So last night, it hit me like a truck for some reason. And I cried, quite a lot. I felt a lot of sadness for the man that he was, the r that was. And I thought about how soon he is going to be gone and soon I will be divorced. I don't cry about this often, and I thought I was in a more acceptance place where I knew I had no control and that this was going to happen.
This morning, I do feel I have released a valve and some sadness. I've still got myself up and sorted and off to work. I'm planning on working from home for some of the day, so then I can take S out and enjoy him for a few hours.
But some sadness is lingering, and I'm not happy about this. I did feel last night like sending wh a message of how I feel, but my logical brain kivcked in and I thought would it actually change anything? The answer is no, he doesn't want to hear that I love him. I don't know if it's common when everything is on the edge of being finalised that the lbs has feelings of persuing that appear? I'm glad today that I didn't do that. Surely it would look like a backslide to my work of being detached and letting him make the decisions that he is.
The one thing I did hear wh say to his mom was that I have wished him well. That's not really what I've said to him at all. I have told him that this is not what I want, but I realise that I cannot stop him. He has took my validation as my blessing.
So all in all today, in a bit disappointed in the feeling of sadness lingering, I haven't let this stop me from getting up and getting on with my day. I could quite easily of stayed in bed and had a wallowing day, but I haven't. I'll keep on keeping on. Maybe this sadness will crop up every now and again. Idk.
Me 26 H 25 M 4 T 5 Baby born 4/14 BD: 1/15 EA: 2/15 PA: 4/15 reconciling: 4/15 ILYBINILWY- 11/15 ILY-1/16 ILYBNILWY 4/16 ILY 6/16 ILYBINILWY 6/16 Baby due 3/17 BD 8/16
The one thing I did hear wh say to his mom was that I have wished him well. That's not really what I've said to him at all. I have told him that this is not what I want, but I realise that I cannot stop him. He has took my validation as my blessing.
Cherry dear,
Do not mind read or interpret what he said... It is not his way of taking your validation as a blessing... It is simply the WS script of thinking,saying,and doing what they need to do to pursue their path...nothing more, nothing less...
Steer your thought and interpretations away as it benefits you not.
I am sorry to hear of the sadness that you are experiencing... It hurts, but seems a necassary part of the process LBS goes through...it catches me still, but the pain hurts less and the relief after is more refreshing.
Be well today you strong, sassy, gorgeous young lady and mother. You continue to be in my prayers.
Me 46 Former W 46 D19 D7 BD Feb 2016 WAW moves out 4/16/16 D final 6/1/2017
It's time for me to start changin' the way I look at the world......and at myself. ~James Howlett aka Wolverine
Maybe the next time you talk about the D, you could just say that you don't want the D and you are willing to fight for the M bevause it is worth fighting for.
Leave out his part in it.
I am so sorry for your pain.
You can call me Dory/ Grl.
As a wise fish once sang,"Just keep swimming!"
It's no use to go back to yesterday because I was a different person then.
Guys thank you for the support. It has been a difficult day. The last couple days I've began to properly feel little flips and kicks of baby, I take time in my day to just sit and gently tap my tummy, and I feel baby. It's like meditating, it's relaxing and I'm bonding. But then the sadness comes that he isn't bothered to know about these things, let alone share this moment. He was so excitable when I was pregnant with S. He would read up on developments in the pregnancy and with baby, and he would talk to my bump, so then S could recognise his voice. Then when he was born, he was the most protective and loving father. I feel for this baby not having or knowing that. And I feel the pain that S doesn't understand why his loving dad who he spent so much time with, he doesn't see.
Grl, that's a good idea. But I think I've said this so many times he just doesn't hear it anymore, he doesn't care. But I'll continue to say I don't want this.
I've lots to do today so I've got to keep it together. But I do feel I'm truly holding off the tears, so going to take my laptop home and go do my work from there. Being in a work environment and people asking if I'm ok because I'm quieter than normal I can't quite deal with, I think at some point I'll just break. I don't want anyone seeing my tears. I don't want him to see my tears, he doesn't get to see that side anymore.
Me 26 H 25 M 4 T 5 Baby born 4/14 BD: 1/15 EA: 2/15 PA: 4/15 reconciling: 4/15 ILYBINILWY- 11/15 ILY-1/16 ILYBNILWY 4/16 ILY 6/16 ILYBINILWY 6/16 Baby due 3/17 BD 8/16
I'm going to read DR again, refocus myself and gain some strength back. I know I'm strong and I'll get through this. But sometimes even the strongest warriors break down at times.
Me 26 H 25 M 4 T 5 Baby born 4/14 BD: 1/15 EA: 2/15 PA: 4/15 reconciling: 4/15 ILYBINILWY- 11/15 ILY-1/16 ILYBNILWY 4/16 ILY 6/16 ILYBINILWY 6/16 Baby due 3/17 BD 8/16
I'm going to read DR again, refocus myself and gain some strength back. I know I'm strong and I'll get through this. But sometimes even the strongest warriors break down at times.
