I throughly confused. I've been DBing following Sandi's rules but my heart thinks I should try marriage counseling. I know she's not into it but my hope is that once she get's in there, something might happen to soften her stance.
Look, I'm terrified of losing my wife and family. After all that's happened these last two weeks, I still love my wife and I'm willing to fight for our marriage. I really don't know what to do. Help.
Honestly, I haven't had a real conversation with my wife regarding our situation. No more than 15 minutes combined in two conversations. I was hoping being in a neutral location can get her to talk a bit more.
mvg is correct... No setting will allow for the conversation that you want... Look now! It is time to stfu, do what needs to be done and understand that there will be no conversation that will explain what you want to know, express what you want to express and have her understand or resolve the issues you think can be talked out. All conversations for now will need to be of a "business like" manner...business discussions are those where facts are the focus (and I don't mean the facts as according msp, nor according to you waw). I mean the facts that a judge would allow in the court room...
You need to do your homework here if you are going to get this...and trust me, while you are spinning you need facts to make sound decisions.
I get that you and your brain are trying to make sense of it all...you want reasons...you want to understand...you want to convince her to see the error of her decisions...we all went through this...it is our script
So here is what you need to do. Read and study cadets homework...study it like you are trying to pass a final exam. Read and study DR in the same manner. You put a "reason" or label to why this is happening in any manner that can help you STOP trying to reason and rationalize what to do next like it's a guessing game. It really does not matter if it is WAW, WW, MLC or whatever right now... You have to do the same thing regardless of which it is to get you straight.
Only after you can stablize yourself, and get yourself into a place of healthy detachment will you want to come back and determine which it is... Don't misunderstand me, knowing the difference between a WAW, WW and MLC will benefit at the appropriate time ...often times there is a combination of the 3, but let's manage everything in the appropriate time..., right now it does not matter until you are situated...she has fired you as her H...time to accept that...does not mean you can't be rehired, but if you do not start to apply the DB principles, your chances diminish much.
So let me know if you understand what I am saying here and what you will do next... Do not get caught up in the weeds here...you can't see the forest for the trees and there are those here standing on the outside calling in to direct you...you also have the road map...follow it.
Me 46 Former W 46 D19 D7 BD Feb 2016 WAW moves out 4/16/16 D final 6/1/2017
It's time for me to start changin' the way I look at the world......and at myself. ~James Howlett aka Wolverine
I throughly confused. I've been DBing following Sandi's rules but my heart thinks I should try marriage counseling. I know she's not into it but my hope is that once she get's in there, something might happen to soften her stance.
Look, I'm terrified of losing my wife and family. After all that's happened these last two weeks, I still love my wife and I'm willing to fight for our marriage. I really don't know what to do. Help.
Look brother...you can follow your heart...and maybe it works out...but MWD has been working with folks like you and I for many years and your heart is more likely gonna lead to the opposite of what you are hoping for... If you want a chance your going to have to follow the counterintuitive principles here...
You are not going through anything most of us here have not already experienced...the truth is that few MR survive the BD...but the grand majority that do, did so following MWD principles. Google it. More "gurus" that work with troubled marriages use her exact principles...why do you think that is?
You have been thrown into the deep end here and told to swim...first time you go swimming a teacher will tell you to do things very counter to your instincts so you can swim...your instincts lead to actions that will drown you...
So what are you going to do? Sink splashing around because your instincts tell you to thrash around... Or Swim, by calming down, flatten out, roll over and float a second to catch your breath...then roll back over and take one stroke at a time towards your goal?
Don't panic here if you want to survive.
Me 46 Former W 46 D19 D7 BD Feb 2016 WAW moves out 4/16/16 D final 6/1/2017
It's time for me to start changin' the way I look at the world......and at myself. ~James Howlett aka Wolverine
MCs don't seem to go as hoped when both parties are not committed to fixing the M. If you are committed but she is not you will likely be disappointed with the outcome.
Me:49 W:45 M:19 T:22 EA confirmed and ended 8/2014 S:19,17 D:9,5
MCs don't seem to go as hoped when both parties are not committed to fixing the M. If you are committed but she is not you will likely be disappointed with the outcome.
I can agree with this. Before my W walked out on me she briefly suggested going to MC. I half hearted agreed but I knew in my heart I didn't want to save my M so even if we went (we never did) I knew it would be pointless. In my eyes my W brought nothing to the table to want to save the marriage so why bother with MC?
It was only after she slammed my head with a 2X4 by walking out on me did I realize my W did have a lot of things to bring to the marriage table.
M 55 W 52 MR 32 T 34+ D29 BD May 8, 2016 - She moved out ILYBNILWY May 15 (Through email) No EA/PA August 23 - DB used against me in every way Divorce July 18, 2017 - Life is getting better every day
I throughly confused. I've been DBing following Sandi's rules but my heart thinks I should try marriage counseling. I know she's not into it but my hope is that once she get's in there, something might happen to soften her stance.
Look, I'm terrified of losing my wife and family. After all that's happened these last two weeks, I still love my wife and I'm willing to fight for our marriage. I really don't know what to do. Help.
Breathe
All this is FEAR, which is keeping you stuck. I get it .. I was there too.
Ok, to go back and answer your question about bringing up the fact your W wants D in MC... no .. do not do that. You do not want D, so you do not even bring up the topic .. in fact if you are DBing you don't initiate any R talks what so ever right>?
You need to detach a bit, you are sucked in emotionally and feel that this thing is a runaway train and its going to destroy you ... truth is if you keep clinging to all this it will do just that. Recall reading DB and there is a portion that says all this feels to be against your very nature, feels like its the opposite of what you should do ... this is that time. You are here because you want to save your M, its time to actually APPLY the DB principles to your sitch, not just read, not react, but to walk and talk DB and give it time to work, its not going to happen tomorrow .... it took you some time to get here its going to take time to get out.
