Now if I was to remarry, I would not have expectations that the new husband would have to support and take care of my child. That would not be fair to him. But that lifestyle that comes with having a child is not easy and not for everyone. Regardless. I don't even know how to navigate something like that. I haven't thought that far in advance, but how can it not be difficult?
But why be with me when I cannot offer that honeymoon period of travel and dating and irresponsibility? Right now, this guys adores me because of the superficial stuff which is unsustaining. I worry that after a certain amount of time, i lose my appeal and become mundane and am valued less, which is what happened with husband. Real life is not fun. So what's in it for him if it's not his kid, And the lifestyle itself is not appealing? What keeps someone around? Will love and committment exist for me? My fear comes from no longer having trust that ones partner will be as committed as I am.
I do fear growing attachéd to someone only having to grieve or be rejected by them. I don't necessarily feel needy.
I don't worry about sex, because I like sex, and my experience (and that of many of my friends and women that I talk to) is one in which the husband was unable to. In fact, it's a big motivator for me in wanting a relationship with someone. Because I'm incapable of emotionless sex or one night stands.
Jjb, I have a colleage who's D with 2 kids. Her H cheated on her when she was pregnant with the 2nd kid, and he even took the ow back into the house when she was still in the house with her kids.
She has been dating a single, never-married guy for at least a year and she's gone on vacations with him and the kids. Their relationship seems pretty stable.
So there are guys like that.
Just don't fight me for them.
You can call me Dory/ Grl.
As a wise fish once sang,"Just keep swimming!"
It's no use to go back to yesterday because I was a different person then.
Working on your worthiness before entering a relationship I think is a must. Or really give it some effort while working on the relationship. I understand where you are coming from. I felt if I wasn't worth it for my ex to stay right after having our hard-fought for child, I must not be worth anything.
I share the same exact fears as you regarding sacrifice.
I have realized that to the right guy you and your child won't seem like so much of a sacrifice. It's in the perception. Being with you and your son through the good and the bad may seem like a dream to him, seriously! it may be what he wants in life. A family.
I do think we sacrifice when we have kids, but I view it more as a trade-off in some areas. Life may change, but people welcome that change.
To speak to what Zues said, I do agree. Sex does not have to go away. Date nights might not be as often, but they do not have to go away. There may be just as much joy in going apple picking with you and your kid as there is hanging out at the bar. I realize that with the right guy, that's the way life would be. it is realistic. I know a good deal of guys who are like that.
And Zues, there are women with a very good sexual appetite. Yes, our sex drive is fueled differently than men's most often. But it isn't a chore to all of us;)
Hey juju. Thanks for speaking up on the other thread. Don't take the backlash to heart. I appreciate what you said and understand where you were coming from. As for me, I won't post on that thread again myself. Not as a punishment because but simply because it's clear that poster and I won't have anything constructive to accomplish. He won't appreciate what I have to say, and I don't need more drama in my life either. I've learned through this process there will be people that appreciate me and people that don't, I'm not here to change that, just sort through and spend time where it makes sense.
Originally Posted By: JujuB
So basically my husband, like many bachelors, liked being able to sleep late, liked being able to spend his money on anything, liked having no demands put on him.
When there is a child, there are demands. One cannot sleep late. One cannot spend like they once were able to. Children's toys everywhere. Family vacation to Sesame Street place instead of seasons football tickets and tail gating every other weekend. A wife that no longer dresses up and physically looks and acts like she once did. Instead she's a mom.
So why would a single guy electively choose that life when it's not even his kid?
I hear this J. But can't you also say that when you're in a relationship, there are also demands? Demands that you make your partner a priority and don't let them get backburnered behind the stress and day to day tasks that life throws at us?
Much of the budget must go towards securing the family, but can't there be some set aside for some splurging on occasion? Most days demand rising at the crack of dawn, but can't there be a weekend here and there where one can lounge around? Kids must be engaged and entertained, but can't there be some adult trips where the kids can be left with a family member? Appearance can be practical most days, but can't there be some date nights with mature outfits both for out of the home and back at home?
It seems logical that there is a balance needed. It's not an all or nothing. So what I've been trying to figure out is whether you feel it was your WAH that couldn't reach that balance and wouldn't budge an inch, or whether it was you that was out of balance and upset that he had expectations and demands either of you or for his own space. Or was it a combination that started to slip, and then turned into a freefall as you both fought for what you needed and resented the other for not meeting in the middle?
My best friend is going through that. He, like me, is a champion pool player. He is one of the most talented players in the country, who's life dream was to train and compete, and who has just a few years left before he's past his prime. His dream life would be to wake up, go to the gym and work out, then practice pool, then compete on the weekends in major events, trying to win a major tournament before it's too late.
His wife, on the other hand, doesn't understand why pool is so important to him. She is a marriage therapist so knows 'in her head' that it is important to him, and tries to respect that...but she wants him working full time to provide for the family, then with the kids in the evenings, and with her on the weekends.
They have gotten into serious jams because of this clash. My friend is committed to his marriage and won't walk or kill himself, but he has reached the point at times where he wishes he could just head out with his car and pool cue, or where he feels so trapped he wants to end it if it weren't for the children he would leave behind.
