and clear...working hard. From Wonka (via 5LL), I realized I am the affirmation. From Eric, I realized I am an addict for praise and reward based behavior. Signaled - time to get to work.

Of course others have assisted and other lessons learned - in this particular response though... well, much appreciated.

Back to day wages now...