So, I've turned a bit of a corner in the last week. A series of events, some wisdom from lovely people, and reading here, have brought me to a realization. I was better at DB than I have previously given myself credit for. It's easier to focus on the wrong, and what could have been better, especially for a perfectionist like myself. So I was inspired by a person dear to me to post what I did do that was right. Some of these things I did all along, some took me time to master, but by the time I let go of him, I had few backslides.
I kept strong boundaries with WH and told him clearly what I would put up with and what I wouldn't. I did not let him close to me--physically or emotionally--until he cut off contact with OW, offered transparency, and was committed to the M 100%. I demanded the respect I deserved.
I was honest with him, and while at times this showed my vulnerability, he also knew where I stood and what my position was. I beat myself up the times I let him see my emotions, because it was not in DB form, but I can see now that it also helped him see me for who I was. Even though I didn't trust him, he knew he could trust me and that I meant what I said. Even in his fog, he trusted my words.
I protected my children from his behavior and his R with OW. Everyone told me that I couldn't control him and what he did, but my instincts told me to never stop trying. I was clear with him that I would never be okay with him bringing the kids around her and that it would be damaging to them. He didn't. And even though she tried, he knew I was right and he didn't.
While my GAL and 180s were a frequent struggle, I never gave up trying. I still exercised, did nice things for myself, and went to IC every week. I invested a lot of time in my Rs with other people, family, friends, and I still was able to create good memories in an otherwise dark time.
I started to plan my life without him, consulted Ls, and told him that I would be fine without him. I realized eventfully that this was true. I also realized that I didn't want a person that could give up on me and our family and that if he wasn't wiling to work for it, he wasn't good enough anyhow. It took me a long time to accept this but I did.
I blew it all the time--several nasty texts, lashing out, and even cried and begged in the early months. Overtime I stopped altogether. Most importantly I still woke us the next morning, went to work, took care of my kids, and kept on going. I can see now that those backslides did not prevent him from coming back, but showed him that I was still human and also reminded him that he was in fact hurting me. I didn't pretend I was fine when I wasn't, but I was human and imperfect.
I have been really hard on myself because I made a lot of mistakes. When reading here now I can see that we are all human and we ALL make mistakes. Beating ourselves up does not move us forward. We teach others how to treat us. I am so much stronger now than I ever was before any of this happened. Another silver lining and there will be more to come. I believe it, therefore I know it to be true. We create our own destiny.
So I no longer regret all my mistakes because they got me where I am today. My future will be bright no matter who is in it. Yours will be too if you decide you want that.
Blu
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
Great post Blu. Maybe the principles of DB are eventually instinctual after we have done all the things that don't work and MWD's books are a way of making us see this much ealier on so we don't go through months of doing the wrong things?
I think my instinct to let this go is kicking in but it hurts even more now that I am being forced to make a decision I don't want. But like you say life still goes on especially if you have kids you have to creat some sort of normality for them eventually.
I know me and D will be okay. I guess for me it's looking at those mountains I still have to climb over to get there but I still don't think I have the right gear to make those climbs. Maybe it's just taking that leap of faith to the other side in the knowledge that I will survive, I need to get that into my head.
Thanks for all your advice and support Blu. Without you I think I would still be dancing to H's tune desperate to get him back whilst making myself look like a doormat!!
Me - 47 H - 45 D-16 M - 6 years Separated - May 16
Don't leave me behind can't you see me I'm shining... (Years & Years - 'Shine')
This was something I needed to read blu. You know my struggles. But I see the mistakes we all make. Like you say, it's coming to the realisation that you will be fine and that you deserve more. That's the penny that needs to drop for me. I know that we will be fine without him, I would have my babies, I can financially cope, I have good r's with my family and some amazing friends. Friends who have been there for all the struggles in my life and stay by my side. He doesn't have that, he is friends with users all about there own agenda, and when they have got what they need from him, they will drop him.
Me 26 H 25 M 4 T 5 Baby born 4/14 BD: 1/15 EA: 2/15 PA: 4/15 reconciling: 4/15 ILYBINILWY- 11/15 ILY-1/16 ILYBNILWY 4/16 ILY 6/16 ILYBINILWY 6/16 Baby due 3/17 BD 8/16
Great post Blu. I need to remember the "why do I want someone that gave up on us" and if they don't wanna work for us we deserve better. You are right we are human and we make mistakes but we all will be ok because we will survive.
