Focus on Me and the Boys 9

[J5K]

So I called to speak to the boys as they asked me to call when we drove up. I spoke to all but S8. STBX said he is upset and that he did not want to talk. I said that is ok. Then she denied me speaking with S2, he was eating dinner and then she called me back a few minutes after he was done and I was able to speak with him. Then she starts into shoe sizes are small and I stated the shoes are new and the feet were measured before I bought them. She starts spewing sizes that are a full size incorrect. I tried not to get emotional and stood my ground but she would not stop so I hung up.

She calls back and we argue more, about the D and how she did everything she could to keep the boys and that I was inflexible. I stood my ground and stated that things changed when you fired me as your H. She said she now has a new boyfriend that she has been seeing for a while. I told her I am glad she is happy. She said she knew I was not going to change and do the right thing and have the boys come live with her and good luck to me in raising them. She said we will see how good they turn out when they grow up. She said Toronto is a better place to raise them than Michigan.

She asked what the status is on the car getting fixed and I told her we are still waiting for the engine and if she is that concerned she should call the dealership herself. She also asked why I have not shared the boys school schedule and I stated that I gave her email when I signed them up. I also stated if she was that concerned with what is going on then she can call the school directly and get whatever information she needed. I told her I am not her secretary anymore.

She went and bought clothes for the boys for this weekend since she did not have any. I said next time I will improve my communication with her to ensure the boys have the appropriate things when they visit.

All in all not a good conversation as we both said things that has been typical between us, high conflict!

Why do I want to be in an R with this person?

Why can't I let go?

I have to get out of this rut and get my crap together for the boys. Same theme all the time from me that everyone is reading. I am sorry I am having such a difficult time with this and that everyone has to hear me say the same things over and over.

She has gotten into my head so much I don't know what is right anymore. Very frustrated! She has me almost convinced I am an introverted narcissist.

I also drove by the house she is building that she is supposed to move into in November. I wanted to see if there were condos near by IF I even move up here. None that I could see and the house she is building doesn't even have brick on it. It is framed, roof is installed, doors and windows and insulation on the outside. At best she may get in there sometime first quarter of next year. So my boys would have been living with her at her parents for God knows how long until the house was done. Anyway not mine to worry about. I have to improve blocking things with STBX.

STBX thinks I am here to party for the weekend, did not respond. Nothing but spew from her. She also made many comments about not having a plan when she has the boys this summer as a SAHM, she said she doesn't know how she is going to pay for anything, I validate with that must be frustrating and tough to plan. It's like she is subliminally telling me, I am not well and still need Jim to take care of me while I cake eat even after the D. What do I do with this? Nothing! File it away and be done with it.

Going to go have dinner and a glass of wine to wind down and then get some sleep and put this day behind me. Baby steps, parallel parent first.

[J5K]

Ah yes, one more thing. I asked her if she will be exercising her co-parenting time in Michigan per the custody arrangement. She stated she did not know and that that is not what the custody arrangement states. I stated that she should review the document again with her L. She said she doesn't have money yet and would have to spend hundreds of dollars on hotels and 3 meals a day if she came down to do every other weekend. I stated that I understood since that is what you agreed upon. I know, I never should have said "what you agreed upon".

[lt0402]

JK, sorry you're having to go through this with her, even after the agreements are in place. You are a great father and shouldn't worry about what she says about you (easier said than done, I know). Don't doubt yourself for a minute!

If anything, her instability should continue to push you to know you made the right decision in keeping the boys. You are a rock for those boys. Don't let her avalanche consume them!

Stay strong brother. This drama too will pass.

[J5K]

Jim, I have followed your story for a long time. Would you mind reposting the reasons you had for staying in MI and keeping the boys there? I wonder if you have forgotten them. I don't remember them all.

Painter,

The reason I stayed in Michigan was because my family and friends are there. Cost of living is less expensive there. Future opportunity for promotions for the company I work for.

STBX states the following: Quality of life is better in Toronto, education system is more consistent and better in Ontario than in the US.

Last night when we argued on the phone she basically reiterated those feelings again.

DB coach asked me to list things objectively on the differences between living in Michigan and Toronto. I have to say that I agree with STBX after I did research on the education system and quality of life. Canada is rated #2 for quality of life. It includes health, happiness of people, and many other categories that define quality of life.

If I eliminate the R between STBX and I, then I really cannot disagree with her.

Last night she still kept saying I work in Canada and I had to remind her that I did not any longer. Then she said well you are working in Toronto this weekend. She knows that I can still transfer here and is upset that I am not. I am sure she feels like I am doing this out of spite to punish her.