They are now in counseling, and one thing they are working on is a fixed schedule, clearly outlining his budget for how much time he can invest into pool and competition, and how much time he is willing to commit to the family. He is willing to work full time, be the family dad at night, and be with her on most weekends...in exchange, she is willing to accept that he'll be practicing 1 night a week, part of 1 day per weekend, and 1 weekend per month where he'll be out doing his own thing.
At first he felt this was rather restrictive. He believes she should just 'understand what he needs', 'feel what he feels', and just support him. He thinks things should just work out 'organically'. I was a big believer in the schedule.
See, without the schedule, things are murky. Both people can fear that their needs will be diminished, neglected, and forgotten. When a week or two go by where their needs are pushed into the background, it's easy to start feeling resentful, or extrapolating how things are getting worse, or how you can't live like this forever, etc.
But with a schedule he can handle making some sacrifices and missing a big tournament one weekend knowing that he has a trip out of state coming up with me in a few weeks. And she can rest easy while he's out of town knowing that he'll be back Monday and will be there for her for the count.
For me, personally, I would have LOVED something like this in some areas of my marriage. My XW was very opposed to sex being scheduled or negotiated, she was of the opinion that it should happen 'organically', that it shouldn't be a 'chore', and that there was something wrong with me if I wanted that from her if she wasn't in the mood to give it. But to me love is an act, not a feeling, and I DID need her, and it would've meant a lot for her to meet my needs despite how she felt, rather than neglecting me and making me responsible for her lack of actions by blaming her resentment on me. In turn I know I neither handled that well, carrying my own resentment and letting my obligations to the family slide as well.
So, with that all said...do you think you'd be able to find a middle ground and remain committed to making your own sacrifices to putting a relationship as the top spot in your life while you balance that with your commitments to your family? If you do, I don't see why any man would have an issue doing the same (although it might be difficult to negotiate at times). It's when the relationship becomes the shock absorbers for life and takes the brunt of the sacrifice that the love account goes into the red.
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
Be careful of Judgement. Men are this, women are like that.
We are all different and many of us loving.
You aren't the same as you were with WH formerly referred to as jackass, (now referred to as Jackass).
Accepting loving and care from those who are great and give it freely. And your child is part of the package of love. So it is, not entitlement positive or negative. How might you deny a future loving partner the opportunity to extend that to you.
Let go of positive and negative expectations.
Just please
V
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
So what, specifically, are you thinking you won't be able to do for your new man? Do you want mental permission to go a year at a time without sex if you are overwhelmed with life? Do you want him to know that you won't be able to spend much time with him in the evenings? Are you thinking he'll get frustrated because you can't go out to the bar at night with you on weeknights? Where, SPECIFICALLY, is it that you think he's going to feel fed up?
So I really do wonder what it is you need your partner to be able to sacrifice, and why you feel you are unable to provide what your partner will need from you?
My only other question is whether you think he'll change, or you will? If you can't go out to the bars now, wouldn't he understand the lifestyle of what it takes to be with someone with a kid? Do you think HE will change and want more? Or do you think you are needy now and willing to do anything to feel better, but when you are feeling better YOU won't want to have to put so much into it?
.
Just to add...Specifically, I worry about the uncontrollable changes that come up in life. I will age, there will be younger, beautiful women out there. I can get sick or injured. I will not be as desirable as time goes on and Sex is no longer as exciting as it was in the beginning. New Husband might decide he does not want to sacrifice monogamy. So yes I worry about my changes causing him to change and perhaps wanting more. And I worry about how these changes contribute to impermanence of a marriage or infidelity. In my fantasy, marriage withstood change. But it really doesn't.
JellyB recently posted on your thread about the ability to accept that things change. I know that's a part of buddhism and spirituality. And perhaps the key to peaceful thinking. But for me it's hard, because I view change as great loss.
It's funny, because my husband had changed for the worse and I never would have left him or been unfaithful to him, but I'm not sure if I will find a partner like me in that aspect.
Ginger,yes... It definatly comes down to working on my worthiness. That I would be worthy of love regardless of getting older/ losing a job/ getting sick or unattractive, etc...and that's hard to work on. It's funny how things circle. When I first came on these forums under my old name, another poster had discussed with me the concept of core beliefs...which I think is as simple as basic, healthy self esteem. Discovering who I am at the core, which is really an unknown without all the experiences of life no?
Vanilla, thank you... Having no expectations from someone and just accepting them for what they offer in the present has actually been working. My negative fears do frequently pop up though. The good thing is that this time around, I keep them to myself and to you guys! And no I'm not the same, thank god. I was not a cool wife at all. For so many reasons!
Just to add...Specifically, I worry about the uncontrollable changes that come up in life. I will age, there will be younger, beautiful women out there. I can get sick or injured. I will not be as desirable as time goes on and Sex is no longer as exciting as it was in the beginning. New Husband might decide he does not want to sacrifice monogamy. So yes I worry about my changes causing him to change and perhaps wanting more. And I worry about how these changes contribute to impermanence of a marriage or infidelity. In my fantasy, marriage withstood change. But it really doesn't.
JujuB,
I'v got two points to make. First, some of the things you're worrying about you can't really control. You could die in a car accident tomorrow, but worrying about that today is a useless exercise. Second, it's possible to get better as you age. When I was 51 I ran an ultramarathon. I ran the full distance, I never walked, and I finished with a very good time. I couldn't have done that when I was younger. We old folks can kick @ss, it's just that most of us choose to be old.