There is much wisdom and truth in your words here my dear Cherry... Continueing to seek knowledge provides you with more tools to create success for your journey... Refocus is good to evaluate what works, what does not, and where our goals stand in relation to our current place... Rest is a needed step to gain strength, to do so effectively and with balance helps us push on... You are strong...much more so with each passing day...strength comes through resistance and resolve to push through it...this you are doing well.
Your words resonate with me as I have a quote that I have kept close to me of late as I stumble...
"There must be those among whom we can sit down and weep and still be counted as warriors." ~Adreienne Rich
Cherry, continue to know that we are those that you can sit down and weep, and we will still count you as a warrior... I count you as a Warrior Queen who is Nobel and worthy of only a Warrior King of the same caliber...mark my words, you will be with a King worthy of your love before your story comes to a conclusion.
Me 46 Former W 46 D19 D7 BD Feb 2016 WAW moves out 4/16/16 D final 6/1/2017
It's time for me to start changin' the way I look at the world......and at myself. ~James Howlett aka Wolverine
Lovely SH, you had me weeping reading that! Maybe I am on a hormonal day! I think I'm really beating myself up for last night and today. The pain for some reason today feels similar to that from the bd day.
I've got paperworking I've been digging out for financial help once he leaves. So to go through this, I've had to search through papers, momentous, cards, keepsakes all in the same box (obviously I hadn't considered a divorce when I mixed these things together). So I've weeped but carried on through the tears.
It's strange but this feels like I'm mourning a man who is long gone. I seem to have separated the before him and the current him in my mind.
Reading db to spur me on and motivate me and help me help myself. I feel like there is no saving this m. But there is saving me in this.
I really do thank you lovely people, especially on days like today, the support prop is good when I'm feeling a little weak. I had very reduced sleep last night, I spent all night crying and must have got about 4 hours sleep. Everything always seems worse when exhausted
Me 26 H 25 M 4 T 5 Baby born 4/14 BD: 1/15 EA: 2/15 PA: 4/15 reconciling: 4/15 ILYBINILWY- 11/15 ILY-1/16 ILYBNILWY 4/16 ILY 6/16 ILYBINILWY 6/16 Baby due 3/17 BD 8/16
(((Cherry))), I'm so sorry you are having a tough couple of days. Off course you are gong to get emotional so don't beat yourself up about it. You are potentially going through a D whilst being pregnant and caring for a toddler. At this time you naturally need your H for support and to share in the development of your little chick. I am sad for him that he has chosen to miss these important days.
You really couldn't have it any tougher and seeing as you have kept stoic for such a long time is credt to your strong character.
I think you know that H understands you don't want this D, you have told him enough times and your ML is also aware. It's up to him now to do the right thing whether it's the right thing for him as he sees it or for you as a couple/family.
Hug your little boy a bit tighter and give your growing belly lots of strokes, no need to tell you that they deserve more of your attention than H at the moment. Look after yourself Cherry. X
Ps - love SH's quote. Made me tear up a bit too....
Me - 47 H - 45 D-16 M - 6 years Separated - May 16
Don't leave me behind can't you see me I'm shining... (Years & Years - 'Shine')
Your sitch tugs at my heart strings, and even when I don't post, I am still checking in on you. I am in your corner and have faith that life will get better for you. I feel that you are continually wronged by your WH and it's not fair to you or the babes that he is still coming/going as he pleases. He needs to get out if he is still cheating, which it appears he has been (a PA) all along. I have never doubted that.
So then I had another thought, and excuse me if my words are not carfully enough chosen. Is your WH keeping you down and as a perpetual victim and what can you do to change that? Have you read about power, victimization, victimhood, and the drama triangle? I am by no means an expert but my fear is that you have been stripped of power by this man and have now found some power in being a victim. This is not a criticism but could be a natural human response to all of the trauma you have faced. In fact looking back at my sitch I can see how when I rallied support from IC, family, and friends, it was often from this position that he was in the wrong and I was the wronged one; it was a relief and empowering to not be the one wrong doing, but I didnt actually empower myself to move forward. I was showered with support, but I paralyzed myself by not taking control of my life.
I hope that we as a DB community are not holding you back by reinforcing this. When you outline your hardships, we all want to protect you, bash your WH, and then shower you in complements for not giving up and being "the better person." I hope that by doing this, you are not remaining paralyzed and waiting for him to turn around and notice.
So how can we help you get your power back, find healthy strength, and prepare for a life without him? I think it starts with you taking a strong position and kicking him to the curb, as his living there is clearly toxic for you. Then you can find some peace and prepare your nest for the next baby without him. What is holding you back from telling him to get out now? I think you will feel so much better when he's gone!
Blu
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
I agree with Blu. Take the power back and show him that what he is doing is not acceptable. He had dragged his feet for far too long to your detriment.
You are a strong woman Cherry but he is taking advantage of your situation so you are getting more and more emotional.
Bubble wrap, boxes, sticky tape....
Me - 47 H - 45 D-16 M - 6 years Separated - May 16
Don't leave me behind can't you see me I'm shining... (Years & Years - 'Shine')