I agree with Rose, you didn't have to let your ex adopt 5 boys if you had concerns. That's a HUGE decision that you should have been in full agreement about. Blaming her (and yes, you do that a lot, even for things she does not have the power to decide) is not right.

I did push back quite a bit, we had many arguments over this and yet she kept moving forward with the adoption. Not blaming her, these boys are both our responsibility and we need to own up to taking care of them regardless if we are together or not.

It's also incredible to read that your reply to the psychologist's concern is that you do not have control over Ex. You were just given control over most of their time, but you want to give it away?

Before you declare to everyone that you're changing your plans, please discuss this in depth with a counselor for yourself. You have said before that you tend to make decisions based on emotions, and you just can't afford to do that.

I am slowing down. Not going to make any moves in the short term. I will give it additional time.

I think the travel may not be as bad as you think. Are you sure you're not looking for an excuse to go live near Ex? To keep in close touch daily? She could make your life hell. She has already showed what she is capable of. Did you forget she threatened you? That she bullies you in order to get her way?

You need to let the feelings you have for her stabilize with the new reality before you make this huge move.

I am not looking to live near her to get back together with her. I cannot change an angry, miserable person who is selfish. Her perception is that Toronto is a better place to live for the boys. She feels I am keeping them in Michigan to punish her. She knows I can get a transfer to live here. Her arguments now are strictly for the boys. I get her perspective and am not opposed to it, maybe because I am too nice and easy going. As many have stated, give it a little time and let's see how this works out for the next few months before making any decisions.

I can tell you it is nice to be in a city with lots of people.

I can also tell you that STBX does not have a plan regardless of custody arrangement. She has no idea how she will sustain living in the house her parents are buying. Without the support of her parents, she would be truly lost.

STBX does not know if she will be exercising her every other weekend parenting time in Michigan. She would have to pay for hotel and 3 meals a day. She also does not know how she will raise the boys in the summer. She did not say that she is going to look for a job, but she sounded confused on the phone as she had no plan.

I bought the LRT videos from MWD and have viewed them. Going to post my thoughts later about what I learned and understood from them.

Lastly,

Last night I had a dream about STBX. I offered her to be in an open marriage and she accepted the offer so that we would both be able to live with the boys and raise them. WTF!

[J5K]

Well, had a nice Canadian Thanksgiving with a great friend and his family. Lots of laughter and fun and the food was delicious.

STBX has now realized that she will incur costs to have her 2nd weekend in Michigan if she wants to see the boys more than once a month, may have to go to court tomorrow to revise paperwork. Ugh. All she is asking is to reduce her child support from $50 dollars per month to zero since she will be dropping about 5K per year on her visits with the boys in Michigan.

Painter,

I hope I answered your questions before on the reasons I stayed in Michigan. Not sure if you plan on commenting.

[J5K]

Just spoke with L. She explained to me since neither STBX or I showed up in court last Friday that is why the delay happened and moved to tomorrow.

L says that someone needs to go to court to state there was a breakdown in the M. I asked L well what if I went in and stated under oath that this is fixable. What would the judge say. L said she has no idea but could possibly dismiss and not grant the D. L recommends I do not do that.

Thoughts?

[Ginger1]

What do you expect to happen if the D gets dismissed? Is there a benefit to you and the boys if this happens?

[J5K]

Well, looks like it is rescheduled for October 21st now.

[J5K]

Ginger,

No, it would mean we are still M and would for sure make STBX upset. If I state that things are fixable maybe the judge will ask what STBX wanted to fix then I could list the items. I do not know what STBX will say about how the M brokedown. Her only argument would be is she does not want to be married to me anymore. Then we would be back to square one of STBXs request of wanting me to move and have the boys live with her and pay what STBX originally requested and allow her to still be wayward. Boys would not have a clue on how wayward STBX is so for them, they would only recognize mom and dad going back to mom's original plan.

[Painter]

Hi Jim,

I saw your reply - it was sort of moot since you have decided to give it some time.

It sounds like a very confusing time for you. I can see you have a lot of different moving parts to relate to, legally, practically and emotionally. Are you seeing an IC for yourself? I think it would be good for you to talk to someone and map out your options.

I get your urge to go to court and be honest about how you feel about your M. I'm a little surprised that for the insane amounts of money you are paying the L, you're not getting better information and preparation for the process. Did the L not tell you that you and WW needed to be there for this? I'm sure you're getting charged for the L's time, right?