What should I be doing (too little too late?)

[Coconut]

So almost everything is out of the house, I have two trips left, one to my storage and one to my apt, and then I will be done at the house. She managed to get most of her stuff out in 4 days, but still has enough to probably take 10 or so trips back and forth to her new place.

For the most part, the move out is complete and we have both taken a different path in the road. Once I got back to my apt last night, sadness hit and I sent a text (not DB, but I managed not to try and get one last hug, so the text was that one last connection for me).

Me: This was a very sad weekend for me, lots of memories, dreams and plans lost. We had some good times and I hope to hold on to those memories, take care of our boy and puppies.

WW: This was a very sad weekend for me as well. It makes me sad that things can't be different. you can pick the dogs up and keep them whenever you want & you know the same goes for son.

That was it, that was the only conversation or anything that we had regarding going our separate ways. my next text from her had to do with someone going by the house today to buy sons trampoline.

I got pretty sad when I was sitting in my apt last night, luckily my son called and said he was going bowling, so I went and met up with him for a couple of hours after having to go home and hit the bed since I was absolutely exhausted from all the work in the last few days.

[BluWave]

(((((((C-nut)))))))

[hawker]

Ugh...sorry Coconut!! Hugs to you!!

[Coconut]

Thanks Ladies, I appreciate the support... I'm doing ok, I did let out a few tears, but it felt good to just feel sadness, because I've early been very numb to sadness lately.

I forgot to mention that my bowling was outstanding yesterday, well, um, outstanding for me lately. I've only been bowling 3 or 4 times in the last umpteen years, and the last few times I was hovering around 100 points a game. Last night I was bowling between 140 - 171 a game, my son was shocked that I was beating him so bad. So when I left he stuck around to get some extra practice to make sure he beats me next time.

WW has been texting me non-stop today, I've been responding to things to do with house and son, but delaying my response. Today she text while I was driving home and then had to deal with some stuff at the leasing office, after about 30 mins she text "thanks" because I hadn't responded to her insignificant questions..

For now I'm just waiting to sell the house and then going as dark as I can considering we work in the same office (but have really cut back on interaction)... I figure I'll be moving in about two months unless something significantly changes, unlikely to happen, but I'm not delaying my moving when I get a good job offer unless there are major changes in my feelings before it happens.

[cbtdad]

Cnut
I don't have much to share, but just wanted to drop by and wish you the best.
Thanks for all the advice and don't be a stranger

[Coconut]

so, I snooped a little today, I guess OM W and my W are friends now, or at least cordial. OM W had posted something on FB about it takes a special person to get through a terrible time and come out with a smile on their face, and my WW "hearted" it. Not really sure what to make of that, I think OM W is blind to the real status of her R, but that's her issue not mine. Just kinda surprised me that my WW would be liking stuff on her page.

So, I was looking at Natus' thread, and he mentioned that milestones are coming slow, he's 8 months in and major events still haven't taken place, such as selling house, finding someone else (not sure that would be expected at 8 mos), etc..

So I took a look at my signature, I'm just barely 6 mos since ILYBNILWY speech, and 5 mos since confirming A. In that short time, I've tried piecing (or so I thought), I've tried in-house S (hardest thing ever), and I sold the house and moved into my own place within 6 mos. WOW, that's all I can say, WOW.

I take stock of my R, think back to comments made by Wonka and Blu, and I think that I "could" be currently trying to R with my W, if it weren't for a certain hard headedness on both of our parts that has caused this true S. On her part it is her unwillingness to quit the FD to go NC and to commit to MR more than FB and male friends. On my part, it is standing up for my boundary of NC.

I truly believe that I could be in a R similar to that of OM and his W, but I truly realize I don't want that, I DO NOT want a house of cards. I realize that my WW truly believes her and OM are doing nothing wrong, but I go back to the conversation between the two of them 2 1/2 months ago talking about their feelings, about being open and not keeping secrets. That is not a conversation that is acceptable to have with a opposite sex "friend" in my M. It just isn't. For the first time, I think I truly understand the purpose and necessity of boundaries. I am not trying to control what she does by having my boundary, but I know my boundary will keep me safe (and sane) by protecting future R's. If you don't agree with not having special "friends", that's ok, but you will never be my W. Kinda like saying I would never marry someone who uses curse words in every sentence, it's just not something I want in my life. I'm not trying to get them to stop cursing, I am just not inviting them into my inner circle.

In reading the newbies threads (in which I see myself in them when I first showed up), the only thing that is important to them is saving their M, the problem is when you are that early in the process you don't really understand what your trying to save. My WW immediately felt guilty, wanted to do the right thing, and we both thought we were trying to save our M. But actually it was just rug sweeping, just moving along trying to get over what had happened but not really understanding why it happened or what we each needed for happiness. I wanted to save my M so bad that I was not upholding any of my boundaries (NC being the biggest one) just so that I could be "with" my W.

Looking back now, I realize what a mistake that was, there was no way in the world that we could have pieced and lasted from where we started that process. She wasn't into it, she was only doing what was easiest and what society considers right (saving marriage). At this point I find it highly unlikely that we will ever get back together, but I realize that I'm still very early in this process and there are still a lot of changes that will occur with both of us, so I'm not completely shutting that possibility down.

