Here we go again....

[sandi2]

It's great you are working out and I congratulate you on the weight loss. It's so unfair how men can lose much faster than women. Anyway, keep it up.

When do plan to stop catering to her? You have co-dependent ways and admit you are a nice guy (actually, I think you are rather proud of your NG ways), and except for trying to cut down on the texting through the day, I fail to see what you are doing differently.

She goes out to meet for a girls night out, and leaves you home with the kids. When do you go out with friends and leave her home with the kids till after 1:00 a.m.? What do you do to GAL? Other than workout....(which to me, is not GAL....b/c it's not fun, it's work).

You have mentioned over & over how hard it is to not do such & such. You'll say, "I know I shouldn't have, but it's just so hard". Matt, nobody said this would be easy. If anything, you may have been warned that it would be the hardest thing you've ever done. But the thing is.........nobody else can do this but you. Sure it's hard. Is it worth it? Are you going to give up b/c it's hard? Is that going to continue being your excuse?

Tell me something. What would you be doing in this situation, ordinarily, if you weren't trying to DB? That's what I'm trying to see. What are you doing differently than what you'd do if everything was fine?

[matw]

When do plan to stop catering to her? You have co-dependent ways and admit you are a nice guy (actually, I think you are rather proud of your NG ways), and except for trying to cut down on the texting through the day, I fail to see what you are doing differently.

She goes out to meet for a girls night out, and leaves you home with the kids. When do you go out with friends and leave her home with the kids till after 1:00 a.m.? What do you do to GAL? Other than workout....(which to me, is not GAL....b/c it's not fun, it's work).

You have mentioned over & over how hard it is to not do such & such. You'll say, "I know I shouldn't have, but it's just so hard". Matt, nobody said this would be easy. If anything, you may have been warned that it would be the hardest thing you've ever done. But the thing is.........nobody else can do this but you. Sure it's hard. Is it worth it? Are you going to give up b/c it's hard? Is that going to continue being your excuse?

Tell me something. What would you be doing in this situation, ordinarily, if you weren't trying to DB? That's what I'm trying to see. What are you doing differently than what you'd do if everything was fine?

I needed to read this today because you are right. I am not doing any GALing at all. I am basically playing family and doing everything I did before she told me she was going to get the apartment. I think it hit me pretty hard last night how much I am co-dependent and am way to nice to her (NG ways). That is one of the things I want to talk the counselor I am going to see later this month. I continue to put her feelings in front of mine and I need to stop. I need to think long and hard about my GAL activities and detach from her. Thanks Sandi.. I have a lot of thinking & action to do..

[matw]

So last night I realized how much I haven't detached at all... The W comes home from working out and I start bombarding her with questions.. just to get her talking to me.. nothing serious just questions. I realize that I am looking to her for my happiness. As most of know the Walk Away Spouse is usually very resentful, hateful, will spew, give short answer, etc.. Instead of walking away and letting it roll of me I continue to ask her What is wrong? What is on her mind? This just makes her even angrier. She starts to rewrite history and how I am smothering her to much. I now realizing that I will never be able to fix her no matter what I do... I guess it was sort of eye opening. Just sort of rambling here because last night I really do see that she isn't interested me in the least. I need to start protecting myself emotionally and detach or I am going to go crazy.

[BluWave]

So as soon as you are done reading DR, I would encourage you to read about nice guy syndrome by Glover. This has been life changing for my H, who was silently suffering for his entire life, being a people pleaser and for women especially. He is near recovery (sounds silly) but it does take time to understand and change. It's worth your while because most likely some of this has contributed to the breakdown of your M and her losing respect for you.

It's going to be counterintuitive because it goes against what you have always believed in life. Were you by chance raised by an overbearing or critical mother? Did you grow up feeling that you needed to stuff your feelings and put others before yourself? Was it easier just to be nice and make things easier than speak your mind or express your feelings? If any of this rings true, then it's time to take a look. An IC can also help you explore how you were raised with these beliefs and how it may now be working against you.

I completely agree with TxHubby in that people want what they can't have and usually the wayward does the 180 when the LBS gives up. I think the same is said for a WH as a WW. This is certainly what happened in my sitch too. I am not super popular with some of the women LBS posters her because I tend not to agree with being friendly, available, or trying to nice your way back to R. Even if it gets results, I don't think it ultimately will bring them back. Men want a wife that is not sitting their pining for them while they are cheating and walking all over them! I want to see more ladies (and men) understand their worth, stand tall, and move on without the wayward.

Women (and men) are attracted to someone that is strong, confident, and has it together. If someone is actively trying to leave you and you are nice and available, they will only lose respect. It sounds like your wife has lost respect for you and is cake eating, by enjoying family time and protecting that image for the kids. So if she moves out and has a new BF, will you still want the friendship with her? If not, it's time to take a giant step back, don't answer to her, and all she needs to know is that you have a lot to think about now. That's it.

Blu

[Bworl]

Mat,
You're hoping against all hope that she is going to change her mind about the apartment. As a result, you are avoiding anything that might upset her and make her firm up her resolve to leave.

