The Fight For Self III

[mulesqb]

Newcomers can gain a lot of comfort from reading Mules and CTs posts above. Know that there is a point where you can manage the pain and even push past it. It's not as dark as it seems when you first begin the journey.

Hi lt,

I think you just summed up why I came back to post for a while and see if I can help people. It's not as dark, in fact it's pretty darn sunny. You either have a great new R with your spouse. Or you have a second chance with a better you and a much smarter you.

Strength and Honor.

Mules

[CT1118]

You either have a great new R with your spouse. Or you have a second chance with a better you and a much smarter you.
Strength and Honor.

Mulesqb - thanks so much for coming back to look at the DB site. I have truly enjoyed our interactions. I thought your quote above was really valuable. I feel comfortable with either of the above options.

CT, it's always awesome reading your posts. You're at such a great point right now it's amazing! It's funny how it IS different now. When we all joined the forum a few months ago, everything seemed to be a blur of emotion, confusion, fear, etc.
Now, while not perfect, we at least seem to have gained enough awareness and knowledge to get through the day to day.

So very true It, so very true. I mean, this is entirely the point. There are a number of us here from the Spring/Summer 2016 club. Some of us found this place soon after BD, some a few months after. So here it is months later, still visiting, still waining, still waxing. As active as I am, even if I don't comment, I still truly find peace in coming here to read up on people - I feel like I know so many here. Friendship is strange in the DB world. I mean, we dump some really heavy personal dark $hit here. People ask us stuff which I think would never come in most 1:1 face conversations. And yet, truly anonymous. You are a great dude It0402. I watched how you checked in on FG and RSG in their brown-outs - daily posts. That is worth something man, and they got it.

And I want to make clear I am not advocating giving up or anything like that. Just want newbies to lose the fear. If I had lost the fear I would have been MUCH better at DBing. When I lost it, it was way too late. To me that was the hardest part.

Again, amen to this Mules. Loosing fear. You're support is really inspiring me about me, as so many others gain too from reading it. You know what - I am going to break this reply up into another post. Now though, the spouse and I had a parent teacher thing at s5's school tonight. After, we went to his post-school daycare together (.5 miles from school) to wrap some business with them. She invited me for tacos with son, but when she asked she did not stop talking; caveats flowed like "I mean, I know this is your night 'off' from him and if you have other plans..." etc. She did not know I did have plans that I had already cancelled to make the last minute teacher thing, I did not tell her, it did not matter as they were already cancelled. I said yes. It was a nice time. I am not reading into it. As I sit her now, I do not have a 'pep in my step' or false hopes. This is after some tension last week. But her murmured words made me see some small effort which I have not seen in a while, so I accepted. Beauty was, when you find your"self" again (or in my case for the first time), you can relax through this. She was awkward enough that she spilled her full glass of water onto my lap like some teenager "oh $hit" moment in a movie(she did, she spilled her water all over me). I laughed, because really, what does $hit like that matter anymore. Water never killed pants, and laughter never hurt.

"Tough times don't last, tough people do." --My Dad to me years ago, me to my boys now.

Mind if I steal this to tell my son? Better yet, let's trade 50/50. My dad always told me "At death, the only thing you will truly leave behind is your name. It's up to you how people will use it."

[CT1118]

The fear within. I think fear is pretty healthy and pretty normal. We are all built with a "fight or flight" sequence. I am not going to solve fear with a single post or even a series of posts, but this post is called "The Fight for Self" for a reason, so I will give another honest post about my"self".

I know with my newbie experience, I was not sure it was fear I wanted to lose when I arrived, I wanted stuff fixed - and right away! I think so many come here looking for an equation as if this was algebraic... If your WAS did this/You did this X You say this/You act like this = all is right as rain.

The idea of coming to DB looking for such a solution seems really normal. It is normal. I mean, no one calls it out like that, but so many words are said to arrive at "What the h3ll am I supposed to do?". Clothes off, in front of the classroom, but here in DB world, unlike the allegorical nightmare, the class is not laughing. The class gets up and someone gives you their shirt, someone has extra pants in their locker, someone sees you shaking with reality and gives you a hug. Then another hug. Then someone hands you a textbook and says "you are part of this class now, here is your homework, catch up". Then someone tells you they are wearing borrowed clothes too, which someone gave to them, from which someone gave to them...more hugs are followed by stares of honesty. Followed by words of strength. Your fear can make you feel like you are being hazed for having it, but then you realize it is just an older sibling telling you like it is. They want you strong, they need you strong, they need you, they need you too. They need you to face your fear, because once you realize it is fear, you realize they need you too, they need you strong, because this ain't a classroom you were naked in front of, this is virtual family; and its bigger than your fear.