W:42 M:48 T:9 yrs M:1yr BD: Feb 2016 EA Confirmed: Feb 2016/PA July 2016 D: Feb 2017
I was reading this thread and, because of your user name, it reminded me of a Bees Gees song titled "Blue Island" (lyrics below).
------------------
Living in a world that dies within, you are they who try and touch the wind. You could be the blessed one that makes me love you.
And doing what you've never done before, taking every wave that hits the shore, you could be a silver star that shines on my blue island. It's gonna be a blue island. See you on a blue island. Take you to a blue island.
Blue island.
You can see the rain. You can feel the pain that no part of me is going through.
Everybody say we can find a way. Do you know the place you're going to?
You're going to a blue island.
This is what the lonely heart must know. This is what it takes to make it grow. You could be a child alone. But you may save the world.
Maybe it's the words that mean goodbye. There but for the grace of God go I. I can see an open door that leads to my blue island.
Gonna be a blue island. See you on a blue island. Take you to a blue island.
Lately I have been pondering on the process for the WS to realize how bad what they did was and truly feel remorse. In my case, my WW recently (6 mos after this all started) told her BFF that it was my fault she had an A, she told my cousin that she was friends with OM first (they only knew each other 1 mos before A) to justify her continuing "friendship", she told me during counseling that I think it was so much worse than it was...
6 mos in, she still feels zero remorse for what she's done. She's lost my family, she's lost me and we've sold our house. Yet before we signed the contract to sell I said you know what I need, and she replied "yeah, to give up just about everything". She's lost most of her long time friends, she's lost my family (a huge part of her previous life), she's lost everything but our son and the fire dept. and yet she still feels no remorse.
I'll be honest blue, I don't know how you decided to accept your WH back into your life after a year, because I am 6 mos in and my walls are so high tha I don't see any way she could ever get past them to come back to me. I still hope one day I will get a true apology, but I'm past ever expecting that, and I'm past caring if I don't...
M - 9 1/2 years 5/5/16 - Bomb drop - 3 week EA 10/31/16 - We sold house 01/10/18 - D Finalized
I'll be honest blue, I don't know how you decided to accept your WH back into your life after a year, because I am 6 mos in and my walls are so high tha I don't see any way she could ever get past them to come back to me. I still hope one day I will get a true apology, but I'm past ever expecting that, and I'm past caring if I don't...
Coconut,
I feel the same way that you do. I guess everyone's situation is a bit different. In my case, I don't see any possibility of reconciliation because I don't think my wife has the ability or capacity to really understand how much damage was done just because she chose her "best friend" over her family. I could be wrong, but I truly don't see it happening. For me, I'm fairly certain that waiting and hoping would be a useless exercise so my choice is to move on and be a great dad and have fun with life.
It's strange reading both your posts as I've been feeling the same way the last number of weeks. Like you both say, it's the feeling of her just not having the capacity to see and understand. I'm 10 months down the road (which I know is still short in many cases) but there is still so much hostility that is so hard to understand. I've been hurt many times by people, friends and by my W but haven't carried this much hostility for this long.
Sorry Blu to be on your thread, I do feel that you show an amazing amount of strength and character.
Should I expect him to be able to see my pain? The other day was particularly bad as he started telling me how OW was a better match for him because she never complained, was always cheerful, etc., She also was a 21 year old with no responsibilities except herself and they only had a 7 week relationship in total. So yeah, they never argued, go figure.
As hard as it is to keep our chins up, I think if he doesn't want to see it, better not to show it, at least for now, because by getting too emotional you are just confirming the bad thing he thinks about you. There may come a time for that but you need to wait until he owns up to what he did and expects you to be angry at him.
I was reading this thread and, because of your user name, it reminded me of a Bees Gees song titled "Blue Island" (lyrics below).
------------------
Living in a world that dies within, you are they who try and touch the wind. You could be the blessed one that makes me love you.
And doing what you've never done before, taking every wave that hits the shore, you could be a silver star that shines on my blue island. It's gonna be a blue island. See you on a blue island. Take you to a blue island.
Blue island.
You can see the rain. You can feel the pain that no part of me is going through.
Everybody say we can find a way. Do you know the place you're going to?
You're going to a blue island.
This is what the lonely heart must know. This is what it takes to make it grow. You could be a child alone. But you may save the world.
Maybe it's the words that mean goodbye. There but for the grace of God go I. I can see an open door that leads to my blue island.
Gonna be a blue island. See you on a blue island. Take you to a blue island.
Blue island. Blue island. Blue island.
Oh Doodler, you flatter me so!
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
