D had a great tennis lesson today. It was a lot of fun going to watch her this afternoon! Going to make it a weekly occurrence. W still giving me the cold shoulder. She sat in the waiting area on her phone. No biggie, left me to go and watch D do an awesome job!
D wanted to ride home with me so we had a good time joking around. Did dinner, then reading for 20 mins, then a little bit of iPad before bed. Joked around as a family and had a good time. Unsure how W is able to flip that switch off and on. It's like Jekyll and Hyde.
D wants me to go trick or treating with her. W has lined up a few other moms and Ds friends to go though. Will need to figure that one out. Let D pick our activity for this weekend and it looks like we are Pokemon hunting (shocker!) on Sunday once the storm passes. Should be fun!
Will finish the paperwork for L tomorrow. Work activity tomorrow evening. Some pressing things I need to focus on for work too. Not enough hours in the day.
Can't wait to run in the morning
Me39 M11 : T13 D9 BD 5/31/16 In House S until 6/21/17 Divorced 10/5/18
At this point, not expecting anything different. W seems steadfast in moving forward with this and her attitude hasn't wavered. Oh well. Guess we will see what the next phase of this brings.
Don't believe W is "inviting" me to go out with her and the other moms and kids. Need to think about what I'd like to do with D that night and respond appropriately. We will see.
Papers are all filled out. Have a couple things I need to send over to L tomorrow but the majority of the stuff is complete on my end. Now it's just them, putting the stuff together and us reviewing. W said she'd have an agreement this week. Maybe I get it tomorrow, maybe not. Tomorrow I'll sever the phone lines on our account and she can have her freedom to text away in her mind. She asked again about that today so she's waiting for it. I don't really care at this point, just haven't done it yet bc I've honestly been too busy.
Tonight we had a GAL event for work where we all cut out early and had 50 or so people at a park for cornhole, kanjam, and food. Was a great time and massively needed distraction for me after focusing on all this the past 3 days. There's a girl at work that's a little younger than me and has flirted with me in the past. I've usually just played it off, but I found myself flirting back tonight. Nothing will come of it, but it was actually kind of nice and a good confidence booster. Something different.
Came home to this situation and it was almost like walking into an unfriendly sports arena. W on one side. Me on the other. Our poor D in the middle. Did our "family" thing and put D to bed. I put in the paperwork that I'd like a week on, week off split. I added one day of visitation bt 6-8 by the other parent during each week. To be honest though, I'm not even sure I want that one day with the W at this point. It's such a downer being around her now. I can't imagine how she thinks us seeing each other every night for our D, but living separately would be any different than right now. Right now truly is sad and miserable, probably on both sides, just for different reasons. I keep upbeat and happy but it feels like there is a weight on me.
Who knows though. Weekend coming up. Fallen behind on gym time. Need to get there more and have slacked off. Curious to see what Ws agreements look like when I get them.
Me39 M11 : T13 D9 BD 5/31/16 In House S until 6/21/17 Divorced 10/5/18
What process/approach/method did you use to come up w/ your suggestion for alimony? Does your state have a formula or some guidelines?
I think you W plans on jumping right into the job market... right?
Also, why did you choose week-on-week-off instead of 2-2-3? I thought the latter was more common. For me (and for my W), a week w/o them would be too much, I think.
Tough times, LT. Hang in there.
Me: 50, MLC/WW 45 Young kids Nov 2015: BD1 Apr 2016: BD2 Jan 2017: W filed Feb 2017: D final
FG, I have asked the L for help on determining the alimony payments. There's a guideline for child support, but the alimony area is much more gray. Will let you know feedback from them. I did put 1 year for the length of the payments which would start from the day we sign the agreements.
She says she will jump back in, but so far I've yet to see the effort. I've seen where she had her resume open on our home PC, but she doesn't talk to me so I honestly have no clue. I don't want her to flounder post D, but she does not want my help and I can't force her to do anything. I won't do anything to hurt her, but I'm not here to bail her out. Just here to look after D and myself now I guess.