All of us, every single human on earth, is born with a "fight or flight" impulse. It is survival instinct. Some of us lock into one or the other all the time, most of us will be a mix. Some full grown men turn on a bathroom light, see a spider and leap, some little girls can go through same thing and immediately respond by killing the spider. Some, will go through this, do nothing other than look, and both the spider and the person move forward without incident.

The truth as I see it, we all came here in fear. Yet, some of us came here hoping to fly from fear. Some of us came here hoping to learn how to fight fear. Most of us did not call why we came here, fear. If you are reading this...if you are reading this and think you are not fighting or flying, you have either been here long enough to learn how to survive on your own, or you are in denial of your"self". But you are not, not if you are reading this - you had to dig deep into my posts to find this, so you are in want. In want of something about your fear.

Your spouse leaving you, for whatever the reason, is scaring the living $hit out of you right now. It's ok to feel that. I can say from experience. If you seek help from people here, and you LISTEN AND DO what the positive advice suggests two things will happen: 1. a person or persons with more experience and more time "in" will adopt you and your sitch, and if you listen to them, you will learn how to improve yourself and face your fear. Similarly, your contemporaries will make "misery loves company" a very real statement, and in time misery will become support and renewed outlook. 2. You will get better, feel better, and be better. You will get better, feel better, and be better if you follow sound advice, believe in yourself, and trust in your own ability to take care of you, to believe in you, and to be you. Shout that from a mountain, one that you built for you.

Fear remains. Did you know you have a choice on how to respond to it?

Still in the fight.

[SH_]

CT1118-

I simply want to say "BRAVO!"
Wonderful post...
and as always great articulation of thoughts for those that can most benefit...

I hope that it is not taboo or out of line to piggyback on your eloquent words post with some additional thoughts that I had shared with a fellow DB brother here. I found several good ted talks that present FEAR in a different manner that may help different folks overcome it...

FEAR-How will you overcome it and be the man only a fool will leave?

“Fear is not real. The only place that fear can exist is in our thoughts of the future. It is a product of our imagination, causing us to fear things that do not at present and may not ever exist. That is near insanity. Do not misunderstand me danger is very real but fear is a choice.” Will Smith

Friend,

I am going to share some resources and information that has helped me tremendously as I am traveling my own journey.
I am going to challenge you to take actions that you have thus far avoided doing.
The actions will be focused on you so you can step up, man up, and become the person only a fool will leave.
Will you commit?
Will you permit me to be an accountability partner for getting on?
If you agree here is your homework to get started.

_________________________________________________________________________________________
The first thing I want you to do is google the Black Door Story.
Read several of the links. There are minor details that change, but the message is the same.
Share with me how you see yourself playing a role in the story.
Share with me how you see fear and what is through the door.

The second part of your homework is to find and watch the TedX talks for the following. You can seek out more as there are many of them, but these ones hit home for me from several angles.

1. F*** the fear, it's not real anyway! By Deri Llewellyn-Davies
2. Be The Warrior Not The Worrier - Fighting Anxiety & Fear By Angela Ceberano
3. Reprogramming your brain to overcome fear By Olympia LePoint
4. 100 days without fear By Michelle Poler

After watching each of them, share back what you took from them and one action that you will implement for yourself.

My last bit of homework is to have you ponder on the tag line you are using in your signature.
Quote:

To worry or not has no affect on the outcome. But, moving forward, letting go, and making changes can.

Why did you choose this?
What are you doing to apply it to your sitch?
What do you understand the meaning of this to be?

My friend, you have to start somewhere. And sometimes that is just starting something.
Lets put the fear to the side and get moving.

"If you live in fear of the future because of what happened in your past, you’ll end up losing what you have in the present." Nissan Panwar

“Everything you want is on the other side of fear.” Jack Canfield

"Thinking will not overcome fear but action will." W. Clement Stone

[CT1118]

SH_ - you HJck this thread anytime you want. I wish more would. This is not and has never been about me. Yeah my P-biz is on here, but the Fight for Self is open to whomever, whenever, decide to advance it. You did, let's get some.