Isn't that right? Honestly?

You should be thinking about solidifying some of the standard operating procedures for when she leaves. And, by the way, that $300/month rental assistance should come off the table. Who has the kids when? How will you handle transfers and pickups? How will you handle marital bills, if there are any? Changing locks/keys for the house, since she should no longer have access once she's moved in to her own place.

These won't be fun. I predict she'll get really mad at you and lash out.

But they are the reality, right? If you're a nice guy, I bet you can find a way to do this reasonably and logically, not spitefully and vindictively - though I know it will be tearing you up inside.

Marriage requires commitment by both spouses. Period.

Blessings,
Bill

[matw]

So as soon as you are done reading DR, I would encourage you to read about nice guy syndrome by Glover. This has been life changing for my H, who was silently suffering for his entire life, being a people pleaser and for women especially. He is near recovery (sounds silly) but it does take time to understand and change. It's worth your while because most likely some of this has contributed to the breakdown of your M and her losing respect for you.

Blu -

Just want to say thank you so much for the information on Robert Glover's book. I got it today and it describes a lot of my life in detail. It explains a lot of the way I act and why I do a lot of the things I do. Its given me a lot to think about and why I am having such a hard time setting boundaries, doing GAL, etc... I am going to continue reading it and will check back in to this thread after the weekend.

[matw]

Mat,
You're hoping against all hope that she is going to change her mind about the apartment. As a result, you are avoiding anything that might upset her and make her firm up her resolve to leave.

Isn't that right? Honestly?

Bill,

You are right... I hate to admit it but that is exactly what I am hoping for. Been doing a lot of reading today about NG Syndrome and realizing a lot of my actions I am doing is because of FEAR. I need to do some thinking and then start to work on some action because what I am doing right now isn't working... I appreciate you stopping by and giving me some insight.

[matw]

So I had a decent weekend. Went to get my hair cut and then to the gym Saturday morning. Be awhile since I got a haircut and was looking pretty shaggy. That is one thing I need to start doing on a more regular basis just for myself. Went and got the kids from my parents who were watching them while I was running those errands. W came home from work and working out about 1:30 or so. My parents had offered to watch the kids so the W and I could go and see a movie. So W and I went to see the Accountant and then went out to dinner. We actually had a lot of fun. No R talks, no holding hands during the movie, nothing.. more like just hanging out.

On Sunday the W and I went to the gym together. Again more just hanging out, laughing, having a good time. When she moves into the apartment we want to get our sons cell phones so they have the ability to contact either parent. We plan on having the talk with them next week. Ended up not getting over to the cell store because we were running out of time. Went home and meal prepped our food the rest of the week. Then out of the blue she send me an email that I will paste into the next post. Need some advice as to what I do with it... After dinner the W went up to take a bath and I took the kids for a walk. Then got everybody ready for bed and the W and I watched some TV before going to bed ourselves.

So again really just playing family for now.. and you will see when you read the email below.

[matw]

So here if the email -

First, I want to apologize for a rough week. I know I wasn't being very nice or open. It was a rough week with everything and I am struggling with the kids and not sure why or what to do about it.

Second, I did have fun with you this weekend which is good and bad.

I want to try and explain things from me and I am not sure if it will help or not but I feel like we are always up and down and I just want to try and clear some things up. I know neither of us are looking forward to the changes especially the conversation with the kids but I still haven't changed how I feel about moving out and us.

I do have a lot of fun with you and of course I care about you and your well being both physically and mentally. And I know this may not help you or clear things up for you but I will try. I know we have a lot of fun together and this weekend was fun just joking around and giving each other [censored].I want you to know that I do like that about our time together and that is the best for me. I like you as my friend and I like when we hang out and I know this may not make much sense but I feel like we almost ruin that by being together. Like being together brings out complications, expectations, and things out in each other that we may not like. I know you will always support me and my decisions and I will always support you and your decisions and I don't think that will ever stop and nor will I ever stop.

However, I do know that even though we have fun together it can also be confusing for us and for feelings and what not.

I don't necessarily want to talk about anything right now but I guess what I am trying to say is I value you and our friendship and am struggling to respect you as well as boundaries. I know you want to work on this marriage and keep talking about that but right now I am just trying to work on myself and it's hard to think about both but I do appreciate you and everything your doing.



So my take reading this is that she has lost all respect for me as her husband. She is now considering me just a friend and one that will pretty much do anything for her. The part about working on the marriage and keep talking about that I think comes from the fact I told her if we weren't going to be together than I wasn't going to take care of her financially earlier in the day. Just need some advice and wondering what everybody thinks.

[sandi2]

Yep, you've been friend-zoned. That's why that stuff doesn't work with wayward wives. She might as well be your gay friend b/c she feels no sparks for you. The chemistry is not there for her.......and you can be her BFF till the cows come home, and she still won't feel attraction.

I think it's great when a couple has tons of fun together, but there needs to be chemistry.....too, or they might as well be brother & sister.

Have you finished your books yet?