Focus on Me and the Boys 9

[J5K]

Rose,

You are correct. I do need to man up. As everyone has suggested I will give it a year and see what happens. Now that this whole things is almost over I just need to get the boys situated with some consistency.

[Mach1]

Now that this whole things is almost over I just need to get the boys situated with some consistency.

From what you have posted Jim...

YOU are the constant in their lives...

You should be setting the market for them...


Favor ?

Give this a few weeks to settle in. Let the feelings, angst, and fear wear off a bit before you make your final decision...

And those questions yesterday ??

Maybe re-read those right before you decide, and see if your answers still fit...


????

[J5K]

Mach1,

I will. I do need to let this settle for a while and take stock of her actions. One thing I would like to discuss with her is the agreement we had about saving money to give the boys when they turn 18. I would be curious as to how she proposes we do that now. If anything, that will be the only thing I bring up with her this weekend.

[Painter]

Jim, I have followed your story for a long time. Would you mind reposting the reasons you had for staying in MI and keeping the boys there? I wonder if you have forgotten them. I don't remember them all.

I agree with Rose, you didn't have to let your ex adopt 5 boys if you had concerns. That's a HUGE decision that you should have been in full agreement about. Blaming her (and yes, you do that a lot, even for things she does not have the power to decide) is not right.

It's also incredible to read that your reply to the psychologist's concern is that you do not have control over Ex. You were just given control over most of their time, but you want to give it away?

Before you declare to everyone that you're changing your plans, please discuss this in depth with a counselor for yourself. You have said before that you tend to make decisions based on emotions, and you just can't afford to do that.

I think the travel may not be as bad as you think. Are you sure you're not looking for an excuse to go live near Ex? To keep in close touch daily? She could make your life hell. She has already showed what she is capable of. Did you forget she threatened you? That she bullies you in order to get her way?

You need to let the feelings you have for her stabilize with the new reality before you make this huge move.

[Painter]

I was writing my post while you posted. I am very relieved that you have decided to give it a year and see how out works out!

[Mach1]

Mach1,

I will. I do need to let this settle for a while and take stock of her MY actions. One thing I would like to discuss with her is the agreement we had about saving money to give the boys when they turn 18. I would be curious as to how she proposes we do that now. If anything, that will be the only thing I bring up with her this weekend.

Fixed that for ya...

Look, you are raw, you are hurt, and you are angry...

Are you sure that's the best time to make life decisions ?

And I see that theme running through this thread...

The reason that I fixed that for you...??

Is that, at NO POINT....should YOU allow her, to be making YOUR decisions for you...

And one thing, should be the ONLY thing for now....


I do hope that you can see that. If not today, then maybe in the near future...

[DonH]

This is like watching a car sitting. On the train tracks while the train approaches at about 10 mph but is still certain To do huge damage to e erroneous I the car. - in this case, 5 young boys.

You told us only a week ago that you would not act on this for at least a month. I did not go back and pull the quote but most certainly can. Just telling us what you think we want to hear? You obviously had no intention to do that.

I don't know what the correct decision here is. I just Know that changing decisions like this after fighting In court and doing so in this time frame and mind state is crazy. And the train keeps coming while we all scream DRIVE THE CAR OFF THE TRACKS. yet there it Still sits.

Most of all, I feel so blasted bad and sorry for these kids. They deserve two stable parents and seem to be coming up short twice.

Like the others I beg you - please drive off the tracks!

[J5K]

So even after we agree to everything the criticism from STBX has started. She sent an email stating I did not pack clothes. She specifically asked for dress clothes for thanksgiving only. That is what I packed. Should I have packed more clothes for the boys? I can see how some would say ues because it is for the boys. In STBXs POV I am a bad planner. Just tring to learn to improve the coparenting relationship.

[PsySara]

Then listen and validate. She is learning what single parenting is like and will be acting out a lot. You will continue to parent the best way you can, be a steady, stable lighthouse for those boys. Do not defend yourself, simply say something like, "Yeah, this stuff is a steep learning curve, thank you for the suggestions." Then crickets unless she has a real question about the boy's needs.

The only thing you can control is your reaction to her stabs. Sometimes lob a compliment her and knock her off her soapbox. "Packing the boys stuff made me realize how well you multitask at these things." Trust me, she'll be like...wha???

[J5K]

Sara

I sent a reply back with both suggested phrases. Thank you.