Ha, ha! I remember that convo in the really dark days.
I never bought in to that Bridget Jones thing. As you say, who in their right mind would befriend the person who has been messing about with your other half. I mean, who on earth comes up with this nonsense. Ah, the ever wonderful 50 shades! I wonder how many good marriages have been warped by that rubbish? I have watched it and, to be honest, I thought it was a weak movie and basically just soft porn.
Hi Sotto
No, I'm not brushing it off, I just haven't the desire to meet up with lots of people and groups. I just like certain things and being sociable in groups or clubs I find difficult. Unfortunately, I have a very a job where I have to do investigations and you find that people you trusted actually turn out to be rotten apples. I therefore find it difficult to trust strangers (seems strange then being on this forum - but, we're all in the shite together here!).
I love reading and watching old British films from the 50'/70's and I love doing things with my kids. I know it's not setting some people's world's alight, but that's me! As I say, I also love travel and going places, but, as you'll concur, when you're on your own, your money doesn't stretch as far as you'd like.
Oh, by the way Sotto, nothing you say annoys me. I appreciate everybody who visits my thread - hope you don't feel that way
M 45 W 52 SD22 S9 D8 BD 6 April 2015 Not living together 4 Dec 2015
Yeah, I thought my situation would have moved more one way or the other too. After six months I posted something like that and Cadet rewarned me about EXPECTATIONS and TIME.
You have had some good advice recently so I have nothing much to add. I will chip in if I have some useful thoughts for you.
You have come along way. Keep going.
All the best
R 25 years M 14 years S11 & S13 Working on it alone since Oct 2014 M in trouble a lot earlier (~2 years) Feb 2016. 1st R chat in a yr. Next R chat Aug'17 Still together
I wanted to tell you that it is perfectly normal for you to have the feelings you do.
I remember thinking...come on already..get through your crisis. Then I realized, it takes as long as it does. No short cuts through it.
That's why you have to throw out any expectations of how this will go because that can make you crazy.
It all happens differently for everyone because people are different, their life experiences are different.
I see you still looking at her trying to find meaning in a convo or visit. That is crazy making, too.
THe reason is we arent in crisis, so we just dont get it.
I have been around a long time. I helped my therapist run some groups for people in a MLC and for those affected by one. And what I learned is this.
Those in crisis feel as if they are swimming in mud with 100 pounds on their backs. They dont know why. They just want to feel better. They will do anything in order to.
The only way for you through this...is to live your life. The less you look over your shoulder at her, the easier it is for you.
When they dont feel the pull of you, they feel lighter and then you do, too.
I understand how you feel about groups of people. It was/is difficult for me, too.
But the great thing about this journey is that you get to stretch yourself.
It took awhile, but, I forced myself to do some things I didnt want to. I was very uncomfortable for a long time, but, I kept doing it. I will never be someone who jumps right in to a group of people, but, I do enjoy it a lot more.
Is there something you have always wanted to try? Pushing yourself out of your comfort zone allows you to grow.
Who do you want to see when you look back at this time? Who do you want her to see?
Thanks for dropping by! I've got the kids this week, so I'm kinda mega busy. Yes I know it's madness to look at every sign and think 'hmm', but I'm human.
Let's take this Friday, when she came to drop them off for the week. Very courteous, no spew and was asking me about the meet up with my nephew. She was distinctly nervous when I told her that he'd lived beside her parents, and her Dad had started taking him to the mosque (my W is half UK White and half arab - although that isn't from her Dad, as she didn't know her biological father). She began questioning me on what I'd told him about 'us' (a few months ago, there was no us). I explained what had gone off and she went kinda embarrassed. I could guess and say she's told her parents a whole host of different things, but I don't know. She's off to see them next week with the kids.
She then started talking about my sisters. Read further up this thread as to the why's and wherefore's, but started talking about forgiveness. I explained that I could forgive anything, but the person I would be forgiving would have to have some contrition and actually want to be meaningful and constructive. Again, no idea what she really meant, but she stayed for about 15 minutes, just talking.
Anyway, back to me, pushing my comfort zone is the gym. A long time ago, I was reasonably fit and strong. I noticed my upper body strength had been going away, and I have now built it back up. I'm not some stunner, and I could probably be the father to most of the people in there, but it took some gumption to actually get off my backside and sign up. Just getting changed amongst strangers was a minor mountain I climbed.
Whacked out with the kids today. Edinburgh yesterday, Glasgow today, back to Edinburgh tomorrow. My wallet is feeling the pain!
M 45 W 52 SD22 S9 D8 BD 6 April 2015 Not living together 4 Dec 2015
Having had the kids all week, W called to pick them up a few hours early. That's fine, she's going to her parents tomorrow and it's a long drive.