I hate the idea of a week on/week off, but my wife is adamant about D not switching b/t homes during the week. Hence why she wants full custody w/ me only visiting every day of the week. I thought week on/week off was a good starting point and we could negotiate to 2-2-3 if W was amenable to it. It would be hard on both W and myself to go that route.
Hanging in there and the focus on the mechanics of this thing are keeping the emotions at bay. I'm great at ripping through a task to get to a goal so it's been easy to focus on this piece of it. Now that it's winding down I find myself at a weird neutral place.
Just took my phone line off the joint account (technically in wife's name, hence why I took mine off). She has her freedom now. Hope it's worth it. I don't think it changes anything and at this point I don't care to know what she's doing. I just want to get out of this thing w/ a stable environment for my D and without W continuing to exert control over everything in our lives.
I also reached out to a co-parenting counselor recommended by my L. Waiting for a call back to schedule an appointment. No way the MC could walk us through co-parenting and I'm figuring a dedicated counselor on co-parenting is better. I asked W to ping her lawyers for recommendations but she refused. Now I need to figure out how to co-parent with this selfish person. It won't involve me being a doormat again, that's for sure. Unfortunately, that probably drives further anger and resentment, but being separated, maybe that keeps it at bay. Unsure, but we will apparently find out.
No agreements from W yet. Today is Fri and she said they'd have this week. Maybe I go home and there's a stack at the house. Who knows. Don't care. I'm stronger than she is and I've no doubts I'll be ok coming out of this. Come hell or high water, my D will have a stable environment post divorce, regardless of what W does.
Me39 M11 : T13 D9 BD 5/31/16 In House S until 6/21/17 Divorced 10/5/18
1 yr of alimony seems short, given an 11 year marriage. Will it fly if it goes in front of a judge?
If your W had a 6-fig job before, I bet she can get her act in gear as soon as she needs to, i.e., she doesn't need to depend on you. Maybe that's where the 1 year fuse comes in.
Co-parenting is going to be tough w/ a wayward spouse ...
Me: 50, MLC/WW 45 Young kids Nov 2015: BD1 Apr 2016: BD2 Jan 2017: W filed Feb 2017: D final
Yeah, I put that 1yr in there looking for feedback from the L. I want to be fair, but I'm afraid she is not looking to be. We'll see when she gets the document to me on her end I guess.
I'm hoping she doesn't need to depend on me bc I'm trusting she can get her ship righted enough to properly care and provide for our D when D is with her. W is extremely assertive that she is capable of doing all of this without me. I truly hope she's right.
I have no clue how co-parenting is going to possibly work with her. It's an uphill battle, but one worth fighting. I'm afraid it's going to be her issues in the end that determine the outcome. Either she does work on them or there's no chance we can properly co-parent. She won't even talk to me right now. Very concerning and frustrating.
Me39 M11 : T13 D9 BD 5/31/16 In House S until 6/21/17 Divorced 10/5/18
Negotiate like a Trump. Start with 6 months of payments and compromise at 1 year. Have a few items that you can give away. These are not things you want but during the negotiations you can give them up just to show you are open and flexible. Fair is where you end up not where you start.
Me:49 W:45 M:19 T:22 EA confirmed and ended 8/2014 S:19,17 D:9,5
A custody counselor would be good if you CAREFULLY pick out one (or your L strongly recommends) someone who believes in 50-50. You can also check out the option to have the court appoint a GAL. There is right now some momentum back towards one-parent primary. But be very careful here because I have seen some child counselors/GALS that that always, always recommend primary custody to the mother, even in some tragic cases with crazy or addicted moms. Most are good and fair, but just be careful here.
In terms of negotiating custody, first of all I would not directly discuss/argue this with your W. You could say nothing more than "I refuse less than 50%" and "Im sorry you feel that way" and "Want a Pringle?". Literally, if you never say another thing to your W other than those 3 phrases for the rest of your life you will be good. Let your papers and your lawyer do your arguing for you. If you have a GOOD counselor, let them say it too. But she will fight anything you say, so just dont say anything you want to fight about!