But at this point, what I'm not doing is waiting. I am going to accept a job in the country when I get offered one I want. I do not see that as being an end all, we had always talked about wanting to move north when son went to college anyway, so I would just be starting early. I can't say if I would ever take her back or not, so I'm not even considering that, but I do consider if any of my moves would prevent that from being possible if we both decided we wanted it in the future.

I may even decide to file for D, because I still don't see that as an end all. Even if we got back together, I think it would be such a new R I wouldn't really "feel" married without renewing vows, or something to symbolize a new union. I'm not saying I am going to file for D, just saying I haven't completely left it off the table.

ok, that's a lot of rambling thoughts jumbled together. c-ya

[doodler]

so, I snooped a little today, I guess OM W and my W are friends now, or at least cordial. OM W had posted something on FB about it takes a special person to get through a terrible time and come out with a smile on their face, and my WW "hearted" it. Not really sure what to make of that, I think OM W is blind to the real status of her R, but that's her issue not mine. Just kinda surprised me that my WW would be liking stuff on her page.

Coconut,

I'm sorry about all of the stuff you're going through. My XW is friends with the OM's wife. In fact, the OM's wife actually helps my XW and her husband be together. It's weird as h3ll, and I rarely talk about it with anyone because it's almost unbelievable. My MC/IC said it was one of the weirdest cases she's had in her 25 years of experience.

Anyway, I'm telling you all of that to be supportive. I had a difficult time coming to grips with my situation and if it weren't for my wonderful IC, I'd probably still be questioning what was going on. It sounds like you have a good grasp of your situation. And, like everyone says, it eventually gets better.

[sandi2]

Have you considered making your apartment your own personal man cave? It might help you get though some of these nights of feeling empty and in a foreign land. Make it fun, and maybe get your son in on it. Just you guys, sort of thing.

[Bworl]

Cnut,
First off, I've only read this thread, not your previous one(s). So if I speak out of ignorance, please forgive me and set me straight. I'm not sharing expertise (as if I had any), but my observation of reading the six pages of this particular thread.

First off, what I see in your posts is a man who is much more divided internally than he wants to admit. I'm not saying that as a criticism.

Second, I get the impression that you're a bit of a Type A kind of person, and your wife (and possibly son) are not. That sets up difficulties, especially when things get rocky. I'm reminded of Chapman's "The 5 Love Languages", and reminded that one of the things I had to learn in my story was that I failed to be intentional about knowing my spouse well enough to be sure that I spoke her love language.

Third, I don't think you really want to leave. I cannot imagine you wanting to leave just because of your son alone. (and this is where my lack of knowledge might make me speak ignorantly) I don't know how anyone can move away from their own child and think it's a justifiable thing.

Fourth, sometimes we close the door so hard that it can't be opened again. You're getting stellar advice from Sandi, someone who is much more familiar with your full story, so I will gladly yield to her better understanding of what's transpired, but I get the sense that you've possibly shut off any possibility that things could still be healed here.

Someone in this thread commented to you at one point about "ultimatum" versus "boundary". I think the two boundaries you mentioned about the FD job and the OM were actually one boundary and one ultimatum. Insisting that the FD interest end is an ultimatum. Insisting that she break off contact with OM is a healthy and necesary boundary.

If your wife is passionate about working in the FD, it seems to me that she can do FD in lots of different places. It seems the OM is an FD person, and I can understand your need for that relationship to be over and no longer physically possible through work. But that doesn't mean she has to abandon the career.

You're a strong Type A doer. Your wife is not. It's possible she's never really accomplished much or felt accomplished. What if working in the FD gives her that sense of being capable? Will you sacrifice your marriage and family to deny that to her?

Ooozing through the lines of what you right, especially in the last page or so of posts, is a man who is grieving his loss - and we don't grieve things that we no longer care about. I get the sense that a lot of this is a "fake it till you make it" that has taken over.

I'm not trying to criticize in any way. Just trying to give you the perspective of a complete outsider.

Blessings,

Bill

[Zues126]

Good post Bwolr.

My take is that Coconut isn't divided at all...he would love to have a restored marriage, but won't allow himself to be put through hell and back with a spouse that doesn't reciprocate this commitment enough not to make the M their number one priority and respect him as a man. Coconut isn't walking away from the marriage, but it makes sense for him to protect himself.

Your point about how she feels and what the FD does for her makes sense. At the same time, the FD seems to have been all mixed up with WW with the EA and with her rebellious nature. And for her to put this in front of the marriage would be a big issue to me.

If WW broke it off with OM, took some time to herself, focused on healing, expressed interest in rebuilding the M, explained that she would be willing to make some sacrifices in the short term to rebuild the M, but that in the long term she needed C to understand that it was important to her to participate in work outside the M, and for her to bring up ways she might be able to do this without being near OM or his triggers but that involved some flexibility on C's part...well, I think C would be willing to have this conversation.

For a woman that has been wayward and refuses to make the M a top priority, however, I understand why C wouldn't want to look back over his shoulder. He may have some grieving ahead of him, but I would choose a lifetime of grief over a marriage only held together by my willingness to accept waywardness.

As for moving away, that would be hard. I can't see my life disconnected from my children. I believe we make a commitment to our children as well as to our spouses, and that commitment isn't contingent upon what their mother does. It would be very hard for S for him not to have his father around. I hope that is possible.