Kids have been fine all week, but my S can get a bit edgy with his autism. He is on a medicine that controls his concentration, but it has a by product of supressing his appetite. He has lost a bit of weight, so, I haven't been giving him this medicine until he's had some food.
Ah, that is the spewing point for W! When she arrives, my S has a mild tantrum, and of course, that's my fault! Nothing to do with the fact that the kids have had great fun, and tell me how much they miss and love me as they are leaving.
W only called them once during the week, and was pleasant, as she was when she brought them over, but she's back to spewing monster. Oh well, I did think that part of the process was over and now she's off to her parents and SIL to ramp up the anti huddy feeling.
Anyway, I'm going to catch up with some TV I couldn't watch with the kids here (you know, swearing in it) and have a bit of a rest. I've re-grown my beard this week. I shaved it off in August 2015, as W used to love me having a beard, and I did it in a fit of pique. Actually, I detest shaving, with a passion, and I'm fed up with slicing my neck to shreds! It's coming on, and when I get a chance next week, I will get it blended in to the remains of my hair. Funnily, W didn't look at me once whilst she was here, until she spewed on her way out - funny that!
M 45 W 52 SD22 S9 D8 BD 6 April 2015 Not living together 4 Dec 2015
I read somewhere that eye contact is too intense for them.
R 25 years M 14 years S11 & S13 Working on it alone since Oct 2014 M in trouble a lot earlier (~2 years) Feb 2016. 1st R chat in a yr. Next R chat Aug'17 Still together
Yeah, I think it's on one of job/cadet's homework files. I remember reading it somewhere, but it's the first time I really noticed it. Not one look until she was out of the door and spewing. By this time I was busy waving to the kids, which may have made her go loopy a little bit more, as she was still spewing in the car park, talking to herself, whilst I was looking out of the window, blowing kisses to my D. She never even looked then!
Have a good weekend Roist!
M 45 W 52 SD22 S9 D8 BD 6 April 2015 Not living together 4 Dec 2015
This is just something to read if you're a newbie and looking for some advice. Never, ever make your children part of the situation. Never make them choose; never play one of you off the other. Why am I saying this?
Last night, I got a spew text. It was about, as predicted, about the medicine that we give to our S to help control his autism. It was a 'telling off' text, telling me how and when I should give him his medicine, whilst he is in my home. I decided that I didn't want, or need, to reply to that, and let it ride.
I could have got in to a whole 'text tennis' conversation about this, but in the end, it's about the healthcare of my S, not any problem between W and me. I think, and this has been backed up by my S's specialist, that my S is actually acting out and letting us know how unhappy he is with the situation. My S only started getting edgy when W came for him; he'd ben fine all morning/early afternoon. I could have reiterated that, but I chose not to. What would it actually achieved, if I'd have bit? Would it have eased my S's unhappiness? No. Would it have given W some control over the situation? Probably.
Children will be able to pick up vibes and will be analysing situations, without your knowledge. My S can't really communicate, but my D and SD can and my D, especially, can ask difficult and pointed questions.
Whatever you do, treat your MLC'er with nothing but courtesy whilst the kids are in your presence and never bad mouth them. Your kids didn't chose any of this, so don't bring them in to it. I've never said anything nasty about W to them and have always made my kids know how much they are loved by both of us.
My W is now off to her parents for a week. I've texted my SD to let me know if she needs any help whilst W is away. Despite being 21, she's quite a nieve one, so it was nice to get a text back saying 'Thank you Dad XXX'. I offered her to come over and stay with me whilst W was away, but she's has decided to stay at W's house and bring her boyfriend around! Anyway, I'm there for her, and always will be.
M 45 W 52 SD22 S9 D8 BD 6 April 2015 Not living together 4 Dec 2015
Have you searched for the stages of the femail midlife crises yet? If not I would if I were you. It'll help you to understand where she is if she truly is in a MLC. The more I see on this subject the more I'm convinced that's what's happening with my EXW. Too many red flags.
In particular the anger stage then the replay stage. Bear in mind the transition isn't linear and the overlaps are astounding but have a look. It won't help your W but it will help you. Trust me if you take the time to type it out Job will most likely make it a sticky.
Me:43 Her:42 M:14 S:9 EA started 2014/03 (or there abouts) PA started 2014/05/30 BD:2014/11/05 I left 2015/10/01 I returned 2015/05/02 She left 2015/06/10 OM still on the go.
Yes, I looked, but I either wasn't looking in the right place, or I picked up the wrong article as I was directed to a US site. I will have another look this week, now I've got a bit more time. It is a pity that we can't post links on here, but I understand that somebody would be posting nonsense about diet pills or worse!
How's you S getting on with the D? Red flags from your exW? Is she sending distress signals?
M 45 W 52 SD22 S9 D8 BD 6 April 2015 Not living together 4 Dec 2015