In terms of actually handling custody, I would recommend you look up parallel parenting. Best solution is to keep this amicable and have effective communications between the parents, but I sort of doubt that outcome is really in your control. Parallel parenting is tough for young kids but with only one 9 year old she will be OK. It works especially well with week-to-week, where the hand-off is basically coming home to a different house after school each Friday. There are calendar apps out there specifically for handling custody situations and all necessary communication can be done through these program.
As for the alimony, you are in an at-fault jurisdiction, right? Usually adultery is a ticket out of alimony - either through solid evidence or bluffing. But I think filing no fault and offering 1-year alimony is both fair and smart. You are being gracious offering her a carrot, while at the same time if she fights you on primary custody then you pull out the big stick - filing with adultery on public record, no support, immediate removal from the home, you expose adultery to everyone, and you go for primary attacking her mental state. Even if you dont win it all, she would be financially wiped out. She may be crazy enough to fight, but her lawyer wont be.
MV I agree with you. I'm going to discuss with the L after they have a chance to review. Unsure what W would want though, besides the custody piece, but we will see. This is turning into something like a business negotiation, which I'm very familiar with. I hate that it has come to this, but here we are I guess.
Fade, I'll ask my L about a custody counselor. Hadn't heard of this before now. Found a co-parenting counselor through the L, I'm assuming the custody counselor is more of a mediator though?
My W literally fights everything I say. If I say the sky is blue she will argue the shade of blue. It's enough to drive me insane. "I refuse less than 50% custody" has been added to my bank of WW responses though. I think I'll need it a lot before all this is said and done.
Read up on parallel parenting last night and it makes sense. Very structured, emotion removed. I hope it doesn't come to that but with my W not letting go of any of the anger we very well find that's the best way forward. So sad, when we used to be so plugged into each other.
Alimony wise, yes we are in an at-fault jurisdiction. I'm trying to be fair to my W and not let the emotions of the situation drive things. At the same time, she needs to be fair with me, but I have a hard time seeing that she will be based on her perception of the future and also what she's done recently. She's blazing a fiery path of destruction throughout this thing and I'm afraid it continues into the future.
That said, no mention of her agreements being completed. Supposed to have them by last week. If my Ls finish ours first I'll need to decide if I front run her. Again, a business decision, not happy about having to make that choice. That said, if it helps protect D and I then I'll make it.
D has friends over for a sleepover tonight. Wondering if W is trying to get all these sleepovers in bc it'll be hard to do it in an apartment. Told W today that D and I would like to throw our tent in the backyard next Saturday, roast marshmallows over the fire pit, and "camp-out" for the night. W didn't say anything but I know she hated that idea. D and I have been talking about all summer though, just waiting for cooler weather. W hates camping and will be anxious that D is sleeping outside. Her issue to get over. Once D and I are free of this, we will be doing a lot more camping/hiking activities that W has heavily discouraged over the years.
I'm sitting in the office typing this. W is sitting downstairs. Still no interest from W in talking to me unless it's being critical. I went to the gym and to get a haircut today while W and D went shopping for a bday gift for a friend. Came home and D was upset I didn't tell her where I was going. Told D where I'd been and W jumped in and said that wasn't fair and I should apologize to D. I had told D back when this S started and I was GAL that I'd tell her where I was, so I apologized.
W pulled me aside into the garage a little later and told me how this was more of the same and I was breaking promises. Told me that W didn't care where I went or what I did but D does. I Let her vent, told her ok and thank you for letting me know and that was that. I wanted to remind her that she promised a lot of things when we got M that she has not kept, but did not. I'm reminded of that scene from tombstone after doc Holliday guns down Johnny ringo and tells Wyatt Earp "my hypocrisy knows no bounds". Tiring at times.
I find my mind wandering to how W is going to react to these negotiations around custody. Trying to come up with plans for reacting, counteracting, and getting the final agreements to what I believe to be fair. I just wish my W could see all this through my eyes and see the damage she's creating. I think I've done an ok job seeing through her eyes, so far as the issues I've created, but maybe I'm missing something. Who knows. Nothing to do but keep working on myself and my R with my D.
Thanks Fade and MV!!!
Me39 M11 : T13 D9 BD 5/31/16 In House S until 6/21/17 Divorced 10/5/18