[lt0402]

So very true It, so very true. I mean, this is entirely the point. There are a number of us here from the Spring/Summer 2016 club. Some of us found this place soon after BD, some a few months after. So here it is months later, still visiting, still waining, still waxing. As active as I am, even if I don't comment, I still truly find peace in coming here to read up on people - I feel like I know so many here. Friendship is strange in the DB world. I mean, we dump some really heavy personal dark $hit here. People ask us stuff which I think would never come in most 1:1 face conversations. And yet, truly anonymous.

You're spot on, friendship is very, very strange in the DB world CT. I kind of view it as a brotherhood. It's amazing how even in complete anonymity we all can care so much for the well being of others around here. Just look at the immediate and caring focus newcomers get from both rookies and vets alike when they first post. A lot of great, quality folks around here.

I also find peace in reading up on how everyone is doing. It's funny bc at times I find myself fairly stressed in my thread, but hopping over and offering my thoughts in another completely alleviates that stress. It's strange really, but it does highlight how much easier it is to think rationally and calmly when you're not directly involved in a situation. A gentle reminder for me to get myself back to level and approach my situation rationally.

All that said, I don't know that any of us summer/spring 2016 folks would be where we are without each other. Personally, the support/friendship/advice I've gotten from everyone has kept me from being lost many a day. while it [censored] that our bonds had to be forged under such trying and painful circumstances, I can think of no better people to be battling through this with than the folks on this board.

Sappy enough for you?

[CT1118]

I also find peace in reading up on how everyone is doing. It's funny bc at times I find myself fairly stressed in my thread, but hopping over and offering my thoughts in another completely alleviates that stress. It's strange really, but it does highlight how much easier it is to think rationally and calmly when you're not directly involved in a situation. A gentle reminder for me to get myself back to level and approach my situation rationally.

All that said, I don't know that any of us summer/spring 2016 folks would be where we are without each other. Personally, the support/friendship/advice I've gotten from everyone has kept me from being lost many a day. while it [censored] that our bonds had to be forged under such trying and painful circumstances, I can think of no better people to be battling through this with than the folks on this board.

Truth. This is the truth above. Thanks It0402.

I won an award today. Was at the Arbor Day celebration as I stated I would be. Won an award, for my effort to improve trees and tree benefits in an urban environment. I had honestly forgotten that I may have had the award when I wrote last night and when I got there today. My son got to see it - me, on stage, award handed, Dad humbled, Dad doing what dad's do - take life, make life, give life. I planted a tree with my son today - the existential one I spoke of last night. I hope I planted a metaphysical one today as well.

I really hope my son does whatever it is he wants to do with his life. I really hope i am a good example for him to learn from, seriously - if he learns from my bad or if he learns from my good - I hope he learns early who he wants to be. My parents tried their absolute d&mnedest to talk me out of what I do professionally. I do seriously work with trees and trees specifically. I make an above middle class salary per year for the US - and I do it by being an expert on trees. Sounds silly, sounds narrow, certainly unique, but its true. I wanted this for my professional career. I hope s5 finds something just as great for himself.

[Coly23]

Wow CT1118, just caught up on your thread. Your words are inspirational and so are your actions. Your little boy must be very proud of his Dad!

I am also a spring/summer DB-ear and although my GAL activities are yet to get off the ground I found that posters like you, SH, Gump, Cherry, Phoebe Altair (everyone on here in fact!) and most recently the MLC folk have helped me to get through each day with such encouragement and positiveness even though you are all battling with your own pain and confusion.

Here I see the unconditional kindness of people who know where you have been and what you are feeling. We bare our souls in desperation looking for answers but what we rightly get is someone not giving us the answer we are looking for but who talk us down from that ledge of desperation to try and find the answer ourselves.

I have learned a lot over the past few months and it has been a lesson in humility and patience. I am not detached however if detachment is giving my H space to live his life and for me to find some peace in myself then I think I am getting there...

[Cherry]

I agree with coly, I'm absolutely sure your S will be so proud of his dad. You are setting the absolute best example of being a great man, one he will be so proud to say "that's my dad". A fine role model of a man.

Some of the men here really and truly give me hope and prevent me from becoming a bitter man basher!

This is a great thread, I think once we begin to loose the fear, then we can begin to get stronger. I know SH played a key role here for me to get some strength and control together and with his homework.

[ForGump]

CT-- how are you?

You won an award in my book a long time ago....